To think this is a heartless bastardish thing to do?

(180 Posts)
sillymoomoo Fri 28-Sep-12 22:18:11

My 'dp' of 3.5 years, doesn't live with us 'yet' have a ds (not together) but supposed to be a family. Ds is poorly and has woken up crying with a temperature and asked where dp is as he's normally here most nights, he's not here tonight so I said shall we ring him.

He won't answer his phone because he said his mates round having a fucking beer. He text me this so I told him ds was sick and wanted to say hello his response 'well he can't'.

I'm absolutely fuming, he's done things like this before but we've been ok for almost a year now and I thought we were past him being a childish little idiot. These guys are in their 30's not kids, his friend has his own son so why the hell wouldn't he speak to ds.

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 28-Sep-12 22:19:54

LTB, tis my advise. What a tosser

Icelollycraving Fri 28-Sep-12 22:21:59

Because he is a twat. Poor ds sad

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Fri 28-Sep-12 22:23:04

He sounds like an arse.

BananaBubbles Fri 28-Sep-12 22:23:31

What an utter arse. You and your ds deserve better.

Scholes34 Fri 28-Sep-12 22:23:43

YABU - DS can cope without speaking to him right now.

He is having his cake and eating it. Nice little family life with you, but when he wants to revert to singledom he has no "responsibility." (In his eyes anyway.)

You and your DS can do much much better.

corlan Fri 28-Sep-12 22:26:08

That's what's known as 'having your cake and eating it too' sillymoomoo.

AgentZigzag Fri 28-Sep-12 22:26:09

Him not wanting to come round is one thing, but to give you and your DS the fuck off like that is a shitty thing to do.

Why would he react like that, instead of texting something like 'awww poor little mite, give him a hug from me and tell him I'll be round XXXX. Let me know how he is won't you?'

Whole world of difference.

StuntGirl Fri 28-Sep-12 22:26:43

Sure he's with a friend?

Either way he sounds like a dick. Is he serious about your relationship?

apostropheuse Fri 28-Sep-12 22:26:50

Why doesn't he live with you yet? Does he say you're a "family" or do you say it, or do both of you?

He doesn't sound too committed to be honest.

Not sure what to say really other than if this isn't a new thing then perhaps he doesn't really want to be a step parent.

It's a bit strange that he wouldn't answer the phone when you rung too. Bizarre behaviour.

Uppermid Fri 28-Sep-12 22:27:44

Well if I were you he wouldn't be my dp right now

BananaBubbles Fri 28-Sep-12 22:28:01

Of course he'd 'survive',but it'd take the OP's dp a mere minute to say a few words to him. Her dp isn't in a meeting after all.He's only having a beer with friends.

Hope your poor boy feels better soon,Moomoo.

crackcrackcrak Fri 28-Sep-12 22:28:18

Sounds like a man child

Newlysingleandstuck Fri 28-Sep-12 22:29:59

He wouldn't be my dp either. If he hasn't fully stepped up by now he won't ever do it ime. Get shot now before you have a mortgage and divorce (and possibly more children) to sort out.

Scholes34 Fri 28-Sep-12 22:31:06

Probably says more about your relationship with dp than anything else.

brass Fri 28-Sep-12 22:32:49

so what are you doing with him?!

AgentZigzag Fri 28-Sep-12 22:37:34

What's happened in the year he's not been like this? Why suddenly start it up again?

Unless you haven't noticed he's been a twat and excused him, or it's just when he's really beered up or when he gets together with this friend?

Why now do you think OP?

Does he not want to talk to your DS after he's had a couple?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Fri 28-Sep-12 22:41:48

Sounds like there's more to this than just the fact that he's at a mates house having a beer. Because that's not awful is it?

sillymoomoo Fri 28-Sep-12 22:43:23

Yes of course ds will survive but what 'parent' would refuse to speak to their child. If I speak about ds as being my child he moans that he's our yet he does things like this and it's not the first time.

We don't live together, well it's a long story, he wouldn't commit, then we argued because he did twatty things like this so we gave it time for things to get better, which they had but now this.

He probably is with his friend yes, they are just that childish.

Basically this is how the conversation has gone.

I told him he was being disrespectful to ds and I by now answering to which he responded why am I saying that 'I'm not black' whatever that means, he told me to get a grip and I'm ruining his chances of seeing him tomorrow.

Tomorrow I guarantee he'll keep ringing saying he's sorry and he was just tired, stressed from work etc, etc. It's what he does.

And yes I know I should ltb, shame as I thought he'd grown up we've been getting on so well this year.

sillymoomoo Fri 28-Sep-12 22:45:38

He does things like this usually for 3 reasons, tiredness, he gets grumpy like a child, stress with work, and being with his mate as for some reason when they get together he turns into a teenage boy (actually that's being unfair to teenage boys), but he probably thinks his mate will think he's under the thumb or something if he coos over ds on the phone.

AgentZigzag Fri 28-Sep-12 22:51:35

Well, even when they are the dad, they can still behave in a shitty way and love the DC. It's good your DS doesn't know anything about how he's been, but it is worrying if that's how he thinks about your DS.

Is it typical of his behaviour or a one off? (over this last year)

If he's not making sense, is he shitfaced and not behaving like he normally would? Not an excuse, but a reason why he's 'not himself'.

apostropheuse Fri 28-Sep-12 22:52:40

Leave the bastard.

Seriously. He's an idiot and you shouldn't allow your son to be subjected to his mood swings.

Your son needs security and stability, which you're not getting with him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 28-Sep-12 22:55:02

You should leave him.

Forget you, think of your child. He doesn't need this unreliable twatbag in his life, he needs love and stability and to know that he can trust the people he has in his life.

PedanticPanda Fri 28-Sep-12 22:59:18

'im not black'

Wtf? confused, this guy sounds like an arsehole op, sorry to say that but he sounds like he is. When he said you're ruining his chances if seeing him tomorrow, what did he mean by that? Is he threatening not to see DS if you text him again?

mysonsasaint Fri 28-Sep-12 23:02:25

sad poor DS.

What does your DP do for a job, btw? Not that I think it will excuse it, just interested to hear what job makes you so stressed you treat your family like shit.

sillymoomoo Fri 28-Sep-12 23:02:47

Perhaps it's just been a coincidence that I haven't tried to ring him while he's been with his mate so this hasn't come up. He's been out less. Can't think of a reason he'd be like this, doubt he's drunk he's working early which is why he's not here.

Maybe he's just bored of us again. To be honest it's always me trying to arrange when we see eachother, sort out days off work so that we can do nice things. One of the big changes he's made this year is finally got rid of his sports car for a family car so that we can actually all go out together.

When he's like this I just feel like calling it a day as it's one step forward two steps back and reminds me of all the heartache I had in those early days. Surely it shouldn't be this hard.

madonnawhore Fri 28-Sep-12 23:04:49

He sounds like a complete prick.

How can you think anything about your situation is okay?

You and your DS deserve so much better.

PedanticPanda Fri 28-Sep-12 23:05:53

I just read DP this thread (he also acts quite immature when he gets with his mates too so I thought he'd give a different view). He says your DP should grow up and stop being an arsehole and an immature little c***, and you should tell him not to bother coming back.

sillymoomoo Fri 28-Sep-12 23:06:03

Sorry I meant he said 'I'm ruining my chances of seeing him tomorrow', basically he knows I'll want to see him tomorrow so using that against me meaning keep moaning and you won't see me.

His job is an electritian, he says the long drives make him tired and stressed and the working weekends. Personally I don't think it's a good excuse, I have stresses as a working mum but I'm sure I don't do this.

mysonsasaint Fri 28-Sep-12 23:06:33

How old is DS? Does he see his father at all?

sillymoomoo Fri 28-Sep-12 23:07:50

6 and no, only ever known 'dp'

shittingit Fri 28-Sep-12 23:16:47

He sounds like a complete tosser, what are you getting from this relationship?, seriously, you have a child that he allegedly treats as his own and then refuses to talk to because he us with his mates, he also makes sure you know your place by threatening to withold contact with you if you continue.

What a loser, dump him, the signs are all there, you and you're son deserve so much better.

edam Fri 28-Sep-12 23:19:29

He sounds like a real charmer. hmm

lovebunny Sat 29-Sep-12 01:40:04

who is he with?
he doesn't give a damn about your son, does he?
and you have to be on your best behaviour or he won't call round? are you joking? presumably he'll call round whenever he wants sex he doesn't have to work or pay for.
do you really want him? could you live happily with your son and not have such an unpleasant character in your lives? i can't promise that if you let this louse go you'll find someone new, or find someone better. but your lives would surely be better without him.

AgentZigzag Sat 29-Sep-12 01:50:00

I couldn't have a long term relationship with someone I felt I had to keep entertained or they'd get bored with me.

Fuck that.

Take me as I am or not at all.

I don't mean not modifying small things to get along, but his expectations seem a little controlling.

Like other posters pointing out about the threats not to come round, is that something he does often? He must think it'll work or he wouldn't us it. Does he like to see you running round after him because it gives his ego a bit of a boost?

Miltonia Sat 29-Sep-12 01:56:27

Did he show this lack of commitment before you had a child together? Did he want to be a father? I ask as he is showing precious little interest in either of you.

He sounds about twelve. I hope you can encourage him to grow up and behave like a father to his son but the signs are not good.

Extrospektiv Sat 29-Sep-12 02:02:31

He's not black?

So, he's a fucking racist heartless bastard who thinks that only black men can be deadbeat dads and him getting pissed with his mates when his son needs daddy on the phone doesn't qualify his privileged white bastardish arse for such a status?

Yanbu, he's about as mature as alfie patten on this evidence, except alfie was really 13 and wasn't really a dad (thank goodness.)

Extrospektiv Sat 29-Sep-12 02:04:19

*sorry for assuming your dp was white above, i don't know that, just tend to assume when people engage in such stereotype-based fuckery they're not from an oppressed racial class.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney Sat 29-Sep-12 02:26:13

miltonia the OP has clearly said the DP isn't the bio dad, but the ds doesn't know bio dad and only knows DP as father figure.

OP no it shouldn't be this hard. Don't let him blackmail/emotionally abuse you with threats of his absence if you don't play ball. Being a "parent" isn't a role you can pick up and put down when you feel like it.

deleted203 Sat 29-Sep-12 03:11:35

I don't think he was being racist with the 'I'm not black' comment. There is no suggestion that only black men are deadbeat dads. He was sneering at the OP for saying he was being 'disrespectful'. He was mocking her choice of words. Basically making out she was trying to talk in 'street slang' and WTF did she think she was?

Extrospektiv Sat 29-Sep-12 03:29:42

Well I don't get the feeling of black ghetto talk from "being disrespectful", a perfectly standard white-middle-class-friendly construction. If it was "are you dissing me?" followed by "I'm not black", I would have interpreted it this way, even then when I've heard this between whites it's generally the second person saying "^you^'re not black" or "are you black?" if they wish to call out someone using "ghetto talk" or putting on a "Jafaican" accent.

In that context, I thought he was playing on the stereotype of blacks as having a child with their "baby mama" then leaving them and repeating that with numerous women as a twisted defence against the truth that he was indeed being disrespectful by denying his obligations to her and especially his son. But I don't know that for sure.

Thumbwitch Sat 29-Sep-12 03:34:26

He sounds like a complete twatbadger and you should NOT call him again. Let him call you and grovel and then kick him into touch, because any "man" who can put his conversation and beer with a mate over the needs of a sick child really isn't worth the effort.

Miltonia Sat 29-Sep-12 03:49:24

Sorry toomuch I misunderstood the "not together" as meaning she and DP weren't together. I did read the thread, but not carefully enough obviously.

differentnameforthis Sat 29-Sep-12 04:01:48

He's an arse because he wants to enjoy some free time with his mates, not talk to your son? I don't see the issue, sorry! If it were his son, that would different. I think I would have told my child that X was busy tonight, but we can talk to him tomorrow.

He is having an night with his mates, can't he just have that without needing to be at your son's beck & call? Do you often call him with petty things like this when he is having time with mates etc? If so, I can why he gets pissed off with it.

You aren't a family, because he doesn't live with you. You need to decide if you want that, or not. He isn't his parent tho is he? In inverted commas or not, he is not related to our child, so I am sorry, but if he doesn't want to say hi to him in the middle of the night, while relaxing with his mates, he doesn't actually have to! Sounds like you turned the whole episode into a row & now he looks like the bad guy. I would have perhaps text to say "X would like to speak to you, if have time please call" But I would certainly not have called him demanding he talk to my child.

As for the other stuff, if your relationship really is as bad as you say, save all of your the trouble & call it quits.

margerykemp Sat 29-Sep-12 08:11:05

He isn't a 'D'P for a start.

This is not a healthy relationship for your DS to be witnessing.

At least he doesn't live with you, you can just break it off by text today and have nothing more to do with him.

Proudnscary Sat 29-Sep-12 08:23:12

I was going to say after your OP that maybe you were hassling him on the phone and using ds's illness as an excuse to keep texting him so he snapped.

But reading the rest of of your posts, I think he sounds just awful. Absolutely horrible. Think of your son! Why would you want an immature, selfish, grumpy, selfish, racist (unless I don't get the black comment? WTF????!!!!) around your precious son?

My dh spoke to 2 year old dd who had banged her head in the middle of a job interview. Dh's interview not dd's. ok it was a very informal first stage coffee and chat get to know you interview, but he answered phone and spoke to her - he did get the job!

In the circumstances he was in I think it's very unfair not to speak to your ds. Stick to your guns- tell him this in unacceptable. Hope your ds feels better!

Catsmamma Sat 29-Sep-12 08:31:43

stop entertaining this manchild, and including him in your lives. Make your own plans and do not include him.....let him dangle, don't answer the phone when he deigns to call. Do not make him the focus of your weekends.

He is treating you as a backup plan, and I suggest you do the same.

Hope your wee one is feeling brighter this morning.

hzgreen Sat 29-Sep-12 08:42:03

He won't take 5 minutes to say hello to DS when he's ill and asking for him??
he still lives elsewhere after 3 years together?
you're ruining your chances of seeing him by having an argument?
you make most of the arrangements to meet up ??

i know it's easy to say this but i'd kiss him off. My DH works part time in an office job, is starting his own business, does most of the housework and puts DS to bed nearly every night and would never refuse to spend 5 minutes soothing him because he was having fun with a mate.

There are better men out there than this loser.

or do what Catsmamma suggests, i like that idea

KenLeeeeeee Sat 29-Sep-12 08:42:54

He sounds utterly awful - wants to play happy families when it suits but then go back to bachelorhood when he gets bored. Threatening you about seeing him tomorrow is emotional blackmail and absolutely not on.

Leave the bastard. You and your son deserve someone wholly and entirely committed to every aspect of family life.

MamaMumrOrangeTheGolden Sat 29-Sep-12 09:00:39

He does sound like he doesn't respect you or you life together as a family. Also the veiled threat about not seeing you today is just horrible. Your DS doesn't need this guy as his role model and you don't need the grief.
I hope your DS is feeling better.

MissPants Sat 29-Sep-12 09:07:16

I'm fairly certain he was being racist, my vile father used to say "do I look fucking black to you" in the context of I'm not your slave. Wanker.

Funnily enough he was also the type that would never have prioritised his family over having a drink with his mates.

OP this one isn't a keeper in my book, I had a miserable time growing up with a father who thought his right to have fun trumped my right to a daddy. My DH would drop anything to talk to one of our DC if they we're ill and 3 of them are not his biological children. He once walked home from a very rare night out when DD3 was poorly, didn't even tell his mates he was leaving! Just upped and left and strode home to his baby. For this I disregarded the fact that he came in, made a big fuss of her and got all soppy and then sat drinking water from a Pyrex dish in his pants before passing out on the floor...

Badgersnatch Sat 29-Sep-12 09:18:46

He wants to have his cake and eat it OP. He doesn't sound committed or like he wants to be a parent. I think you'd be better off without him.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sat 29-Sep-12 09:23:54

Sorry, OP, but he sounds horrible. You and your son can do better than this.

harvestvestibule Sat 29-Sep-12 09:28:28

If he had been with his mates there was no reason for him not to take yous/DSs call, if he was with another woman...............

Sorry I meant he said 'I'm ruining my chances of seeing him tomorrow', basically he knows I'll want to see him tomorrow so using that against me meaning keep moaning and you won't see me.

Who the actual fuck does he think he is??

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 09:32:29

Just to clarify a few things.

When he said 'I'm not black', he was referring to me. I said he was being disrespectful to ds and I by not answering and he was insinuating I was 'talking as though I were black', he hasn't ever said anything like that before.

I wasn't 'pestering' him, he left my house yesterday morning and I hadn't spoke to him all day, the only reason he wasn't here was because he needed to be over his end for work, I could have gone over there but chose not to, I wouldn't have even spoke to him last night except ds being poorly and I though he would have liked to speak to ds too. I don't use my child 'illness' as an excuse for anything. Dp is round so much that when he's not it doesn't even occur to me to text him most of the time he usually just texts good night and that's it really. All I did was call him once, no answer and he text saying 'what do you want x is round having a beer', I called again thinking perhaps his phone was on silent the first time, no answer so I text 'ds woke up crying with a temperature he wondered where you are so I said he could say hi', his response was to say 'well he can't'. I basically said something along the lines of 'what the fuck's up with you', he said 'I'll ring you in an hour, if I must', to which I said 'how dare he be so disrespectful to us', he text that 'disrespect you, you're not black, and if I keep on I'm ruining my chance of seeing him tomorrow'. I told him where to go came on here and went to bed.

differentname what an utterly horrible thing to say, basically because we don't live together and ds isn't 'his' nothing matters? It doesn't quite work like that, he knew me for a long time before we started going out, he knew I had a son and the situation. He chose to get involved in that and get involved in ds life by introducing ds to his family, he's even suggested ds call him dad which ds does at times. No we don't live together but he spends more of his time at my house than his own miserable empty house where he can't even be bothered to hoover or wash up because he say it doesn't feel like 'home', mine does, he says it's too expensive to keep and he wants to rent it out and move in with us. We go on all our holidays together, go shopping together, eat together, it's not as though he's supposed to be just a casual fling. He comes to ds school parents evening, he baths him, puts him to bed so how dare you suggest because he didn't make ds he has no commitment, because morally he does.

Funny because when we talk to women who get into relationships with men with children we don't have the same attitude.

I know exactly what's wrong with him, same as always has been he wants the best of both worlds, he wants the family life when it suits when he wants us all to go on holiday or on a day out, or someone to eat his Sunday roast with, but he wants to be able to just say fuck off when he wants to, which isn't very often but it's not on. This is also a pattern that every time it's his 'working weekend' he turns into a complete nasty peice of work, a couple of months ago he called me a prick over something similiar then was full of apologies the next day. He also acts like an idiot when he's around this mate. They act like kids I'll give an example. His friend text him something like 'you're my hero, fast car, bike, tidy bird, own house', they're always texting eachother calling eachother hero and stuff.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 09:34:06

And thanks ds is bit better today they're always worse at night, just didn't get much sleep.

Proudnscary Sat 29-Sep-12 09:35:40

Right sooo...what the hell are you doing with him then?

You are actually arguing against posters who have defended him, saying he is a total shit!

I still don't get the black comment. I'm not sure I want to.

He and his mates sound like cunts.

DontmindifIdo Sat 29-Sep-12 09:38:04

He really doesn't sound like much of a catch.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 09:46:45

Ye I know proud right now I am thinking like that, my phones off and I don't want to know, it's when the apologies, excuses and promises come I find it more difficult to stand my ground. It's easy to say but for us it would be like ds dad going and saying you're never seeing him again, as to ds that's what he is in the only way he's ever known.

I am very defensive over my pfb and won't have the because he's not a bio parent he doesn't matter and ds will have to be told no, just in terms of saying hi on the phone. If I thought I was having a casual relatonship they wouldn't be bloody well involved in ds life as children can't differentiate, it's not as though we've been together 3 months and I'm making demands.

droves Sat 29-Sep-12 09:51:39

Op , you need to dump this looser and find yourself a man who will adore you and ds . You deserve someone who knows how to treat his "dp and child (bio or not makes no difference ) with respect and love .

Proudnscary Sat 29-Sep-12 09:53:17

Look try to take a step back and imagine you were reading your posts as if they were from someone else. Or a close friend told you everything you had told us. What would you think? What would you say?

If it's your son you are concerned about then he will be better off without him in the long run. He's selfish, offensive, entitled and unpleasant. What kind of male role model is that, love?

G1nger Sat 29-Sep-12 09:57:52

"Surely it shouldn't be this hard."

It shouldn't. And it doesn't have to be. But you've woken up and are ready to face another day of trying to make him into the man you want him to be. Which he'll never be.

You know your son can still have a relationship with him when (not if, when) yours is over, right?

You're wasting your best years on this person.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere Sat 29-Sep-12 10:04:52

I am laughing at the I'm not black comment a bit.
If my ds tries to go all street I use a similar comment but modified because he is mixed race. However he is not a yardie or a participant on the jerry Springfield show hmm

I don't know the whole story op but just from a slightly different perspective....
I rarely go out and if I was on a rare night out with friends and my very capable DH phoned me to tell me one of the DCs was missing me and poorly I would be pretty upset with him.

Because the DC would be asleep and oblivious in no time whilst I would spend the rest of the night feeling guilty and would probably have to leave.

RecklessRat Sat 29-Sep-12 10:09:12

Sorry OP, but he sounds like a tool.

And so do his mates. "you're my hero, fast car, bike, tidy bird, own house"???!

Gaaaaagh.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 10:12:09

Feels like I've already wasted the best years of my life on men who didn't really give a damn, don't think I would even have the energy to start again, sure I must have mug written across my face. Can't understand where I'm going wrong really I think I'm attractive ish, I think I'm kind and thoughtful, I do nice things for us and think of nice things for us to do. I have a nice home, ds is fab, day to day dp and I get on well, it's not as though he's got a queue of women lining up, I can't understand why he treats me/us like this.

And I think what really hurts is why they treat ds like this, even if I was the most hideous person ever, ds is an innocent but yet his bio father didn't bother to stay in touch and dp just doesn't seem to care even though he pretends he does.

G1nger Sat 29-Sep-12 10:12:41

"Because the DC would be asleep and oblivious in no time whilst I would spend the rest of the night feeling guilty and would probably have to leave."

Any proper, caring patent would have this reaction. Not this man, though, it seems.

G1nger Sat 29-Sep-12 10:15:51

Sillymoomoo - some people are just unlucky. It also sounds like you've given this man too many chances when others would have moved on.

You need to find some confidence. I'm sure you have friends who are just waiting to be able to help you move on from this man. I'm sure you must have these. Talk to them - tell them you want to leave him.

RecklessRat Sat 29-Sep-12 10:19:29

Maybe you're being a bit too nice OP? Sadly, this can leave you open to being taken for granted/advantage of.

Of course you're hurt on behalf of DS. Give P both barrels for being a thoughtless shit next time you see him and see if he improves at all. He can't just check in and out of parenthood - and you mustn't let him if he really is going to be part of your lives.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 10:22:57

orange bear in mind I didn't even know he had his friend round. If I had I probably wouldn't have even bothered to ring. As far as I knew he was home alone, ds asked where he was so I said 'he's not here tonight shall we ring him', hardly makes me a bunny boiler. And I'm sure dp wouldn't have felt that guilty that he'd have kicked his mate out and rushed over, just a simple hello mate you're poorly are you, hope you feel better would have been quite sufficient. It wasn't about ringing him because I'm not capable, I thought I was just ringing my oh to say hi, ds is under the weather and we'll see you tomorrow. Wasn't expecting to be pretty much told to fuck off.

reckless yes I know makes you cringe doesn't it, I told you that to give an impression what kids they are when they get together.

The reason I'm so upset also is that he used to do things like this all the time going back, he hasn't, as I say for probably a year and I thought he'd changed. But for example he insisted I came and met his parents after a few months even though I was unsure he threatened to finish if I didn't. When I got round there (he lived with them at the time) he went bright red and practically pushed me upstairs as soon as I'd said hello. Then when his gran and grandad would come over for family meals he'd say he couldn't see me that night, I'd hint well aren't I invited to be told. I'd only be in the way, I'd be bored, his grandad is an embarrassment because he dribbles. These days if they come over he makes a big fuss and makes me come to the family meals even if I'm not in the mood.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 10:26:22

ginger to be completely honest I daren't speak to rl friends and family about things like this because I've found it just comes back to bite me on the arse when I stay with him. Bascially it's well don't moan anymore if you're not going to get rid which is fair enough. So I prefer to vent anonymously atm.

G1nger Sat 29-Sep-12 10:28:39

You focus too much on the things he does that reassure you. You should be focussing more on the things that cause you to doubt his commitment (and suitability) to this relationship.

I'm going to stop whittling on now. I've said all I feel I should. Good luck, OP.

G1nger Sat 29-Sep-12 10:30:57

They're still waiting, Sillymoo.

(Just like I'm waiting for my sister).

Go to them when you're ready.

ScrambledSmegs Sat 29-Sep-12 10:33:32

He sounds very immature, especially in light of your last posts. How old is he?

So basically you want a relationship with an adult, and instead you got Kevin the teenager. You and your DS deserve better.

whatinthewhatnow Sat 29-Sep-12 10:35:50

he's a dick. tell him to go and shag his beer.

Viviennemary Sat 29-Sep-12 10:38:33

I don't think it sounds as if there is a lot of hope that things will improve. Maybe it's time to move on and find somebody who is more committed to family life.

Nagoo Sat 29-Sep-12 10:38:57

You have summed him up really well OP, so I don't think you need any advice on working out where you stand.

The only thing you need to think about is whether you are happy with this situation.

We could say that you have the same benefits that he does, the sex, the family dinners etc, and you don't have to put up with plates on top of the dishwasher and crumbs on the worktop and farting in bed every night. You get to decide how to parent your DS.

It depends on how your DP usually is, and whether you are happy with him or not.

I don't think that refusing to speak to DS is a sackable offence, if he was pissed it probably wasn't a good idea anyway. It was a bit twattish on his part, granted. And I do agree that it was disrespectful. But you need to look at the big picture before you decide whether LTB is a good idea.

Thumbwitch Sat 29-Sep-12 10:42:41

sillymoomoo - what do you actually want from this bloke? Would it make you happier if he chose to move in with you permanently and commit properly? Or would that worry you?

I don't think his "take you or leave you as and when it suits him" attitude is much cop at all, so I think I'd be giving him an ultimatum over this - say either commit properly or fuck off. It's just not fair on your DS, or you, to do what he's doing (even though he's not done it for a year, doing it again now means it's always going to be a possibility he'll do it again).

Good luck - hope you can get a good outcome from this.

Seenenoughtoknow Sat 29-Sep-12 10:44:19

Give him an ultimatum. Tell him he can't just decide when he does and doesn't want to be a parent. I would tell him that if he wants to 'step back' a bit, your DS will stop calling him dad and he won't be invited to Sunday lunch or days out until he's ready to commit. WHEN he's ready to commit (if ever) he will get the full package but there is no going back.

Sometimes these things happen for a reason, so that we can put a few boundaries in our relationships. This could give you a chance to issue a 'make or break' ultimatum, or at least a 'from now on you get out what you put in' clause. Best of luck.

DawnOfTheDee Sat 29-Sep-12 10:45:02

There seems to be a lot of emotional blackmail here. Threatening to dump you if you won't meet his parents. Saying you won't see him tomorrow if you don't stop moaning.

I'm guessing his house is a dump because he can't be arsed to clean it. That's where you come in. You have a nice house where he can stay and play at being a family man. Then go back to his place when he wants to be single for a bit.

You are right in that it shouldn't be this hard. So stop it. You are flogging a dead horse.

Dump his now. The longer you stay with this loser the bigger the adverse effect he'll be having on your ds. I'd much rather be by myself than someone who treated me and my dc like he treats you.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 11:04:41

What do I want? Well that is a good question, I don't want to live together right now because I can't trust him, but I do want that to be the long term plan. Right now I am quite happy for him to go home a couple of nights a week but it's the speaking to me like shit I can't take. I don't ring him 24/7 quite the opposite infact, so if I do ring I expect him to answer even if that's just to say he's not staying on the phone. I personally would never just sit and ignore the phone. Other than that I just want him to stop being a grumpy old man to me he's the ultimate pessimist and this gets me down, he won't even take days off work I have to get him to use his holiday, everythings a bit 'what's the point'.

And yes I have discussed this with him but it's either, not a good time to talk, I'm moaning, or he's sorry and will make an effort, or it was because he was tired or stressed. Of course I have no stress in my life at all confused

Rindercella Sat 29-Sep-12 11:10:16

Reading this thread Sillymoomoo, I would talk to your friends and family again. Listen to what they say and then walk away from this man child.

Look, sorry, but are you completely desperate not to be single? This man doesn't love you or really consider himself your partner; you and DS are just toys he can play with from time to time.
There is nothing more futile, exhausting and stupid than wearing yourself out trying to 'make' someone love you. Dump this man and give yourself at least a year of being single before dating again, otherwise the next one will be a knob, too, and so will the one after that.

CaptainVonTrapp Sat 29-Sep-12 11:18:09

'Ruining your chances of seeing him tomorrow'

What his presence is a reward for your good behaviour?

ltb.

CaptainVonTrapp Sat 29-Sep-12 11:19:31

OP, do you think this man is going to treat you better over the coming years, or worse?

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 11:22:45

Don't mince your words wink

Haha I don't think I'm desperate more perhaps a little scared of starting again completely on my own, being a single parent with two relationships down the swanny. I know I can cope perfectly well being single but it's still a scary prospect.

Bit scary to just think 'he doesn't love me', I'm sure you're probably right but if he felt like that why the bloody hell string me along for all this time, why not just go and find someone he did love.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 11:25:02

captain I know, but it wasn't as though I was going to turn around and say 'ok sorry I'll be good', but he knows I have more emotional investment in it so is using that against me.

"we don't live together but he spends more of his time at my house than his own miserable empty house where he can't even be bothered to hoover or wash up because he say it doesn't feel like 'home', mine does, he says it's too expensive to keep and he wants to rent it out and move in with us."

Can I just ask - does he make any financial contribution to your household? Because I'm guessing that you feed him too.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 11:31:05

He does to be fair, money is not an issue at all, he doesn't give me money but he does things like pays for ds activities, go halves on presents and stuff, I do a shop for the week and he'll eat that when he comes over whis is one or two week nights but he'll do a shop for the weekend, or if we have a takeaway or go out to eat he pays. We recently did ds bedroom and he paid halves for all the stuff. That's what I mean he has a lovely house but he can't be bothered to do anything to it to make it homely at all there's just clothes all over the floor. If I leave something on the table at his I could go back a month later and it would still be there.

ENormaSnob Sat 29-Sep-12 11:41:17

Sorry to be harsh but this isn't a partnership here.

Imho this man doesn't love you or your poor son. You are a convenience.

You will look back on how you let yourself be treated and cringe.

And in all honesty I wouldn't dream of spoiling a rare night out for my dh by ringing him if one of the dc were poorly. Unless it was an emergency obviously.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 11:48:27

I will say again he wasn't on a rare night out, he was in his house and his friend had popped round, I didn't know this when I rang because as far as I knew he was home alone, he hadn't told me beforehand he was seeing a friend or anything else. And he went out last Saturday, he sees this friend at least once a week usually in the week but every couple of weeks at the weekend. He's not some hermit that rarely gets a chance to socialize outside out relationship.

differentnameforthis Sat 29-Sep-12 12:25:47

But morally he doesn't, op! I'm sorry that you don't like it & having a go at me doesn't change it. He isn't anything really except your boyfriend who wanted a night off & as he is not your ds's father, he is pretty entitled to that! My stepfather dated my mother for years before they moved in together & she wouldn't have dreamt of calling of him if one of us was sick, just to say hello. She would have waited until we saw him again & mentioned it.

But seriously, you obviously don't really like him that much, so all this is moot, isn't it!

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sat 29-Sep-12 12:29:27

Just because that's what happened with your mum and stepfather, doesn't make it right for another couple, differentnameforthis.

If you see someone as your long term partner, whether you're living together or not, then it's usually considered normal to phone them if you have a problem. Her boyfriend asked her child to call him 'dad', which indicates he's prepared to be there when the child needs him. Evidently he didn't understand what it means to be a real dad.

HE's stringing you along because it suits him to have a toybox containing 'partner&child', especially as it's the de luxe version that contains getting his meals cooked when he feels like it and his cock sucked as well.
Does he alternate threatening to dump you with hints that he might propose, too? Basically you have awarded him all the power in this relationship - it's as though you have both agreed that you are lucky to have him and that you can be punished at any time by his departure.

I really don't know why women put up with this when being single is so much better.

You already know the answers, look at your own words.

"I know exactly what's wrong with him, same as always has been he wants the best of both worlds, he wants the family life when it suits when he wants us all to go on holiday or on a day out, or someone to eat his Sunday roast with, but he wants to be able to just say fuck off when he wants to"

So why on earth are you putting up with this? Seriously, why? He can only do it because you allow it. You accept his insincere apologies. You continue to see him.

"Bit scary to just think 'he doesn't love me', I'm sure you're probably right but if he felt like that why the bloody hell string me along for all this time, why not just go and find someone he did love."
He does it because it gives him cooked meals, a clean and pleasant home environment and sex on tap. And he has already found someone he loves - himself. Selfish bastards do not need other people to love.

" he knows I have more emotional investment in it so is using that against me."
SO he's manipulative too. sad

"I don't want to live together right now because I can't trust him"
If you can't trust him, then why continue this relationship at all?

"The reason I'm so upset also is that he used to do things like this all the time"
So I really cannot understand why you persevered for so long.

" I daren't speak to rl friends and family about things like this because I've found it just comes back to bite me on the arse when I stay with him. Bascially it's well don't moan anymore if you're not going to get rid which is fair enough. So I prefer to vent anonymously atm."
And your real-life friends and family have undoubtedly given you the same advice as on here. Dump him. He will never change. He is not worth the hassle.

As I said, you already know the answer. And if you expect to vent on here and not be told the same as you have already been told in RL, you are very much mistaken. We will not stroke your hair and say "there, there" in a soothing voice. Not while you are still inflicting this man on your son.

If you won't dump him on your own account, then please consider your six year old son. If it infuriates you to be old " fuck off when he ^[your boyfriend] wants to"^ , what do you think it does to your son? I think you're underestimating the effect on him. Your boyfriend is encouraging him to call him dad, your son has done so a few times. You really should think long and hard about what's best for your son, and as a clue, someone who behaves like this is not a good person to have in his young life.

shittingit Sat 29-Sep-12 14:01:34

OP, I think deep down you know this 'relationship' isnt going anywhere. This man will leave as soon as he finds someone he is willing to commit to properly. Ever heard that phrase 'he's just not that into you?' ( cheesy but so apt)

I have seen it happen so much with friends, their Dp's string them along for years, always giving just enough affection, attention and saying kinda the right things to keep said friends hanging on, hoping he will change, that they are making progress. They never change, not until they really want to or until they end up with a woman they truly love and are committed to.

He treats you the way you allow him to treat you, you need to take some responsibility for allowing this idiot opportunity after opportunity to disappoint you're son, for making you unhappy and insecure.

You and you're son deserve better, do you really want you're son to grow up with this selfish man as his role model?

KillerRack Sat 29-Sep-12 14:05:55

Why can't he answer his phone because his friend is their? confused

tbh I would taken that suspiciously i.e another woman. seriously get a backbone (for you and son) meant as nicely as possible.

Charliefarlie1192 Sat 29-Sep-12 14:09:22

FGS op, you dont live together, I assume thats a decision you have made together? Without sounding too harsh that coupled with the fact he is not ds's dad suggests to me this relationship is not at the level where he should be expected to act like ds's father? yabu for confusing the situation for your ds imo - both of you abu

LadySybildeChocolate Sat 29-Sep-12 14:11:53

Sounds to me as though he's stringing you along. Ten years down the line you're still going to be in the same situation; he turns up for sex when he wants, then leaves you to it. Not only is this disrespectful towards you and your son, it's also taking away any chance of happiness for you. You're hardly going to look for someone worthy of your time and love if you're attached to this looser. What's going to happen if you ever get pregnant by this 'man'? You'll be raising two children by yourself as he isn't going to change.

I'm in full agreement with everyone else. You do deserve better.

CaptainVonTrapp Sat 29-Sep-12 15:02:07

OP I think he probably does love you but not as much as you love him and clearly not enough to demonstrate a proper commitment to you (for example by moving in and being involved with everything instead of just the good bits).

My fear for you is that he will eventually meet someone that he really likes then leave.

UpTheZigguratLicketySplit Sat 29-Sep-12 16:01:31

Nasty. Not read all the thread but not to talk to his own son when he's poorly just because his mates are there?!
You can do without that.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 18:31:51

Oh well it's over anyway, haven't heard a peep off him today and he'd normally be ringing by now apologising or turning up with his tail between his legs. I'm gutted feel like crap.

different I'm not having a go at you I just can't agree with your opinion or attitude, I pretty much agree with most people on this thread apart from you. I just believe that if you get deeply involved with a child you cannot just dismiss them when you feel like it. According to his own words he is as much my ds dad as if he really was, you can't say that and then do another. It's not as though he's turned around and said he doesn't want to be a step parent, he tells me we're his family, maybe he didn't mean it but he shouldn't have said it in that case. The way we are it's not as though he isn't involved, I've been away for the weekend with friends and left ds with dp without a second thought. He's always been the one saying ds might aswell call him dad and I've been a bit unsure, you can't say that one minute then absolve yourself of responsibility the next.

Why the hell do people do this to others, if I was with someone but didn't love them I'd just end it, I'd never string someone along for x amount of years.

LadySybildeChocolate Sat 29-Sep-12 18:36:43

You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, sillymoomoo. wine

McHappyPants2012 Sat 29-Sep-12 19:57:24

You are best shot of him.

You and ds deserve better, you are not an assesory he can pick up and and put down as he chooses.

He needs to make the decision on what he wants in life

airforceone Sat 29-Sep-12 20:00:53

I understand it hurts like hell. but if you have a history of contacting him over things that really could have waited when he's having a night 'off', then I can understand how he might act like a bit of a twit. It might not be as big a deal as it feels. Just might not!

deleted203 Sat 29-Sep-12 20:12:16

I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad sillymoomoo. Have a glass of wine, a long soak in the bath, do your nails/hair - anything to have a bit of 'me' time, if possible. You had a crap night last night and I hope ds is feeling a lot better. I wouldn't necessarily assume you've been dumped - but I would leave it to him to make the next move. He needs to do a lot of grovelling in my opinion to make up for his shit behaviour and in the meantime I would be considering whether I really wanted to continue in this relationship. Best wishes.

suburbophobe Sat 29-Sep-12 20:17:49

I'm ruining his chances of seeing him tomorrow.

Emotional blackmail.

I think "tomorrow" you should not be available to him.

Oh, he's just dicking with you again to keep you dancing to his tune, OP. THis man is a cock. He will always be a cock. You are wasting your time and investing in a relationship which is going nowhere. Fuck him off, spend a bit of time on your own working out what you want, and then go on to live happily ever after. You can and should, honest.

shittingit Sat 29-Sep-12 20:42:54

I bet you all the money I dont have that he will be back, he is making you sweat, 'teaching' you a lesson etc etc, fuck him off and don't allow him back.

hiddenhome Sat 29-Sep-12 20:45:16

Replace immediately.

Icelollycraving Sat 29-Sep-12 20:49:27

He will be back. Give him a big suprise by investing in getting rid.

airforceone Sat 29-Sep-12 21:00:22

Just read the whole thread OP, sorry for the out of date opinion. Also sorry you're going through such heartbreaking times.

I don't know how you and you DP tend to get on together and what your 'normal' is. To me, the not answering the phone, saying 'What do you want?' etc., completely out of the blue, is freaky. If my DH changed and comes over less loving because he's with friends (it's been known to happen but not to that extent) there would be huge fireworks.

However I do think you haven't been wise. You cannot live in a hinterland of waiting and ambiguity - 'I want this in the future but not yet' and 'We're a family but I can't trust him'. There's not much point 'working towards' something when you're with a person who has deep seated reasons for being the way they are, and isn't really addressing them other than a quick apology. Your situation is not straightforward and your DP, whoever he is to be, needs maturity now. You can't pare everything down and go into a sort of economy-mode relationship in which things can function without trust etc. At least not to this extreme extent, especially when there's a child involved.

I think perhaps you're scared of being alone and you desperately want your son to have a dad - both of which seem very understandable - but these things would be worse inside the relationship, in the long run, if there isn't love.

I hope you find happiness soon, OP.

Thumbwitch Sun 30-Sep-12 01:55:57

I'm not going to say I'm sorry that he hasn't done his usual routine, Sillymoomoo because I do agree with others, it's time to call it quits.

However, I am sorry for the inevitable hurt that you and your DS are going to go through - but better now than another couple of years down the line. This man isn't worth your care, honestly - as I think you know, really.

Make a clean break, if he contacts you again tell him too little, too late and refuse to see him again except and unless your DS wants to say goodbye (that would be reasonable for your DS's sake, no one else's).

Stay strong my lovely. He is SO not worth it - focus instead on you and your DS.

differentnameforthis Sun 30-Sep-12 03:50:26

We will agree to disagree then. I can see this is causing you hurt, so will bow out as I really don't want to add that.

Good luck, op. With what ever happens. And I mean that genuinely!

droves Sun 30-Sep-12 06:57:54

Sillymoo ... I think you should look on this as an oppertunity for some much needed self -love .

You have been shown the gift of freedom , it's up to you of you take it .

Just for a minute imagine , that you and your lovely ds are somewhere having fun ....he's smiling and laughing and you feel like the greatest mum in the world just because of the utter joy in your wee boys eyes . Theres no waiting on a phonecall or for some useless bloke to turn up . Its just you and him living life and enjoying it as much as you can . He needs that ...you need that .

Now think how is that going to happen ? Easy ! You only have to change the way you think about yourself ! . You are a great mum . You are a good person , your kind ,attractive , and loving . From your post we can tell your clever and loyal ...all said you are quite a catch . Anyone who comes into your and Ds's lives better be pretty amazing , because that's what you are and you deserve your equal ...not a selfish immature twat like you've been putting up with .

You know what , when you get that self esteem of yours back where it should be , then you will be really really happy in yourself , and then quality people will be drawn to you like moths to a flame ! .

Confidence really is the cure ...so be kind to yourself ...stop wondering if a bloke will call you /turn up and get yourself out doing something for you instead of waiting about . What that is is your choice ...you can do anything ! It could be a great new job , return to education , spending more time with friends who appreciate you , doing more fun things with ds or even something you've always wanted to try but never got around to ?

First thing you should do every morning is stand infront of a mirror and tell your self " I am amazing and I deserve better ". You will feel like a twat at first , but eventually you say it to yourself and believe it . Even better if you say it to the twatbag bf and believe it .

Trust me

bumhead Sun 30-Sep-12 20:18:50

Has he been in touch Silly?
Was wondering how you and your DS are?

sillymoomoo Sun 30-Sep-12 21:44:20

We're ok thanks, not going to lie I'm really fed up.

He's basically told me it's all my fault, he's had a shit weekend working hasn't stopped and it's all my fault. What happened Friday night is my fault and I owe him a big apology. And said 'this is why I haven't moved in with you and don't do anything because you're a moody bitch'.

I said that it seems he wants to opt in and out when it suits him and asked why he wouldn't just speak to ds or answer the phone. But he just shouted "because I didn't want to" and if he doesn't answer the phone it's because he doesn't want to speak.

But what's worse isn't the fact that he just doesn't answer the phone, it's the way he spoke to me over text. If he'd just text something like 'x is here and I'm really done in, hope ds is ok see you tomorrow' I could have accepted that but it's the horrible texts.

He didn't even ask if ds was feeling better.

Talked to my mum about it all last night wasn't really a lot she could say.

sillymoomoo Sun 30-Sep-12 21:51:26

I know you probably all think I'm an idiot but with him it just feels like it's so close but yet so far.

We can be great for months, day to day we get on quite well and are happy but then, and this is how I see it, something triggers in him and he goes off in an enormous mood.

Sometimes I think it's almost as though he wants me to be perfect, like a carbon copy of his mother quietly cooking the meals and never complaining. I think he thinks his needs outweigh mine like he wants naps in the day and lie ins. He says I don't need as much sleep, I do but I have to bloody get on with it.

whatsforyou Sun 30-Sep-12 22:00:52

Sometimes I think it's almost as though he wants me to be perfect, like a carbon copy of his mother quietly cooking the meals and never complaining

And the poor woman was probably screaming with misery on the inside! Is that what you want for you? This man thinks that you should be grateful for the little bit of effort he puts in to you and your son. Do you not deserve more than that? If you don't then I'm damn sure your son does, you've already said that his bio dad is a waste of space, why would you force another one on him.

I'm sorry, I know that probably sounds really harsh and I know all you want is a happy family for you and your DS but you won't get it with man.

whatsforyou Sun 30-Sep-12 22:02:29

'this man' not man in general wink

Iamnotamindreader Sun 30-Sep-12 22:02:51

This ideal he has in his head means you will never be good enough. Nothing you do or say will ever satisfy it. You may well rub along perfectly happy for months but then one too many things you do or say will go against his list and you must be punished for it.
The worst thing is he now seems to have one in his head for your son. Are you going to allow him to be treated like that so you can have your partners affections?

He is broken, not you. He cannot be complete without making those around him jump through hoops to gain his affections and to feel good about himself. It means they will never live up to what he thinks they should be and thats his problem not yours, all you can do is damage limitation and get away from him.

He may not hit you, he may not cheat, he may not do a lot of things but what he is doing is damaging you and now he is trying to damage your son. Stop him.

Thumbwitch Mon 01-Oct-12 00:15:03

Ahh come on, sillymoomoo - he's blaming you for it all? What a cock!

seriously, you're nowhere "near" with this bloke. He's going to keep stringing you along the entire time and then dump you when someone better (as in nearer his doormat ideal) comes along. Just get it out the way now and dump him. Please.

Seenenoughtoknow Mon 01-Oct-12 00:50:22

There is no better time to tell this manchild to take a hike than now...think of it this way... He's peed off with you, he's making you feel small, he doesn't care how your son feels, he's blaming you for everything...crikey - your whole life might be like this if you stay with him.

Tell him it's over, and give his self serving attitude the slap in the face that it needs. Prove to him you are a strong independent woman, who is settling for no less in life than what she deserves...and believe me, you deserve better than him.

"I know you probably all think I'm an idiot but with him it just feels like it's so close but yet so far."
What feels so close? Seriously, what?

"Sometimes I think it's almost as though he wants me to be perfect, like a carbon copy of his mother quietly cooking the meals and never complaining. I think he thinks his needs outweigh mine like he wants naps in the day and lie ins. He says I don't need as much sleep, I do but I have to bloody get on with it."
Correct. Again. He grew up with a female household skivvy, and now that he no longer lives with her there is a vacancy to fill. He does not see you as a partner, he sees you as a household appliance.

Several times in this thread you have put your finger on what he is REALLY like. And yet you continue to inflict him on yourself and on your son. You know what to do. Get rid, he is screwing with your head and he is seriously screwing with your son's head. If you had no children, fair enough, every adult is entitled to go to Hell in the handcart of their own choosing - but your son isn't getting to make a choice here AND THAT IS YOUR FAULT. By all means be shit to yourself, but not to him.

perfectstorm Mon 01-Oct-12 01:51:22

Sorry, but how is this creep good enough to be your son's father? Does your child really deserve nothing better? Is your view of your son that low?

Please get shot. Seriously, you already know you need to. Trust that.

DawnOfTheDee Mon 01-Oct-12 10:31:32

sillymoo this guy has just proved again how pathetic he is and more worryingly, how controlling. "If you don't do x I wouldn't do y" has alarm bells ringing in my head. Thank god you don't already live with him.

No-one thinks you're an idiot but we do want you and your ds to be healthy, safe and happy. This is not possible while this complete knobber is on the scene.

Luckily it will be quite easy to get rid of him. He thinks it's acceptable not to answer the phone 'because he doesn't want to'. Well, good, now you don't want to talk to him (in your heart you really really don't OP) so just stop answering his calls and texts. He will soon go away.

NeDeLaMer Mon 01-Oct-12 11:00:33

Sillymoo - you know what needs to be done, now all you need to do is find the strength to go through with it, for your sons sake if not your own.

sillymoomoo Mon 01-Oct-12 11:31:42

I honestly do want to end it for good because when things like this happen I'm so unhappy, I know he isn't respecting me and isn't really committed. And of course I want stability and a happy family with ds whether that be with a partner or just me and ds. There's no way after this I'd be getting involved with anyone new for a very long time.

It's the whole thing with ds though and me blamimg myself for a lot of it that's kept me trying so long. Dp has always made out, if I'd just do this or I'd just do that he'd be happy and we'd get married move in and have the whole fairytale life. But I just can't live up to his expectations. I also feel as though I've let this guy deeply into ds life and need to make it work or else how's he going to feel about it all whdn he's older.

It's crept up on me, when I first started going out with him we got on really well, he'd just come over when ds was in bed or when I had a babysitter. After a few months he'd be talking like I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and how he thought we should move in together, he'd say things like "if I proposed what would you say", and I'd joke and say you'd have to ask me first. I don't think I was ever pushy I went into it not expecting anything, it was him that talked about a future together. So I got it into my head that we had one, I got an idea in my mind that he'd probably end up moving into mine after about a year as he lived with his mum and dad still. So I let him start meeting ds(he knew us a bit before but on a friendship level) , and he took us all on a little holiday. He was brilliant with ds got stuck in helping me it was just like he'd always been there. It all started to go wrong after about a year when I started to actually want more. He let me think he was gong to move in then one day told me he was looking into buying his own place. I was really pee'd off but he made out I was being controlling and it was too soon to move in, he'd say the house he was buying was for us anyway, for us all to move into eventually or to rent out. I thought well I guess a year isn't that long so I let it be, but then other cracks started to show silly little things like him excluding me from things like family meals, yet when it suited him he forced me to go to other things like work nights out. It felt like he wanted me there as an accessory sometimes to show off but not when he didn't. Then we argued and x, y z happened so there was no way we were gong to move in together as we wern't getting on.

About a year ago I posted on here about him really upset, and people said similiar things to now. I showed him the thread and I don't think he could quite believe it, that people actually thought his behaviour was wrong. He seemed to change after that. I remember one night him sitting there say he didn't know why he was such a twat because I'm way too good for him and I'm lovely and he knows I'm all his and he takes that for granted. And this year has been a better year. He's done loads of things, got rid of his sports car for a family car, helped me decorate all the house. But he still slips into that old 'f you' attitude and believe me all of the above isn't the half of it, he has done some really nasty things to me far worse than not answering the phone.

My mum reckons it's a waste of time too, she think he's just a childish, selfish slob. She also thinks he's got anxiety problems and that's why he does stuff like not answering the phone because he puts on and act in front of people. I don't think he's got anxiety issues but he is incredibly shy and has some immature opinions for a man in his 30's, like thinking his mate will think he's under the thumb.

If anybody can be bothered to read that phew it got a lot off my chest. I do wish I'd never met him.

OhChristFENTON Mon 01-Oct-12 11:44:19

Perhaps you can find a sense of relief that it's over in that now, you won't be waiting until the next time he gets in one of these 'moods' - you won't be wondering how long the good phase will last until the selfish disrespectful git reappears.

And you won't need to feel let down and disappointed anymore.

Onward and upward for you and DS now. smile

sillymoomoo Mon 01-Oct-12 11:58:22

I know I have been treading on eggshells for a long time.

I am still on edge as I know this won't be the last I hear and he has a load of stuff here. He told me yesterday to chuck it all in the bin but think he'd go mad if I actually did. But he won't collect it. My mum told me to bag it all up and stick it in the shed for now.

Thumbwitch Mon 01-Oct-12 11:59:39

Glad you've vented that lot, sillymoomoo!

Now, read it back as though someone else had written it and then think about it objectively - he's never going to commit, he loves the set up he has at the moment, and he knows if he makes you jump through hoops to make him happy, he's got you where he wants you. This whole "if only you were more/less whatever.." just demonstrates one thing - he doesn't love you enough. You deserve far more and so does your DS. If he loved you properly, you wouldn't be made to jump through any hoops. Even if he decided now that he did want to move in together, you'd spend your entire time on eggshells, trying harder and harder to achieve his "targets" - and frankly, you shouldn't have to.

Your DS will ultimately be far better off without him - he doesn't need to see his mum being put down, or made to keep trying to do the impossible; worse, said man might start doing it to your DS too! You don't want to see that happen either.

He's not worth it - you are worthy of being loved for who you are, and it isn't by him. Get rid, while you're in control of it.

"It's the whole thing with ds though and me blaming myself for a lot of it that's kept me trying so long. Dp has always made out, if I'd just do this or I'd just do that he'd be happy and we'd get married move in and have the whole fairytale life. But I just can't live up to his expectations. I also feel as though I've let this guy deeply into ds life and need to make it work or else how's he going to feel about it all whdn he's older."
The blaming yourself is all to do with his being so manipulative. But you do need to stop thinking you need to continue this relationship for DS's sake. It is far more damaging to your DS to continue exposing him to this horrendous influence.

"I am still on edge as I know this won't be the last I hear and he has a load of stuff here. He told me yesterday to chuck it all in the bin but think he'd go mad if I actually did. But he won't collect it. My mum told me to bag it all up and stick it in the shed for now."
Bag it up. Tell him you will leave it on your doorstep at a particular time, either he can come and get it or it will remain there for thieves/the binmen. Probably best to be out so that you don't have to resist the temptation to forgive him (panic could still override common sense). Or have your mother there with you and she can field the front door. And if he has a key to your house, get it back.

PedanticPanda Mon 01-Oct-12 18:19:54

I also feel as though I've let this guy deeply into ds life and need to make it work or else how's he going to feel about it all when he's older.

Your DS will grow up with a mother with high self esteem and will regard you very highly, he'll realise that you don't have to stay with someone who doesn't respect you and will have a much better attitude to relationships and how you should treat others if you left this man than what he'd learn is acceptable if you stayed.

VivaLeBeaver Mon 01-Oct-12 18:43:21

Sillymoomoo, you do know if he ever did move in he'd probably get even more moody and bad tempered. Once he'd got what he wanted and felt that he'd trapped you he'd treat you even worse if he wanted to as he would think you'd be less likely to finish things.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life on eggshells?

CaptainVonTrapp Mon 01-Oct-12 19:43:21

The less your DS sees of him the better. He doesn't sound like much of a role model. Wouldn't want your DS to grow up thinking you are a doormat and that he can treat you like one.

I realise this man is not all bad and there are things you like about him but honestly don't live like this.

DontmindifIdo Mon 01-Oct-12 20:15:19

"Hello Sillymoo's DP, welcome to dumpsville. Population, you."

sillymoomoo Tue 02-Oct-12 20:17:50

Well it gets better. He was at my house last night, didn't come in just sat outside for a bit watching me.

I know this because he text to ask why ds went to bed so late and why I was wasting electricity with all the lights on. Apparently he wanted to see if I was ok as he'd not heard and I had got myself so upset and in a state art the weekend. I didn't know he was out there.

He told me that 'the rule of thumb' is if he doesn't answer the phone first time it's because he isn't there or doesn't want to speak. I need to think about my actions (telling him to fuck off) and how hurtful I can be. I need to learn that acting like a child gets me nowhere, and to go away and think about how I treat him and how I can improve shock and he will think to. And if I don't like it find someone better like, then bought up the names of men I've been associated with in the past.

I am dumbfounded, I must have let him get away with so much for so long that this is what it's come to confused

expatinscotland Tue 02-Oct-12 20:28:00

This man doesn't want to co-parent with you. Do your son a favour and get him out of your lives.

And stop dating for a while and focus on yourself.

CaptainVonTrapp Tue 02-Oct-12 20:32:18

shock
He sat outside your house watching you, then rang and gave you a lecture on how to improve yourself so that you will be more deserving of him...

shock

What unusual behaviour...

Ha ha at dumpsville!!

LineRunner Tue 02-Oct-12 20:33:42

Hi, OP. I know how much losing a relationship hurts. But think of waving goodbye to this man as gaining a future, for you and for your son.

Like expat says, focus on yourself.

VivaLeBeaver Tue 02-Oct-12 20:35:09

Why did he bring up names of men you've been involved in before? In what context?

sillymoomoo Tue 02-Oct-12 20:40:57

Yes, I know what has to be done. I'm considering changing my number purely so he can't contact me or so I'm not tempted to contact him.

Well he basically told me off, what I needed to do, then said and if I don't like it find someone better like x or y, one who I dated before him and one who I met through a friend when he dumped me once ages ago but nothing ever came of it because of him.

StuntGirl Tue 02-Oct-12 20:41:23

Good lord OP. I know you're upset at how things have turned out but just consider this a bullet you have dodged. Christ, what a dick!

LemonBreeland Tue 02-Oct-12 20:43:59

OMG get rid completely ASAP. He is not right in the head.

LineRunner Tue 02-Oct-12 20:44:29

Sillymoomoo I do feel for you, really. This must be so crap. But thank the lord you are, indeed, dodging that bullet.

sillymoomoo Tue 02-Oct-12 20:50:53

He really has never done or said things like that to that extent before. I think this is the level it's come to because I've always allowed things.

Thumbwitch Tue 02-Oct-12 23:28:25

Time to tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when he gets there, fuck off some more, I feel!! shock

How DARE he tell you how you have to "improve" to keep him! The CHEEK! Bin him, g'wan. You have to.

ShellyBoobs Tue 02-Oct-12 23:43:16

Christ on a bicycle! He sounds like a catch.

I was in 2 minds about the original question, but given the rest of the story? Only one answer: run like the fucking wind!

deleted203 Tue 02-Oct-12 23:45:55

sillymoomoo this guy is a nutter. What sort of creep sits outside your house spying on you (after you've told him to fuck off) and then texts you asking why you are wasting electricity - and checking on what time your DS goes to bed? That is seriously creepy! shock.

I would be tempted to send him a text saying on the contrary - acting this way has got me out of a very controlling relationship with you, a fact I am very thankful for. I find your current behaviour very disturbing. Please do not contact me again.

Please don't take him back - he is a manipulative weirdo. And this is stalking.

TicketToHull Wed 03-Oct-12 00:08:10

Fucking hell, he really is a piece of work isn't he?

TicketToHull Wed 03-Oct-12 00:09:36

blush at sounding in my head like a NY olden day police detective

perfectstorm Wed 03-Oct-12 13:42:37

If he's texted you to say he was watching you outside the house, bluntly I'd report that to the police. Not because they can or should do anything, but because it's clear harassment, and if you intend (as I so, so hope you do) to continue to block this utter weirdo loser from your poor, vulnerable little boy's life, he may react badly (being an utter weirdo loser, as he is) and harass you. Logged incidents strengthen your hand if you need official steps to get him to leave you the fuck alone.

In all honesty the man has no respect at all. If he did move in he would be abusive. Entirely possibly physically - and he doesn't sound like the type not to believe in smacking kids, either. You're well into lucky escape territory IMO.

perfectstorm Wed 03-Oct-12 13:43:48

Oh, and don't answer his messages in any way at all, because that is feeding his responding in turn. Change your number, yes. He's a freak. Absolute creepy loser.

"He told me ... I need to think about my actions (telling him to fuck off) and how hurtful I can be. I need to learn that acting like a child gets me nowhere, and to go away and think about how I treat him and how I can improve"
Oh dear lord he is a wanker! One who thinks the world revolves around him.

"I am dumbfounded, I must have let him get away with so much for so long that this is what it's come to"
Sadly, yes. You have let him away with so much for so long that he thinks he can treat you like dirt. So what are you going to do about that now? (Clue - 'change nothing' is not the right answer.)

Yes, definitely change your number.

NeDeLaMer Wed 03-Oct-12 21:19:14

I wouldn't change my number - I would simply tell him to do as Thumb suggested and if he doesn't, tell the police. I would also call the local station and get last nights weirdness logged in case he doesn't just fuck off.

Bag up his shite and put it on the step - tell him this is what you are going to do and what time you will be putting it out there (make it a time he is able to pick it up, you want 'right' on your side, it makes life easier in the long run).

I know a part of you is hurting - but honestly my love, you have had a bloody lucky escape from this controlling, self opinionated git... and so has your DS. Please don't think for one minute your son would be better off with him in his life - he will not be, not in any way, shape or form. Cut contact entirely.

Uppermid Thu 04-Oct-12 14:13:13

Phew. Lucky escape for you and your ds. I know it must be hard now though. Think of your future, this man doesn't belong in it

picmaestress Thu 04-Oct-12 15:17:57

This man is revolting! Get him out of your life, no concessions. Ugh.

expatinscotland Thu 04-Oct-12 15:30:21

Have you binned him yet?

sillymoomoo Sat 06-Oct-12 10:25:39

No not back with him, avoided speaking all week but ended up having it all out last night carried through to this morning.

Have basically been told that he was too good to me, all the things he bought me and took me out for meals and stuff and I am heartless. He told me it would be nice if I bought him things too as I always have money for me and my son but not for him and all I've ever bought him is a cheap t shirt from tk maxx. Firstly I've only ever been in tk maxx once, I bought him a shirt two weeks ago from River Island, he's calling it cheap because he usually wears Superdry hmm but basically had been moaning for ages that the writing fades and they make him sweat so he wanted to try something new so when I was in town I picked him one up, bear in mind he finds it difficult to get tshirts to fit because of the size and this one fitted like a glove. I reminded him of all the things I've bought, amongst them are coldplay and killers tickets, clothes an i pod touch and a docking station, electric toothbrush, dvds loads of clothes like jeans hoodies tshirts and I always have to search for sizes so thought goes into it. I could go on but you get the picture. Everytime I go into town I pick something up for him even if it's just a new shower gel or a pair of socks or boxers.

Then he said, and I kid you not, he wants someone who will look after him and not expect him to wash up and someone who will make his tea without moaning and bring him drinks while he watches his programmes, apparently I restrict what he can do because he can't always watch his programmes. Bear in mind he's at mine probably at least 4 nights out of 7 and has been for the past almost 4 years, so he's hardly a guest more of a lodger, I work, I wash his clothes that he leaves all over the floor, I get tea ready when he comes over even though I don't get in until 6 myself and have to sort a hungry grumpy ds out with tea and a bath and usually wash up the breakfast bowls. I make tea sometimes out of a jar but often something lovely from scratch. So I might then say would he mind washing up. He never does it properly anyway leaves food all over the plates. I also and this might sound stupid but a good sex life is important to me so I always have a shower when I get in and put on a tiny bit of make up and I'm always buying pretty underwear, think you get the picture. So where do I have time to be this domestic goddess too? So our evenings are like after sorting ds to bed and eating I might ask him to wash up or read ds a story, not bath just the story, that is all I ask of him. And most of the time I say leave the washing up and I get up earlier and do it in the morning before work. As for the tv all I like to watch is corrie and eastenders, which he asks to watch too, After that the remote control is his to watch what he wants if there's anything else I want to watch I record it and watch it when he's at home. I let him have my side of the bed and sometimes I even get up an hour earlier than I have to to make him a coffee in the morning.

But he has just told me he needs someone more domestic. Wtf? Is this what men are like these days don't even want to do a bit of washing up? I wouldn't even expect him to put a load of washing on or clean the bath, he once told me the bath cleans itself because it's always got water in. And this is the man who's mum goes in and cleans his house because she said he's disgusting, and made him buy some curtains and lampshades because he had a sheet up at the window.

sillymoomoo Sat 06-Oct-12 10:27:54

Oh by the way, after he accused me of never buying him anything and how he buys me everything (I admit he is generous with money), and I reminded him of a few of the things I've bought he said who's bought what doesn't matter confused

sillymoomoo Sat 06-Oct-12 10:31:56

Oh and he said last week when all this kicked off over him not speaking to ds I was heartless with no regard for his feelings. and all I cared about was ds.

DeadQODy Sat 06-Oct-12 10:32:04

Draw a line under it and walk away. You're worth so much more x

Well that discussion showed his true colours, didn't it? What a fucking twat. And you're still with him because?

This man has no respect for you. To quote the great sgb, he wants a domestic appliance with a vagina attachment. Forget LTB, DTF (dump the fucker)

PedanticPanda Sat 06-Oct-12 10:35:34

You've had a lucky escape! What he needs is a maid, or maybe he could move back in with his mum... What a tosser.

Thumbwitch Sat 06-Oct-12 10:37:11

So he wants a replacement mother and to never grow up or become a PROPER man.

Hope you said good bye and good luck - chances of him getting a woman like that = next to none in this day and age, what a shame, eh.

Just goes to show that sometimes doing a lot isn't enough - they always want more. I have a dear friend here who is a bit of a surrendered wife (not saying you are, btw) and all it has done has allowed her H to assume that he should be allowed to do whatever the fuck he likes, whenever he likes, and never have to do anything that he doesn't want to. They're in the process of breaking up as he has absolutely no concept of helping, taking responsibility, being a grown up, being a man.

Do him the favour of kicking him into touch - and you'll be doing yourself and your DS the biggest favour of all. smile

hopenglory Sat 06-Oct-12 10:37:23

Oh you have had such a lucky escape. Believe me you will look back on this and skip with joy at the thought that he is no longer part of your life

gymboywalton Sat 06-Oct-12 10:38:00

i9 hope you have kicked him into touch?

sillymoomoo Sat 06-Oct-12 10:38:41

We have actually split up tallwiv this was just kind of a post break up rant. Im just baffled at how someone can say stuff like that and completely deny all you've ever done. He won't aknowledge anything nice I've ever done. Does he have akshweal memory loss?

Thumbwitch Sat 06-Oct-12 10:42:29

Hurrah! Good riddance.

sillymoomoo Sat 06-Oct-12 10:49:40

thumbwitch that is exactly what I said I told him he should advertise for a maid.

I also said perhaps he needs to have a think about a realistic future and wished him luck with finding a pretty little domestic goddess that works, cooks cleans, brings him drinks while he watches his programmes and still has the energy for sexy underwear and bending over the bed and bouncing on his cock every night after all the cooking and cleaning. Sorry to be so crude but that's exactly how I put it to him. Because that is what I think.

He diverted then by saying the only way we can move forward is if we buy our own house together instead of living in two places. Which is what I've been asking for for ages now hmm so I just said leave you to it.

Just kind of in disbelief at the audacity. Be pissed with someone, but at least acknowledge their worth. For all his arseholeness I will never deny the nice things he has done maybe I'm just too optimistic.

Thumbwitch Sat 06-Oct-12 13:45:27

I think you have been too optimistic but now you've become far more realistic about things - hurrah!
I agree, nothing wrong in acknowledging the good things that an ex has done - but still being able to see that they are a complete an utter arsewankbadger who doesn't deserve your time of day is a benefit. grin

Onwards and upwards now! Hope you and your DS get over the loss of the loser fairly quickly and easily and have a lovely time together.

(can't believe he suddenly offered you the one thing you've been asking for - guess he thought he was "doing you a favour" by condescendingly finding a "way forward" for you all, hey - wanker!)

Whocansay Sat 06-Oct-12 14:31:46

He doesn't think you've broken up. He clearly expects you to acquiesce to his demands.

He berated you for putting your son first. You're a mother. You are supposed to do this!

He is a needy, chauvinist twat who cares for and thinks of no one but himself. Please tell him to fuck off and stop taking his calls / responding to texts. Can you imagine how damaging this would be for your son if you moved in with him?

Hope you're OK. Hold on to the anger!

LadySybildeChocolate Sat 06-Oct-12 14:35:28

I'm in full agreement with Thumb, he wants someone who's prepared to be his mother and wipe his arse. What a tosser!

Well done, silly! wine

itwasallyellow Sat 06-Oct-12 16:39:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm Sat 06-Oct-12 20:53:51

I also said perhaps he needs to have a think about a realistic future and wished him luck with finding a pretty little domestic goddess that works, cooks cleans, brings him drinks while he watches his programmes and still has the energy for sexy underwear and bending over the bed and bouncing on his cock every night after all the cooking and cleaning. Sorry to be so crude but that's exactly how I put it to him. Because that is what I think.

You can't hear me, but I am clapping right now. What a brilliant assessment!

He'll either find a very, very vulnerable and damaged person and destroy them, or he'll be a lonely, embittered asshole. I so very much hope it's the first. He genuinely does think the world should revolve around and cater to him. How scary.

Good luck with the rest of your life. And WELL DONE on getting shot of the creep.

He sounds like a dick

NeDeLaMer Sun 07-Oct-12 10:13:38

Bloody hell - what a total git.

Until now you haven't been my 'type' (female), but you sound brilliant to be in a relationship with, so maybe I'll have to rethink that one grin

Good fecking luck to him finding anyone to meet his exacting standards & actually also having a brain of their own & not being a complete and utter drip!! Maybe he should just move back in with his mother & buy a blow up doll??

Please please please don't let him talk you into getting back together - you and DS are worth a 100 of this tosspot. Don't think of it as 4 years wasted, think of it as a good lesson learnt!!

MissHuffy Sun 07-Oct-12 10:28:20

Only just seen this thread!

What a monumental arse! You are well rid.

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