to be gutted after DP confessed to eating a steak (both vegetarian -not anymore obviously!)

(276 Posts)
Mercapto Fri 05-Oct-12 18:48:58

I've been vegetarian for 6 - 7 years. I made the decision to go vegetarian when I realised that I wasn't eating much meat due to not enjoying it due to taste and ethical reasons.

I met DP 4 years ago and he decided to go veggie with me because he wasn't one for eating much meat either.

I came home last night from work and he told me he had a confession to make. He had given in to his cravings and bought steaks, ate one last night and the other is in the freezer.

I wasn't expecting this really although he has told me he had been having dreams about eating meat.

I know I don't really have a leg to stand on and can't tell him that he can't eat meat but I have been feeling awful since I found out. I felt uspet, disgusted at the thought of animal flesh being cooked in my kitchen, not to mention a steak actually mingling with items of food in my freezer. I wanted rid of the evidence. I could see the empty packet in the bin, and the dishes he'd used to cook/ eat it. Reading this paragraph back to myself, I feel like there is something wrong with me for feeling this way. I don't have a problem with other people eating meat, I just don't want it in my house sad

I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in RL because I feel that the people around me (meat eaters) probably don't respect my non eat-meating preferences and think it's a bit silly.

AIBU for feeling this way? I havn't spoken at all to DP since. Although I did ask if he would be buying more meat, he said ocasionally. I then said could he cook it when I wasn't around (I thought this a reasonable request seeing as I work shifts and we don't always have tea together!)

lunar1 Fri 05-Oct-12 18:51:36

I would get some separate cook wear for meat. I don't think you can ask him not to have it though, it's his house too.

lunar1 Fri 05-Oct-12 18:52:11

Sorry should add I am also vegi

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 18:52:28

Wow. I get that as a vegetarian you don't like it. But you are really over reacting.
if the meat is not wrapped up, in the freezer fair enough. But I suspect its in some sort of packaging. Its not contaminating anything.
I do get your feelings to some degree, but think you are over reacting.

PedanticPanda Fri 05-Oct-12 18:52:31

I don't have a problem with other people eating meat, I just don't want it in my house

It's not just your house though, it's your dp's too. You're overreacting, and I used to be a veggie too.

WithoutCaution Fri 05-Oct-12 18:52:53

It is possible to buy good quality, ethically reared and humanely slaughtered meat so I'd see no problem with my DH buying, cooking, eating or storing that type of meat.

I'm a vegetarian, DH and DS are avid meat eaters. I raise chickens and sheep (which DH and DS are quite happy to eat) and do the majority of the cooking, including the meat

Nanny0gg Fri 05-Oct-12 18:53:02

I am a total carnivore, but as you are vegetarian for ethical reasons I can see why you're upset.
I assume your DP is only vegetarian because he's not bothered by meat rather than the ethical reasons?
If so, you need to have a conversation. Is it a deal-breaker for you?

Euphemia Fri 05-Oct-12 18:53:33

It's a one-off and you're over-reacting.

Maybe you could both agree that he keeps his meat-eating to outside the house, e.g., restaurants, McD's, etc.

AlistairSim Fri 05-Oct-12 18:54:16

Was it a kitten steak?

MainlyMaynie Fri 05-Oct-12 18:55:04

I think you're being OTT, as you probably realise. I've been vegetarian for 25 years and would not react this way. It's not like he was vegetarian when you got together either, plus half your reason is you don't like the taste! If you're really bothered by it, you can have clearly defined areas for meat storage, which is good food hygiene anyway.

You're being ridiculous and melodramatic.

His house too. His choice.

Asmywhimsytakesme Fri 05-Oct-12 18:56:19

YAbu - you need to respect his right to choose, though I can see why you were a bit shocked.

How about you ask only organically reared meet be brought into the house?

LynetteScavo Fri 05-Oct-12 18:56:54

YANBU to be upset. YABU not to speak to him.

Are you going to have sex with him while it's still in his system? I'n not vegetarian, but don't like DH to smell of red meat.

Personally I would tell him to get his meat elsewhere, and not to cook it in the house. Having lived with vegetarians I would visit McD's rather than bring meat into the house. Just like I wouldn't smoke in a non-smoking house.

AThingInYourLife Fri 05-Oct-12 18:57:08

It's usually the mighty pig that gets them.

The cows take this one.

Personally I love a man who smells of meat.

I make DP rub himself all over with a pork chop before we have sex.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 18:58:36

Personally I would tell him to get his meat elsewhere, and not to cook it in the house. Having lived with vegetarians I would visit McD's rather than bring meat into the house. Just like I wouldn't smoke in a non-smoking house.

Except cooking meat does not create fumes that can kill the others in the house. And its his house too.

AThingInYourLife Fri 05-Oct-12 18:58:53

"Are you going to have sex with him while it's still in his system?"


My belly laugh is disturbing my breastfeeding baby.

AThingInYourLife Fri 05-Oct-12 19:00:32

Bunny angry

Now I am howling with laughter. No fair.

Won't anybody think of the sleeping baby? grin

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Fri 05-Oct-12 19:01:29

I can understand how you feel. I have a massive aversion to fish, and I can just about cope with fish that doesn't look like fish being cooked in my house (ie fish fingers or scampi or anything covered in breadcrumb) but I would feel sick at the thought of an actual fish with scales being in my freezer.

I think you have to just be honest with your DP. Tell him you would prefer him to use separate utensils to cook with and that you don't really want dead animal in your freezer. Ideally get him to have his meat fill when he is out.

Madlizzy Fri 05-Oct-12 19:01:47

Overreaction, and this is from a diehard veggie of 21 years. I cook meat for DH and the kids as it's their choice to eat meat.

WofflingOn Fri 05-Oct-12 19:04:28

I've been vegetarian for 38 years, no one else in the house is. They clean the grill immediately after, if they've been grilling meat or fish, it is stored in sealed containers in the fridge and freezer and cooked in lidded pans and pots.
I think you are massively over-reacting and you need to work out why it is such a huge deal that someone else is eating meat. Do you do all the cooking in your home, is the kitchen your territory and you feel it's contaminated now?
If it is a major problem, have separate areas and dishes and pans for carnivore/veggie.

CremeEggThief Fri 05-Oct-12 19:04:37

sad to hear this. YANBU.

bubalou Fri 05-Oct-12 19:04:54

Poor bloke - so he wants a steak?

Don't be so hard on him! If u don't like the thought of your food touching his keep a separate shelf in the fridge & freezer & use separate cooking pans.

I don't think your wrong for being a vegi but don't make his life hard because he has taken the decision to eat some meat. You will end up resenting each other.

GoldShip Fri 05-Oct-12 19:05:30

Im veggie and understand how you feel but you're being unreasonable. It was nice of him to try but it's obviously not for him. You need to just get over it I'm afraid and make sure he sources meat as ethical as he can get it.

And I'm assuming its his house too, and his freezer so you can't stop him

PickledFanjoCat Fri 05-Oct-12 19:07:00

grin bunny.

TidyGOLDDancer Fri 05-Oct-12 19:10:24

No, I don't think you are overreacting or being unreasonable.

I live with an occasional meateater, and when DP cooks meat, he does it with different cookware and when I'm not around. We are both happy with this arrangement.

I feel sick at the smell of meat and DP understands this. I also don't like the idea of cooking with pots and pans that have been used for meat. We have doubles of some things for this reason.

This is an arrangement that works for us, and YANBU to implement something similar.

monkeysbignuts Fri 05-Oct-12 19:10:45

omg really??!! I am veggie and have been for 25 years, I would never expect my dh to also be veggie or my kids and I have no problem with them having meat.
I think your totally over reacting. We have quorn and real meat in our fridge and freezer.

VivaLeBeaver Fri 05-Oct-12 19:11:10

DH is vegi and me andd dd aren't.

He's always been ok with us eating meat and isn't bothered about seperate cookware, etc. At the end of the day if it goes in the dishwasher/is washed up then there's no meat germs, etc on the stuff still.

The only thing he wouldn't like and I totally understand this if I'm cooking meat in the oven at the same time as stuff for him I have to put foil over the meat so he doesn't get meat splatters on the roast potatoes, etc.

DH will actually cook meat for dd if I'm out. He hates the smell of sausages though and has to open the windows.

ginmakesitallok Fri 05-Oct-12 19:14:29

Viva - same here. DP has been vegi since he was 16, DC and I aren't. He's happy to cook meat for me and the kids - and makes a fabulous steak pie despite never having tasted it!

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 19:17:25

The unexpected can really throw you off course and I think with a warning you might have found it easier to deal with??

I think it's unfortunate that some posters are making fun of your views. Especially as you said you were loathe to speak to anyone in RL.

I do think it WBU to expect him to carry on as a vegetarian if he wants meat. Having said that you both need to find a middle ground that you are both happy with. He was aware of your views when you moved into together and he is the one changing the goalposts.

Nanny0gg Fri 05-Oct-12 19:18:02

Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad if he'd said that was what he was going to do.
Must have been a real shock for the OP, if she's that revolted by meat.

monkeysbignuts Fri 05-Oct-12 19:18:39

I do all the meat cooking in our house and been veggie since I was 13!
The only thing I can't stand the smell of is lamb confused it makes me physically sick the smell, lucky for me no one likes it, phew!
I am happy to cook sausages, chicken, bacon, chops (not lamb) etc. If my kids want to be veggie when they are older that's fine. I do also make a mean quorn bolognaise which everyone enjoys smile

TunaPastaBake Fri 05-Oct-12 19:23:55

Well at least at was just a piece of steak could have been worse could have been beaver grin

''Are you going to have sex with him while it's still in his system?'' - funny - cheered me up !

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 19:24:17

You are over reacting. You can make choices for yourself and not anyone else. Your DCs may well choose to eat meat when they are older-we don't all follow our mothers.

Bubblegum78 Fri 05-Oct-12 19:24:29

I know it sounds silly but is he craving fish and tomatoes aswell?
Just wondering as craving these things and especially red meat can be an indication of iron deficiency?

bialystockandbloom Fri 05-Oct-12 19:25:20

Are you going to have sex with him while it's still in his system? I'n not vegetarian, but don't like DH to smell of red meat

Really?? You can actually tell if he's indulged in his dirty little secret eaten meat by the way he smells?


GirlWithALlamaTattoo Fri 05-Oct-12 19:27:02

I think DoMeDon has it. If he was veggie when you moved in together, he's moving the goalposts and you're entitled to a discussion about how that can be made to work. I'd also be annoyed that he'd done it secretly without talking to you.

I'm veggie, DH eats fish. Before he moved in, this was a meat and fish-free house, but I accepted that he came with fish. I don't go near it and wouldn't cook it for him, but I don't mind it being wrapped up in the freezer. If he cooks fish, he does all the preparation and cleaning up after it, and opens the window.

MadgeHarvey Fri 05-Oct-12 19:29:26

AlistairSim Fri 05-Oct-12

Was it a kitten steak?

grin grin and <<snort>>

birdofthenorth Fri 05-Oct-12 19:31:17

I have been veggie for 20 years. I lived with consecutive veggie flat mates until I met DH who its meat (good quality, well-sourced, cooked seperately, and only once or twice a week). Tbh I think you're over-reacting bit. If he hadn't told you and you'd just found it in the fridge/freezer that would be different. Or he could have snuck off to McDonalds and never mentioned it. But if he's craving it so much he's dreaming about it I'm not sure there's much you can do apart from agree ground rules eg seperate freezer shelf, seperate pan, cooked when you're not there or extractor fan on, etc. I think in ideal world I'd prefer a 100% vegetarian household but my marriage is more important to me than the contents of my freezer. And I'd be pretty pissed off if someone tried to influence what I do or do not eat I suspect (my dad spent 10'of the past twenty years trying to change my mind about vegetarianism, it was extremely annoying!).

TunaPastaBake Fri 05-Oct-12 19:31:32

Leave the bastard !

quesadilla Fri 05-Oct-12 19:33:55

YABU. Sorry. Its fair enough to be disappointed that he's lapsed on something you considered a joint project. But to say you're "gutted" and "disgusted" is way over the top.

Admittedly I'm not a veggie and maybe can't understand the effect meat provokes in someone who's made a commitment to it. But you're carrying on about it as if he'd just confessed to six affairs or something. He's his own person and entitled to cook and eat stuff he wants in his own home as long as its not putting anyone else's health at risk (which its not.)

Also you should be grateful he confessed to you and that it clearly preyed on his mind, which shows he did take it seriously and he obviously thinks a lot of you. To be honest a lot of blokes would have just done it and not told you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 05-Oct-12 19:34:35

YABU, and a bit of a loon.

Lynette - I am genuinely bemused at 'I don't like DH to smell of red meat'. What smell, how do you notice??

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 19:35:17

I'd also be annoyed that he'd done it secretly without talking to you.

Did he do it secretly? From what I have read. He made a decision to but some steak, cooked it that day, ate it and told her when she came home.

Do you run every decision by your oh during the day, especially ones that have no direct impact on them. Its not like he bought her steak for tea and tried to get her to eat it. He made a decision for himself, which I thought adults were allowed to do.

I am sure he had no idea OP would react so outrageously.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 19:35:29

but I accepted that he came with fish.

I know what you mean but that painted such a funny picture for me!

pigletmania Fri 05-Oct-12 19:35:32

Yabvvvu it's his house too, it's up to him if he wants to eat meat. Mabey he could have separate cook wear, utensils and plates for his meat

TunaPastaBake Fri 05-Oct-12 19:36:10

Does he have a bald spot on his head where your thumb goes ?

pigletmania Fri 05-Oct-12 19:36:56

He could store it in a separate draw of the freezer, if that's still not enough you have to either del with your issues or leave him

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 19:37:33

Anyone is likely to change their eating habits-mine have over the years-you can't meet someone and expect them to remain the same.
Just let him cook his own-use separate cookware if necessary.

pigletmania Fri 05-Oct-12 19:38:31

You do sound controlling, he does need your permission to eat food

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 19:41:10

I find it bizarre that some posters are being so derogatory. OP was veggie when they met, her DP knew and was happy not to eat meat for several years. If it was smoking or drugs or debt or something people 'frown on', most would be backing her up. He did something she feels deeply uncomfortable with, a chat and compromise are the minimum OP can expect surely.

TunaPastaBake Fri 05-Oct-12 19:42:54

''a chat and compromise are the minimum OP can expect surely'' - I dont think the OP wants to compromise !

Noqontrol Fri 05-Oct-12 19:44:14

I can understand why you are a bit upset op. My dh went veggie for a couple of years when we first met. He did give me several months warning that he was planning to eat meat again. I think I would be shocked if I had come home and there was something dead nestling in the freezer where once there lay vegetarian delights. Esp if he hadn't mentioned anything about it before.. Your dh should have warned you really. Do you think he was worried about your reaction, or that you would talk him out of it? But it is his choice ultimately if he wants to eat meat.

pigletmania Fri 05-Oct-12 19:44:46

Domedon, isent he allowed to change his tastes then hmm. Comparing meat eating to smoking is a crap comparison

Yes Don.

Because eating a steak is exactly the same as snorting coke or blowing the rent money down the casino.


exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 19:45:17

He ate meat-most people do! She can choose to be vegetarian but it is a personal choice-she can't choose for anyone else (except young children). I don't expect people to dictate my eating habits and I don't have to ask DH's permission.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 19:45:32

If it was smoking or drugs or debt or something people 'frown on', most would be backing her up.

Because that would have an impact directly on her. Be it financial ( using money for drugs ) ruining of credit rating, or partaking in high risk activities that could kill him. All have an effect on her.

He ate when she was out of the house, its in the freezer and not contaminating her food. Is it putting her finacial security at risk, or her home or her health?

NumericalMum Fri 05-Oct-12 19:45:36

Do you eat cheese? Do you wear leather? If you do YABU. If you are a strict vegetarian for ethical and moral reasons then perhaps you are bordering on NBU.
I hate the smell of cheese and fish but I can hardly stop my husband from eating them if he wants to.

Abitwobblynow Fri 05-Oct-12 19:46:31


you can't control another person - they have a right to make their own choices and decisions. To be this upset is a bit obsessive, and I think we humans when we get 'into' something whatever that is, religion, way of life, hobby, politics - can tend to get extreme. I hope you hear that I am not saying you are nuts or mean, just it's something that we have to be aware of and guard against.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 19:49:09

he should give a few months notice?

That he wants a steak, while she is not in the house. Good god.

Do me don - the flip side of your argument is that the response would also be very different if a man was insisting a woman behaved a certain way with no compromise ...

PickledFanjoCat Fri 05-Oct-12 19:52:23

As long as he chooses meat ethically and uses separate cooking things careful with storage etc, despite not liking it I think he should be able to choose what he eats?

I know a few ex-vegans & vegetarians. People's beliefs can change over time.

Iggly Fri 05-Oct-12 19:53:41

What really bothers you?

The meat or the fact your DH was obviously not as diehard a veggie as you and went ahead and got steak?

ivanapoo Fri 05-Oct-12 19:53:58

Not sure if YABU or not but I would definitely want him to be super stringent about hygiene, cleaning up after cooking it, getting rid of smells etc.

I would also probably ask him to eat it when you're not there/when out at restaurants etc. Definitely wouldn't cook myself for him.

I'd also question who pays for it - meat is expensive!

Also just because he ate a steak doesn't mean he can't return to a largely if not wholly veggie diet. This whole "oh I was veggie for 10 years but then I had a bacon sandwich so i now eat meat twice a day" thing is ridiculous.

BTW I'm a slack "vegetarian", in that over the past 2 years I've eaten naice meat twice and fish a handful of times. It's still a damn sight more ethical than eating it (or crappy cheese you could argue) every day.

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 19:55:32

I didn't say it was the same, as you can see from my post. I said IF it was something other people frown on. The OP feels that way about meat and her DP was aware of that. As someone who cares about her, her views and feelings, he would have been well aware that she would be upset. A quick chat and agreement would have been the kind and considerate path. OP has not said he cannot have anything, she is not showing any signs of being controlling, she even accepts she is being funny about it.

Eating red meat is expensive compared to veg and cn be bad for you health in excess BUT that is his choice, same as it would be if he started snorting coke hmm

YUNoSaySomethingNice Fri 05-Oct-12 19:58:01

I know veggies who don't want meat in their houses. I think that is perfectly reasonable.
I think your DH should have let you know beforehand. Was he too nervous to tell you? Do you think he has been eating meat on the sly before?

TooMuchRain Fri 05-Oct-12 19:59:18

I think it would be less U if you had both given up just for ethical reasons but you said it was a taste thing too so your reaction seems a bit extreme

KittenCamile Fri 05-Oct-12 20:03:00

I would feel exactly the same as you about a dead animal in my kitchen. I'm a vegan, have been for years, my EXH was too so was never a problem but my DP is a meat eater so is his DD.

I would never cook or touch a piece of meat, the thought makes me feel sick. We don't have any meat that has to be cooked in our house, that is the comprimise. Pre packed ham or whatever can be eaten in the house but not kept in the fridge (DP and DSD aren't big meat eaters anyway, thank god! I wouldn't be with him if he was)

You need separate cooking utensils, cleaning cloths, chopping board, plates, cuttlery and if it was me I would get one of those little grills as I couldn't have meat cooked in the same oven I cooked in.

I understand why you feel like you do, it would be a huge thing for me as my veganisum is a big part of who I am. You do need to talk to him though. I would look at him different after that

NotALondoner Fri 05-Oct-12 20:03:58

Hmmm. Really, totally honestly, I would not continue a relationship with him. It is that important to me.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 20:05:32

The OP feels that way about meat and her DP was aware of that. As someone who cares about her, her views and feelings, he would have been well aware that she would be upset.

No she gave up primarily because she doesn't like the taste and ethical reasons as a secondary. Why would he know she would freak out. If she was a strict vegan and didn't touch any animal products, fair enough. But I bet the the OP drinks milk, eats cheese and has worn leather. So this reaction is bizarre.

There are so many other things in your postctaht are laughable. Meat is more expensive than beg - yes. But vegetarians eat more than just beg and vegetarian food can be very expensive.

You say you weren't comparing them, but you were. You compared peoples reactions to drugs and debt to having a steak.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 20:06:48

Snorting coke is bad for your health in any quantity.

I would feel like this too Op. My dh and I have been together for 15 years and were both veggie when we met. If either of us were thinking about eating meat again we would discuss it with the other partner.

Of course he can eat meat if he wants to, but knowing how you feel about it he should have had a little respect and mentioned it first so you could get your head around it, and discuss important things like keeping separate plates/cutlery/cooking things for meat.

If he started eating meat with no warning, knowing how strongly I feel, I would feel disrespected and pretty pissed off.

And whoever called the OP a loon? Nice hmm

pigletmania Fri 05-Oct-12 20:08:43

Run run for the hills or a raving carnivore will gobble you up, or you might get some horribal lurgy from them

"vegetarian food can be very expensive"

Yeah, if you live on ready meals! Proper home cooked veggie food is far cheaper than meat any day. I wouldn't use the money reason to ever stop my dh from eating meat though.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 20:09:30

notalondoner why are you a vegetarian? Is it ethical reasons.

As said if the OP didn't use any animal products based on an ethical argument and her dp knew how important this was. I would have said she is not being unreasonable.
or had her dp hidden it, or cooked it on front of her and forced her to watch or tried to get her to eat it.
But he didn't.

monkeysbignuts Fri 05-Oct-12 20:11:10

I would live with someone who ate meat but if my dh started snorting coke (his choice or not) I would kick him out!!

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 20:11:39

headfirst that would be why I said can be.
The op hasn't specified her diet is full of home cooked food. She could eat alot of the more expensive ready meals. Or homecook using more expensive, less readily available fresh food products. Some veg can be Damn expensive.

I think really, most problems in relationships come down to a lack of communication. A little bit of discussion and the OP wouldn't feel so upset and wouldn't have overreacted like she did.

marriedinwhite Fri 05-Oct-12 20:14:16

He had a steak. He hasn't been with a prostitute; he hasn't beaten you; he hasn't emotionally abused you; he didn't even expect you to cook it for him. You are over-reacting and need to get real in my very honest opinion. Be grateful he's resisted since he met you. He must love you very much.

grin Bunny boiler

MrsWolowitz Fri 05-Oct-12 20:17:10

You are BVU and over-reacting massively.

Give him a break, he hasn't done anything wrong and is entitled to eat what he likes when he likes (even if you would rather that he only ate it when you aren't around).

KittenCamile Fri 05-Oct-12 20:20:24

Going from being a veggie to being a meat eater is a big step and I agree with the people who said he should have discused it with the op first. Not in a 'can I eat meat?' Way but told her how he was feeling and that he wanted to start eating meat again.

Then he could have got new cooking items ect rather than her coming home to find a dead cow in their freezer. She now has to clean the oven, disinfect the freezer and clean the pans, plates and cutlery with boiling water. For that I would make him scrub everything!

It is her house too so a dissition like cooking a carcass in their kitchen should be discused.

Excuse my bad spelling I'm dyslexic not shutting down from lack of meat! smile

ZiggyPlayedGuitar Fri 05-Oct-12 20:20:49

Yabu but I can understand it to an extent. I can't stand chow mein, the sight and smell of it makes me want to vomit on the spot. I have asked DP if he would be kind enough to never eat it when I'm around as I really do feel very ill around it, luckily he has agreed to this as he's not overly fussed about it anyway.
I know it's v unreasonable of me but at least it's only 1 meal and he's not keen on it anyway.

I think you're just going to have to learn to suck it up and get on with it. Although if he was really nice he could try and eat meat when out and about if possible.

MrsWolowitz Fri 05-Oct-12 20:23:32

"She now has to clean the oven, disinfect the freezer and clean the pans, plates and cutlery with boiling water. For that I would make him scrub everything!"


BlueSkySinking Fri 05-Oct-12 20:25:45

Give him a freezer drawer, a pan and a meat plate.

flatpackhamster Fri 05-Oct-12 20:28:54


I find it bizarre that some posters are being so derogatory. OP was veggie when they met, her DP knew and was happy not to eat meat for several years.

Was he 'happy' or did he do it because he loved her? He's having dreams about eating meat. How happy can he be? Her food problems and her lack of respect for normal eating habits are making him unhappy.

If it was smoking or drugs or debt or something people 'frown on', most would be backing her up.

Yes, and I think there's a lesson to be learned here, particularly by OP. Eating meat and taking crack are not the same thing.

He did something she feels deeply uncomfortable with, a chat and compromise are the minimum OP can expect surely.

I get the impression that you don't mean 'compromise' in the normal definition of the word, but a grovelling apology by the poor man and a scourging and 50 lashes for the EVIL CRIME OF CONSUMING FLESH.

He should apologize. Not for eating meat, but for not discussing it first and causing unnecessary upset. He must have known it would upset her to some extent, he does actually know her.

bialystockandbloom Fri 05-Oct-12 20:35:37

Opportune moment to present these delicacies? <disclaimer: not for anyone easily offended by hats made of meat>

She looks like some disgruntled fan has lobbed a steak at her grin

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 05-Oct-12 20:39:55

Kitten are you for real? Disinfect the oven???

Mmmm steak grin

KittenCamile Fri 05-Oct-12 20:44:04

'Her food problems and her lack of respect for normal eating habits are making him unhappy.'

Really flatpackhamster?! Did we just go back in time to when being a veggie was concidered weird? Her eating habbits are normal just a different normal to yours.

I'm a vegan and think eating the dead flesh of an animal isn't normal and shows a lack of respect as well. Maybe there is more than one way of eating 'normally'

lydiamama Fri 05-Oct-12 20:48:08

You are taking it too strongly. You can wash the kitchenware, and that will do.

MrsWolowitz Fri 05-Oct-12 20:49:35

kitten My BF is vegetarian, I am a major meat-lover. Its a non-issue. She comes for dinner here, I cook veggie or (I had a mexican dinner party last week) all the other guests had beef chilli. I made her a quorn one.

I go to her house, she cooks me something with meat (even though I'm happy to eat vegetarian, she does it out of kindness).

Why is it ok to try and control other peoples food?

MrsWolowitz Fri 05-Oct-12 20:50:16

Oh and flatpackedhamster I totally agree with you.

secretlyahippy Fri 05-Oct-12 20:52:29

I've been a vegan for 3 years but was vegetarian for 30+ years before that (since I was 5).

I do feel sorry for OP's husband. While I will never eat meat in my lifetime if the poor man is so desperate for it that he dreams about it. Just let him get on with it. I can imagine that op feels upset at the lack of communication.

My dh and 3 dc are all meat eaters, although they tend to turn to veggie meals more and more probably as I'm so crap at cooking meat

I'm happy to handle and cook meat for them. Although dh likes to joke that after a meat dinner he likes to use my toothbrush to get the bits of meat stuck in his teeth out hmm

I will also admit that I'm not too keen to snog him after he's just eaten mince (mince makes me gag). I'm happy enough to have sex with him but no kissing on the lips grin

KittenCamile Fri 05-Oct-12 20:59:57

MrsWolowitz meat doesn't get cooked in our house because we only have one oven, I wouldn't cook meat in my oven because of the aniaml fat and cleaning it after (unless you have a self cleaning oven) is a pain.

I don't control what anyone eats, it was a conversation myself and DP had when we moved in together. I would be happy to never have meat in the house but we agreed to no cooking of meat. Its what WE decided.

If a meat eater comes to stay they get vegan food, its that simple. To be honest most of my friends are vegan anyway so it has never come up! My friends repect that I feel very strongly about it and of then have felt stronger about eating meat so its never been a problem

MrsWolowitz Fri 05-Oct-12 21:04:49

How does meat juice get all over the inside of your oven?


Inneedofbrandy Fri 05-Oct-12 21:11:47

All this debate and the OPs gone...

TunaPastaBake Fri 05-Oct-12 21:12:18

Cleaning out the oven no doubt ....

Lueji Fri 05-Oct-12 21:16:37

Kitten, there are ways to cook meat that don't involve the oven. You do know that, right?

What struck me in the OP was my kitchen, my freezer, my house.
Surely they are all his too?


Inneedofbrandy Fri 05-Oct-12 21:16:39

Defrosting the freezer to dettol it maybe...

Narked Fri 05-Oct-12 21:21:13

I'd imagine he's been eating meat for ages - just out of the house. It would be really odd if the first time he fell to temptation after years of abstinence he bought two steaks, cooked one and froze the other for later!

Viviennemary Fri 05-Oct-12 21:21:30

I can see why you are upset but it's up to him whether he stays a vegetarian or not. If vegetarianism is very important to you can you live with somebody who eats meat.

eurochick Fri 05-Oct-12 21:22:19

I was veggie for years and during that time I could have understood the OP's feelings about meat being somehow dirty and repulsive.

But then I developed a dairy intolerance and didn't want to be vegan. So one night, when veh veh drunk, I ordered a steak. It was awesome. I had a three day stomach ache afterwards though as my body had no idea how to digest it. I'm not a few years on from that and I have to say I feel healthier as a meat eater than I ever did as a veggie. We are omnivores. We are designed to eat meat. I let a teenage fad go on for way to long (until I was about 30).

I do still care a lot about animal welfare though (one of the reasons why I became veggie in the first place) and try to eat good quality, well-raised meat and no battery-farmed crap. I believe we are supposed to eat meat but I do not believe that e.g. we are supposed to keep chickens in dark shed in cramped conditions so they cannot move.

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 21:24:37

Sookie and Flatpack - you are taking what I have posted and twisted it. My point is that certain posters are being OTT and flaming the OP as they have such a limited view of life they cannot see how much this upsets the OP.
OP has started thinking of ways to compromise already, even before a chat she has thought about DP having meat on the nights she's not there. She is already seeking alternatives. Keep lumping in with the hysteria and insults though.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere Fri 05-Oct-12 21:30:46

I have been a veggie for <cough> 26 years

I am the only one in my family. All 5 DCs have been meat eaters and so is OH.

I have never really found it an issue. Probably because I hate cooking and the idea of bringing up the DCs veggie seems like an unbelievable faff to me. <lazy>

But then OH was an utter meathead when I met him so its not like he has changed..

Like others on this thread I do not object to meat eating. i think its natural. I became a veggie because I couldnt bear how animals are treated by the industry.

I try and buy the best meat I can afford for the family and tbh they only really eat mince and chicken. I couldnt go a good beef joint for example. No way could I spend £15 on a joint.
I hover around the reduced aisle and swoop on any organic/free range.

But that is a bit off the point I suppose

You could ask that he only eat ethically sourced meat I suppose though?

TunaPastaBake Fri 05-Oct-12 21:34:21

But DoMeDon this is AIBU - so piss taking is par for the course ! grin

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 21:39:46

Piss take away smile

I do think there's a line and being unnecessarily unkind is twatish - especially as OP is having feelings she is too embarrassed to share in RL. That is sad and I think she deserves some support, even though she is over reacting.

nellyjelly Fri 05-Oct-12 21:44:47

I am veggie. DH is not. I don't cook meat and ask DH just to buy ethical meat. The kids eat some meat. It is just a compromise.

ravenAK Fri 05-Oct-12 21:46:06

I've been a vegetarian for 30 years. No problem with meat being around (ex publican, cooked & sold tons of it). Dh happens to be veggie too; dc have recently chosen not to eat meat.

It would bother me not one iota if another family member cooked & ate steak.

However, it obviously bothers OP - if her dp could've predicted this reaction, it would have been nicer if he'd talked it through with her first. & I'm guessing that he did expect it if he talked about 'having a confession to make'.

I think he could reasonably do as the OP asks - cook meat when she isn't around & get rid of the gory packaging!

SomersetONeil Fri 05-Oct-12 21:50:53

Not sure where the OP's gone?

Anyway, unless you're hard-core vegan, YABU. Having said that, this could probably all have been avoided if he'd just talked to you about it beforehand. Because surely if the dude's dreaming about meat, and only really properly gave it up because of you - you'd have been reasonable enough to understand where he's coming from and 'allowed' him to eat some meat.


exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 21:55:46

Some of you are going to have huge problems if your DCs want to eat meat in the future and cook it for themselves- it is very common.

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 21:57:42

I disagree exotic, DC would have to chat with the veggie/vegan parents first and come to an agreement. No problem.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 05-Oct-12 21:59:03

YANBU. If are a veggie /vegan this is an important choice for you. It is a belief that should be respected and is part of who you are.

If DP (veggie) told me he had eaten a steak I would be gutted. Because him being veggie is part of our shared belief system

If he wasnt veggie anymore he wouldn't be quite the same person anymore. And because of this I would be gutted.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 22:06:12

I agree DoMeDon but the same applies to a DP.
I don't see why changing your eating habits makes you a different person. I changed mine 3 years ago and I can't see why DH would be gutted! The wedding vows didn't include ' I will stick to my present diet until death us do part'! I am exactly the same person in other ways.

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 22:15:49

It does - he chose not to speak to OP, he 'confessed' after, she was shocked, is over reacting - many people go OTT through the shock of a fait accompli. He could have and should have said "you know those meat dreams, I want them to come true - I need meat. I want some for dinner tomorrow. How do you feel about it and is there anything I can reasonably do to make it less upsetting?"

I do think some issues are game changers for relationships though. A deeply personal view can feel like part of you. I struggle to accept DH's refusal to worship in the house of Haagen Dazs sad

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 05-Oct-12 22:16:01

Imagine you and your partner are both devout Christians. You come home one day and he tells you he doesn't believe any more.

Its the same thing.

AThingInYourLife Fri 05-Oct-12 22:20:11

The idea that a person needs to "discuss" their food choices with another before making them is really weird.

Nearly as weird as the idea of food getting "contaminated" in a freezer.

I would like to ban baked beans from my house. They make me want to vomit. I can't cook them for the DDs or watch them eat them.

And bananas stink! Luckily DH keeps his banana habit as an at-work indulgence.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 22:22:03

He is also able to change his mind on religion. Some people are such control freaks! You make your own decisions- you don't and can't make them for anyone else. How can anyone possibly say that what they think now will be what they think in 10 years time? You don't meet someone and assume that they will be the same aged 80yrs.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 22:23:42

I will only love you if you are a Christian seems weird. It will also be difficult with DCs since they are quite likely not to be.

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 05-Oct-12 22:24:03

It would still be their choice though ItsAllGoingTobeFine.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 22:25:07

I don't see the need to discuss food choices with a partner- unless you are cooking for them. If I want to cook something for myself it isn't necessary.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 05-Oct-12 22:28:10

But if you feEl really strongly about something and your DP does too, that is part of who they are, part of why you love them.

Of course it would be unreasonable to expect someone to adhere to the same belief system, and it certainly wouldn't be a dealbreaker. But in the moment you would be gutted, and things have changed.

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 22:28:24

Noone - even OP- is saying anyone cannot make their own choices. He can decide to do WHATEVER he chooses. OP then decides if she is willing to tolerate it. The mature adult way to deal with a major change in a relationship is discussion. OP thinks bringing meat into their home is a major change, whether we agree or not. Controlling is telling someone they can't do something, or trying to make them do something, it's not being unhappy about it or talking about it.

I quite like drinking, if I decided to be drunk a lot, that would be my choice. I wouldn't expect DH to be OK with it though. (health issues aside)

AThingInYourLife Fri 05-Oct-12 22:28:36

I agree exotic.

His confession seems plenty of recognition that it might bother her.

Vegetarianism is not something you owe to somebody else.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 22:31:36

People are going to extremes of drink and drugs- eating meat is a perfectly normal activity done by the majority. You will see it anywhere you go -it is impossible to avoid.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 22:33:05

He did it when she was out and told her- it doesn't sound to me as if he is going to be eating it beyond 'once in a blue moon'

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 22:34:30

In fact- looking again he just says 'occasionally' - he sounds quite reasonable - just compromise by being when you are not around.

AThingInYourLife Fri 05-Oct-12 22:34:42

He only gave up eating meat because it was easier, she can't ever have believed it was a central part of his belief system.

If they had met as confirmed ethical vegans I could understand the "you've changed" argument.

But he's never been more than a social vegetarian. There has never been a shared belief system.

nikcname Fri 05-Oct-12 22:34:42

I'm a vegetarian because I don't like the taste or texture of meat. Drives me mad that Quorn etc tries to replicate the taste and mouth feel of chicken etc. That is what I dislike!
However everyone else in my house eats meat. I cook bacon, sausages, chicken, it is nasty and I hate the smell but it is also unfair to impose your views on others.
I also second the poster who says lamb smells BAD!!
Choice is for everyone.

thebody Fri 05-Oct-12 22:34:43

He's your dh not a child that you can mould or control. need to just accept its his choice and not sulk and make him pay for it.

It's your choice to b a veggi, great. Not his.

All this melodrama about plates and knives is a bit daft.

Mercapto Fri 05-Oct-12 22:37:24

I'm still here. Ive been working tonight but regulary checking the thread.

Yesterday was a funny day. Earlier at work a work mate asked about my being veggie and we then went on to discuss farm animals and the slaughter process at Abottiors. I felt sick to the stomach discussing it, as my work mate was telling us about when it goes wrong and animals end up being killed inhumanely.

DP and I have had relatively recent conversations about being a veggie and our digestive systems compared to carnivores and nutrition we can get from other foods etc. He reads a lot of books and has been reading up on nutrition lately .A recent book was about wheat/ gluten etc and he decided he wanted to cut these out of his diet. I was and am all for that but it's taken some planning to find alternatives to sandwiches etc.

When we got together it was his choice to turn veggie with me, I never enforced my views upon him. So that bald spot on his head does not resemble a thumb- shape. It kinda matches his dad's bald spot.

When he told me it really did shock me. I just went into my quiet sulky state and couldn't help but view him differently.

I think my over reaction is maybe because I thought we had our shared belief system like ItaAllGoingToBeFine said.

Emmmm want to write more but need to think...

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 22:37:55

I have more understanding of vegans. I don't think that the average vegetarian has the foggiest idea of dairy production. If I was worried about the ethics I would give up milk, cheese etc- it is worse than simply eating the animal.

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 22:38:14

I read it differently - he said he had a confession - he knew she would be upset. He should have given her a heads up first. Whether he chose to be veggie for her or not, he chose it. Of course he can 'unchoose ' it but there should have been some respect for her beliefs IMO.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 22:39:26

I would say that he shares your belief system- he simply fancied a steak for once.

TunaPastaBake Fri 05-Oct-12 22:40:54

What about OP toleration as well as his respect ? Works both ways.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 22:41:01

I know lots of vegetarians who fancy a bacon sandwich- mostly they overcome it.

pigletmania Fri 05-Oct-12 22:41:32

People change. He might want some meat once in a while

OneMoreChap Fri 05-Oct-12 22:44:33


he wanted to be with you enough to stop eating meat.

You react like this to a one-off?
Maybe he shouldn't have stopped at all, and you'd have been less disappointed.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 22:46:23

The moral of the story seems to be that you make it clear to a new partner that your beliefs and ideas are not set in stone- you can change and still be the same person. Give the warning that it is not a good idea to love me because I am a Christian, vegetarian, Chelsea supporter, Labour voter etc because I might not be in 5yrs time - but I am still me!

AThingInYourLife Fri 05-Oct-12 22:47:33

Respecting her beliefs does not require asking her permission to eat meat.

Unless her belief is that she gets to choose what other people eat.

He can respect her vegetarianism without being a vegetarian.

Going back to the Christian thing, should a person having a crisis of faith consult their spouse before having it?

These are matters of personal conscience and belief and not things that require permission or discussion in advance.

panicnotanymore Fri 05-Oct-12 22:49:13

Poor bloke, give him a break. I respect your desire to be vegetarian, but he has a right to make his own choices too. You are effectively saying I have rights, but you don't because your choices disgust me. That's not fair or equitable.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Oct-12 22:50:55

Exactly, AThingInYourLife.

DoMeDon Fri 05-Oct-12 22:52:56

Respecting her would have entailed a discussion. That is respectful. Changing your mind requires no discussion but implementing a change in your lifestyle which affects you partner should. She doesn't want meat in her home, he does. A discussion is the adult way to reach a compromise. Believe what you like but there are certain beliefs I would not tolerate. If DH became religious, for example, it would be the end of us.

whethergirl Fri 05-Oct-12 22:54:07

In my opinion, YANBU. Most meat eaters would disagree, and when it comes to vegetarians, you will get different 'levels' if you like, i.e. some veggies might pick out the meat bits of a dish and happy to eat the rest - others would find that unacceptable.

I have been veggie for over 20 years. In that time, I have lived with two non-vegetarian boyfriends - both of whom I have made very clear from the first that at no point would I ever be happy with any meat being in the house. Oh and fwiw, both of them, in the throes of love, also 'turned' vegetarian (with no prompting from myself) but didn't last very long.

The only way I can explain it to some people is to imagine it being human meat. Even though you don't eat it yourself, you would still be disgusted at the thought of it being in your freezer, being cooked in your pans and the smell of it cooking. Well, that's how I feel about animal meat (and I'm not the only one!).

I think you've just realised what 'level' of vegetarian you are, and now you need to decide what to do. I know it sounds ott, but it's a deal breaker for me - I just can't have meat in the house. There needs to be some level of compromise (mine was, you're free to eat whatever you want but just not in the house) and you need to decide what you will feel comfortable with.

AThingInYourLife Fri 05-Oct-12 23:07:12

There was a discussion.

It took place as soon as she came home and he told her.

He didn't lie, he didn't dissemble, he didn't treat it as none of her business.

He just didn't consult her.

Which is entirely reasonable when it comes to what he eats.

His dietary choices don't affect her in any meaningful way.

She might prefer that he continue to eat as she does, but she describes his decision as motivated by convenience, not conviction.

This is a change of protein, not of belief.

honeytea Fri 05-Oct-12 23:09:32


I had an ex partner who didn't let me eat meat in my own home, I found it very controling and the relationship ended after many year, the meat thing was just one of the issues but I feel it portrayed his desire to make me how he wanted me.

Do you ever go out to eat? I don't inderstand how you could sit and eat your diner at a restaurant whilst other people ate meat but you are not happy with your DP eating meat at home.

If you use a dishwasher to clean the meat dishes there will be no trace of meat left on the dishes.

I think you are taking it too far and you are thinking about an idea rather than the facts, for example a steak will not be contaminating your frozen peas just by being in the same freezer.

Some vegetarians are ok with their partner eating meat, some aren't.
It is absolutely part of my belief system not to eat meat (or dairy) and I could not live with someone who felt it was ok to contribute to the hell that is the meat and dairy industry. I would view them as selfish, lacking in compassion, immoral? Not values I am seeking in a soulmate. Therefore it would be a deal breaker for me. You have to decide if it is for you.

Soupqueen Fri 05-Oct-12 23:45:50

No, a change of protein is chickpeas over lentils, or chicken over lentils.

I say this as a veggie who is transitioning to vegan with a meat eating husband. The difference is that when I married him, I knew exactly what his beliefs were.

I am selfish, lacking in compassion and immoral grin

Soupqueen Sat 06-Oct-12 00:57:35

If I had lived with someone as a vegetarian for 4 years, I would expect they shared the same food beliefs as me. If they didn't,I wouldn't think it unreasonable to run it past me first before they fried up the first steam for 4 years, Not for approval but just out of common decency.

Soupqueen Sat 06-Oct-12 00:58:20

Steam does, if course , equal steak

Smeghead Sat 06-Oct-12 01:05:57

This whole "beliefs" thing is a red herring.

You can abhor the mistreatment of animals in the rearing and killing of them for meat, but still eat meat. As long as you source ethically reared, humanely killed meat then your morals are in tact.

It comes down to the fact that the OP wants him to do what she wants him to do and has, by her own admission, sulked and stopped speaking to him when he said that actually, he doesnt want to anymore.

Oh please. There is nothing moral about having an animal killed just for your taste buds to enjoy ten minutes' worth of meal. It is not necessary to eat meat, therefore to needlessly take a life is immoral.

beitou Sat 06-Oct-12 01:30:39

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Notafoodbabyanymore Sat 06-Oct-12 01:55:31

I don't get vegetarianism/veganism at all and hate the morally superior tone that (particularly vegans) can take with everyone else.
I think having to disinfect your freezer after having meat in it is a bit mental.


This post wasn't about wanting to control what someone else eats (if I'm reading correctly) but about feeling a bit blindsided by something suddenly changing without any warning. The person who compared it to a faith system was not saying "I'll only love you if you're a Christian" more just pointing out that you would feel a bit shocked if a fundamental belief that you shared with your DP suddenly changed without warning.

After all that, I would say OP, you are overreacting, but I can understand why.

SomersetONeil Sat 06-Oct-12 02:43:09

therefore to needlessly take a life is immoral.

Better have a word with the myriad of creatures on God's green earth (and sea) who didn't get that memo, and who are blithely killing and eating their fellow creatures - many not in a very humane way at all.

Animals (of which we are too) eat and get eaten. It's the circle of life. You don't have to partake if you don't want to, but to go on about the immorality of it is illogical.

Smeghead Sat 06-Oct-12 02:46:24

Oh please. There is nothing moral about having an animal killed just for your taste buds to enjoy ten minutes' worth of meal. It is not necessary to eat meat, therefore to needlessly take a life is immoral.

In your opinion.

However, some of us take the view that as we have evolved from, and continue to be as a species omnivores,eating meat is a natural part of being a human. We are the only species that has this hand wringing angst over eating other animals, although I am happy to be corrected by the "Lions Against Eating Gazelles League of Africa" hmm

Eating meat does not mean that a person doesnt care about the welfare of the animals concerned and your condescending tone does not support your argument. In fact if there is one thing guaranteed to put people off listening to what you have to say, it is to be patronizing and snidey. Just a word to the wise.

Smeghead Sat 06-Oct-12 02:47:20

X-Post Somerset smile

SomersetONeil Sat 06-Oct-12 02:55:58


And what you said.

aurynne Sat 06-Oct-12 06:23:59

"It is not necessary to eat meat, therefore to needlessly take a life is immoral."

It might be heartbreaking for some of the vegis in this thread to hear... but when you eat veggies you are also taking lives. Actually, many more than when you eat meat, as meat is usually just a fraction of the body of one animal, while you actually can kill dozens of innocent plants in one salad.

Jokes apart, there is nothing wrong in deciding not to eat meat (or chilli, or mushrooms, or marshmallows...) for any number of reasons. It is when this decision is taken as a religion, or some kind of fanatic activism, when the problem surfaces. There are many studies which clearly and undeniably link vegetarianism with eating disorders in women, and I believe it is very easy to know which of the posters here could be masking an eating disorder problem with an obsession with vegetarianism/veganism that goes beyond anything reasonable. For these posters, I do recommend a time for reflection about what this obsession tells about their self-esteem and their sanity. Because whichever way you see it, every creature on Earth kills other creatures in order to obtain nutrients (yes, even plants do many times, perhaps not in order to synthesise chlorophyll from the sunlight, but they do kill other plants and microorganisms in order to survive themselves... life is hard). Eating meat IS normal, and healthy, and as natural as anything, and the fastest and most efficient way for our omnivore digestive system to get essential amino acids, iron and some vitamins.

I once had a partner who was an extreme vegetarian. Back then I had no idea about this link with eating disorders. His obsession with not easting meat went to the extreme of refusing to kiss me when I had eaten meat, submit chefs to a third degree asking whether or not they had dared to fry the chips in the same oil as anything meaty, and lecturing me about the evils of eating meet at least 3 times a week. Obviously, we did not last long. And yes, he suffered from eating disorders during most of his adolescence. Being a vegetarian, I found out, was one of the ways he found of being in control, not only of himself, but to try to control others and feel he was more "righteous" or "moral" than other people. He actually disliked vegans, because he had tried to become one and had failed. And other vegetarians did not give him the chance to feel superior either, so he avoided them. He was also british, which for some reason seems to be a huge predisposition to obsessions about food (sorry, but having lived in 5 countries and travelled through a dozen more, this is not a joke, but my own experience).

So in response to the OP, I can understand why you would be a bit upset your DP was not sharing your principles about food any more... but what he is doing is 100% normal, ethical and natural. Nothing comparable to giving up religion or doing drugs.

sookiesookie Sat 06-Oct-12 06:56:00

Thrre is one thing that will ensure people start Rollo g their eyes at vegetarians.

And that's the condesending tone that some posters here are using.

Eating meat is not morally wrong. Our bodies need and were designed to ingest meat. Choosing not to does not make anyone morally superior. And you end up looking very silly if you think it does.

flowery Sat 06-Oct-12 07:04:12

whatwouldvegansdo you seriously think everyone in the entire world who eats meat or dairy is "selfish, lacking in compassion, immoral"?

What a joyless life you must lead. That's a lot of wonderful people you're writing off as unworthy of you.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Oct-12 07:05:31

Of course it isn't morally superior. We have the same information we just interpret it differently. I make sure that my meat is produced locally and killed humanely. I buy it at the farm shop- you can see it in the fields. The children knew from an early age that the pig outside will be the sausages inside - they had no problem with that - neither do I. I would hate to see a country with no animals in the fields and them relegated to a few historical breeds farm parks- while we get covered in vast poly tunnels.
I have no objection at all to people choosing to be vegetarian but it is their personal choice and not one they can make for others.
It is very controlling to think that you can say what your partner can eat or not eat within their own home.

LondonKitty Sat 06-Oct-12 07:29:28

Oh the poor guy!! He was dreaming about meat! shock

Surely that would have been the time to have a wee chat??!...

Are you actually cross because you secretly really REALLY want that other yummy steak?? grin

whistlestopcafe Sat 06-Oct-12 07:42:43

I was a vegetarian and then one morning the smell of bacon sandwiches was enough to convert me. Hmmm

colleysmill Sat 06-Oct-12 07:48:22

I was a veggie for 6 years because I just didn't like meat.

I got pissed one night and the lure of McDonald's called and I proceeded to eat a huge box of chicken nuggets.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 06-Oct-12 07:56:54

YANBU you thought you knew him, he's surprised you, you need to recalibrate your knowledge of and feelings about him.

The dreams suggest a nutritional gap in his diet. Maybe iron? If that was fixed, which it easily could be with a veggie diet, he might stop craving meat.

It sounds as though he was veggie partly for your convenience and didn't feel strongly. You knew that, you'll know it's unlikely he'll change his basic feelings and beliefs, so you need to reach an accommodation. This is disappointing for you but can't be the major shock it would have been if he'd been really committed on his own account.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 06-Oct-12 07:59:11

Also, I'm surprised he did this in your house rather than eating something out. I do think that was very insensitive and understand how you feel.

MoreBeta Sat 06-Oct-12 08:03:19

I have a friend who was a long time vegetarian but his family were not. Now he eats meat, mainly chicken and fish. We had a next door neighbour who also went through the same transition, from vegetarian to meat.

Some people obviously, feel their body needs meat after a while.

LondonKitty Sat 06-Oct-12 08:36:56

But didn't the poor guy just have a steak in his own house? He didn't suggest Mercapto join him, he didn't even cook in front of her. I mean if it comes to it, you could say the insensitivity was going the other way too.

You should have talked openly about it before it came to this.

And you seriously need to look into why you are reacting so strongly against his having a different set of beliefs.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 06-Oct-12 08:41:43

OP for the longer term, if he decides to continue with this, it might be best for him to cook meat at home occasionally, if you can tolerate that. Lots of couples eat veggie food at home, then the omnivorous one eats meat when they go out. Seems to make sense except that the meat in restaurants, other than the most expensive and those trading on provenance, will be the cheapest industrially farmed stuff. At home he can choose the highest welfare standards.

sookiesookie Sat 06-Oct-12 08:46:02

I'm surprised he did this in your house rather than eating something out

This sort of comment is so shocking ^^.

Its HIS house too. He didn't do it in front of her and had he have only bought one and hidden the packaging she would never have known. Hr is being punished for cooking a meal in his own house. He didn't force her to eat, smell or watch.

honeytea Sat 06-Oct-12 08:56:00

Oh please. There is nothing moral about having an animal killed just for your taste buds to enjoy ten minutes' worth of meal. It is not necessary to eat meat, therefore to needlessly take a life is immoral

Don't be so stuck up. You do realise that cows, sheep, pigs chickens would not be kept by farmers if we did't eat them. I'd rather be born and live for a while and then be killed and eaten than never born at all.

Maybe OP you could look at meat that you think is ethical, my brother is a vegetarian but when we brought reindeer sausage home last christmas he ate it, his reasoning was that the reindeer would have had a lovely free life and the carbon footprint would have been small.

SarahStratton Sat 06-Oct-12 09:01:02

He'd forewarned you he was struggling. He told you he was dreaming of eating meat, it doesn't come much plainer than that when you're dreaming of it.

I think YABU to make such a fuss about this, it is his house as well, he's an adult, and shouldn't have to ask your permission to eat certain foodstuffs in your (joint) house.

I don't think YABU to prefer him to cook it when you are not around, That I can understand, and consider perfectly reasonable. It is OTT to expect him to not put meat in the fridge/freezer though, that's what Tupperware is for.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Oct-12 09:14:15

Maybe there are deeper problems if such a triviality upsets you.

mrsminerva Sat 06-Oct-12 10:46:52

OP says 'I just went into my quiet sulky state and couldn't help but view him differently.'

I say rather than leave the bastard he should leave you. Think how disappointed he must be in your lack of love.

BoffinMum Sat 06-Oct-12 10:55:21

I think you have got a phobic about meat, tbh. You're entitled to your ethical and personal stance, and you are even entitled to evangelise, but you shouldn't feel quite so nauseated about someone else eating a bit of steak, given that our species is programmed to want to eat the stuff and derive nutrition from it. I wonder if it is worth talking yourself down and re-acclimatising yourself to the presence of meat remains and packaging, etc? If only so you don't experience unnecessary anxiety and unease in what is a predominantly omnivore society.

Salmotrutta Sat 06-Oct-12 11:23:55

I have a confession.

I stroked a real fur coat, in a shop, on holiday .... and I liked it shock

<runs away>

"Maybe OP you could look at meat that you think is ethical, my brother is a vegetarian but when we brought reindeer sausage home last christmas he ate it, his reasoning was that the reindeer would have had a lovely free life and the carbon footprint would have been small. "

I have no objection to your brother eating reindeer sausage, but he is NOT a vegetarian if he is eating meat! No wonder some people get the wrong idea about vegetarians and think they can eat a bit of bacon and sausage sometimes when self proclaimed veggies promote that idea hmm

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 11:34:05

Agreed ^

If I did eat meat I still wouldn't eat reindeer! I hate it when people create demand for 'strange' meats.

MeFour Sat 06-Oct-12 11:36:04

I love that people have said he should have had a McDonald's instead.

So partner of op wants meat
Op doesn't like the killing of animals
Partner has choice,
Choose and select his own meat so he can know where it's come from and how it's been raised
Or McDonald's
I mean really?

Salmotrutta Sat 06-Oct-12 11:50:11

Reindeer isn't a "strange" meat to people in Finland Gold - or other Scandinavian countries either. smile

It's their equivalent of venison.


DorsetKnob Sat 06-Oct-12 11:51:45

honey that is the biggest load of codswallop I have ever heard. Unless the reindeer were loving in the field next door, the carbon footprint to get it over here is high.

Selky Sat 06-Oct-12 11:52:20

I am veggie (20 years) and when we got together DH was too. However within about 3 years he started eating meat again.

I don't mind it in the fridge as long as it is properly stored but I don't cook meat for him. I do cook meat for DC, though only very basic things.

What I do really mind is when he buys meat but it is never eaten. I find that really decadent and immoral. Even thought the meat comes from "happy cows "etc.

But I think that the OP is overreacting a bit.

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 11:52:31

Yes but as I'm from England it is.

Lidl played it well at Christmas, deciding to stock the shelves with reindeer meat knowing it would cause controversy and therefore free advertisement.

And I wouldn't eat venison either.

When I wasn't veggie I just ate the 'basic' meats. Didnt feel right entering more and more different animals into my diet.

DorsetKnob Sat 06-Oct-12 11:52:46

By the way reindeer is delicious but I ate it in Finland where it is not a strange meat.

honeytea Sat 06-Oct-12 12:06:24

honey that is the biggest load of codswallop I have ever heard. Unless the reindeer were loving in the field next door, the carbon footprint to get it over here is high.

My DP's parents live in Swedish lapland and we were there before Christmas. We bought the sausages from the reindeer hearders at a market and we packed them in our luggage when we flew to the UK, so it cost nothing to get them from Swedish lapland to the UK as we were making that journy anyway.

Reindeer is very yum, so is bear.

Asmywhimsytakesme Sat 06-Oct-12 12:07:59

Had reindeer in Scandinavia - was yum smile

Asmywhimsytakesme Sat 06-Oct-12 12:09:01

Sorry op - forgot what this thread is about blush didn't want to make you feel worse!

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 12:09:35

Honey tea - I didn't think you'd be allowed to bring meat over like that?

honeytea Sat 06-Oct-12 12:12:58

Goldship it is fine so long as you are traveling from an EU country and as Sweden is an EU country there is no issue bringing food through customs.

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 12:16:31

Ahh right, thanks, learned something new!

honeytea Sat 06-Oct-12 12:17:17

Some other countries have very strict rules, Australia for example don't let you even take fruit accross the state borders!

Salmotrutta Sat 06-Oct-12 12:22:08

Why would you not eat venison Gold? I'm genuinely curious.
I'm happy to eat venison that came from a red deer that had spent it's life running wild on our hills.
My dad often got given a bit of venison haunch from local gamekeepers - it's gorgeous!

Salmotrutta Sat 06-Oct-12 12:23:34

I've eaten elk too - very similar to venison.

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 12:23:55

I'm a veggie so won't eat any meat.

But when I wasn't, I'd just eat chicken, beef and pork. I think venison is something you sort of go our of your way to buy, like it isn't one of the basic meats is it? So I really didn't want to add more meat to my diet when I didn't like the fact I was eating meat in the first place.

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 12:24:41

I'm not saying chicken pigs and cows are lesser animals, but its more the norm to eat those and didn't want to add another animal to my mouth.

Salmotrutta Sat 06-Oct-12 12:28:09

Well, venison is a basic meat to some sections of the rural population up here - if they are employees of landowners and live and work on an estate.
They are well used to eating things like that.

I know someone who is vair posh and all their meat comes from their estate (rabbit, deer ... erm, badger? <not vair posh emoticon>) and was a bit sniffy about "bought meat" <tangent>

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 12:34:53

salmo but I'm not one of those people and it isn't to me, so that is why smile

Salmotrutta Sat 06-Oct-12 12:54:58

Fair enough Gold smile - I just wanted to point out that venison was probably a meat we all ate when we were hunter gatherers!
Along with rabbit, grouse, ptarmigan etc.

AllPastYears Sat 06-Oct-12 13:02:27

I would hate it too OP! (We have both been veggie for over 20 years and our kids are too.) Do you go out to eat much? Or get takeaways? Maybe that would enable him to get his meat fix without the buying/cooking. Or would it be difficult for you to see him eat meat?

squeakytoy Sat 06-Oct-12 13:11:04

Venison is hardly an exotic meat, and neither is reindeer...

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 13:20:02

I think I've said a few times now that it would be to me. hmm. It's not common place within my family and friend group.

And seriously reindeer isn't? How many cafes or resteraunts do you go to that serve reindeer?

Gold, there is nothing off the wall about game.

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 13:38:38

I think people on this thread might be incapable of reading and its rather frustrating. For YOU maybe. It is not the norm for me and people I know to eat reindeer and venison. It might not be 'off the wall' I don't think I ever said that, it's just not the NORM. don't tell me reindeer is as common to you as chicken is, because I won't believe you.

I've said numerous times now that I ate the basic meats: which to me were chicken beef and pork. I didn't want to add any other animal to that. There was no need to.

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 13:43:07

Sorry that sounded a bit harsh but it feels like some of you are trying to force what is normal for you onto me, when I've explained a few times now.

squeakytoy Sat 06-Oct-12 13:45:22

Venison is reindeer.. reindeer is just another breed of deer, the same as you can get different breeds of pigs and cows.

Game Pie, Game Soup, Venison steaks, other game products are all widely available in every UK supermarket, and almost any restaurant/pub that serves food.

Eating fillet steak isnt really the norm either, and to be quite honest there is very little difference between a venison fillet and a beef fillet..

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 13:48:26

(Bangs head on wall)

It doesn't matter if there is little difference between themr! For me it's about introducing another animal into my diet that I wouldn't need to, because I've never been offered a meal with them in and we don't buy it!


squeakytoy Sat 06-Oct-12 13:49:46

Yes, we get that!

But supposing you went to a meal and the host offered you game casserole, would you actually refuse to try it on those reasons alone??

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 13:51:35

I'm veggie now so of course

But even then yes. And I know, I know how rude it would make me seem but my point is I would never have been offered it anyway because its not something my family and friends eat and I try to find out beforehand what they are going to serve

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 13:52:29

And if you understand me then why do you keep reiterating that its normal for you...

Smeghead Sat 06-Oct-12 13:53:10

Gold. You didnt want to eat more meats and no one is saying you should have done. Then you are saying that it isnt normal to eat venison, well for someone on the verge of vegetarianism, as you were at the time, of course its not normal. But for meat eaters, venison is considered a normal thing to eat.

Just because you chose not to doesnt mean that it isnt a normal meat to choose as part of a meat eating diet.

sookiesookie Sat 06-Oct-12 13:54:12

goldship how can you say your family or friends 'never' do anything. Surely they surprise you at some point.
Tbh I don't really understand your point. You are annoy people eat food here that is not the norm?
I don't get it.

squeakytoy Sat 06-Oct-12 13:54:57

But I didnt say it was normal for me, I said it was normal for most meat eating people in the UK and Europe, you are describing it as if it is some sort of rare exotic food such as crocodile...

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 13:56:26

Smeg - clearly you haven't read. Even when I was a meat eater it wasn't normal. ALL my family and friends are meat eaters but they don't eat it either. Not that they wouldn't, but they don't because its just not something they buy.

I'm not saying anyone is abnormal for eating it. Just it isn't normal for us!

Maybe it's because of where I live, or social class or whatever I don't know. It just doesn't happen.

Iodine Sat 06-Oct-12 13:56:49

As an adult I am quite capable of making choices about what I eat and frankly if someone tried to tell me I couldn't eat something in my own home I would tell them to F-off.

Has it not occurred to you OP that your DP stopped eating meat just to placate you?

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 13:57:01

sookie because they are my family and friends that's why. They have never ate it.

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 13:57:55

And I've never tried to make a point! People started questioning one if my posts and I've answered in reply to them! I haven't intended to make any point!

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 14:01:23

Anyway I think OP's thread has derailed enough! smile

LadyPlainJane Sat 06-Oct-12 14:05:52

I used to work as a meat inspector in abattoirs. I used to check the meat was healthy and that the abbatoirs were hygienic. I found the actual slaughter humane, the slaughtermen were efficient and killed the animals as quickly as possible. What I found was distressing was the transportation of the animals. These days animals are transported mile and miles and even overseas to be slaughtered in huge factory like abbatoirs.
It didn't turn me vegetarian but I do want animals to be treated as humanely as possible. I'd rather pay more for meat and eat less of it than for animals to be raised in very intensive conditions.

honeytea Sat 06-Oct-12 14:08:26

Even in Sweden reindeer isn't eaten as regularly as beef and chicken, moose is eaten mote often than reindeer but stil it is seen as a luxury food. Our freezer does have a picture of a reindeer on one of the draws alongside a picture of fish and a chicken to indicate that is the meat draw, I was a little surprised when I first saw it.

ReindeersGoldenBollocks Sat 06-Oct-12 14:09:48

<goes into hiding due to fear of being eaten>

GoldShip Sat 06-Oct-12 14:10:27

I've just spat my drink out reindeer grin

ReindeersGoldenBollocks Sat 06-Oct-12 14:12:41

I'm applying to become a protected species due to my fabulous golden bollocks - then I know I'm safe.

honeytea Sat 06-Oct-12 14:15:24

I wouldn't want bits of metal in my. reindeer sausage anyway golden bollocks your safe from my freezer ;)

McHappyPants2012 Sat 06-Oct-12 14:20:59

Venison is not a meat people eat regularly, when is the last time you heard of a person saying they had a lovely venison stew or is my baby ok to eat venison ect

Fishwife1949 Sat 06-Oct-12 14:23:35

God how awful for your oh hes most likey been eating meat for ages but felt to pressured to say

I would hate for my oh to feel so repressed he had to hide eating meat from me confused

i thought he was shagging somone else

Its not just your home and if you have small chikdren its very likey you would face this anyway

I think this is more that about just meat

Quite often McHappy

Fishwife1949 Sat 06-Oct-12 14:25:43

If a women came on here a as saying oh was trying to conrol what she ate

Alarm bells would ring

Well for me they are rining now

musicposy Sat 06-Oct-12 14:42:30

OP, I do understand where you are coming from but I think you have to let it go unless your marriage is not worth much to you. He did tell you, at least.

Would he compromise by you going out for a meal a couple of times a week and him eating meat then, or when he is not with you? That way you don't have to have it in the house. That's more or less what we do.

DD2 is a very strict veggie (almost vegan as she eats no dairy, only eggs). When we go into places to eat she has to make sure we ask for fresh utensils/ gloves etc and she can't bear the thought of anything that touches her food having been anywhere near meat. We also have to avoid certain food colourings, most cheesy pasta sauces and a myriad other things which I proably don't need to tell you! She hates us having meat in the house at all, and hates meat being cooked in the same oven. She won't sit on leather chairs when we are out or wear any animal products, including leather shoes.

DD1 is also veggie, but worries less about the little details. I can't say I'm a vegetarian, though I eat almost no meat and only very rarely. I'm extremely sympathetic to DD2's cause.

DH is a hardened meat eater.

Most of the time I cook totally veggie meals. I have very little meat in the house and what I do is just tiny amounts to satisfy DH (eg pepperoni on a pizza). I never buy joints of meat, pieces of chicken, steak or whole fish. That would be a huge step too far for DD2.

But we do eat out and then DH gets meat. He also goes to the canteen at work and gets meat there. I would like him to become veggie because it would make our lives so simple, but you can't make someone else's choices for them. He has a right to eat meat if he wishes to do so.

I suspect you will find if you let it go with no fuss he may return to being veggie. Recently I suggested that DH, instead of taking lunch, bought hot food at work so he could get his meat fix. When I asked him what he'd eaten he said "Oh, jacket potato with beans." grin

LadyPlainJane Sat 06-Oct-12 14:42:49

My DH eats venison very regularly, it's very low fat and tasty.

quietlysuggests Sat 06-Oct-12 14:59:59

aurynne your post is very wise.
I have worked with dozens of young women with eating disorders.
Every single one masked it with vegitarianism.
It is an excellent smoke screen, and the "ethical" argument means that parents are too afriad to really challenge their abnormal attitudes to food.

OP, show your partner you are upset. He may be able to explain his thinking and you will feel more included then.

Smeghead Sat 06-Oct-12 16:42:57

Dont think you will be Reindeer as your golden bollocks will become prized amongst collectors due to your protected status, and you will have to spend your time avoiding the poachers grin

Smeghead Sat 06-Oct-12 16:45:50

The only reason we dont eat venison regularly is the cost as it is very expensive. I am sure that more people would eat it more often if it were cheaper. I liken it to fillet steak and the like, its only because of cost that I dont have it once a week!

squeakytoy Sat 06-Oct-12 17:12:05

I work from home and find it quite easy to bung the dishes into the dishwasher and put a load of washing on in the time it takes for the kettle to boil as I get up. By lunchtime I can put the clean washing in the dryer.

I can zip around the house in fifteen minutes with the hoover too most days, and a quick dust.. it doesnt take long and it means nobody has to spend all weekend doing housework.

squeakytoy Sat 06-Oct-12 17:12:34

bollocks... wrong thread! lol!

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 06-Oct-12 17:18:57

I think you maybe letting your dd2 call the shots there, musicposy.

Iodine Sat 06-Oct-12 17:28:04

Wow, musicposy. So the whole family has to suffer?

squeakytoy Sat 06-Oct-12 17:30:56

I too am thinking that about your daughter MusicPosy.. fine if that is how she wants to live when she has her own place, but utterly unfair to expect you all to pander to her in your own home.

musicposy Sat 06-Oct-12 20:06:39

How are we all suffering? I already said DD1 was also veggie and I am virtually veggie. It's only DH out of the 4 of us who eats meat, so that's one out of 4. I don't ban it from the house, but I don't cook huge joints of meat either, otherwise I would be upsetting 3 people to pander to the one.
It seems weird that if I cooked meat for DH, that wouldn't be pandering, but avoiding it for the three people who don't want it somehow is. confused
I would never try to stop DH eating meat, as I said, it's his choice.

musicposy Sat 06-Oct-12 20:10:35

"fine if that is how she wants to live when she has her own place"

and I happen to think the house is her own place. The house is the home of all four of us. Just because two of them will eventually buy another house doesn't make this one not theirs. I cannot understand parents who take this attitude - that somehow the children are living in their house. hmm

Smeghead Sat 06-Oct-12 20:33:34

I think the PP's were referring to the fact that you cant even keep meat in the house because of her. That is too far imo. She can choose to not eat it etc but to ban it from the house because of one child is OTT.

Would you ban oh I vegetables from the house if you DH demanded it?

namechangemonkey Sat 06-Oct-12 22:30:56

As a RL friend of the OP <waves>, I can tell you that of course we respect your choice, I can't really pretend to understand your feelinngs though as a meat eating omnivore type. I buy as good quality meat as I can afford, eat free range eggs etc, but in reality it doesn't occupy my thoughts too much.

I read your post more that you were surprised by DP (probably after a crappy shift at work, possibly with annoying workmate) and would have liked you to tell him so you'd get time to get used to it. smile

I may be slightly biased though cos I think you are a lovely person. :-D

ivanapoo Sat 06-Oct-12 22:33:05

The thing is you can enjoy a healthy, tasty balanced diet without meat or with v little meat so i don't see why would anyone "suffer" from not having meat in the house.

We as a nation and a global population are consuming too much meat. We eat loads more than we did less than 100 years ago - 80 times more chicken per capita in the US for example. It would do us and the planet a lot of good to eat less meat and fish - and dairy - but unfortunately in the west our diets and shops are largely focused on animal based foods which means it takes more effort than it should.

I know a lot of veggies and I've only known one to use it as a cover for an eating disorder - of maybe 30 people I know with eating disorders.

However I lost at least half a stone when I stopped eating meat without trying, as I naturally found myself eating more vegetables as a result. smug, moi?

honeytea Sat 06-Oct-12 22:46:24

The suffering is because of lack of freedom not lack of meat. We are all capable of living in tents with no running water or electricity but it doesn't mean we should live like that.

Smeghead Sat 06-Oct-12 23:24:06


It isnt about suffering at all. Its about being dictated to based on someone elses life choices.

You dont eat meat, thats fine, I would never try to persuade you to eat it because i respect your choices. I would just expect that you respect mine and if we shared a living space then I would expect compromise and not be dictated to.

foreverondiet Sun 07-Oct-12 08:08:50

I agree separate utensils good idea - eg griddle pan, spatula lifter, plates etc, maybe even separate washing up bowl? but providing meat properly sealed in freezer perhaps YABU.

Or maybe come to agreement that he doesn't cook it in the house only eats it out?

mamasin Sun 07-Oct-12 13:40:45

whistlestopcafe me too. I was veggie for 10 years and a bacon sandwich turned my head! grin

trixymalixy Sun 07-Oct-12 13:44:33

OP, i think you are being a tad unreasonable to try and dictate what your DH can and can't eat or prepare in your house, it's his house too.

I know several people who use veganism/vegetarianism to mask an eating disorder. I also know several that don't.

aldiwhore Sun 07-Oct-12 13:52:35

All that is required here is a set of 'meat' pans, some tuperware for the freezer and possibly a meat set of knives and a chopping board that the meat eater can use happily whenever the fancy takes them.

I'm a massive meat lover but eat vegetarian quite a lot as it's cheaper. I would hate to eat meat only for it to upset my spouse, I enjoy meat, I love my other half. I respect my OH but I will eat meat guilt trip free when I want to, because my spouse respects me.

I don't think YABU Mercapto in that you wish to be meat free in food prep, cooking, and eating. I do think YABU in that you seem to be all or nothing in attitude. There is an easy solution! A compromise. Give him a cupboard of his own for his meaty pans, knives, chopping boards and tupperware. Give him his own shelf in the freezer. If he sticks to this compromise I don't see why either of you will be compromised.

Smeghead Sun 07-Oct-12 13:59:47

Alot of jewish families follow the dietary requirement of keeping meat and dairy seperate, including all utensils, washing up stuff etc. Its easily done.

cory Sun 07-Oct-12 16:45:41

The venison discussion seems odd to me: I always thought eating rabbit and deer and that sort of thing was far more ethical than mass farmed chicken and beef. If I'm going to eat meat I'd rather eat something that has had a decent life up to the point of death.

And btw I did change my religion after 10 years of marriage. Must have been a bit of an adjustment for dh. But one thing he never did was act hard done by because I wasn't the same person he'd married.

Soupqueen Sun 07-Oct-12 16:56:25

This is nothing to do with whether vegetarianism is right or wrong, whether vegetarians would be unreasonable to prefer meat free homes or whether omnivores should be able to cook steak in their own homes.

It is entirely about the fact that OP thought they had a shared value, one which is very important to her. Ignore the fact it's about food if that helps.

This is a big deal, one that can be worked through and a compromise found, but the OP is not being unreasonable in being a bit rocked by this.

GoldShip Sun 07-Oct-12 16:58:00

I'd eaten chicken beef and pork all my life, I didn't want to add another animal to my diet. Nothing to do with which was more ethical. There was just no need to add another animal, especially as I was trying to phase out all meat.

Why is that so hard to understand...

cory Sun 07-Oct-12 17:03:01

Yes I do find it hard to understand, Goldship: to me it would have seemed natural to substitute the more ethical meat for the less ethical. When I started eating free range chicken I didn't see that as a way of adding an extra meat to my diet: I stopped eating mass produced chicken at the same time.

cory Sun 07-Oct-12 17:05:55

"It is entirely about the fact that OP thought they had a shared value, one which is very important to her. Ignore the fact it's about food if that helps.

This is a big deal, one that can be worked through and a compromise found, but the OP is not being unreasonable in being a bit rocked by this. "

Of course this is what it is really about, and Soupqueen is absolutely right. The question is whether you have the right to expect that somebody should stay exactly the same over maybe 50 years of marriage or how you handle change in them.

I think a reasonable compromise was the one suggested by the OP in her opening post: could he cook it when she is not around.

Dh didn't try to stop me from converting- but I don't drag him to prayer meetings and force him to change either. Compromise is good.

Fishwife1949 Sun 07-Oct-12 17:14:15

Why dose he have to eat meat when she is not around she meet him a meat eater most likey he stopped because op was so ott about the whole thing and of you meet somone who smokes or eats meat at the start of your relationship but stops a short way in chances are they might start up again at any point

Hes most likey been eating meat for ages behind your back

My god i would hate to be in a marriage were i was told what i could eat and when i could eat it sounds a bit north korea to me

GoldShip Sun 07-Oct-12 17:20:29

Yes I do find it hard to understand, Goldship: to me it would have seemed natural to substitute the more ethical meat for the less ethical. When I started eating free range chicken I didn't see that as a way of adding an extra meat to my diet: I stopped eating mass produced chicken at the same time.

I wasn't looking for a substitute. I was looking to completely faze out eating meat so why on earth would I add another type confused
Completely different from the free range v mass produced chicken, of course if you're a chicken eater you should go for the more ethical one. I'm not going to suddenly start buying deer when I have NEVER ate it because its more 'ethical'. It's all unethical to me. I can happily say I've never ate a deer!

Smeghead Sun 07-Oct-12 18:43:03

Gold you seem to be missing the point. No one is saying that a person (you) who was becoming vegetarian should have eaten more meat, thats just daft! What we are saying is that just because you didnt eat a particular meat doesnt make it wrong that other people did. Just because you hadnt ever eaten it doesnt make it an unusual thing to do. I dont fly because it terrifies me, but I wouldnt suggest that someone else doing it is unusual, because thats obviously not true!

GoldShip Sun 07-Oct-12 18:46:13

I HAVE SAID MORE THAN 4 TIMES IT IS UNUSUAL TO ME. Nowhere have I said its unusual to others.

And what has your post got to do with my last one confused

And the my earlier comment about people creating demand for strange meat, reindeer is a strange meat! It's not your average venison.

GoldShip Sun 07-Oct-12 18:47:56

Before replying to me it might help you to read my earlier posts because I have to keep repeating myself.

GoldShip Sun 07-Oct-12 18:49:47

And I'll add I weren't the one who turned this into a bloody argument about venison, I was talking about reindeer!

(Yes I know it's all deer but reindeer are different)

MrsWolowitz Sun 07-Oct-12 18:57:49

Goldship I really think that you are missing the point.

Yes, venison is unusual to you however it doesn't make it a strange or unusual meat to others.

If you are purely focused on what is relevant to yourself then I don't really understand how that will contribute to the discussion.

GoldShip Sun 07-Oct-12 19:03:40

'but I'm not one of those people and it isn't to me, so that is why '

'I think I've said a few times now that it would be to me. . It's not common place within my family and friend group'

'feels like some of you are trying to force what is normal for you onto me, when I've explained a few times now.'

'I'm not saying anyone is abnormal for eating it. Just it isn't normal for us!'

All my posts. I have stated a few times now that I know it is normal for some people but not for us. It was other people who weren't accepting that it wasnt normal for ME not the other way round!

And I wasn't wanting to contribute anything! I made a passing comment about people creating demand for meats and got questioned by numerous people and it escalated.


MrsWolowitz Sun 07-Oct-12 19:05:31

<back away from frothing Goldship and gives up trying to work out what the point of her 'passing comment' was>

GoldShip Sun 07-Oct-12 19:12:51


Ephiny Sun 07-Oct-12 19:15:24

I am vegetarian, have been for all my adult life, and cook/eat vegan food most of the time at home.

I still think it's silly and precious to get upset about your partner choosing to eat meat occasionally. No one is forcing you to eat it or cook it. Use separate pans/utensils if you like.

Also don't get why venison/reindeer is any 'worse' morally than beef or pork. Reindeer is a perfectly normal (and locally produced) food in some parts of the world, there's nothing inherently 'strange' about it.

GoldShip Sun 07-Oct-12 19:18:50

Ephiny, I never said it was worse morally. But many people have already eaten (I myself) pork/beef/chicken so don't want to introduce another animal into our already meat filled diets.

GoldShip Sun 07-Oct-12 19:19:37

And the reindeer thing must be a matter of opinion then. I don't see schools serving reindeer do you?

MrsWolowitz Sun 07-Oct-12 19:21:21

Goldfish Thats a financial thing rather than a moral thing.

I'm sure schools where reindeer are common-place serve it.

GoldShip Sun 07-Oct-12 19:24:27

Is reindeer something everyone adds to their weekly shop then? Do we trade recipes of reindeer stew and the like?

I'm not saying at all that its not normal for some people and some cultures but its a bit daft to say its on par with say chicken?

LOL @ goldfish grin that tickled me

MrsWolowitz Sun 07-Oct-12 19:26:44

Ahahaha! I just noticed the Goldfish thing! Whoops, Sorry Gold fish ship grin

GoldShip Sun 07-Oct-12 19:32:11

<swims off forgetting the argument as she goes>

Mollydoggerson Sun 07-Oct-12 19:41:41

OP you are being controlling and obsessive and unfair to you partner.

How would you feel if he decided to become a fruitarian and was disgusted at the thought of any animal products in the house (honestly I think if he hypothetically became fruitarian and was disgusted with animal products alot of people would consider him unbalanced).

Ephiny Mon 08-Oct-12 10:59:09

"But many people have already eaten (I myself) pork/beef/chicken so don't want to introduce another animal into our already meat filled diets."

Well, don't then. Who is saying you should? confused

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