Because i dont bloody well think i am!(273 Posts)
Was away for work sun- tues, dh looked after dcs but did nothing else, food on worktoos, no washing done etc.
So yesterday i tidy up as best i can (working full time) trying to catch up on washing.
Dh and ds1 on xbox as usal.
Same tonight, finished dinner, ds2 wants to go to bed and dh and ds1 sit down for an xbox game. So i am left with all the ckearing up, washing worktops, loading dishwasher etc.
Then i spyed ds1 jumper just thrown on kitchen floor and i asked him to come and pick it up, no repky so i said i woukd count to 3, then dh pipes up 'whoa hold on we're in the middle of a game.
At which point i really lost it, went into living room and attempted to turn tv off but dh blocked me (not pushing me just putting his arm up). Ds1 is laughing through all this which i think is pretty disgusting.
I told dh he should not be encouraging this behaviour of throwing your stuff on the floor and then laughing at your own mother.
Dh said i was 'psychotic' and 'totally out of order' and took ds1 up to our room where they have been since.
So am i out of order? I am friggin livid!
Wait until they are asleep, and take away the Xbox. Hide it, burn it whatever. YANBU!!!
Nope, that would have pissed me off too . He's an adult and should act like it.
YANBU your husband is being a complete and utter arsehole.
You don't need to put up with that crap. You need to have a serious talk with him. How dare he do that to you in front of your son?
No wonder I don't want a bloody man when I read this kind of stuff!
It all sounds like my idea of hell really. You have a very considerate thoughtful man there joking of course. Your son is learning his ways. Does your DH think a woman's place is in the kitchen. It seems like it.
Personally I wouldn't give a bloke like that the time of day. Sell the Xbox and kick ass!
YANBU. This is why I utterly loathe games consoles.
Sell the Xbox and kick ass!
So because you were working away, you have to catch up on all the jobs when you get back? That's unacceptable even if you'd been on holiday!
Your husband's a disrespectful arse but what concerns me more is the message he's teaching his son about how to treat his mother and women in general.
Controllers would be taken to work with me & locked in a cupboard and the lead from out of the back. If there was a way to password lock it I'd do that too.
I know some long suffering woman in a similar situation who took a golf club to the TV. Normally I would be a bit at that kind of thing, but knowing how lazy and selfish her "D"H is, and how much she does, I can totally see how she'd be driven to it.
If DH did this to me, I'd be volcanically angry.
if DH left me to clear up and sat around playing x box I'd be v angry, I mean
Is the Xbox really the issue though?
I just cant believe it tonight, i am . I do not want any of the dcs thinking that its ok to behave like that!
He just came down and i said 'im ready for your apology' and he replied 'you'll have a long wait'!
Im just gutted ds1 had to see me ranting but no way was i going to take that shit.
I always did 24 hours a week and did all the washing, cooking and cleaning. Now i am working full time, doing a masters degree and still expected to keep on top of all the washing and ironing and cleaning, he doesnt even do the food shop, he pays for it but i do it.
I have so much work to do, i have 2 assignments, a presentation and a 3 hour exam looming but have no time to sit down and work.
Am thoroughly pissed off tonight.
Yanbu! Your dh should not be undermining you in front of your ds.
yanbu, x-boxes are addictive.
I wouldn't remove it without talking to your dh as he is not a child, but I think you need to sit down with dh and discuss each parents responsibility and discuss removing the x-box to break the addiction and maybe considder returning it in a month or so.
I would also speak to your son, how old is he?
I am incensed on your behalf!
Well so would I be!!
What a prick. Sorry to say it, but you've got a job on your hands sorting this one out. I'd be livid.
For a start I would not be doing any of his washing or cooking, and any of his stuff left out would be left on his side of the bed. How old is your DS? If he is old enough to reach the buttons on the washer then he is old enough to use and do his own washing too.
Oh and on Saturday, give him a shopping list and the car keys.
I too am incensed on your behalf. Hang on to your righteous anger and make it work for you to sort this out.
How old are your DCs?
TBH it's no wonder your son disrespects you when his father treats you like that
YANBU! Why are you expected to do everything? If they are taking the piss I would draw up a rota so there is no ambiguity as to who does what. As you are working and studying I don't think you should have to do as much as dh.
That's bloody apalling. I know a mum who calmly and quietly went around the house with a pair of scissors and CUT THE PLUG off every tv and games console in the house for much less than this. Seems like a good solution to me.
Ds1 is 7 and a lovely sensitive boy, he has just popped his head in and i told him that daddy was silly tonight and mummy shouldnt have shouted but i am tired of picking up after everyone but like when you have to do homework before xbox then you make sure things are tidy before you play.
Has this been the 'arrangement' ever since you got married, OP? Ie have you always done the bulk of the housework?
IF you are working full time you and DH should be sharing chores and he should be doing washing cleaning up etc if you are away to keep on top of it for you.
It is a worry that he doesn't think his behaviour was unreasonable but if this is a pattern DH and DS1 have been in for a while and getting away with it, maybe he has been taken by surprise by you suddenly blowing up at him and DS. Talk to him and hopefully he'll understand about setting a good example to your DS's and respecting what you do and everyone doing their bit to keep the place tidy. Allocate everyone jobs (rota?! bit supernanny?!) and no-one plays on XBox until XYZ is done!!!
IF not meant to be capitalized - looks sarky and not meant to be
My dad cut the plug off our TV when we repeatedly left a mess and didn't do homework before playing/watching TV when we were younger. It took him such a long time to get it sorted out again afterwards, we always did our homework first!
The problem with dh is that he never ever apologises, even when hes in the wrong, its bloody annoying!
I just cant keep on like this every night, get in, cook, clean up, washing, ironing then finally sit down about 8.30pm. Thats 3 hours after i get in.
You need to tell him to stop taking the piss and start helping with housework or you're selling the Xbox, since it seems to be stopping him from doing anything useful.
the problem with dh is he's not pulling his weight, never mind the apology! Deeds not words!!
The Xbox isn't the issue! Him being a twat is. OP you need to take drastic action starting immediately. Just do the minimum for you and kids, nothing for him and make it clear to the kids that they will be helping out now. The 7 year old can certainly do plenty to help.
Is there anything positive to say about your husband or is this long overdue?
I think the rota is a good idea, at least everyone knows where they stand.
Yes ive always done the bulk of the housework, dh takes care of the garden and bins (although i did bins tonight as they were stinking and overflowing).
When i was part time it was fine but right now i just cant cope. He even thinks my two days away were a 'jolly' despite me not getting there until midnight on sunday, working 9-5 mon and tues then flying home and getting in at 11pm! I went to bed on monday at 7.30pm just because i could!
Garden and bins don't take 3 hours a night though which is what you spend daily on house stuff.
So he also dismisses your career. Another red flag.
Yes dh has plenty of positives, when i was ill after dc3 birth he did everything on his own for 8 weeks, took care of me, did all the washing, cooking, cleaning, school runs, all feeds etc.
He works hard, doesnt drink or stay out.
He does feel like he 'deserves' one day at the weekend just for him where he goes surfing for a few hours. Not sure where my few hours are though!
Sounds like you need to do a rota which includes "fun with dc" and "me" time and how long the chores take.
YANBU mosschops - it's completely disrespectful behaviour from your H. He is supposed to be setting an example and should step up to the plate in doing his part in the house, especially as you seem to have a particularly heavy workload at the moment and could do with the support; imo that's what a marriage is supposed to be. If your DS is old enough he can start doing things for himself, too.
He sounds horrible. The "positives" you mention are hardly great. Not drinking/staying out/having a job is basic stuff. He did the housework and stuff when you had DC3, great, but since (and probably before) then has chosen to leave you to do it all, disrespect you and undermine you with the DC and in your job. Why are you putting up with it?
MN mantra of Equal leisure time applies here.
Surfing every weekend?! As a break from his hard life of being waited on?
You need a little more than a rota and wire-cutters here.
Ah now see where you went wrong was trying to turn off the TV. Just go in the cupboard and trip the leccy switch.....
Damn, i missed tripping the leccy switch
dozer im with him because i love him, he doesnt beat me, fuck other women, force me into sex etc. please dont start the 'leave the bastard' cries.
He is a total prick over this, i agree we need some discussion about roles, but im not likely to divorce him over it.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Yanbu, you need a much fairer division of labour.
schmaltz i have no problem with anyone using the xbox, but not whilst i am expected to tidy up and pick up clothes that other people have left on the floor.
Can i ask did your exH have other issues or was it just this sort of stuff that makes him ex?
What household jobs does the 16 year old do?
Well, if they are making more work for you by leaving things messy in the kitchen, then I don't think you've got time to be doing the other things for them do you? Like washing and ironing (aimed at your DH and maybe also at the oldest DC - he's plenty big enough to be able to wash his own clothes.)
If they have no clean socks then they either need to wash them, or tidy up after themselves so you have the time to wash them.
It shows a massive disrespect for you and your time, to assume you are only there to pick up after them. The subtext is that they are far more important than you. Do you have any daughters? DH is a lot this way inclined too, mainly because of his upbringing which was very traditional - his mother did everything, as well as working full time. His Dad still won't make his own sandwich if there is a woman around to do it for him. I have partly managed to improve things by pointing out that he is setting the example for dd (whom he worships beyond belief!). Does he really want her to grow up thinking she's only good enough to wait on men? That she must do everything for them so they can relax while she works? He emphatically does not want that. He wants her treated like a princess. It hasn't totally changed him but it does make him think more carefully about the behaviour he's modelling for her.
Well if he can manage 8wks of doing stuff then he can manage doing the odd bit around the house. DH was so used to me doing all the general house stuff he had a great big when I started my full time nursing course. 12hr shifts as well as studying=v v messy house
DH and DS(then 13) had no choice but to man up because I refused to do everything by myself. I did laundry etc for DD(then 3) and whatever was not in the basket didn't get done. DS had the power cable and controller to the Xbox taken away more times than enough and DH was told that if he expected a clean and tidy house then he would have to do the housework (and not rope MIL into it ).
Took a while (and lots of and
closing eyes to mess lowering my standards adapting to DH's standards) but we now share the housework pretty much 50:50 ie if we're both in then one will do upstairs while the other does downstairs. Now I just have to persuade him that he's a better cook then I am so that I don't have to do 99% of the cooking
I'd go absolutely ape shit if my partner treated me in that way in front of my sons.
If there is one thing I feel I want DP and I to teach our sons its that they respect women. How your husband acted is the total opposite to that, and your som laughed? Id personally find that very concerning. But I perhaps dwell on a different area of concern than others because I have a bee in my bonnet that I want my sons to treat women well.
Its good to hear that he's not a prick all the time but I think now is the time to explain that it was far from a joy and list all the shit load of stuff you had to come back to. As well as the above issue
re the things you highlight as the reasons for being with him, hope you're being sarcastic.
I didn't say leave him, just highlighted that his behaviour at the moment is pretty shitty.
Hope you get this sorted OP.
check into a hotel nearby for a couple of nights, with instructions that unless the house is SPOTLESS when you get back, you are selling the computer and all the games. In fact no, give them to charity.
i love him, he doesnt beat me, fuck other women, force me into sex etc.
You need to raise your expectations. A man who doesnt beat you, rape you or cheat on you is not necessarily a good husband.
Dd (16) is good, her daily jobs are to empty dishwasher, feed dog, keep room tidy,
give me a massage
she has a part time job and works saturday and sunday. She also does occasional babysitting for free for us.
Ds1 (7) gets himself dressed and makes his own breakfast, thats about as far as it goes
Dd is being "good", DS1 plays on xbox with his dad, while the women do the wifework.
So he's got his daughter trained up like his wife while the males of the house do fuck all. Nice.
Yes i agree the behaviour is pretty shitty but generally i feel we have a good marriage.
He nearly always puts the boys to bed, does bathtime, does some of the extra curricular stuff, picks dcs up from childcare if he is home before me.
He is extremely lazy when it comes to house stuff which really annoys me, all jobs are half finished.
If anyone came in my house tonight i would be mortified, it hasnt been hoovered for a week, there is a pile of ironing on the table, it smells because he didnt empty the bins, the kitchen floor is covered in crumbs and dog hair. Its disgusting!
No one sits down here till it's all done - Df mucks in as much as me when he getsIn ( after a cup of tea and play with ds 20mths ) - makes everyone more efficient as we all want to finish. If you finish what you are doing and something else is left then you carry on - we find it works well. So if dh comes in you all cook and tidy up and no Xbox till all jobs are done imo
And you are still with him why?
Is your self esteem that low?
Ps Yanbu and I would be having a stern word with dh - apology most definitely required from your dh!
I think you need to sit down with your dh and explain that a a couple you decided that you should work full time and do your masters and as part of that he needs to step up to the plate.
The thing that would worry me about the argument is that our 7yo may have felt very conflicted and a little scared. If he is sensitive, seeing his parents talking to each other like that can be bewildering at least. You have apologised for shouting but I think it's important that he sees his dad apologise for shouti g at you and calling you names.
It sounds like your family dynamic has changed but your dh hasn't quite realise that he needs to take on a bit more. At the moment it sounds like your dd does more than him!
Good luck with the exams and papers!
This is the son who threw his jumper on the floor and refused to come and pick it up. I'd be expecting an apology from him too and explaining that he will soon have a list of daily jobs to do and an Xbox ban tomorrow night.
Nip this in the bud sharpish - do the rota, stand your ground and tell them that this is a family and you all have to do your bit. No one should be able to live like a single person in a hotel having everything done for them. It's ridiculous. Put it like that to them and keep at it til it becomes a new habit.
But he's 7 and just got caught in the middle of warfare.
I remember being the same age and the cause of a massive fight between my mum and her sister. It was horrible.
Agree though that he needs to understand that He needs to be responsible for his belongings. Perhaps that could also come from dad to reinforce the fact that mum and dad are a team.
Have just spoken to dh.
He said he could not support me because my behaviour and shouting was out of order. Apparently if you ask a child to pick up a jumper in the middle of an xbox game then you shoud expect to allow said child to finish game, then pick up jumper. However like i said to dh, having employed this tactic many times before, it diesnt get done and i end up doing it. Dh said its just a jumper but doesnt get that it was the straw that broke the camels back, when i came home it was the bins, toys left out this morning, beds to make, washing to bring in, dcs to collect and take out!
He managed to get a dig in about me going away for 2 days.
I left the room saying that i need more help, we need a rota and that i cannot continue to do it all as i am not paid help
I'm sorry he's still being an arse
I've always been told that parenting 101 is never contradict the other parent and if you disagree discuss it afterwards when little ears are not around
Hope he sees the error in his ways. Maybe you should consider a general strike and spend your time in the library.
He's told you quite clearly (again) then, hasn't he. No respect for you as a woman or mother or for your career.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Really bad, really, really, really, really bad. I would be tempted to move out or change the locks, I would be that mad.
This sounds like time for a "if it's on the floor it goes in the bin" threat.
A strike, hiding the x box controllers, move out to a hotel for a week, whatever. He canNOT call you psychotic for getting cross about a jumper.
I truly hate to say this, but this behaviour is likely to continue and you will keep making excuses for him, focussing on the few positives and ignoring the negatives. You are kidding nobody, least of all yourself.
You sound so like I was. I said all of those things to other people, but deep down I knew I was making excuses. I was afraid to be alone, to be a single parent, so I accepted things.
I stuck it out for about seventeen years or so - then he did one final (not major if taken on its own) thing and I couldn't take it any more and the marriage was dead from that point. I left him a few months later.
Please expect more for yourself.
schmaltz I'm sorry your marriage broke down, but god they sound very similar!
He makes me question myself now though, should I expect my child to jump up and do as I ask immediately? Should I have shouted? Should I have attempted to turn the tv off?
Tbh you should have expected the jumper would not be on tbe floor in the first place. It doesn't sound like your husband or son have much respect for the house.
apos I would feel ridiculous telling people I ended my marriage because he wouldn't share the housework or empty full bins!
AIBU here? Maybe I am, but I don't think I expect too little, do you really?
There are lots of little niggly things but I don't think they're major. He's never respected my career, he is getting worse at Xmas and birthdays, last Mother's Day he gave me money to get my own present.
I think you should have laid down the law earlier - when you got home from your time away (and for however many years you've been together!) - so that you didn't get to the point where you were arguably being a bit unreasonable.
Squishy is so right, come to think of it. You should have opened the door, boggled, and turned on your heel, gone to a hotel.
I don't think you were unreasonable to expect your ds to do it htere and then. I don't think you would normally expect him to tell you when he will do it. Your dh stepped in because he didn't want his own fun spoilt.
Trying to turn the tv of is also reasonable given your Dhs reaction. You would have been the bigger person to walk away at that stage and rip him a new one once ds in bed. However, in the heat of the moment I would have done exactly as you did!
The worst thing about your Dhs behaviour is that he didn't react because he thought you were being unfair on ds, here acted because he didn't want his game interrupted. If your ds had been playing on his own I doubt your dh would have said anything
Start now. Write a list of all the jobs that need to be done each day. Sit down with everyone and ask everyone to choose which jobs they are going to do and on which days.
Basically you need to aim to have the same amount of down time as each other. He is relaxing too much and you are working too hard.
If he refuses to help, he can pay for a weekly cleaner.
If the only problem truly is the place being a mess and you being expected to do all the cleaning / cooking / ironing etc. then get a cleaner.
Take the controllers for the xbox to work with you, and only bring one home.
You need to talk to dh and make sure he knows it is about him undermining you not about a stupid game.
Also I have stood in front of the television, who hasn't? Turned it off mid programme, etc and sometimes the shock is palpable and it's quite nerve-wracking because it's such a jolt for the ignoring people. BUT it's a quite normal, attention seeking tool and extremely useful.
In our house for lesser crimes the call goes out "you have five seconds to save your game/set tv to record then I want you in here" and I think it's totally, totally reasonable to do this with teenagers. You shoudl never ever have to do this with your husband, ever, he's not a child and shouldn't behave like one.
It's not the individual things that he's doing that you need to look at. It's the culmination of things. It all adds up to him having no respect for you. He also sounds very stubborn; can't see that he's in the wrong.
My ex never ever apologised - he was never in the wrong in his eyes.
When I got angry he ignored me and then just wouldn't talk to me for a couple of days. He was even "off" with other people when he went in a huff with me. I was always the first to make up and had to work hard at that to get him to talk to me. No matter what he did I eventually believed that I must be the person in the wrong.
I don't want to share everything he did as this is a public forum and I don't want to be recognised; suffice to say most of the things he did MIGHT appear minor to someone if that was all he was doing.
I'm obviously not saying you should leave him - that's entirely your decision. Perhaps, though, he would consider relationship counselling.
God yes Dh can ignore me for days and will never say sorry.
I end up making in roads and wondering if it was all my fault to begin with (like now)
Get a cleaner if you can afford it
Look at a robot cleaner eg http://www.irobot.com/uk/roomba/ - expensive, but brilliant
Buy more underwear so that other people run out of socks before you do
Don't fall into the trap of doing things because no one else has bothered. Leave it long enough, they'll do it eventually
Invite his friends over for dinner, so he won't want them to see the house in a mess
Don't think of it as him "helping" you - it's a joint responsibility
It's all easier said than done, I know that, hope these suggestions are some help
my advice is always the same. from tomorrow stop doing his washing and ironing. Tell him that is what you are going to do so that it doesn't come as a surprise and explain to him that you do not have time to do another grown person's washing. stick to it.
If he ends up with no clothes and clothes all over the floor, buy a washing basket and put everything in there, put the lid on the top and leave it.
depending on the age of your kids do the same for them. there is no reason why you should be doing his washing, no reason at all.
I nearly agree with Duelling Fanjo except I don't think you should be picking up his washing from the floor. I'd say leave it on the floor.
by the way - i did this with my husband. He still leaves all his washing until he has no clothes left, he still leaves everything on the floor (as do I sometimes so I can't complain) but I simply pick it up, put it in the basket and leave it. I feel better because I am not faffing about with his clothes and I don't have to separate his stuff from mine because our things go into different baskets and I just deal with mine and DS's (22 months) washing.
Mosschops your expectations are so low. He doesn't beat you and rape you - great.
He is being completely unreasonable, your DS should have come to pick his jumper up immediately, and your DH should have backed you 100%.
Tell me you don't do his ironing...
honestly, I know how hard it is to get the courage up to say 'I am not doing this anymore' but it's worth it. I actually used to iron all my DH's shirts but never do any of my own so I was always rushing to iron something quickly in the morning before work. What a fool!
I occasionally will iron him a shirt now, if he has had a hard week or something and I am doing something of my own but the days where I used to iron enough shirts for the week are over. I calmly told him that I wouldn't be doing it any more. he didn't object, how could he reasonably object when we both worked full time and he's an adult with hands and eyes.
leave the game cases and hide the game disc.... selfish sods. teach them a lesson!
You do his ironing! But you work full time and study. Why on earth are you doing that for.
Yes he is being a disrespectful twat, but you are providing the landscape for him to do it in. Stop behaving like a skivvy, sit everyone down and tell them how things are going to be from now on.
How are things this morning?
No doubt the things that have come out of this thread have given you a lot to think about.
In your position, I would now be thinking about the following:
- the message this situation is sending to your daughter - is this how you would like her relationship/marriage to be in the future? Running around after the menfolk and getting zero respect in return?
- the message the situation is sending to your son - that it's acceptable for the women to do all the work while he sits around playing games. Would you like him to treat future partners like this because it is the model he has grown up with?
- Really, really think deeply about what you said here about the reasons why you are with him and why you think this is all that you deserve from him:
he doesnt beat me, fuck other women, force me into sex etc
- his belittling attitude towards your career
He even thinks my two days away were a 'jolly'
He's never respected my career
He managed to get a dig in about me going away for 2 days
- what is the likelihood that he is going to change his behaviour or even consider that it is unacceptable, bearing in mind you have also said this about him:
Dh can ignore me for days and will never say sorry
Dh said i was 'psychotic'
The problem with dh is that he never ever apologises, even when hes in the wrong
He makes me question myself
I end up making in roads and wondering if it was all my fault to begin with
He does feel like he 'deserves' one day at the weekend just for him... Not sure where my few hours are though
he is getting worse at Xmas and birthdays, last Mother's Day he gave me money to get my own present
Like I said, a lot for you to think about here.
I ask once, then I say 5 seconds, then I turn the power off at the mains! works a treat!
It sounds like he is used to you backing down. Please don't this time. You hae no need to doubt yourself.
Of he won't sit down and discuss this with you then you will have to play him at his own game
Dh and I got a cleaner to save our marriage! Honestly though, these kind of niggling resentments can eat away at your relationship. If we couldn't hae afforded the cleaner our next step was to have a very strict rota!
I flick the switch on the fuse box for the sockets and deny all knowledge !!
Is it not possible to pause a game? Luckily for me we haven't got to the computer game stage but I can't imagine having to wait until they've reached the end of a level or something
Yell "can you pause the game for pizza" just to prove they can. Of course they can.
Oh my son says playing online you can't, but who cares.
If he was playing his dad I guess he wasn't online.
But your right, the day a game takes precedence over real life is the day the controllers get locked in your desk drawer at work
The straw that broke the camel's back was your son's but the real problem clearly appears to be your DH.
I wondered... Your DD has regular jobs and your DS of a similar age is only expected to get himself out of bed. Does DD earn extra privileges or rewards for her work?
I think the dd is 16 and the ds is 7
Your DD has regular jobs and your DS of a similar age is only expected to get himself out of bed
Because one's a boy and one's a girl and in this household the women do the work and the men sit round playing games.
And yes I know the boy is 7 and the daughter's 16.
I don't think the jobs are unreasonable. Depends what was expected of dd at 7. It would be unreasonable if his jobs didn't increase with age though.
I think it's a bit harsh to suggest moss is bringing up a Neanderthal just from this thread
I'm a husband and the DP and I have differing ideas about 'tidy'
When I have the kid and she is at work, the house does, admittedly, look worse than the days she has the kid and I am at work - but I genuinely don't notice it until she points it out. I just have a higher 'mess threshold' I think.
However, your DH is totally out of order.
Sorry, I thought the DS was 17! My mistake!
I know the issue isn't the xbox, but there is something about them that turns even the nicest men into vile, agressive, violent, entitled shits.
The only (two) times my very gentle DP has ever shouted at me has been over asking him to do something (vvv minor) when playing xbox. He has said that he does feel it changes his emotions quite violently when playing and we have agreed that he doesn't play it around me. Oh, and the last time he shouted at me we agreed that if he did it again he would be kicked out. We generally don't argue so the xbox stuff is v out of character.
Bin (smash up and throw into a canal) the xbox and then sort the rest of his behaviour out is my advice.
if you now workin full time and dh is to then you get a cleaner and ironer. stop irnonin for anyone.
do online shiopping, when you done it once it will store yourfavourites and you just order same stuff each week. no one has to go out and supermarket shop, except maybe to get somethng special/different to the usual or run out of.
you could stand behind xbox and when is clear pause you turn it off so they cant say "but its in midle of game"...
the fact he blocked you with arms is worrying is he much bigger stronger than you ? (even if not when someone is angry they develop a lot of strength...)
Why couldn't your DS have pressed pause, put his jumper away and then gone back to the game?
I would be setting up a rota with everyone having daily jobs, and would be setting up a whiteboard with house rules, the main one being, no sitting down until things are tidied away (pots, clothes, school stuff, etc).
Your husband sounds more like a child in the house than a supportive adult partner.
His lack of respect for you is evident in what you have posted. I hope he changes his way but I doubt he will.
When I have the kid
the days she has the kid
Lovely terminology you use for describing your son or daughter, macadaynu.
The problem is that you see the housework as your responsibility and your dh is helping you out by doing any of it.this has to change
I don't like 'DD' or 'DC' It's not what I call her in real life, it's sort of her name for here - I think it as her name, but type it as 'the kid'
At least it's actual words rather than an acronym
I get where you are coming from Machadaynu, I really don't like the 'darling son/daughter/husband/wife'
You would think you had just referred to said child as 'little shit'
Mosschops - he really does need to pull his finger out, I would also 'lose' the XBox..... You sound stressed and knackered and at the end of your tether
I don't like acronyms either, I just think 'my son' or 'my daughter' is preferable to 'the kid'. That's all.
I'll bear that in mind, Numberlock, but, well, she is a kid, and to me she is the definitive article. 'The kid' therefore seems about right to me, and I like that 'the kid' is non-gender specific too.
I don't think I'm going to be able to please you. Sorry.
Mosschops, he is being out of order - but yelling and shouting in front of DS1 about a jumper on the floor werent great either on your part (you werent really angry with DS1 I think, actually with DH).
I agree with other posters - a rota of everyone's tasks (DS1's tasks can include tidying his room/up after himself and helping tidy up after meals) and getting a cleaner if you can afford it will help take some of the pressure off of you. You also need to talk to DH about how you are feeling the pressure and cant work full time, do a masters and do the lions share of the housework all at the same time so something has to give.
He left for work this morning without saying goodbye.
My neighbour rang and asked if we wanted to go round with dcs tonight for curry, so I txt Dh and asked if he fancied it, he replied 'no'
I rang him twice and he cut it off. When he did phone I said look let's go it might break the ice. He said he's pissed off with me and has a right to feel like that. I said I'm pissed off with him but don't feel the need to drag it out for weeks.
We are supposed to be out tomorrow, have theatre tickets.
We can't afford a cleaner.
I have apologised to ds1 for my behaviour last night and have told him that he will have jobs to do from now on and that we will discuss it together.
He's just pulled up so will keep you posted
He's being very childish. In fact it sounds like your 7 year old is more mature.
Could you take your dd to the theatre if he is still sulking?
The best way to deal with a sulked is to ignore. If he persists in acting like a child, keep treating him like one!
Please don't pander to him. Go for the curry with the kids and to the theatre with your daughter or a friend. Let him sulk and enjoy some well-deserved free time.
I don't think your husband is a very nice person, sorry. Or maybe he is, but he isn't being very nice to you.
It's not really appropriate for dd we were seeing a comedian.
I can't afford to go and pay for a curry unfortunately, am skint after my 'jolly'
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I just can't believe he's being such an arse!
It is like he actually thinks you are a sub-species that he can treat like shit whenever he feels like it. He has a 'right' to feel how he does?
Fuck him, I would be telling him to go and find a sofa for the weekend to snap out of his mood if I were you.
Moss - if you back down now, this will be your life for the next god knows how long. You have to make a stand.
I am in the chippy with ds1 just me and him.
Dd is out with friends
Dh at home being miserable on his own.
I have done all my ironing and left all his stuff. Will not be doing any if his washing either.
I'm drawing up a rota tomorrow
Not sure if anyone's mentioned this already, but this has nothing to do with the Xbox, but everything to do with your DH's lack of respect for you and what you have to do. Yes, he's entitled to some free time, as are you. But please don't blame a games console for his shitty behaviour; it's like people blaming Facebook when their husband has an affair. It's people's behaviour that's at fault; not the machines.
mosschops - You are one of the long timers I remember and just lately I have been so surprised at how down you sound. This thread has been a real shock and eye opener.
Looking forward to seeing your rota
justfab your post has made me . I didn't realise it sounded that bad
My heart goes out to you. I told you my story earlier, so I won't bore you by repeating it now. Reading what you're saying is like reading about what was my life. He sounds so like my ex and you are so like I used to be. It makes me so sad to read of someone else being so lacking in self-esteem that they are accepting this bullshit.
However,I know, sadly, from experience that no matter what people tell you to do you will not stand up to him or be firm and determined until you can take no more. When I got to that stage I knew instantly that was it - he had finally killed my feelings for him and the marriage was dead. There was no going back. Even after I left him and he realised what he'd done and pleaded and cried for me to take him back I didn't - because inside I had gone kind of numb and this made me resolute.
I truly hope for that things do work out for you well for you and your children, whatever that may be. He may change his ways and buck his ideas up and become a man of the twenty-first century rather than a man from the 1950s. |One can never tell. However, please don't give him many more years in the vain hope that it will happen. Give him clear directions of what you want and expect, don't waver on that. Say it and mean it.
Sorry starting to ramble now.
Mosschops - I feel so sad reading this thread. I have a friend who went through similar with her husband. To begin with things were fairly equal, but after the baby she started doing everything because she was not working. Then she gradually found herself in more and more of a servant position than a wife. He was studying long hours and so she would make excuses for him never being at any events, like Halloween, when families would normally all go out together in our neighbourhood. "Oh, he just wanted to play Warcraft, he had a long week, it's his only hobby, I'm glad because it keeps him home and not out drinking"... if she ever got an hour to go out without her daughter she would constantly worry about how long she had been gone as he was doing this immense avour by babysitting his own child.
It was deeply, deeply depressing and got worse and worse... she became vegetarian so would cook all his meals separate to her own because he could never eat the things she liked. I saw her in the grocery store at 9pm with her 4 year old because 'he fancied cheesy nachos and we didn't have the stuff in' - bear in mind he was at home, but she didn't leave her child there while running to the store. She even stopped sleeping in her own bed, because he would play the games in there until upto 4am, and she didn't want to bother him by asking him to move rooms, so she slept on the couch.
Finally he ended up cheating on her with someone he met on the game system. Probably because he had completely lost all respect for her and saw her as a doormat that was there just to cater to his needs.
It took that huge life event (finding the messages about the cheating) to fix her marriage. She was going to divorce him, but he managed to beg a reprieve. He now plays games far less, takes her out more, does his share of housework and childcare. She is back in university and well aware she could live without him now and he knows it too, so keeps toeing the line.
I truly, truly hope this isn't how your story ends, but all the things you have written here are the sorts of things she would say and I am worried for you. Plus the silent treatment is such a manipulative, controlling characteristic. He does it because he knows you will back down and make up. Probably from past experience.
Don't do it! Be persistently, annoyingly cheery, don't do any of his stuff, but don't fight about it. Make him have to start the discussion that is coming.
Get your life and your evenings back :-) Do it for your son, so he will respect you as an adult. So he will respect his future partner.
GOOD LUCK!!! We are all rooting for you.
I haven't got low self esteem, not at all. Yes i might have let Dh take the piss since I went back full time but he's really pissed on his chips this time
you can turn this around and just because he's being a tosser over this latest stuff doesn't mean it's all going tits up. You sound strong and vocal and like you won't take bull-shit. perhaps e just needs reminding of the fact. Good luck and once again I say STOP doing his washing and ironing.
Good luck Mosschops
When I went back to work there were many adjustments that needed to be made. My DH is a nice, normal, helpful person but still it was me who had to do all the pushing to new ways, pointing out what has to be done, laying down tools. What pissed me off, much more than the actual work, was that it was all down to me to think about the mundane. Really, I have to tell an adult that there are children to be fed??!! It's not a surprise, I find a number line easy to use for meal time planning ;)
I'm not into the whole chore rota and calculating free time because then, at the end of that long day, it'd still down to me to do the organising. Then you end up picking up those other jobs that aren't easily categorised, then they are not recognised. I've done the hoovering like you asked so I'm logging off with a virtual gold star because I must be fab. Fuck that, look and think. Oh the shopping was done online and delivered. It must have Ben the fairies who worked out what was to be eaten, what was
I am sorry I made you . It was just a feeling I had that you were being worn down. Doesn't make it true.
My xh used to behave badly and then turn it on to me when I would snap and the scenario you outlined in your OP would have made me snap 100%. Over a couple of days I would end up feeling awful and that I was a bad person and be grateful when I was forgiven
As someone said early in the thread its reading this stuff that makes me a happy single
Good luck sorting this out and dont back down
I have a question about finances OP.
You said that you do the shopping but he pays.
Also that you asked him if he fancied the curry night but then you said later, once he'd said he didnt want to go, that you couldn't afford to go. Is this cos he would only pay if he went to?
Just wondering if he has some financial control over you also.
number i earn a good wage, and i pay some towards the mortgage, council tax and tv licence. I pay for my own car, my credit cards etc.
Dh pays the rest of the bills, all kids activities (footy, rugby, beavers, school dinners, multisports and judo). He also pays for all food stuff including any meals out, takeaways etc.
I pay for all the childcare, which leaves me with enough, but i am careful with it and give myself a set amount each werk which i dont like to go over.
I could have had the curry, but it was unecessary expenditure and i would rather save the money i have left this month and pay a bit more off my cc
mosschops, maybe you would be better with a joint account for bills, into which you both pay an amount, proportionate to what you earn. Might leave you with a bit more cash.
I think you are doing the right thing in not doing your dh's washing etc. He is taking the piss, but it's not too late to reel him back in.
Well he got up with the dcs this morning, did their breakfast, bought croissants from the shop. I had a lie in until 9.30
He's now decorating their bedroom.
This is how the apology starts, without saying sorry.
His washing is still in the basket, I have done everyone elses
Classic self-martying nonsense. Good luck mosschops.
Hmmmmmm don't get the joint finances thing at all, surely you should have equal spends each month regardless for who earns what or who pays what, can't believe he could have money sat in the bank whilst you're paying interest on credit cards...
random not sure where you get that very one sided argument from.
I have more money than Dh left over each month, I have 0% interest cards which are less than his because I am more sensible with my monthly wage
Omg I am so mad!
Asked him this morning if he still wanted to go to the theatre, he said he didn't know. Asked him again just now and he said 'no'!
And I thought 'you are a fucking cock'!
Am going to town with dd, we will have a nice meal I will drink lots of and I will pray comedian isn't too rude for her
She's 16, she'll love it, bet she knows more than you! She will certainly think she does. Have a good time!
Why did you just think it? Try saying it outloud occasionally!
He is cutting his nose off to spite his face. Sod him, if he's going to behave like a brat. Don't let him change his mind at the last minute - your dd sounds like she deserves a reward, given that she is pulling her weight and her dad is being a right lazy arse and a total miserable git.
I can't stand it when people sulk - it is so manipulative.
Agreed Karma. Sulking is another bullying tactic and this has been going on since Thursday...
We are really looking forward to a girls night out!
I said fgs why can't you just get over yourself and stop dragging it out. He replied 'because I don't like you'!
Fine by me matey I don't like you either
I know you didn't want to hear 'leave the bastard' type comments, but he just said that he doesn't like you. This is a bit more than him being a lazy git and taking you for granted. That is proper spiteful.
At the very least, you need to completely renegotiate how your household functions on a practical level and have some serious conversations about how you both view the future and whether the other person is part of that vision.
Have a good night moss and imagine how good it would be if you weren't coming back to this useless tosser at the end of it...
I like your style mosschops. DH thinks he's ruining your treat but instead you go and have a nice girls night out with your DD. I bet DH will be sitting at home feeling all sorry for himself.
As long as he's not financially bullying you as well, that's all I was concerned about. Unfotunately any of his debt is yours as well cos you're married...
Have a great girlie night out, I can't believe he is still sulking sounds like he completely knows he's in the wrong tbh!
Please just talk to him properly
You need to adjust all the goalposts
Of course he is being unreasonable
But you need to sit down and discuss what needs to be done
Would you consider getting some household help with cleaning / ironing? It does sound like dh has his good points & this is becoming a huge issue. U both need to take a step back and consider where you are going with this. I do think he has a point to an extent after all he was playing with one of the kids!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Well you couldn't make it up what happened to me last night?
Who wants a laugh?
(Although I'm not laughing about it yet)
What happened mosschops?
Oh dear. I'm new to this thread but suspect this won't be funny...
Soooo...? What did he do?
Where is Anyfucker <panics>?
Moss, I really feel for you, it sounds as if you're starting to realise how much of a twat he is being/has been and that's a difficult thing.
So I had a nice meal with dd, small glass of wine and went to see show which was hilarious. At half time I said to dd that I have stomach pain but thought it was just bloating after dinner.
Went back to watch the show, felt a bit sick, told dd I was going to toilet, got up, walked towards the doors was dizzy, couldn't see, fell thru the doors collapsed, vomited everywhere and then proceeded to lose all my bodily functions
They wrapped me in a sheet, took me to the toilets, removed all my clothes, it was awful
Dd rang Dh, who turned up to the stage door like a night in shining armour with spare clothes, baby wipes and dressing gown.
He proceeded to pass me tissues throughout the night whilst I threw up.
So there it is, my most mortifying night ever with some killer bug that is still attacking me
Oh God, poor, poor you
(Are you still mad at him?)
Well I'm sorry you're ill but now he's a 'knight in shining armour'?
You poor thing! What a nightmare.
You know what I mean though, of course he's still a nob and I am still not doing his washing or ironing.
But I really needed him last night and he was there which is also what marriage is about
Mosschops0 (sorry number three on keyboard is on strike!), I understand that you mean about him being there when you needed him to be. So yes, in that respect he was a knight in shining armour. Hopefully you can do absolutely nothing today other than get better and then sort out the other stuff when you are up to it.
Hope you are better soon. Don't worry about being mortified at what happened - it could have happened to anyone.
Well it's good he is there for you and I hope you feel better soon
However, stress and upset dont help wars off illnesses
He has cleaned the bathroom, and has taken boys out so I am hoping to get some sleep now
he was there which is also what marriage is about
Well, yes. But I have a number of friends who would also have 'rescued' me in that situation. To NOT have come and picked you up would have been an incredibly shitty (sorry ) thing to do, doesn't mean he's a knight in shining armour because he did what normal human decency required.
Can I offer some advice about sulking? I say this as an ex-sulker, and not remotely proud of it. Sulking is horrible and manipulative, as people have said, but for some it is learned behaviour from childhood which occasionally lingers on much longer than it should in an otherwise decent person (which you indicate your DH is). It is a twisted weapon of the ultimately powerless, the person who can't step down because they've learnt that losing face is the worst thing of all. It's a disability, but one you can overcome with some self-realisation and self-understanding.
He gets the croissants, decorates the room - he's sorry on a deeper level, he hates how things are, but at the same time he simmers and has feelings of guilt/disappointment (in himself) and resentment (that he was a nob and you highlighted his nobbery), and the whole mess of emotions has nowhere to go so it turns inwards and he sulks, at the same time as passive-aggressively doing good stuff that he knows you'd apperciate. Horrible.
You sound the opposite - a conciliatory person who moves on quickly from rows and looks for solutions, but in some ways unwittingly enables his sulking. The phone calls and texts - fuel to him, he is getting a response, he is being successful in showing his unhappiness and has had a reinforcement that you are concerned about his feelings. He's stuck in such a childlike place.
The disaster last night has allowed him to lift himself out of his sulk, and he's probably as relieved as you are.
Never feed the sulking - don't give the attention the sulker wants, because you reinforce it. Meta-cognate the whole thing - simply step outside it emotionally, say something like, Oh, you're sulking again, what a bore. Tell me when you've finished and we can get on with stuff.
Then cheerfully ignore - remain lovely to the DC, do anything you would have done yourself anyway but without involving him. Don't call or text. If you need to speak to him about something, try saying, hey, when you're back with us, the car tax needs paying - I'll leave it on the table here...
Really, he does need counselling or therapy to support him to change, but he has to see that what he is being is intolerable. Many people would have left by now, but you can see something worth conserving, so good luck because it's a tough one as you know.
Although I was never as aggressive as he is about the whole thing, I could get stuck for ages is a stroppy, silent place feeling sick with the turmoil in my head. I am a good person who deals with emotions well now, but it took a lot of work to get here.
Hesterton, your description of sulking is such an eye opener. Thank you for that! It all makes sense - I used to sulk a lot as a child, too. Makes me wonder if I still do it now??
Oh no, poor you. I agree with Hesterton though, he sounds like a sulker (I have one of those) and is probably relieved to have found a way out. Hesterton - how did you break the sulking cycle?
Great post hesterton lots of interesting points there.
Would love to know how you got out of that cycle
My Dad sulked throughout my childhood. It was awful. My Mum became brilliant at dealing with it. She's say "Ignore your Father - he's sulking." She'd laugh it off, turn his sulk into a way of belittling him.
He stopped at some point during my teens and hasn't sulked since. I guess he'd had enough of his wife and children looking down on him.
I really respect my Mum for taking back the power.
That is a great description of sulking, but it is a personality trait and not a 'disability'..
<gets off soapbox>
I became single after 20 years of marriage (neither of us perfect by a long way but my sulking contributed to his understandable feelings of frustration. His serial infidelities didn't help either...).
My children had grown up (I didn't sulk with them anyway) and I was on my own. Hey presto, no sulking - it was great, I was so happy. If I got near a relationship, I found myself reverting to the same head-turmoil, passive aggressive stuff - I think that's when it really sunk in how much of an issue my way of dealing with disappointment/ disappointing others (much more powerful) or imagining I was useless, always getting it 'wrong'... I had some counselling and mainly self-healed.
I have been in a relationship for 4 years now after a long break and I simply don't sulk. I get a bit cross sometimes when we disagree, and I still occasionally need time out to straighten my head and give myself a talking to (which I explain to him is about my difficulties so he knows to leave me alone and not take it personally) but we talk stuff through, I recover very quickly and apologise if I'm in the wrong and I feel very grown up. I can laugh at myself now too which is an amazing thing to be able to do from my starting point!
I'm really lucky with him, he is a really decent man and we rarely really fall out.
I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to get here.
Fanjo, you're right, apologies - I was trying to describe how it felt rather than what it was.
Yama, your mum sounds awesome!
Hesterton, yes, I think you were saying it hampers you in life? It's OK
Absolutely, Fanjo, thanks.
Mosschops, I hope you feel better soon.
The issue tho Moss is that I remember a thread where he got his arse in his hands about you having ordered something like shampoo / deodorant on the shopping list so there was this really minimal 'extra' on the shopping tab that he paid for. He was pretty awful about it too. I am concerned that his behaviour has been borderline abusive for years both emotionally and financially.
I hope you are feeling better, mosschops.
I think that you are giving your husband too much credit for last night. He is your husband - what he did, he is supposed to do. You don't have to think highly of him because he fulfilled the basic function of being a spouse (taking care of you when you were sick). It's kind of in the contract.
He has still behaved like a total git, generally takes you for granted and has encouraged your child to behave with a complete lack of respect towards you. That I would find very hard to forgive.
Don't let all this be swept away just because he behaved the way he is supposed to behave, when you were ill - this other stuff still needs to be dealt with.
Ok, now we are speaking again i have attempted to divvy up jobs.
Dh said he does outside and i do inside
i said ok lets swap
He said ok but im not ironing and washing doesnt get separated
i said forget it.
I said you used to tidy up after i cooked dinner
He said yes but now i do bathtime and put kids to bed (fair point)
But still means i do cooking and clearing up
I said you shoukd do the food shop
He sais when i do the food shop you moan that i buy the wrong stuff (true)
Now he said he doesnt want to talk about it because its winding him up.
Any suggestions of where i go from here? Because whatever i say has some backlash
He is shooting down every suggestion that you make. Why the fuck can't he do ironing?
I suggest that you do your ironing and he does his. If he's going to be obstructive, then separate washing too.
Alternate the bathtime/bedtime and cooking/washing up.
Compile a list for shopping or you shop and he puts it all away.
Share the outside jobs - I bet there are far fewer of those than inside jobs.
Remember it is not up to him to decide he's had enough of talking about this - there are two of you in this relationship.
Lists and rotas are your way forward. Fuck whether he wants to discuss it or not!
i have already stopped doing his washing and ironing (not sure if hes noticed yet).
Its very frustrating when he doesnt talk about things.
As usual i got the 'we had this discussion when you took this job/course that it shouldnt have any impact on the family'
I this means = doesnt impact on me being A FUCKING LAZY BASTARD!!!
Your job is as important as his. I bet his job impacts on the family. The house and children are not solely your responsibility, with your job to be slotted in somehow. They are his children and house too and therefore as much his to look after as yours.
I do outside and you do inside
Unless you have a large and complicated garden to maintain to show standard, outside means a few hours a month MAX. Bloody hell.
hang on in there mosschops, you are doing brilliantly. Keep it up.
we had this discussion when you took this job/course that it shouldnt have any impact on the family
I think what he meant to say was that your job/course shouldn't have had any impact on HIM actually having to start pulling his weight.
numberlock i think you are right.
His job starts early so i do school drop offs and arrange pick ups from after school clubs. Although im sure if i used this argument, the answer woukd be 'well id love to drop the kids off, maybe you should go to work at 6am'
<sigh> bangs head on wall
I wouldn't be able to put up with a miserable, lazy, childish person who disliked me and showed so little respect for me.
Best of luck.
So what do i do.
Are you all seriously saying i should leave my marriage, with 3 children, because hes lazy and sulky and doesnt show me much respect?
Or am i totally insane thinking that most peoples lives are like a film where the man is wonderful and everyone is blissfully happy.
I mean i often work with women who have been raped, beaten, tortured etc. are in fear of their lives - my problems seem mild in comparison.
You do what you feel best.
But yeah, I'd leave. No, no one is perfect and no one's marriage is a like a film. But someone who thinks his prick entitles him treat his spouse like a skivvy, who shows no respect for her career, who manipulates by sulking, who is passive aggressive and unwilling to pull his fair weight in life is a dealbreaker for me.
Why would you want to stay married to a man who is lazy and sulky and doesn't show you much respect and has told you he doesn't even like you?
Your kids are growing up thinking that this is how men treat women, and you accepting the situation is teaching them that it's okay for men to treat women this way.
Yes I would leave.
I actually did once leave a selfish manipulative self entitled man like your husband yourself and don't regret it for a minute. He didn't regret it or learn from it though, he just found another
dogsbody woman quicksmart and married her so she couldn't leave as easily as I did.
myself - not yourself.
I really should preview.
Are you all seriously saying i should leave my marriage, with 3 children, because hes lazy and sulky and doesnt show me much respect
In a word - yes. Being shown respect is pretty much at the top of my list of 'must-haves' from a partner. As is pulling his weight and not sulking/acting like a 4th child.
Oh and not undermining my career. And not calling me psychotic or saying he doesn't like me.
But you seem to have some screwed-up notion that it's OK because he's not raping you. And it concerns me that's the second time you've used that argument to defend him.
I think you should decide what you are prepared to do and just do that. You will have to live with some consequences for a while (e.g. him moaning his washing isn't done etc). He is not willing to have a sensible discussion about divvying up the jobs so you make a fair allocation.
One tip I have, is that my DH often doesn't want to do a job when I would like it done. So now I say I've done the packed lunches and I've left the washing up for you. As long as the washing up is done by the next morning I have learnt to ignore it and let DH choose when he does it.
hesterton - good post. DH is a bit of a sulker too.
I accept actions as an apology. If I have said to DH he isn't being fair and is lumping too much work on me in the evenings (spot the theme) and he starts doing more of a fair share, I accept that as an acknowledgement from him that he was wrong.
I dont know number, i have been in a very abusive relationship a long time ago.
Now he really undermined me, robbed me of any self esteem, witheld money, beat me, raped me, made me detached from family and friends, was threatening and violent.
Me and dh have been married just over 10 years, we've had our ups and downs but he does have good points too.
chazs i am a very much 'i want this done now' person and dh hates that
I find it hard to switch off if there is work to be done which is why I now compartmentalise the jobs into my responsibility / his responsibility. Once my jobs are done I sit down because I have finished my work. Its up to him when he does his work. This has taken a lot of effort on my part, much tongue biting and sitting on hands. DH does do the jobs but often he will wash up just before bed etc.
If you decided to leave then as far as I can see is the only impact it would have on you is less work.
How old is youngest because as far as I can see neither your 16 or 7 year old need much supervision at bath and bedtime.
So he saying because he does the out I.e. cut the grass/wash the car one a month and bath/bedtime of 1 maybe 2 children that the same as all of what you do.
You need to include the three children in your list of jobs too.
You cook, the two oldest wash, dry and put away. The youngest can probably help with that too, but you know what he's like and whether that's a disaster waiting to happen!
Meanwhile, dh tidies the sitting room, or does bath time.
Your two oldest can do their own washing too, and dd can certainly iron, I'd imagine ds1 can too, so everyone does their own except ds2. You do his.
Dh does the bins and outside stuff (what does that consist of btw?). I imagine it's not too onerous, but might be equivalent to you doing the shop. You can both assign a child or children to help.
Dh hoovers, you clean bathroom, or the other way round.
Does that seem reasonable? It's quite hard without knowing the absolute ins and outs of your whole life - what time people get in, leave, mealtimes etc. I hope it gives you some sort of starting point.
If he's not prepared to give it a real try, then I'd talk about couple counselling.
I agree that you need to include the kids.
The oldest 2 take it in turns to load/unload the dishwasher, the younger ones do the "10 minutes!!!!" It means that we spend 10 minutes have a whizz round tidying up and whatever is out is put away, no matter who it belongs to (worked that one out after months of "But I didnt get this out!")
They also take their own clean washing up and put it away and strip their beds on linen washing day.
These jobs dont take much time for one person to do, but makes a huge difference for the person that does most of the housework, so me!
But be careful not to make the kids do the stuff that he should be doing. It's not up to them to cover his shortcomings.
Ok here goes:
Clean own room and hoover weekly
Make bed daily
Put washing in basket or on piles
Take own washing up and iron if needed
Clear up after dinner with ds1
Make bed in morning
Open curtains and blinds in morning
Put dirty washing in basket
Make breakfast for himself and ds2
Help dd tidy up after dinner
Tidy away any toys before bed
Ds2: (speech and language delay so difficult at the moment)
Bring clothes in to get dressed
Tidy away toys before bed
Put dirty washing in basket
Will take dcs to school/childminder daily
Will do all washing for myself and dcs that is in basket
Cook tea when i am home first
Alternate bath and bed times with dh
Will food shop but not put away
Will iron my own clothes and any school uniforms
Will clean upstairs or downstairs weekly
Will equally share extra curricular stuff
Empty bins as required
Do own washing and ironing
Cook tea when home first
Alternate bath and bed time with me
Put away food shopping
Will clean upstairs or downstairs weekly
Will equally share extra curricular stuff
Empty bins as required
How does that sound? Have i missed anything?
Sounds fine to me. You can always refine the list as you come across new things or if something doesn't work particularly well.
will your dh deliberately come home later than you, so he doesn't have to cook?
You might want a weekly food menu, so he knows what you want made for dinner.
The cooking dinner is a bugbear in this house. When he's working (and I am working from home) I do everything and do dinner, bedtime etc as he is rarely back in time. When he is off and I am working in my office or in meetings I do everything, prep dinner and have to make a point of asking him to cook it. He will do it but it bloody bugs me that I have to ask. And all he does is look after the baby, he doesnt do washing or tidying etc unless i ask him to.
Its not that he wont do it, he will, but I feel that he shouldnt have to be asked. I dont do his washing or ironing anyway, so that isnt a bug bear at least!
Oh and this is a weekly thing, so it isnt like I spring it on him! He knows that 2 days a week I am in the office and he will have to do dinner unless I finish early, hardly a surprise!
Me and Dh now sick
Dd had mild hysterics over having to prepare corned beef hash saying it hurt her hands
Then had another tantrum when I told her to take her own clothes upstairs - 'I have honework'! Yeah me too.
However I know she will spend 3 hours on twitter and Facebook and half an hour doing homework.
Tis not a happy household.
Have just been offered a job 300 miles away for the 2nd time in 2 weeks! Can't say I'm not tempted to just bugger off and leave them all to it
Out of interest, OP, what do you actually get out of this marriage? What does he do for you?
I love him
He does manly stuff
Helps with the dcs
Supports me when I'm ill
Great in bed
We have a fun group of friends
He pays for lots of stuff
I don't think this is completely unfixable, but you are going to have to seriously change your behaviour and expectations and demand far higher standards from him, if you want to be happy, long term.
Carry on as you have been and someone with selfish, lazy tendencies will continue to take the piss. They are, by nature, too selfish and lazy to alter by themselves, in order to make you happy. They have to be forced into it.
If you think he has enough redeeming qualities to make it worth the bother, then best of luck. But you will have to be insistent and he will resist change because he quite likes how things are already.
He should make his own lunch, too, if he isn't already.
Ooh noooo expat I never do lunch. Much to his disgust as 'all the other blokes have great lunch boxes'
'Ooh noooo expat I never do lunch. Much to his disgust as 'all the other blokes have great lunch boxes' '
FFS! Who used to wipe his arse before you came along?
I would have just smashed the xbox over his big baby head
You're not really selling him! And your list isn't hugely convincing either.
The dynamic in your relationship seems to have gone off kilter. Once you are both well you need to right it or you are going to struggle with all of your commitments
Hope you are feeling better. Maybe him getting sick was karma!
Moss it is the lack of respect that would be the deal breaker for me - how can you bear to let him speak to you like that? You said up thread somewhere that you have good self-esteem, but I would really disagree if you are prepared to be treated in this way.
Why should you wait on him just because you are a woman?
I could not stay in a marriage like yours, a little piece of me would die every day.
Moss - what is missing from your list? Does he love you? Where does that fit in alongside him calling you a psycho?
"all the other blokes have great lunchboxes"
If I were you, I'd be checking out those other <ahem> lunchboxes.
Looks like a good list; this will help your children to be independent people when they grow up too, so that they don't have to rely on someone else to cook, clean and wash for them.
Can you present this list, as a fait accompli - this is how things will be done, that you expect cooperating from every single one of them, as you not only can't do it all, but you won't.
You know, you could take that job and just come home at weekends.....
Christ alive ignore all the yo!yo! sista burn dat box throw it or him to kerb
really this about setting boundaries,clear consistent parenting,communication
he needs go back you up and not be so disrespectful
By all means give it your best shot. My concern is that he is a dyed in the wool misogynist at heart and does not really want to change.
drag the detritus of your marriage across mn
someone will say leave 'im.it's inevitable
you don't need mn intervention you two need a serious real life heart to heart
jux dont joke, it would be my dream to take it.
Do real wives bugger off all week and just return at weekends for the same wage theyd get at home?
if you'd rather be somewhere else it's symptomatic of malaise
in which case you have bigger problems than him being a caveman
what are you going to do?what gives?post on mn every time he pisses you off
The danger in working away is that if you did split, he would be seen as primary caregiver and not only could you lose custody of your dc, you could end up giving this lazy fucker maintenance. So, if you do take this job, make sure you take your kids with you!
Sorry, still don't see what you get out of your marriage.
Love? Respect? Real support? Shared goals? Shared values?
you need some time to figure this out
online strangers can't tell you state of your marriage
but you already know answer.so what you going to do about it?that's the rub
karma i know its not doo-able.
I woudnt really want to be away from any of them for any length of time (i would at the moment but only if i was holed up in some swanky hotel being waited on )
Actally just remembered i am away this coming weekend in big swanky hotel wirh my bff . Dh is being left with the dcs
Am writing up my lists tonight to stick up in the kitchen
Oh, good luck with it, mosschops.
As it happens I do know a couple of women who do work away, but their children are teenagers and their dhs are not like yours seems to be. You do have to take into account how strong your marriage is and whether it can bear the separation well, and how old the children are.
Oh, forgot - both sets of children are at boarding school - makes a massive difference.
Well another row today
He said from now on he's going to do nothing (I sniggered), apparently I'd be amazed at all he does that goes unnoticed and will be sorry when he's doing nothing!
He's now taken to saying 'is it on the list'!
I said I'm taking your card for the shopping - is it on the list.
I said will you make gravy tonight - is it on the list
I'd say to him
You know what, hats a great idea. You do nothing for a week and we will see what state we are in.
Then next week I will do nothing and we will see how we end up.
He's a bullying arsehole, isn't he? Do you still love him when he treats you like this, like a second-class citizen?
mosschops - he has no right to treat you like this. Would he dare be like that with his boss? No, I didnt think so and I guess you are more important to him than his boss and he loves you more than his boss. Think about it.
Gosh he is behaving like a spoilt brat isn't he. Don't rise to it and don't step in and cover for him. See how he reacts when he can't find any clean pants and his work clothes are in an unwashed crumpled heap.
I know that no matter how hard it gets he will not say 'sorry I was wrong'. I think he'd rather die than say that.
No I don't like him much right now, I even said today look if you're not going to give this a go and share some responsibility then what's the point, he replied 'you know where the door is'.
Which is a favourite line of his.
Hmm shall I walk out on my own house that I've paid into, and leave my children in the process - er no thanks YOU KNOW WHERE THE FUCKING DOOR IS
He's being a proper twat. Sorry mosschops
All I can say is don't give in for a quiet life - I think it might be make or break time now. He either meets you halfway and tries to make this relationship work, or he doesn't and it will be very clear where the future lies.
You deserve so much more.
Do not accept him being a fucking prick for another day. Please.
Your response in capitals is the message you should convey to him. This is not up for negotiation, he isn't getting a free ride anymore at your expense. If he doesn't like it he can push off. All you are asking for is a fair divvying up of the chores, he has got very comfortable not pulling his weight and is trying to frustrate the changes because he is the one that currently has the cushy number not you. Do not waiver and do not step in and take over. If necessary work around his idiotic behaviour e.g. if he won't clear up after a meal next time wash up just what you need for you and the children. If he asks where his food is say there wasn't a clean plate for you as you haven't cleared up, if you clear stuff up I will happily dish you up some food on the plate you have washed, then ignore any footstamping.
Just got home, he has emptied both bins and the dishwasher things are looking up
Result - don't waiver and don't make a big deal about him doing it. He is not doing you a favour he is doing his fair share.
Have you asked him directly 'so do you think that you do a fair share of the household duties then?' or 'do you think that I do less than you do?' because I have found that a question like that usually gets a response of 'well I do know that you do more' which is a good way to lead into 'then can you see why I am so pissed off about it then?'.
He's just being a male, he can't be anything else. Mind you, my sister went back to work when her 2 boys were 7&9, her dh took redundancy and became a stay at home dad, while my sister went back to work full-time. He did everything, including the alterations on the house and playing football with the ds in school hols, which my sister did not/could not do. She was well chuffed until she retired, and complained he did not touch the hoover afterwards and expected her to do it. And rightly so, I thought !!!!
Well done for getting round him, though, my sister did nothing
He's just being a male, he can't be anything else
This is the kind of bullshit that allows men like the OP's husband to justify their awful behaviour to themselves and everyone else.
"He's just being a male, he can't be anything else"
agreed, this is wrong. It's the same thing as 'I don't see mess' or 'you need to tell me what needs doing'
Bollox that allows people to get away with doing the minimum and leave it up to other people.
Possession of testicles =/= an inability to hoover
Possession of vagina =/= enhanced ironing ability
digerd - why exactly should your sister have being doing the hoovering once she retired?
When your sister retired Digred they should have done 50/50, up until that point they had both been doing their set jobs, why should either of them get to sit around why the other one does all the work?
Ok, different perspective and I expect to be shot down in flames for it but here goes. If my OH started telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing round the house and expecting me to do jobs at their say so, within their timeframe, I'd totally go on strike. You may want the bin taking out tonight but I'm actually not that arsed if the bin goes out tonight, I'd much rather fanny about on the Internet thanks. Have a massive tantrum if you like and play hardball but that bin isn't going anywhere. It's just different perspectives/priorities. Disclaimer - all the other stuff about undermining you, telling you he doesn't like you and you know where the door is, well fuck that for a game of soldiers. He could kiss my big fat flabby arse for shit like that.
I took dd to work, he did all the clearing up, washed up, loaded dishwasher and put it on, tidied. I got home and bathed the boys.
Happy household for now
Excellent. Well done, mosschops!
Perhaps he realised that if he didn't do anything for a week as he threatened, there really wouldn't be much difference!
Don't ease up. He has treated you with so little respect so don't accept a few nights of crumbs and then cave. He needs to grow up, and take responsibility for the environment in which he lives, just like any other grown up..
Sounds like he's conceded defeat without having to actually say he was in the wrong and apologising!
Just made me a cup of tea at this rate he might even get sex
Domt get too excited. Sorry to bring you down but the acid test is comparing today with the same date next month.
If he is still pullling his weight then its a win and I hope he is.
Yes lets see what he is like in a week, then in a month.
I really hope he continues to do his fair share.
You shouldn't be so excited, it should be a daily thing you don't even notice.
What did you do about the Xbox? [nosy]
I'm cynical. I think he knows he's pushed you too far lately, so is on his best behaviour. Not convinced it'll last, but would be nice to be proved wrong.
Also wonder if you feel guilty for criticising him online (or were surprised at the reactions from others on here), so you're now trying to describe him in a better light to make him sound better. Again, would be nice to be proved wrong
Good luck whatever you do
You shouldn't be so excited, it should be a daily thing you don't even notice.
These are normal things in a healthy, loving relationship.
Your dh is an arse and worse, he's teaching your son to follow suit.
And he blocked you in your attempt to turn off the tv? What next, a push/shove/thump?
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.....
Do you think this 'good behaviour' will last? And don't you think it's ridiculous that all these things aren't a matter of course?
So he can be a 'good boy' for a bit and he gets his 'reward'?
It's your marriage, OP, but how much are you complicit in this attitude?
I hope you were joking about him getting sex because he has done a few chores and made you a cup of tea.
Read this thread again and remind yourself of the vile things he has said to you.
Still want to shag him now?
If you think i would accept a thump then you really do think i am dull. Been there done that!
Youre very bra-burney today.
And of course i was joking about the sex
I went out with someone who always refused to say sorry or admit he was wrong, he couldn't do physically do it! Drove me mad so I feel for you.
I'm glad he's started to help out more, he just needs to adjust his attitude a bit to match!
Pulling your fair weight in life is not 'helping out'.
your lazy arse man isn't suddenly great for doing what he should do
don't be disproportionately grateful for him doing his bit
is this 1st mn post about him?or have you posted about him before
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