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AIBU...partner does nothing :-(

(66 Posts)
surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 13:08:36

I have 3DC, 2 dogs and I'm 6.5 months pregnant and I do everything. My DP and I have been together about 4 years and he desperatly wanted us to have our own child so after lots of perswastion I agreed. He goes to work Mon to fri, leaves the house around 7:30am and he's back around 6:30pm and it ends there, he spends rest of evening on facebook, twitter & the internet while watching tv. i go to bed early as im exhausted which he complains about but comes to bed at the same time with his tablet and puts the tv on, if i wake around 11/12 hes still on tablet watchin tv! I keep the house clean and tidy, do all washing and ironing, sort rubbish and recycling out, sort kids out (baths, homework, playing etc), packed lunches for DC and DP, walk 2DC to school and pick them up....rain or shine, walk the dogs with us then a little walk at lunch. We have our shopping delivered but if I need a few bits I have to walk into town or get a friend to take me. I have his fresh cooked tea ready for him every night as I wouldn't want reheated food. DC have swimming lessons on a Saturday at 9:30 but rather than let me lay in we all go! He does help me make the roast on Sunday but we're only on our 3rd one and he never helped before so I'm wondering how long he will keep it up!! He also does make his own beer and he's just started making bread :-) but he won't let the DC help so its all rather stressful and easier if I remove the children and dogs from the house :-(
AIBU to expect him to keep on top of garden, clean my car and maybe just take the kids out on a weekend to give me 5 mins peace? I'd also like him to tidy up after himself, he leaves his cups etc on coffee table, washing on floor, papers.......just general stuff everywhere, if he opens his mail he leaves it all on the table and its still there the next day. If he pulls a book off the book shelf he never puts it back, he's the same with computer games.....never puts them back but if the DCs do any of these things he tells them off......
Don't get me wrong before I was pregnant I was happy to do all the mans jobs but I physically can't do them now :-(
I do love him to pieces but its driving me mental or am I just being silly and pregnancy is making me this way?!

geegee888 Thu 04-Oct-12 13:11:59

Man's jobs?

bubalou Thu 04-Oct-12 13:14:54

Wow - that is a lot going on.

Sit down and have a conversation with him on 'plans for the next few months'.

Do not start the sentence with 'you are not helping enough' - tempting as it is men are idiots most of the time who cant take criticism and it will just lead to an argument.

He does work long days but say you'd like to get some of the bigger jobs done before winter and baby get here - garden etc.

Maybe he could put making bread and beer on hold as there is so much to do. Try to explain that you are really trying to do it all but that as you are getting further along you are feeling more tired, more stressed and more pressure to keep juggling everything.

smile

Firawla Thu 04-Oct-12 13:17:39

no you're not being silly, and pregnant or not he should be making a bit more effort. my dh is similar in that he won't put anything back after he uses it, tidy after himself or anything, never washes up, wont even take the bins out or anything else in the house but he does atleast go to the supermarket and sometimes take kids out.

just keep telling him and eventually the message should get through. you will have more on your plate with a newborn too so he needs to improve a bit. have you said anything to him and what did he say?

PurplePidjin Thu 04-Oct-12 13:19:09

You're not being lazy or hormonal, you're married to a self-centred twat.

If talking to him has had no effect, simply stop doing anything for him - no packed lunch, no dinner on the table, no clean clothes. If he leaves a mess, tidy it - to his seat on the sofa or his side of the bed.

When he says "what's this" you reply "your share of the household responsibilities" in a calm, matter of fact, emotionless tone of voice. When he says "i earn all the money" you answer "I'll send you my invoice then" and bill him for 4 years worth of cleaning, cooking and childcare at £8 per hour, 16 hours per day - if nothing else, he owes you 112 days annual leave...

MsVestibule Thu 04-Oct-12 13:25:22

Have you asked him to take the kids out or do the garden? What was his response? Does he know you're struggling? Of course as a SAHM with school age children, you'll do the majority if the housework, but that certainly doesn't excuse him from doing his fair share of childcare at the weekends, or tidying up after himself.

How do you both think things will pan out after the baby's born?

MumsGoToReykjavik Thu 04-Oct-12 13:33:34

Argh, i'm sorry but this, men-are-helpless-little-idiots-who-need-guidance-and-just-don't see housework/childcare, attitude is utter CRAP.

Having a penis doesn't mean you are less able to perform domestic chores or do your fair share of looking after your children. The only thing that I know of that prevents this is being a useless lazy entitled twat.

bubby64 Thu 04-Oct-12 13:42:35

My DH was a bit like this (only it was xbox, not computer) and I also did everything plus had a part time job, until, unfortunatly, I had an accident, and ended up in hospital for 3 weeks and in a wheekchair for several months. He was suddenly left with everything I had always done, and it was a real eye-opener for him! I am not saying it need anything as drastic as that, but certainly stop making life quite so comfortable for him, if he starts to be inconvenienced and find that, unless he does some things, he will starve, have no clean clothes and cant concentrate because the children and dogs are desperate for attention, he might start to help you more!

Scholes34 Thu 04-Oct-12 13:42:55

I think you've dug yourself into a bit of a hole. Hopefully, the arrival of a new baby will start to make him get his finger out, or at the very least lower any expectations of what you'll do. Start with letting him re-heat food at tea-time . . .

I agree with purplepidjin

bubalou Thu 04-Oct-12 13:48:32

I like the re-heating food idea Sholes.

I wouldn't take any drastic action and stop doing everything - then he can accuse you of being lazy.

But just do what you need to - as someone up-thread suggested - when he leaves out a DVD - put it in a pile, when he leaves a cup / washing etc - put it in his rom / on his pile. Put it all in a washing basket even and put a bit of per on it with his name on it.

If he gets funny or ask what it is simply tell him that you are prepared to look after the house, cook, clean and do everything with children butt you have another one on the way and u will not be cleaning up after him as you are not his mother and already have 3 children - what u need is a husband who is going to pull his weight and not make things harder for you!

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 13:50:33

Sorry I say 'mans jobs' as that's what my Dad calls them!
I've tried talking to him, when we moved in together he promised if I got a job he would help round the house and take the kids out at the weekends so I got myself a job doing nights, one week I would do two nights and the next I would do three but he helped with nothing. I wasn't getting enough sleep and it was making me ill.......I kept getting migraines and nose bleeds, we were talking about having a baby and we were on the verge of moving house so I ended my job and decided I would give him a child as I felt it was the least I could do as he'd taken on my three children as their father lives abroad and they only see him twice a year.
I've spoken to him several times now asking him to help more around the house, he says he works long hours and is tired when he comes home. Every weekend since I've been expecting I've asking him to help me do the garden but he says its his weekend off and it's the only time he gets a rest! Last weekend I decided to do it myself and I got my DC to help, I did all the strimming then asked him if he would just come and pull the cord on the mower and I would do the rest, he said he would after football so we waited then after a few beers he was nice and merry, came out and did some of the front lawn and he broke the cable........so now I'm going to have to get my dad to come and fix the cable and mow the rest and the back garden! He made no effort to try and fix it or borrow one!
I'm happy or do everything as he pays for a lot of things but while I'm so tired and restricted it would just be nice if he helped a little.
I've done the thing where I stopped doing his washing and it all gathered by his side of the bed but then my daughter did it as she said it wasn't fair on me and it looked a mess! I've asked him to just clean up after himself but he doesn't do it! I'm always telling him its unfair and he's lazy but I swear he thinks I'm joking! His mates laugh at him and tell him he's lazy, so do his family......a couple of people have told him he's so lucky having me and now I'm expecting he should pull his finger out yet nothing!
He's not going to know what's hit him when this baby arrives............he has again promised he will help towards the end of my pregnancy and once the baby arrives but I'm not holding my breath :-(
I'm tired and drained, I've just had enough now!

Did he stop helping around the house after you got pregnant, or did you agree to get pregnant despite having a lazy sod of a partner who does nothing but play with Yeast and Tablets?

x post

I think you just need to kick him out.

He is creating more work. It will be easier for you to have 4 children to look after, without also having to mother him.

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 13:55:11

One of my close friends says he appears to want a mother not a wife, when she said this it really hurt as i do love him and kinda hope he loves me too.......I'm beginning to think she's right :-(

MumsGoToReykjavik Thu 04-Oct-12 13:56:54

If your husband was a single man then who would do his skivvying cooking/cleaning/washing/ironing? Why do you seem to believe that marrying this man meant that you had signed up to become his domestic employee?

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 13:57:48

QuintessentialShadows I'm afraid to say he's always been like this but I really believed he would change once I'd agreed to having his child as he knew how against it I was and he really wanted one.......

PurplePidjin Thu 04-Oct-12 13:58:55

Him doing what he's supposed to do is not dependant on you having a job! Stop with the misconception that looking after a house and children isn't a valuable contribution just because it has no apparent monetary value!

And stop feeling grateful and subservient just because he "took you on". He made his own choice to be involved with you and your family, he should count himself lucky you allowed him to join.

When is it your weekend off?

PorkyandBess Thu 04-Oct-12 13:59:22

Don't be an enabler.

He sounds like a lazy, self centred twat. Just stop running around doing everything.

I would have no interest whatsoever in being a servant.

Flojo1979 Thu 04-Oct-12 14:01:07

At the end of the day they r your kids not his. They aren't his responsibility. But his pregnant DP is!
He should be helping with housework and cooking etc while u bath your kids etc. R u a SAHM? R the kids in school all day or younger?

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 14:02:11

PurplePidjin that made me cry!!! such a nice thing to say......
We get weekends off when the DC go to my parents but I'm finding driving so uncomfortable now they haven't been for ages :-(

Do you own or rent your home? Is it jointly owned/rented? Did you work before you met him? I think you need to start thinking in terms of being single. Not rely on him for anything. Him wanting a child was, I reckon, just to ensure you did not have enough of his lazy ways, and leave him! Now he has got you trapped, he knows you wont make yourself vulnerable and leave, and I suspect you will soon see that he takes care of his child, but might not be so keen to take your children out on things.... sad

cestlavielife Thu 04-Oct-12 14:03:26

what does he want a child for? doesnt sound like he will have time for it or the energy ...is he going to take paternity leave ? does he pay all your bills?

MsVestibule Thu 04-Oct-12 14:07:03

I despair, I really do. How often do I read on MN about lazy men who have a family but think their sole contribution is bringing home the bacon?

Surfing he may well love you but he has no idea what being in a live-in, loving relationship entails. And in the long run, that's what counts.

You are with a lazy and thoughtless man. Your DCs are going to grow up thinking this is the norm. And why on earth did you let your DD do his washing confused? That's hardly going to make him see the error of his ways, is it?

One more thing - he says he's too tired to do housework/gardening/childcare as well as go out to work. Who did all of that stuff for him before you lived in together?

flojo I expect my DH to take some responsibility for my children because they are part of the 'package' he took on when he decided to be with me. I could not live with somebody who saw his step-children as only my responsibility. I think the idea he shouldn't be at all responsible for the children he lives with because they aren't biologically his is quite strange tbh.

IronyFreeAnnie Thu 04-Oct-12 14:12:29

This may or may not be helpful, but I found that getting rid of our coffee table got rid of a lot of junk. Where stuff was previously just dumped for someone (me) to sort out, everyone now seems to sort their own stuff, and mugs and things get walked to the sink rather than left.
I know it's not much help to your deeper problem of having to do anything, but it could be worth a try!

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 14:13:03

Flojo1979 I'm the first to admit they are my children and that's why I don't expect him to do anything with them but I do expect him to clean up after himself and I do feel rightly or wrongly that if he chose to live with us then he should help with the garden, car etc.......and to some extent the children too, if he wants us to be a family to the point where he wants to give my children a brother or a sister then he needs to set an example to them by teaching them how to be a good partner and father, if that means taking my DS to the park to play football then so be it! If it means walking our dogs with my DC then that's how it should be! I would never ask him to do the washing or cleaning but while I'm carrying his child I really think he should help.....I am aware that these feelings might well be my hormones though so please forgive if I'm wrong!,
My dad is my stepdad and he doesn't think twice about helping me or my sister, he fixed my Hoover last week and laughed at me as its not the first time.......I never think I can't ask because he's not my biological dad! He says when he chose my mum he knew she had two children so she came as three not as one :-)
My DC all got to school so I do my housework, baking, walking dogs while they are at school. I've just put the tea in the slow cooker now so I have time for the children when they get home, it is all pretty full on which I love but I'm struggling a little at mo as I'm so tired and my back is killing me!

bubalou Thu 04-Oct-12 14:19:21

I agree with the posts about the mother thing.

If he was / when he was a single man he worked yes??? he didn't just get a job to 'provide for the family' - no!

When he was single who cleaned his house? Did his washing? Cooked his meals?

I argue that he probably did more when he was single.

My dad 'took on' my mum and my 2 siblings when we were young - about 6,5 and 3 months. They also then had a baby together.

Neither us children, my mum or dad have every seen it as 'his sacrifice' and we're not his children. He loves us all and treats us all equally and always has, even 20+ years later.

You are amazing, I'm sure your children are amazing like you! If he wants to be mothered then send him home to live with his mum - if not then tell him to pick up a duster and chip in!

Remember he is lucky to have you - you do not owe him anything and you certainly should not feel grateful to him for being with you.

SushiPaws Thu 04-Oct-12 14:19:41

Sorry, that sounds awful, he acts like one of your kids. You are working your arse off and he is having a lovely time doing the bare minimum.
Try doing a spread sheet of all the jobs you do. Stick it up on the wall somewhere he can see it. Every time you do a job you initial it. Tell him he needs to do his share of the jobs or more as you are heavily pregnant and he needs to act like a man not a child.

If all three children are in school, then you would have time to find a daytime job?

To be honest, spending a day walking the dogs, cooking dinner and keeping the house tidy, seems pretty cushy to me! Not sure what you need him to do, other than simply garden stuff?

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 14:39:23

QuintessentialShadows I think you must have go me wrong, I'm more than happy to work and I'm more than happy to do everything even the gardening, cleaning my car etc but at the moment I'm 6.5 months pregnant so I'm unemployable and I can't pull the cord on my petrol mower as it pulls my tummy and I worry I will harm the baby, I drive an 8 seater car so you can imagine its rather high and while I have a rather large bump in front of my I struggle to wash it and I struggle to get in the middle of all the seats with the Hoover.
I have a wonderful life with three fantastically behaved children and two lovely dogs, we live near the sea so I'm feel very lucky to walk my dogs along the beach each day and we get a wonderful view on our way to and from school but right now I'm struggling to keep everything a float due to me being pregnant and suffering with a bad back.......I wasn't moaning as I know how lucky I am, I just wondered if IWBU wanting my DP to help a little :-)

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 14:48:16

He's always had the same job, before we met he lived closer to work so it was easier for him. His flat wasn't just messy it was filthy, I cleaned it for him several times as he has a cat that was aloud to rule the flat because he was at work all day. He did his washing and he bought work clothes that don't need ironing :-) as for his tea, he cooked to a point but I think he flitted between his mums and Nans, he'd never admit it but that's what they've told me!!
In the beginning, pillow talk as my friend says he was fab! He used to say I needed to be treated as an individual and not just a mummy, I left my ex of 10 years because he wasn't being a proper partner and father, working abroad was more important to him but there was no money.......that used to really upset my DP of now but I'm now beginning to think it was all 'pillow talk' as as soon as he moved in he stopped everything :-(
Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely man with some fantastic qualities its just I find laziness a really unattractive quality and I guess I never realised the extent of it until now as I've never needed him, I was happy to do everything before and I loved every minute of it! If he chose not to come to the park or watch the children swimming or play footy with my DS it didn't matter because I would do it but right now I could do with him playing 'Dad' :-(

You used to clean his own flat when you were going out with him? Three words...rod...own...back.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 15:42:37

He's persuaded you to have a child? No wonder you're pissed off. If he's managed to persuade you to have a child, what else that's small-fry has he got you doing? If he had to persuade you to make some sacrifices, he should be pitching in too.

I would be very surprised if another child improves the scenario...they have a tendency of exacerbating the situation.

I really hope he is lovely and I'm over analysing things. I wish you luck.

YANBU to expect him to pull his weight.

PurplePidjin Thu 04-Oct-12 16:13:39

It's not nice things to say, it's the truth. He's taking you for a mug and you're letting him. I'm a few weeks ahead of you (with my first so a damn sight less on my plate than you), also unemployed and unemployable, and if dp's dinner isn't on the table when he gets in he bloody well sticks his head in the freezer and cooks something! thank you MIL

Your dp is should be just that - darling partner. As in equal. Sharing the load. Taking responsibility for each other's well-being. Doing the little things that make life easier for each other - i make sure there's a box of leftovers for his lunch tomorrow, he puts a load of washing in when the basket's full.

It's called respect.

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 04-Oct-12 16:55:18

I'm a bit shock at your talk of 'giving' him a baby because he's so good to your kids..... To quote Chris Rock, he's SUPPOSED to be good to your kids the low expectation having muthaf*cka!!!!!
So he's donated his sperm and now sits on his arse while you run yourself ragged keeping the house running? Be cheaper and easier to go down the sperm bank.

You are absolutely NOT at all unreasonable to expect him to help a little.
Not at all.

I just despair at the amount of good women, who end up with lazy men.

Maybe lazy men are attracted to hard working "go get it attitude" in women.

surfingbabies Fri 05-Oct-12 11:13:28

Thanks ladies, you made me feel so much better and now I know it's not my hormones I will try and talk to him. I had a migraine yesterday afternoon so I sorted the DC out and went to bed, I rang him at work to tell him I would be in bed but his tea was in the slow cooker and if he wanted me to get up and do his rice then if he could just let me sleep for two hours my migraine normally goes by then. He burst in the bedroom putting the main light on when I've emailed him links to what migraines are and what your sensitive to when you have one! Anyway it was an hour and half later, I said I would come and do his tea once I'd woke properly but could he just check DS had done his homework properly as I left them doing it with my eldest DD, he snapped......huffed and puffed saying he'd been at work all day and he was tired.....I did I have to say bite his head off!! I then did his rice and went back to bed once I'd sorted DC and dogs as I still had a headache so he joined me and put football on while playing on his phone :-(
I have thought about nothing else as I'm so worried he's teaching my children that his behaviour is right so I figure I'm going to see what happens once baby has arrived but I am going to start saying things rather then being silent!!!
Thanks again :-) x

You need to speak up!

I dont see why on earth you got out of bed to make his rice! You were unwell!

In your shoes, I would have told dh to sort his own rice if he needed some, as I was unwell.

katykuns Fri 05-Oct-12 11:19:58

Why on earth are you making him a packed lunch? He is a grown man!

Just don't do any of it. If he leaves his washing on the floor, don't do it. Start playing him at his own game. But while you enable him to be a lazy prat, he will be. He probably isn't even remotely aware there is an issue!

PurplePidjin Fri 05-Oct-12 11:26:53

You need to bite harder! If dp had the bedroom tv on when i had a headache, the lead would go out the window and a firm Fuck Off said. Except he respects me enough not to do that in the first place...

expatinscotland Fri 05-Oct-12 11:32:59

I will never ever, for the life of me understand people who take up with lazy, disrespectful, self-centred, slovenly children in adult bodies and procreate with them.

He can't make rice or feed himself?

WTAF?! And you procreated with this low-rent slattern?

Sorry, but you're being a mug and seemed to have enjoyed it recently.

A child will not change him, it'll just make things worse because he is a child in an adult's body.

surfingbabies Fri 05-Oct-12 11:44:44

Wow expatinscotland, I wouldn't say I'd enjoyed it, I just did all the work as it seemed to be the right thing to do as he goes out to work.....before pregnancy I had lots of energy and love doing, I'm not a sit on my butt kind of person but now I'm pregnant I am actually struggling a little but more to the point where it upsets me that I can't do the stuff I used to as I've never been one to ask for help.......my ex used to work away and I was with him for 10 years so I got used to doing everything for myself and you get certain satisfaction from doing it yourself.......
I just wondered if IWBU wanting a little help now, but I also think now I have slowed down a little I'm beginning to realise the extent on his laziness or rather his lack of respect for me.......I'd never questioned it before as like I said I just did it!!
But more importantly I've just realised to not respect someone is to also not love them because if he loved me in any way he wouldn't treat me like this :-(

PurplePidjin Fri 05-Oct-12 11:54:26

Hooray grin Self-respect here you come, Surfing!

Fwiw, i do the bulk of the housework. The difference is, dp appreciates it and doesn't expect it done - that's what makes me willing to be a "housewife" despite strong feminist principles. Don't now feel bad or regret your previous choices, just recognise that the situation has changed and that's ok smile

surfingbabies Fri 05-Oct-12 12:06:35

PurplePidjin I don't regret it as at the time it didn't bother me but right now when I need him, he's not being a man and that I do regret as I thought I meant more to him! Although I was in a relationship with my ex for 10 years I spent them as a single parent due to him working away and I coped very well so I'm sure it's the same with 4 :-) I don't want it to come to that but I'm not staying with someone who doesn't respect me or my DCs x

expatinscotland Fri 05-Oct-12 12:08:19

'I just wondered if IWBU wanting a little help now, but I also think now I have slowed down a little I'm beginning to realise the extent on his laziness or rather his lack of respect for me.......I'd never questioned it before as like I said I just did it!!
But more importantly I've just realised to not respect someone is to also not love them because if he loved me in any way he wouldn't treat me like this :-('

YY! Keep listening to yourself. And it is not 'helping', it is pulling his weight in life.

His laziness is a sign of lack of respect.

Life is way, way too short to put up with this from someone.

Greavesey Fri 05-Oct-12 12:20:05

YANBU

My DW does most of the housework. But I have my jobs and any additional I do on request.

I dont ask or demand that she does the work. The problem is that she is a lot less tolerant of mess than me, e.g. I can go a couple of weeks before I feel that the living room needs dusting, whereas DW feels it should be done once a week.

I think you should tell him, as a starter, that you have cooked all the dinner and that it only fair he washes up.

Also we men dont particulary respond well to being "played at our own game". I remember a few years ago whern DW didnt iron any of my shirts for 2 weeks and left them in a big pile (we had a non-housework related argument and this was my punishment) - I took them to johnsons and put them in wardrobe. She was livid.... (Currently we share the ironing 80/20)

hope this helps

SkaterGrrrrl Fri 05-Oct-12 12:24:58

YANBU. I wish you'd also post this in the feminist chat section. You'd get good advice. I do wonder why people say there is no need for feminism when men are still behaving like its the 1950s! Good luck with the baby. x

BlueSkySinking Fri 05-Oct-12 13:55:31

Put everything he leaves around in one large box - paper work, underwear, mugs, computer games, CD's, books etc ... Call it DH's box and just keep stuffing stuff in it.

Secondly insist that DH gives you some time alone by taking the kids swimming without you. Say it's your only down time and you are utterly exhausted and need him to help more.

Give him charge of the Sunday roast - tell him it's your day off cooking/cleaning the kitchen. He can get the kids to help him. It will be good for everyone and they can put music on and work as a team.

Why shall he have every evening, and two days of the week off?
When is YOUR day off?

Nanny0gg Fri 05-Oct-12 18:02:10

He's not going to know what's hit him when this baby arrives............

I'm really sorry OP, it's you that's not going to know...

He isn't going to change just because there's a newborn there.

If he continues to refuse to help, any chance that at least he'll pay for a cleaner?

MummyPig24 Fri 05-Oct-12 18:05:08

Hmm sounds familiar! My dp gets up in the morning and has a bath, gets his packed lunch that I made and leaves. During this time I feed 2dcs and cat, dress dcs, make packed lunches, put a wash on, clear up the kitchen and make sure everything is ready for school. He works hard and I respect him for that. But I take ds to school, run a toddler group, do the cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, shopping, take care of dd. Plus all the ext4as like going to the bank, making phone calls, baking treats, seeing elderly grandma and ill dad. I like to fit in time to actually talk to and play with dcs too. Plus I need time to wash and dress etc. He comes home and shouts and the kids for misbehaving. Sometimes help baths them, never reads to them. I constantly ask him to put his pants in the wash basket etc but it falls on deaf ears. You're not alone op_

AnOldieButNotSoGoody Fri 05-Oct-12 18:13:01

Tell him you're having Sunday off.

And stick to it.

bubalou Fri 05-Oct-12 19:00:52

Have u spoken to him yet OP? Let us know how it goes. smile

Soditall Fri 05-Oct-12 22:22:05

He knew you had children when he met you and before he asked you to give him a baby,so your children are his responsibility as well!

When I met my now DH I already had children and he treated all of my children as if they were his own and has always pulled his weight.

We've gone onto have a LO together and nothing's changed he treats all our children the same and still pulls his weight.

If I'm ill he'll get the children up for school,give them breakfast,make sure they have everything they need for school,make packed lunches,make sure they're all ready and sort out school drop of and pick up,he'll help with homework,do all the housework,make dinner,do bath times,bed times and story's and he helps with all of that on days off.

That's what a real man and real father does.They help take care of they're family and put them first.

My husband is younger than me as well he's 30 he was 23 when we got together so age has nothing to do with being able to put your family before yourself.

I don't know how the ladies that have husband's that spend ages on FB,Twitter or play computer games rather than spending time with they're families cope.They're supposed to be grown men not teenagers.

I would give him an altumatim,he wants to be part of a family then he needs to start acting like a grown man and step up to the mark.

You know, you do not have to "make it up to him" that you already are a mother of three. You dont have to work hard to ensure that he does not feel that he gets less attention because of your children, and that you do less for him. You dont have to make him packed lunch or cook his tea because he "took on your kids".

It seems to me, he did not. He does not do any thing with them. He just expect to live in a house that is squeeky clean, and get food prepared for him, while he contributes very little.

It seems to me, and forgive me if I am wrong, that you are doing all this so that he shall have no complaints, so I wonder, how are your kids in all this?

It all seems very unbalanced.

It is like he got together with you, and you are "hiding" the effect of life with kids for him. What is your "family life" like?

Are you hoping that by adding his baby to the mix, he will suddenly bond with all 4?

Flojo1979 Fri 05-Oct-12 23:08:43

I'm sorry but being at home all day while your DCs r at school is not the same as working long hrs 5 days a wk.
I have done both and being home with no kids is so much easier than having to do as I'm told at work and not get a cuppa when I fancy.
I know u r pregnant but a lot of women work up until the last couple of wks.
It's hard when one of u is motivated to get the house straight and jobs done and the other isn't but I really feel like a lot of people r giving DH a hard time! I'd be pissed off if I worked all wk then got nagged to do stuff when I just want to put my feet up.
U r probably 'nesting' OP and DH is just not very forthcoming cos u have mothered him.
Just leave him to do his own meals etc and see how long it takes him to realise.

inabeautifulplace Sat 06-Oct-12 00:18:25

I leave before 7 and generally get home after 6. The impact this has on my ability to move a cup, drop pants in the laundry or hoover is the square root of fuck all!

Generally I can be a lazy person, but my family are important so I overcome this character defect. For example I have worked 6 of the last 7 days, but my wife will get a lie in until lunchtime tomorrow because she needs a rest and I want time with my DD.

Now, seriously, is the best chance you have of getting through to him, while you still have a bit of energy left. I agree that as you are home during the day it's fair for you to do more. That's only while you feel ok though. The fairest thing is for you to support each other through difficult times. At 6.5 months, those difficult times are yours. Insist on his support. I hope for your sake that he gives it freely.

lostpigeon Sat 06-Oct-12 01:22:26

partner does nothing....apart from 11 hours at work/on way to work a day....very unfair

Tearoses Sat 06-Oct-12 01:42:51

Sorry if I sound harsh but, as others have said, you kind of need to stop enabling this and kick him into touch.

He has responsibilities. He should not be arsing about on Twitter and FB while his pregnant OH does everything for him! What kind of an example do you think you are setting your children?

The power balance sounds all wrong. You shouldn't be having to beg him to pull his weight and you certainly shouldn't be getting up to make food for him when you have a flipping migraine. HE should be cooking for YOU in that situation!

Sorry but I think it's time you stopped asking nicely and gave him some ultimatums.

aMashedUpPhraseWithGravy Sat 06-Oct-12 05:22:58

There is a big difference between doing the bulk of the housework and waiting on someone. Op it sounds like you are waiting on your partner - making him a fresh hot meal, getting up from your sickbed to make him rice, picking up after him. Since this is working so well for him what motivation does he have to change?

aMashedUpPhraseWithGravy Sat 06-Oct-12 05:24:29

Also, it's very generous of you to "give him" a child! Since it will be "his" child, I presume he will be doing all the night waking, nappy changing, dressing, etc?

expatinscotland Sat 06-Oct-12 19:08:03

So working is a get out of life free card? If you work you don't have to do FA in the home or for the care of your children? Yeah, right.

Nanny0gg Sat 06-Oct-12 20:12:29

Flojo1979
So what time does the OP's day end then?
And how do weekends work?
She has 3 DC and dogs, plus an idle DP so her day is hardly spent loafing around.

surfingbabies Wed 10-Oct-12 13:41:26

Well ladies and men! Thanks for all your posts......
I tried talking to him but he was too tired so I left it, I've asked him for help as I'm doing things....he huffs and you can tell he doesn't want to but he does it all the same! If he doesn't change over time and once the baby is born then he will have to go as I don't want 5 DC, I have suggested that he goes back to living in his flat closer to work and we can be a family at weekends when he's less tired but he said that's not an option and not good for any of us so time will tell but at least we still have his flat as an option as I do love him, I just don't like living with him :-)

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