Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

(615 Posts)
AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:04:33

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight shock she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:06:26

Sorry if that's a bit long and doesn't altogether make sense.

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Sep-12 23:08:01

Azz I'm so sorry to read this but please don't feel ashamed.

Kids will nearly always throw us a curve ball and a thread like this is a wake up call for all of us imo.

How old is the person she's texting? Do you know?

HolyAutumnGoldBatman Sat 22-Sep-12 23:08:10

Do you know how old the person texting her is? I couldn't make out.

I think age has got a lot to do with it in terms of getting the police involved etc.

Asmywhimsytakesme Sat 22-Sep-12 23:08:35

Agent - sure you will talk to her for starters and warn her very strenuously of the dangers of this. Install all internet safety devices and remove her private access for now.

Him? I would call the police tbh

lovebunny Sat 22-Sep-12 23:08:37

i thought this would be a wind-up. i'm sorry this has happened. do contact the police. give them the phone. they can reel him in.

Asmywhimsytakesme Sat 22-Sep-12 23:08:59

If he is an adult as I think you suspect.

Dawndonna Sat 22-Sep-12 23:09:18

Police. Sorry, no choice. We found out the 13 girl from Leicester was a 45 year old male dentist. Kid you not.

Leave the guilt until after you've sorted things. Oh, and now is the time to be graphic with her about what could happen. She will cry and be scared. Good!

RaisinDEtre Sat 22-Sep-12 23:09:41

Don't have a huge panic just yet

Hopefully someone will be along v soon to talk you through stuff

pinkteddy Sat 22-Sep-12 23:10:00

Oh god you poor thing. No advice about police but didn't want your post to go unanswered. There's a government website about this sort of thing - I will see if I can find it and post links. I wonder if you should tell her school? How did she find out about dating website?

lisad123 Sat 22-Sep-12 23:10:20

I would def call the police in on this, they have all sorts of tech stuff to track these people. Do not speak to her until police have advised as they may need a few days to gather stuff and she may alert him.
They are still so trusting at this age, it's not your fault, they still think everyone is who they say they are, and can't see bad in the world.

RaisinDEtre Sat 22-Sep-12 23:10:34

massive x posts
You are in capable hands

I would keep the phone and speak to the non emergency police tomorrow.

Unless he is 13/14 too (very unlikely) he is a nasty perv and yes, IMHO is grooming.

£10 PAYG from tesco for a good while. Bloody hell, it must give you the shivers.

Asmywhimsytakesme Sat 22-Sep-12 23:11:46

Dawn that is awful. sad did he get a prison sentence

Goldidi Sat 22-Sep-12 23:12:31

I would be calling the police I think. They should be able to trace him (not sure how easy that would be) and see if it really is a dodgy man or a teen who thought she was another teen.

And yes, speak to her about it and explain exactly why you are worried about her. She may well think you are over-reacting unless you spell it out that she may have been in danger from this man.

HolyAutumnGoldBatman Sat 22-Sep-12 23:12:37

'Unless he is 13/14 too (very unlikely)'

Why is it very unlikely? Genuine question.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:13:00

Oh FFS, DH is reading the texts now, and he thinks the person knows she's only 11.

It's from texts saying something like I fancied you when I thought you were 13, and I'm not that bothered you're 11.

From the way he texts DH reckons he's school age, and his photo looks young emo-ish.

akaemmafrost Sat 22-Sep-12 23:13:40

Well you've found out NOW that's what's important. I would call the police too.

pinkteddy Sat 22-Sep-12 23:14:51

ceop.police.uk/safetycentre/ this was the website I was thinking of. There's a link to make a report.

GetOrfAKAMrsUsainBolt Sat 22-Sep-12 23:15:06

Oh god I am sorry. What an utter nightmare.

I agree call the police for some guidance. Oh bugger I am not very useful but you have my sympathies. What a shock, and thank god you now know.

HolyAutumnGoldBatman Sat 22-Sep-12 23:15:36

If he's young as well then I really wouldn't call the police.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Sat 22-Sep-12 23:16:58

Yes don't assume the pic is actually of who she is talking to.

Asmywhimsytakesme Sat 22-Sep-12 23:17:05

If he is 13 then yes strict warning to him should be enough, but what if photo is not legit?

Sceptical me is saying it could be a fake photo and pervs are skilled in appearing younger.

Definately police.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:18:12

One of the texts says he's going to add her to his contacts on this dating site, which suggests their first contact wasn't from there doesn't it?

It's an android phone and the first one she's had the internet on, I thought she was just having fun downloading apps and stuff on it, DH is looking at what she's googled, and it's looking for WTF this bloke is talking about - like wanking/masturbating (which is fair game to want to know at 11) but also naked men, and then flowers sad

TheOneAndOnlyMaryZed Sat 22-Sep-12 23:18:15

It's really scary when this happens.

I saw some of dd's Facebook messages recently and got a hell of a fright. And talking to her, she just says "everyone does it" - sexy talk hmm.

I think if there is even a chance he knows she is 11 you have to ring the police. Because she (sadly) won't be the only child he is talking to.

You know, you are doing well - this has only been going on for two weeks, and you have found out. There are an awful lot of kids out there whose parents never find out.

avivabeaver Sat 22-Sep-12 23:18:16

you don't know that it is a genuine photo

you don't know if he is texting "like a young person" rather than being a young person.

i would involve the police.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Sat 22-Sep-12 23:18:21

that's what I said to wannabee.. Agent don't assume the picture is the real person.

Definitely go tto the police.

My cousin was in contact with somebody who was in his early twenties in primary school, met him through one of those popular preteen game sites! He knew she was young and was talking about similar things, she wasn't the only one either. She didn't realise that her school email could be looked at by the school (took them months to realise though hmm).

Notcybermum Sat 22-Sep-12 23:18:49

Might not be his photo. I did an online safety course and groomers often use fake photos. Even if it is his photo and he's a teen he needs to know his behaviours not on.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Sat 22-Sep-12 23:19:03

Get her to call him and take the phone...or call him yourself from DDs phone.

halcyondays Sat 22-Sep-12 23:19:15

It could be an older man using a photo of a young boy, a young looking photo
Doesn't prove anything.

No perv in their right mind would use pictures of themselves when talking to underage kids, they always pretend to be of similar age. Then they arrange to meet up.


Let the police deal with him!

Theas18 Sat 22-Sep-12 23:19:56

Install k9 on the tightest settings - she will need you to ok every site initially.

Take her contract sim - give her a p&g ( therefore a new number) and tbh I'd look very hard at getting a £5 phone with no camera or Internet - I know you wante her to have a"decent phone" for school but this has allowed grooming exchange of photos and, hopefully not but possibly videos too. If her phone has no net and no camera you are starting to protect her from abuse/ bullying in her own home and bedroom. sorry but 11yr olds need a reliable phone to txt and call. They don't need a "nice " phone.
Keep the phone and laptop downstairs at bedtime.
Agree now is the time to really put the frightened on her. She has been so lucky ou love and care enough to notice these things..a naff phone and pc lock down is not over reacting. Tell police and school too..

HolyAutumnGoldBatman Sat 22-Sep-12 23:20:25

Could she have met him at school if it wasn't through the dating website?

thornrose Sat 22-Sep-12 23:20:40

You need to terrify her. I recently talked to my, just, 13 year old about grooming. I also told her she may be encouraged to show her breasts on webcam and then the pictures will go on Facebook and she could be blackmailed to do more and more vile stuff. I also was fairly graphic in my description of paedophiles and what they actually do.
Dawndonna - I agree, she was scared - and yes, good.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:20:53

I agree about not taking him at face value, which is why I've put 'him' in inverted commas.

It doesn't make me feel much better, but I agree akae, I really think we've just caught this before it went too far.

GreenEyesAndHam Sat 22-Sep-12 23:21:29

Oh my good god, total nightmare and one that could easily happen to us too, as I also have an 11yo daughter and what sounds like just the same set up as regards to security, trust, open-ness etc.

That's supposed to give you some comfort that you are not the only ones that this could happen to, but it probably won't.

I'd advise going to the police as well, I think. I'm shit at advice though, sorry

akaemmafrost Sat 22-Sep-12 23:22:19

Is she on FB? Just an idea that you might be able to find out a bit more about him if they're friends on there too.

pinkteddy Sat 22-Sep-12 23:22:33

Agent the site I linked to up thread tells you what you need to do if you want to report this.

akaemmafrost Sat 22-Sep-12 23:22:45

Oh she's 11 of course she won't be. Ignore me.

ravenAK Sat 22-Sep-12 23:23:09

Definitely police.

If he turns out to be 13 himself, a bollocking about sending texts about masturbation to an 11yo strikes me as not undeserved. If he is an adult, he wants putting a stop to...unlikely to be the first/only girl he's grooming.

Agree £10 PAYG until dd has earned your trust back. Silly girl sad

BertieBotts Sat 22-Sep-12 23:23:16

Holy crap, yes, get the police involved. Even if it is a slightly older boy who is misunderstanding/naive himself it might make him think if the police turn up to have a word with him!

I've seen some people on here say that their preteens have phones/email but only on the condition that they know the passwords and can log in and check/read through at any time. The children are aware of this and if the passwords are changed then they lose access to the phone/internet. You could also extend this to being allowed to check the contacts and she has to tell you if she's putting a new contact into her phone, where she met them, how she knows them etc. A compromise if she needs the phone for school? Maybe she should be asking if she's allowed to make phone calls as well, it's hard to judge, mobile phones weren't around when I was 11 grin

Practically you can get him blocked by the network from contacting your DD or let the police deal with it, they may advise blocking via the phone or network anyway. Don't contact him yourselves as it may blur things.

Also agree try not to panic/be too hard on yourself. You DID notice in time and no serious harm was done.

DameFanny Sat 22-Sep-12 23:23:18

Oh you poor thing.

Would second (third, fourth etc) to involve the police - and if he is young himself, he'll get a bloody good scare.

But from what I remember of young teenagers, they were h the least likely to have a sexual interest in girls younger than them.

So sorry this is happening.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:24:05

She bloody is scared, she saw the look on my face when I found out!

It's just so quick, she's obviously more independent going to secondary and I thought it was doing her good because she was much less lippy at home and seemed to be happier.

Now I fucking know why.

QueenofJacksDreams Sat 22-Sep-12 23:24:27

Agent You're getting some brilliant advice on here stick to being safe and contact the police smile Its not your fault kids are sneaky little buggers trust me I can remember pulling the same sort of stunts without anyone knowing.

Sit DD down have a good long chat with her about what's happening and explain why its not safe for this to be happening.

Please don't feel ashamed she's 11 she's pushing the boundaries and at her age I always thought it was the coolest thing in the world to be able to brag I had a boyfriend even if I didn't understand half of it.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:24:40

And thanks so much for your posts, I/we really appreciate your time.

heyannie Sat 22-Sep-12 23:24:55

Don't feel like a terrible parent, and don't assume the worst either just yet, it will only make you feel worse. It could be chit chat between people two years apart in age rather than something more sinister, but obviously should be stopped. Luckily you have caught it in time to nip it in the bud.

And an 11 year old doesn't need an Android phone with generous allowances. An "ok" phone would be one that can make calls and send text messages, but this is by the by. You won't be a terrible parent if you get her an Alcatel brick, but she might accuse you of being one...

Fairenuff Sat 22-Sep-12 23:25:03

I would contact the police. They learn to use 'teen speak' and know what to say and how to say it. The photo could easily be fake. If it is just a teenager he should learn now that 11 is too young for that kind of talk. It might just frighten him off and teach him a good lesson.

Don't blame yourself. You have checked up on her now and you will keep her safe. Might not be best to go mad at her though, she's just an innocent victim, a child, but it might make her more careful and secretive in future. Maybe a police woman would speak to her?

SkinnyMarinkADink Sat 22-Sep-12 23:25:36

theas18 <<<<<<<<<<< Exactly as she says.

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Sep-12 23:27:45

Azz can you ring the number tomorrow from her phone and see how young/old he sounds?

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:28:12

Am I right to consider the effect any police involvement would have on her? She's naive and will know by the end of it how bad what she's done has been, but in a new school and she had trouble with bullying at primary which has followed her a bit to this one, I'm loathe to fuck her head up more.

But then if he is an older man on the look out to groom a child, he won't stop, and now we know we're complicit (is that the right word?) in him carrying on if we don't report him?

Goonatic Sat 22-Sep-12 23:28:17

Look at ceop website, how scary, very sorry for you.
It does sound like grooming, you DH is right but he mustn't alert the person u til you have had a chance to report them. Police too maybe?
Show her this in the morning, click on the top one

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:28:55

Even if he's 13/14 himself, his parents would want to know wouldn't they? I would.

TheOneAndOnlyMaryZed Sat 22-Sep-12 23:30:17

dd is 16.

She is a very sensible, mature (I thought), trustworthy, nice teenager. She has never done anything bad or wrong, she never lied to me, she never took drugs/drink/anything.

And then suddenly I catch her skyping (with pictures hmm) some guy she hardly knows.

I have no idea how she could be so stupid. And nor does she.

When I discussed it with her she ended up sobbing and shaking - she just didn't think it through.

Even at 16 she was so fucking innocent. And he was such a shit angry

lisad123 Sat 22-Sep-12 23:30:22

Police are used to dealing with children and will be very careful and make it clear none of this is her fault.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:30:43

Worra, DH wants to block his number and ring him now to see how old he sounds, but wouldn't that give whoever it is a head start? If we went to the police we'd have to say we've rung him.

heyannie Sat 22-Sep-12 23:31:00

If he is 13/14 he might be mortified and grow up a bit when his parents find out and the police give him a bollocking, so it can only be a good thing.

Goonatic Sat 22-Sep-12 23:31:51

Ps it still scares me now and I have watched it loads of times. It is exactly what she will need to see. You are a very aware mum!

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:32:05

Thanks for the links as well.

thornrose Sat 22-Sep-12 23:32:39

At a primary school I worked at the office got a call from a man claiming to be the uncle of a year 5 girl. The man informed the office that he was authorised to collect her from school that day. It all sounded very suspect and after calling her mum and confirming there was no such "uncle" we discovered that he was someone she had met on the internet. It was so scary it still sends shivers down my spine. It's so hard to believe your own child could be at risk if you think you have been careful.

TheOneAndOnlyMaryZed Sat 22-Sep-12 23:33:01

Sorry, x-posted.

Call the police. If he is an older man, you might have stopped something really bad happening to a child.

If he is 13/14, they won't arrest him, and it will do him no harm to realise that he needs to be more careful/sensible.

If your dd is doing it for the same reason dd is (lack of confidence, wanting to be admired at school, wanting to be one of the in-crowd) it won't actually make any difference if you call the police or not.

Can you spend some time/get her to talk to someone to realise that she is worth so much more than this (something I'm struggling with for dd, tbh).

Ullena Sat 22-Sep-12 23:33:33

Police, just go to the police with this! Avoid contacting whoever it is as you could risk tipping them off that something has been found out iyswim.

QueenofJacksDreams Sat 22-Sep-12 23:33:38

Agent I don't think the police involvement is going to mess with her head especially if you take the time out to sit down and talk with her about why you're having to do this but I understand why you're worried. Let her know how much this scared you and why its wrong that its fine to have boys as friends but when things take a sexual turn she needs to come and talk to you. You're her protector, you're there for her just keep reinforcing that.

If he's 13/14 I would want to know so I could put a stop to the behaviour before he gets himself into more trouble and does something that he'll regret for the rest of his life. It may be that he's an immature child but he needs to know its wrong maybe he doesn't have parents as worried for him as you are for your DD and not teaching him the rules as well. Its better that he learn them now then end up hurting someone and with a jail sentence for naivety.

Shakey1500 Sat 22-Sep-12 23:33:45

Crikes Agent what a bolt. Yes, I agree with playing safe, keeping the phone and contacting the police.

PopOozeTheFastest Sat 22-Sep-12 23:33:46

Oh dear. I really feel for you & your DD.

My best friend recently told that me that her DD (my god-daughter) had been caught exchanging VERY explicit text messages with someone who claimed to be a 30 yr old man from Oregon. DGD is 13, and has been very open about her age. There are even texts saying things like "god, you are so mature for 13. Can't wait to you". I kid you not. The police are investigating, (much to DSD's embarrassment, but it has to be done) and strongly suspect that the man is much closer than Oregon!

petrifiedperson Sat 22-Sep-12 23:34:46

You've caught it in time. She hasn't been hurt. That's the main thing. And it isn't your fault!

I would definitely involve the police.

wine and thanks for you, you must feel shattered

Dawndonna Sat 22-Sep-12 23:35:00

Please don't ring him. If he is 'dodgy' he'll just move onto somebody else. Leave it to the police. Text him and tell him it's bedtime so that he doesn't get suspicious, if you don't want to call the police tonight. Otherwise, just call them now. They really won't mind.

FreudiansGoldSlipper Sat 22-Sep-12 23:35:55

You have to report this. You can not be watching her all the time, its difficult you want to give your children some freedom to allow them to grow up yet there are so any dangers o nthe Internet

I agree even if he is young this kind of talk is disturbing and his parents should know

ImASpecialSnowflake Sat 22-Sep-12 23:37:18

I haven't read the whole thread just the first page. I would involve the police. If it turns out to be a teenage boy then perhaps he will be lucky to get a good warning about appropriate behaviour but if it isn't...

My neice is 17 now but when she was 14 she became "involved" (despite what her parents thought was super strict supervision) with a 'boy' on a social networking site who had sent pictures of 'himself'. He tripped himself up, I won't say anymore but he turned out to be a man of 27.

I wouldn't risk NOT involving the police.

puds11 Sat 22-Sep-12 23:39:06

Oh my god Agent i can't imagine how you feel. I have a DD and this sort of thing really puts the shits up me.

I would re-enforce to her its not her fault, and maybe try (without scaring the shit out of her) why your concerned ie. say your worried he might not be who says he is, could really be a girl, older etc. without saying he could be grooming her.

Is there anyway you could text him in the same style as her and try and glean some more info?

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:40:22

I've been through the internet rules with her on and off since she first started using it, they go through it at school, and if either of these didn't go in, I would have thought (before tonight) that she'd have the nous to know that what she was doing is wrong and dangerous.

She says she hasn't given out our address, but if she thought it was OK to text this bloke what else has she done?

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:41:20

And the stories about similar happening are frightening, you think it's something far away, prepare for it not to be, but never actually think your DC would do it.

Tigglette Sat 22-Sep-12 23:42:19

It's definately worth contacting the police, regardless of the age of the person your dd's been contacting, she's only 11 which means sexualised contact would automatically be considered an offence. If it's someone close to her own age it's likely police would explore what supports they might need as well as what they've done so you wouldn't necessarily be bringing trouble to their door. If its an older teen or adult the police would take appropriate action but you don't know what you'd be getting into contacting them direct.

There's some excellent stuff out there re the dangers of Internet contact and grooming - have a look at thinkuknow.com or ceop, the childline website has some very good resources re online safety as well as a secure message board if she wanted to get some peer support for what is surely a sore learning for her. Well done on catching it so early.

lovebunny Sat 22-Sep-12 23:44:05

you really must contact the police, and not contact or block the man/boy yourself. the police take this stuff seriously - boys are on the sex offenders register for similar things. it isn't 'just' texts - they have a sexual content and have led to her exploring sexual topics she hadn't thought of before. it already has 'gone too far'. she needs to know what she's left herself open to. she might need help afterwards. you might, too.

racetobed Sat 22-Sep-12 23:45:30

Agent, why on earth are you blaming yourself for this?

This man is grooming your child. It is a precursor to child sexual exploitation and it is listed as an offence in the 2003 Sexual Offences Act.

You need to report it to CEOP immediately. They are hyper responsive and will take action.

This is in no way your fault, or your daughter's fault. This man is a criminal. CEOP. NOW

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Sep-12 23:46:08

Worra, DH wants to block his number and ring him now to see how old he sounds, but wouldn't that give whoever it is a head start? If we went to the police we'd have to say we've rung him.

You'd have every right to tell the police you've rung him to hear his voice and try to ascertain whether he's an adult or a child.

They would definitely understand this.

But I'd do it tomorrow and not at this time of night when you're both obviously stressed out.

LadySybildeChocolate Sat 22-Sep-12 23:46:34

You really do need to contact the Police and let them look into this further. This 'boy' could be chatting to more than one child. What a shock for you and your DH sad

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Sep-12 23:47:15

This man is grooming your child. It is a precursor to child sexual exploitation and it is listed as an offence in the 2003 Sexual Offences Act

What man?

For all the OP knows it could be a child the same age or even younger than her DD claimed to be?

racetobed Sat 22-Sep-12 23:48:40

Unfortunately, not many police forces are very good at following up grooming offences, so dialling 999 is not necessarily going to get you the urgency or specialist response you need. Whereas CEOP are TOTALLY on it and will respond.

Please call them. As Lady says, he could be doing it - and much worse - to somebody's else's child.

LadySybildeChocolate Sat 22-Sep-12 23:51:50

Even if it's a younger child, Worra, it still needs investigating. It's not a risk worth taking.

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Sep-12 23:52:18

Can we just calm down here?

No-one should be thinking of dialling 999

Obviously the OP should speak to the police for advice and I do think tomorrow she should withold her number and check if the voice sounds like a boy or a man.

But lets not get silly here and worry the fuck out of the OP by assuming her DD has been in touch with an adult when it could well be a child younger than herself...or at least younger than she pretended to be.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:55:31

I'm surprised at how many posters don't think this is my fault, I don't mean this in a 'woe is me' way, but I am ultimately responsible for her as a young child, and I'm very aware of internet security and don't like the net and RL ever coming together.

She knows this, but has obviously got something from her interaction with this person. By the looks of the texts it's about her finding out about stuff I would have found out hanging about at the local meeting place with my mates, but it's not the same set up here.

It's not that I masochistically want a flaming, but I know I'm the one who could have monitored it closer (and the worse bit is I can't really work out how to use her phone, I've tried but keep ending up making it 'do things' but not know what I've done).

Don't ring, don't text just give the phone to the police and let them deal with it. It could be another child, it could be an adult. Either way I think you have a responsibility to tell the police, if it's an adult the next child he contacts may not be so lucky to have parents who check what they are doing.

LadySybildeChocolate Sat 22-Sep-12 23:55:48

No one's said to call 999. There is a non emergency number. I don't think Agent or her DH should call, if this person thinks someone's on to him he's likely to run a mile. Given the content of the text messages, it's unlikely to be a younger child.

FreudiansGoldSlipper Sat 22-Sep-12 23:56:40

Oh yes Worra the voice of reason and let's not jump to conclusions it could all be so innocent hmm

The fact is many men are grooming children this is how they do it, even if he is 13 or 14 he should not be sending her such texts it has to be reported and dealt with

LadySybildeChocolate Sat 22-Sep-12 23:57:52

It's not your fault, Agent. It's so easy to get complacent because we trust our children. Any one of us could be in the situation that you've found yourself in now.

LizzieVerekerGold Sun 23-Sep-12 00:00:00

Report it to CEOP, that's what they're there for. They will know the best course of action depending on this boy/man's age. There are also some really good short films on the CEOP website which you can watch with your daughter, they're clear enough to make her understand what this sort of contact can lead to, but without traumatising her.

Of course it's not your fault, it's very upsetting for you all though.

GoldenBabooshka Sun 23-Sep-12 00:01:21

Agent the same thing happened to me when I was 12.

I agree with Worra that you need to keep calm (hard I know).

That way you will get as much information as possible. If my parents had called the police I would have froze up and protected myself and him as much as possible.

Find out where she originally met him before she joined the dating site.

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Sun 23-Sep-12 00:03:00

I agree with Lady Sybil. Its not your fault Agent. Dh bought me a smartphone for my birthday 3 months ago and i still dont know how to use all the features properly.
i also think its unlikely to be a young child. Like others have said you could ask the police for advice and then they will be made aware of it. Please dont blame yourself x

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 00:05:04

FreudiansGoldSlipper I agree with both points in your post

Firstly I agree with your (albeit sarcastic) point that we shouldn't jump to conclusions...because that won't help the OP.

Secondly I agree with the fact that many men are grooming children this is how they do it, even if he is 13 or 14 he should not be sending her such texts it has to be reported and dealt with.

I'm quite sure the OP and her DH will get to the bottom of this with the help of the Police.

But I don't agree with the poster who assumed it was a man because it could quite easily not be.

edam Sun 23-Sep-12 00:06:21

Oh Agent, that must be sending shivers down your spine. Thank heavens you caught it now. Agree re. calling the police - and specifically CEOPS. I wouldn't contact him yourself, that could give him time to cover his tracks before the police get in touch.

CouthyMowWearingOrange Sun 23-Sep-12 00:06:59

But as the man (or boy) said he would ADD her to his contacts on the dating site, that does lead me to believe that it could be somebody she has met at school.

The problem with that is, if the school goes up to Y11, some of the boys will be 16, and having conversations about masturbation and wanking with a 11 year old IS grooming in that case. And subsequent messages made it plain that the man/boy has knowledge that the OP's DD IS only 11.

If the school has a 6th form, then it could be someone who has just or is just about to turn 18.

And there IS still a chance that it IS an over 18 sending these messages.

IMO, I would contact CEOPS.

Though that wasn't the action I took when an obviously full grown adult in his 20's sent a VERY explicit message on fb to my DD when she was 13 (and obviously 13 at that) - (he wasn't on her friends list) - I C&P'd it to his wall and left a comment asking if he was a pervert who enjoyed getting off to little girls, and that if he ever messages my DD again, I would report him to the police. Funnily enough, he never bothered DD again, especially as all his friends got to see his message.

I don't advise this course of action, but I didn't know about CEOPS at the time. And I was fucking fuming.

SoleSource Sun 23-Sep-12 00:08:29

The other person could also be a girl.

GoldenBabooshka Sun 23-Sep-12 00:08:31

And of course it's not your fault, just like it wasn't my parents fault.

They checked everything but I still managed it (MSN messenger).

When they found out and went crazy I rang my best friend and gave her my password so she could delete everything.

heyannie Sun 23-Sep-12 00:09:07

It's not your fault. It is your job to safeguard your child but I was always outsmarting my mother when I was 11. If the internet had been around 15 years ago I would probably have been doing the same as your daughter. They can be naive yet smart. I imagine thousands of teens and pre-teens get involved with this kind of chat, very rarely does it end up in tragedy. Of course it happens and people should be vigilant and careful, and grooming should be punished, but you shouldn't wind yourself up thinking the worst. It could all be innocent, but even if it isn't, you have caught it before anything awful happens to your daughter, and now have the chance to help the police to investigate and protect others.

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 00:10:50

Absolutely Sole that happened to my best friend's DD

She was in contact with someone who she thought was a boy for months...explicitly chatting and swapping photos with a so called 'boy', when it turned out to be a 24yr old woman.

GoldenBabooshka Sun 23-Sep-12 00:12:12

Jesus Worra that's horrible.

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 00:15:22

It was horrible Golden and more so because my friend had actually chatted on MSN with 'him' and accepted 'his' fake facebook account when 'he' sent her a friend request sad

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 00:20:18

I'm not a raving paedo hunter, but I know more than I feel comfortable with about how these types of people operate.

I would never make it obvious, but I'm watchful of who she has contact with and how that interaction plays out.

So to know that I watch and have still missed a possible flag is a bit worrying.

There's only been positive changes since she's been at the school, which I was relieved about.

I know it could be anyone using that phone, but of all the scenarios on here that people have suggested, not one of them is a plausible and legitimate reason for anyone to be sending stuff like that to an 11 YO.

GoldenBabooshka Sun 23-Sep-12 00:22:25

It just proves the point that Agent, like the rest of us can only do so much when it comes to protecting our kids.

Other than banning them from the internet which is impossible for most of us.

I hope your friend and her DD are alright now Worra. sad

rhondajean Sun 23-Sep-12 00:23:11

Zigzag a big hug for you.

This is sadly so common - but you have found it quickly. It's natural to want to trust your child. It's heartbreaking when you realise you can't.

But remember she is only a little girl too. She's messed up - but she's still a child.

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 00:24:28

Even when your friend was inside her daughters virtual world with her worra, she still couldn't stop someone slipping through.

That is scary.

She couldn't have done any more, apart from stopping her from going on the net, which just isn't feasible however much you want it to be.

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 00:26:23

So to know that I watch and have still missed a possible flag is a bit worrying

You took your eye off the ball because there are other things going on in your everyday life and you trust your DD.

You won't be the first or the last person whose trust was taken advantage of by their child.

I bet you took advantage of your parent's trust at times? I know I certainly did.

Golden they're fine now thank you...it made the pair of them much wiser.

pigletmania Sun 23-Sep-12 00:35:30

Really agent you need to assume the worse that he s an adult man grooming and contact the police, tomstopmhim ding the same to other kids. You need to change your computer password and get your dd a Payg hone without Internet access

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 00:37:28

She couldn't have done any more, apart from stopping her from going on the net, which just isn't feasible however much you want it to be

Absolutely it's not feasible which is why you and your DH should not be blaming yourself.

I think it's helpful to view internet chat forums/facebook etc as the local park/teenage hangout.

Our parents would never have been privy to the conversations we had with boys or friends in private/at the park...if they were we would have died of shame.

But now we have electronic media, it's worse than coming across a private written diary for example, because you've come across an actual two way conversation and photos etc...

I'm not saying you should't worry about it or have the Police investigate it, but what I am saying is, please try to think back to how you were at that age...or at the age of 13 or so - given the fact kids grow up faster nowadays.

Sadly I suspect this is 'normal' to so many kids her age..both male and female.

My parents were so worried about the "normal" hanging out places they basically kept me prisoner all of my teenage years.

The one thing I had was my phone and the internet. I made a lasting friendship with someone that way. A genuine boy my age.

But I was groomed aswell. I ended the worst way it could have. My parents never knew and still dont. They didnt trust me so much that I became secretive as a result.

So this slipped past your radar. But you caught it now before it got worse and you are figuring out what to do. Your daughter is so lucky to have you and your DH as parents.

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 00:53:56

DH has found much worse on her internet history, I think she's visited these sites, things like gay porn, hot sex and crazy sex positions on comopolitan, best masturbation tips.

I can't believe the stuff that's turning up as we look.

Looking at the first sites she visited when she got the phone, this dating site is one of them. That says she knew about it before she got the phone doesn't it?

As I was waiting for the site to open up at first, I was thinking how I was going to tell DH how she'd been spammed by this email from the dating site, just in case he saw it on my history and thought it was me using it!

LadySybildeChocolate Sun 23-Sep-12 00:57:01

You need to talk to her and try to find out how long she's been chatting to this person. Her internet history should give you dates of when she was looking at the sites, was it before she had the phone? It's possible that this person guided her to the sites, it's hard to say though.

TheOneAndOnlyMaryZed Sun 23-Sep-12 01:00:52

It's crazy, really.

We can't keep our children safe from all this shit. Because if we trust them, they can abuse that trust [bitter] and if we don't trust them and watch them all the time they feel resentful and just get good at hiding stuff.

I don't know what the answer is.

And if dd (the most trustworthy and sensible teenager on the planet) can get caught up in this type of thing, then I dunno. I give up.

Actually, I don't give up, but I do feel pretty hopeless about it all sad.

Triffiddealer Sun 23-Sep-12 01:03:22

OP - when my DS was 10 I caught him looking for porn on the internet. Although I'm quite savvy, I just hadn't clicked that he'd be doing that because he's a bit geeky and not at all interested in girls. I just hadn't understood how different the world is now.

Since then, I've password protected all the PCs and got massive parental protection options in place on all our computers. I bought my DS an Ipod touch recently and disabled the internet. He's complained and I feel bad about it, but ultimately that's tough. A 13-year-old (now) doesn't need 24/7 access to the internet, however much they think they might do.

If I were you, I would ring the police for advice, but ultimately, please don't beat yourself up about this happening. You stopped anything serious from occurring. She's 11 and won't be making those mistakes at 13/14, which could lead to far more damaging consequences. Be glad you were on the ball and responsible enough to pick it up when you did.

That all sounds like curiosity. This person has been talking about it to her and she has tried to figure it out to not come across so young.

I think you need to get advice from someone wrt speaking to her about all this. She needs to know its serious but at the same time not be so embarrassed/put off that she stops coming to you about things and starts actively concealing things.

thornrose Sun 23-Sep-12 01:05:29

You said earlier she didn't know what masturbation was and had asked you. If she's looked at best masturbation tips it seems likely she does know? This is all a bit worrying for an 11 year old!

GoldenBabooshka Sun 23-Sep-12 01:07:07

Could she be showing off to her friends?

GoldenBabooshka Sun 23-Sep-12 01:08:20

As in "Look at this, eww"

Maybe it went too far?

deleted203 Sun 23-Sep-12 01:09:27

Call the police immediately. You need to protect your 11 yo child from whoever is sending her texts about masturbation and other such disturbing material. I don't care if it is a 13 yo boy - you are not responsible for him. If it is another teen then they need the fear of God put in them by the police - he clearly knows she is 11. If it's an older man they need locking up. Good luck.

Agent - I can't do it now as on iPhone and in bed, but I will post some useful links with you tomorrow so marking my place. I am a secondary school teacher and e-safety person in my school so hopefully can point you in direction of resources to help you feel confident about dealing with this and moving forward into the future, because as you know 'banning' her from the Internet is going to be impossible in real life do she needs to know how to use it appropriately instead.

For now if you think it needs reporting to police then do so via CEOP. You could also report to the website itself if you think there has been a breach of their terms and conditions or rules.

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 01:14:50

It's a case of when 2 YO DD goes quiet in another room, I know she's up to something.

But I thought DD1s quiet was just me feeling weird about not seeing her as much, walking to school etc.

I'm not sure about her friends knowing at school, something to ask her about I think.

The persons photo is on her phone too, so if the police want it they've got it there. Doesn't look like she's sent any pictures of herself to him, thank fuck. Only a photo of a picture of when she was about 5/6 (through the email add), so he might have a vague idea of what she looks like.

thornrose Sun 23-Sep-12 01:16:52

I'm just remembering something my 13 yo dd told me, that her 12 yo friend knew about blowjobs because she had googled the Tulisa "sex tape" which was all over the media. I imagine that would open up links to all sorts.
I'm also aware that I was curious about sex at about this age so maybe this new internet history is not too worrying. It's in conjunction with the direct contact/texting that it seems more sinister.

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 01:18:21

Thanks to the people pointing us towards CEOP, I would have had no idea about them else.


Yes you must call the police
You may be able to call the number tomorrow some time, (saying you must have got the wrong number before hanging up) and get an idea of how old this person is but some boys can have deep voices ect so this may not work well/and/or you may well lose your temper and alert him to something being wrong.

The internet searches, well, it sounds like your DD has heard a few words that she hadn't before so has gone off googling them so she doesn't feel left behind her peers (i say this assuming she knows or thinks this lad is a little older than her and things he knows about and discusses are therefore important things to know, in her mind)

Tomorrow either visit the local police or dial them on 101 you and DD will be treated kindly don't worry and you won't be judged. You may just have saved someone even if not just DD, from this person if he is not who he is claiming to be.

I don't want to worry you, but this will possibly open up a new awareness of things in your Dd's mind and you may have to speak to her about stuff other than what she wants for christmas ect, not being candid, but it will be painful and you'll feel angry that her innocence was tainted in such a way.
I am sorry you're going through this sad

Big unmumsnetty (((hugs)))

nannyof3 Sun 23-Sep-12 01:52:04

U need to sit down with ur daughter, dont be angry and try to hide any feelings .

Talk to her about being safe, unwanted touching and talking, print of some 'child friendly' useful info on things like safe sex and mastubation, relationships and the dangers of dating sites and stranger awareness. Leave them in her room so she can read them in her room in private but just make sure she knows ur there for her.

Shes not really doing anything wrong and prob finds the whole thing abit fun, its part of growing up.. Yes, shes only 11 but kids grow up way to fast these days.

I would also print off a helpline sheet of useful numbers like childline and anti bullying websites, i know this seems strange but some children prefer to talk to people they dont know..

Its hard to even think about because ur daughter is a baby but u need to try and find out if she is experimenting and if she is u need to take her to family planning.. Leave info out about sti's and some condoms out for her..

Before someone says it 'no' ur not encouraging her, u are just forward thinking and being supportive and u dont want her pregnant or left with a sti... Yep, worse case scenerio, but u just never know...

Please please please just be supportive of ur daughter

thornrose Sun 23-Sep-12 02:05:23

nanny - You really believe an 11 yo is "experimenting", and needs condoms?

nannyof3 Sun 23-Sep-12 02:08:49

Yes i do.... Why not ?????

11 year old do have sex ! Fact

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 02:09:26

We've talked about stuff as it's come up, she's into Jacqueline Wilson/twilight so isn't completely sheltered.

I've done all the things in your first paragraph nanny, been 'relaxed' in an attempt to not put her off when she's come to me about things like suicide, the disablist and racist things she was hearing at school, what's going on with her body etc.

Maybe these things just aren't something you want your mum to know you're wondering about.

I'm definitely seeing the talk I've got to have tomorrow morning as a fact finding mission rather than the mother of all bollockings. She was as white as a sheet when I asked her about the site.

I appreciate the posters who've stuck up for DD and reminded me she's (partly) innocent in this.

thornrose Sun 23-Sep-12 02:19:18

But surely it's still a rarity for 11 year olds? I've worked as a mentor in a very tough innercity London school and even there sex among 11 year olds wasn't an issue. What is your experience of 11 year olds having sex?

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 02:28:37

Handing her some condoms and saying 'be safe' probably wouldn't be an approach I'd take if I suspected she was.

And I don't suspect.

But then I'm hardly the one to take an accurate guess given tonight, doing that would feel too much like encouragement though.

I sort of agree with nanny
Everything these days is so sexualised and rubbed in kids faces, adverts ect. And they can so easily access things online even with parental controls, if they don't they sure will hear things in the playground from kids who do have access to these things unsupervised.

The amount you tell them and age appropriateness of it all will differ from parent and child to parent and child.

I was forced to tell my children things i wanted to leave until they were at the very least preteens or early teens, because of what happened to DD and DS1. It devastated me, but now, we are all very open about sex, not details, DD felt able to ask me about contraception, to pick her up some condoms when i was at the doctors, and when she was 15 and in FC and sleeping with her boyfriend which i was not happy about but still i was the one she asked for information on where to get family planning.

DS knows about periods, sexual diseases, contraception and how to use it PROPERLY, he has done from the age of about 11, sexual disease chat came later though, he was 12 when he asked me about it, and my ethos is, old enough to ask, old enough to know.

I feel i have prepared them sufficiently to practise safe sex and haven't demonised it in any way.
However i would never presume to expect another parent should do what i have.

I don't want to push my kids in the direction of having sex with everyone who will lay down with them, but i want them safe, and equipped with the knowledge they need and from me, not through t'internet or playground whispers. And i know they aren't afraid to ask me about anything, and get a straight and candid answer. They don't seem embarrassed at all thank god. Its one of the tightropes you have to walk as a parent, sadly.

Oh and the only instances of 11 year olds having sex that i know of, are kids whose parents give not a shit about there whereabouts or goings on, feel unloved and equate sex with love. And are very ill equipped with the above knowledge.

thornrose Sun 23-Sep-12 02:40:05

Agent, reading between the lines I wouldn't suspect for one minute that you need to be handing out condoms. I think your dd has gone down a scary path. I suspect she's got out of her depth and will be scared and probably mortified. She will be thankful for an adult to get her out of this mess. That's where you come in. I think you need to find out what she knows and thinks about this situation before you add anything. Try to keep an open mind and don't assume anything (easier said than done I know)

I hasten to add that i impress on DS1 that i would very much prefer it if he will wait until he is 16 and over before he has sex and to choose carefully who he decides to lose his virginity to, hopefully he is in a loving relationship, but thats out of my control, i can only be his guide on that, sadly.

I also tell him i'll throttle him if he makes me a nanny before i'm 40 grin

x posted with thornrose and i agree with every bit of her post too smile

thornrose Sun 23-Sep-12 02:46:14

Things - I take your point. I think that the 11 year olds that are having sex are still far from "the norm". Thank god!

Mandz07 Sun 23-Sep-12 03:33:36

I seriously think the best thing you can do is contact the police at the the end if the day it's the only way you are truly going to find out if this is some silly little boy having a laugh or heaven forbid it is a nasty vile man trying to groom your daughter. Personally I would have to call the police what's the worst that can happen if you do ? They speak to your daughter about the dangers of the Internet and she hopefully doesn't do it again and if it is another teenager they get a bollocking from the police. The dangers if you don't are far worse if it someone grooming and you haven't reported it then next time someone else's daughter may not be so lucky. Unfortunately my family has been through this ( not one on my DC'S) and that family member was not one of the lucky ones. Hope everything works out well for you all xx

CaliforniaLeaving Sun 23-Sep-12 04:10:54

You do need to contact the Police about this. My friends 11 year old did something very similar, it went on for a few months. Turns out the Police are set up for this. They tracked him and paid him a visit. He was posing as a teen boy. He was a man in his mid 20's no record, the police scared the crap out of him. Can't remember if he got arrested for sending picks of his bits. Friends Dd had to go through some counseling sessions as it really shook her up, she was so convinced he was just a teen. She is now 13 and is monitored online and hasn't joined anything online since.

sashh Sun 23-Sep-12 05:55:56

Another vote for the police.

Agent it is not your fault and your daughter is entirely innocent. Yes she has been on a website, but everything else is someone manipulating her.

I think the thing these days is that it is normal to chat to strangers online. That's what we are doing here. Thats what teens do. We and they don't see it as 'stranger danger'.

You need to talk to her, she needs to know how people can be manipulated.

Whether this is a 14 year old, a woman, a man, a 60 year old doesn't matter. This behaviour is at the least innapropriate.

And it's not just your daughter. Someone doing this is not just chatting to one person, there will be others.

LividDil Sun 23-Sep-12 06:35:20

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to add to the advice that you CALL THE POLICE AND ALSO CALL CEOPS.
A similar thing happened to my 11 yo son. He met a random stranger on hotmail, and started communicating with "her" and her "female" cousin. They weren't texting but they were video chatting only the "cousins" claimed their webcams didn't work.
I only found out when a skype message popped up on my phone and I unravelled the whole thing. I reported it to CEOPS and the local police and it was CEOPS which investigated it. I never found out exactly what happened but they confirmed it was one individual posing as the 2 girls.
Resist the temptation to contact the guy, let the police/CEOPs get involved without him having any pre-warning.
I agree with ThornRose that your DD has got in far deeper with this than she ever intended and will be glad that you are stepping in to manage the situation.

pigletmania Sun 23-Sep-12 07:28:14

Nanny she is a child it's illegal. Noway should a parent be encouraging it. I most certainly would not

milkymocha Sun 23-Sep-12 07:32:30

The same thing happened to me at 12, i knew the person in RL but the majority of our relationship was through email/text.
It was a person in a position of trust, not a teacher but someone on par. This may be the case of your DD?

Only now as a mother i can appericiate how upsetting this would be for a mother!

pigletmania Sun 23-Sep-12 07:44:03

I agree livid

McKayz Sun 23-Sep-12 07:44:38

Bloody hell Nanny you're mad!!! Leave out condoms for an 11 year old. You're not meant to encourage them.

Agent, I hope you get it all sorted out and your DD is ok.

OnlyWantsOne Sun 23-Sep-12 08:14:47

OP are you going to call the police & CEOPS

pigletmania Sun 23-Sep-12 08:17:22

Highly irresponsible to give a preteen ( not even a teen) who is 5 years below the legal limit a packet of condoms and tell them to get on with it. There are far better ways of getting the message across

pigletmania Sun 23-Sep-12 08:19:07

A parent at that age should be encouraging the child to wait, sex is for adults and happens in loving ADULT relationships

GrannyRat Sun 23-Sep-12 08:22:32

OP, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. 11 is way too young for a child to be visiting any of the sites you mentioned. The internet really can be a poisoned challice, certainly where children are concerned.

Just a quick question you may wish to ask your DD, something that's concerning me. Why did she email a photo of herself when she was 5 or 6 years old? Was she asked to? It seems a little odd to me that she'd want to send a photo of her much younger self when her conversations and online behaviour, clearly, reflect that of an older person.

My very best wishes to your family. I'll be sticking with this thread - keep talking.

gettingeasier Sun 23-Sep-12 08:22:42

This thread is a massive wake up call to me and the fact that my 13yo DD is not checked up on by me apart from asking my DB to look over her FB from time to time

I am waiting for madamepoirot (?) to come back today with links and advice and will be speaking to my DD later about all this

Thankyou for this thread and DO NOT blame yourself for this its bloody impossible trying to keep on top of everything

WofflingOn Sun 23-Sep-12 08:26:43

'I'm surprised at how many posters don't think this is my fault, I don't mean this in a 'woe is me' way, but I am ultimately responsible for her as a young child, and I'm very aware of internet security and don't like the net and RL ever coming together'

Because a similar situation could happen to any of us at any time, because your default setting is to trust your children, because you did what you thought best.
And because now you know what is going on, you are trying to resolve it in the best way possible, with your prime thought being for your daughter's welfare, safety and happiness.
That all comes across as good parenting to me.

bionicmummy Sun 23-Sep-12 08:34:12

omg, but don't feel bad, I remember being 16 and using chat rooms and all sort of stuff got emailed to me sad

Definitely contact the police, don't contact the man (which it definitely is), let him think everything is ok. Maybe even see if you can trick him into giving his address and name? eg, can we meet somewhere...and get the police to go!

The police will be able to trace him from the emails and texts, and by speaking to your DD.

CailinDana Sun 23-Sep-12 08:42:48

There's no point in saying a child of a certain age is "too young" to look at various sites - if they're curious, they'll look and they're not going to think "Oops I'm too young I'd better go and play on CBeebies instead."

I do think a lot of adults forget how it is to be 11 years of age - it's a horrible awkward time where outwardly you're a child but inwardly hormones are starting to surge and you're becoming aware of this whole other world you've been "protected" from for the first part of your life. If we were all honest, and could remember clearly, the vast majority of us would admit that at 11 we would have started sneakily taking a peek at sites that were off limits but that contained snippets of information that we were curious about. Hiding information, making out a child is too "young" or "innocent" is ridiculous - that's not going to stop them, it just makes them more secretive and ashamed. It puts them in a place where they do things like this - try to get information from older people who will share the information they want, but with ulterior motives that they're not aware of.

I'm not saying children should be bombarded with information but to me looking up things about masturbation at age 11 seems very very normal. I'm pretty sure I was masturbating at that age (or by 12 at any rate) and I know that my mother's prudish attitude meant that I did engage in some risky behaviour that would have been unnecessary if topics like this hadn't been so taboo.

Children don't need to shielded from sex, or sexual ideas. Sex in itself is not wrong or dirty or bad. What they do need is to be informed, and taught about people who will use them to get thrills. For them to understand that they need understand what those thrills actually are, no sugar coating, no pussyfooting. Children are curious about sex but where their naivite comes into play is in their dealings with other people. At that age they still don't understand how people can take advantage of others, they don't understand the power plays, the manipulation and the deceit that can go on. Banning them from thinking about or wondering about sex is just pointless. What they need is guidance on how to get the information they want safely and on how to protect themselves from people who will use their natural mix of curiosity and naivite against them.

Whatever you do Agent, I would urge you not to make your daughter feel ashamed of what she's done. She clearly doesn't realise the danger, and in her mind was doing something exciting and fun. Yes, she went behind your back, but she did that for a reason and rather than coming down on her like a ton of bricks you need to find out what that reason was so you can help her rather than pushing her away.

Pavlovthecat Sun 23-Sep-12 08:44:13

agent have read about half the thread, and am repeating what most have said,

1. it is not your fault. someone who grooms a young child is very clever at deceiving and teaching others to do the same, the grooming appears to the child entirely innocent, they take advantage of the youth, inexperience, and naivity of a child. It is not your dd's fault, she has no idea that this could be a dangerous person, she is developing her identity, testing boundaries, and most of the time, this would be boundaries that would involve you having words and that is all. before internet and mobile phones, she may have been 'caught' snogging a boy. It is a big thing at her age of becoming a young women (starting the process of, not being one) for a boy of the opposite sex to be attracted to her. And to her, this is the level she is at. She would not know that a 'young boy' could be a man pretending, she would not even think about it.

2. You MUST tell the police. IF this is a boy, then parents will be informed and a chat about appropriateness will be had, and the fact he says stuff like 'i fancied you when you were 13, now I know you are 11...' indicates he thinks 13 is young and 11 even more so, and thus at the very least he is older than 14. I am concerned that as he had knowledge of words such as masterbation (maybe wanking as it is colloquial and children like using 'cook and naughty' words but masterbation is a technical word) he is much older. If he is an adult and has been found to be grooming, he is likely to have been doing it to other children, may have got further in the grooming that with your DD. It is a criminal offence and he WILL be prosecuted if he is an adult. He is likely to be put on the Sex Offenders Register even for only one (caught) offence, as this behaviour indicates a serious risk of harm to children.

3. back to 1. rather than feel guilty, feel pleased that you at least got hold of her accounts before something more serious has happened, you feel you did not check quick enough, but you DID check and now you know you are acting on it. And this is now a time to support DDs learning about those words she is now confused about, and also about keeping herself safe.

4. Might be worth talking to a professional such as child-line (can an adult call them?) about what has happened and how you can teach her about the risks without making her scared to form relationships again in the future. You want her to be frightened off of this type of behaviour again, but you don't want her innocence and trust in boys who are age appropriate to be damaged, there will be groups who can support you in doing this.

Good luck zigzag

An aside (an appropriate one) - I would urge ALL parents to check history for a chat site aimed at 14 year olds called www.omegle.org.uk and variants thereof (it's worldwide and has different addresses for diff countries but ALWAYS omegle).

This site is, as I said, aimed at 14 year olds for "chat". But the second they click on video it links them to (usually) adults who, in all cases I've come across through work) expose themselves and can see the child's reaction.

Currently these sites cannot be blocked for content and do not flag on parental controls because the sites themselves have no adult content or buzzwords.

TandB Sun 23-Sep-12 08:46:33

I'm not usually one to scream "call the police" at the slightest provocation, but in this situation I am going to scream it as loud as I can.

I am a criminal lawyer and I have dealt with cases where adult men have groomed young girls by talking about masturbation etc on dating or chat sites and have gone on to try to arrange meetings. Fortunately in most of the cases I dealt with, the "girls" in question turned out to be undercover male police officers in their 50s!

It is incredibly common and this rings huge alarm bells for me. If it turns out to be another 11 year-old then his parents should know what he us up to and the police can have a chat with him about the dangers of this sort of thing. If he turns out to be 13/14/15 etc then he needs a strong talking-to about the risks of engaging with girls who aren't as old as they say they are. If he is older then he needs the police to come down on him like a ton of bricks.

halcyondays Sun 23-Sep-12 08:48:13

Yes, I think a lot of people have forgotten what it was like to be 11. There was lots of talk and giggling about sex, only in my day there was no internet, which is a big difference, the worst thing most girls would have looked at was a copy of More magazine.

Alurkatsoftplay Sun 23-Sep-12 08:51:13

Poor you and poor dd. I hope you get some help with police today. As waffling said, everyone here knows how easily this can happen.

It is v different from teenagers talking about sex in the park because:
-It follows you home. "in my day" to speak to me, friends had to call the landline, or say hello to my parents. There was a barrier. Now there is no escape, it's in your bedroom, it's in school etc.

-And the other thing is sex on the internet is virtually all adultmale-(nasty)agenda. When I was eleven, we talked about 'fingering' obsessively while my DS (who slipped through my net), has seen anal sex etc on the Internet. What we don't know yet is how this will Affect our dcs generation. There are signs they are suffering (nspcc report on premature sexualisation) but no one knows for sure.

However, you sound like wonderful parents who will help your dd. Once the grooming contact side of things is dealt with, a discussion about what she has seen might be helpful sad

halcyondays Sun 23-Sep-12 08:52:20

I agree with everyone who says call the police. They will take it seriously and if it really is a young boy, they will get a talking to, and if it is an older person, then they can be dealt with.

It's not your fault, op.

IvorHughJanus Sun 23-Sep-12 08:59:10

Hello Agent,

I worked in a force contact centre for a few years prior to having DS 18mo ago. I wasn't an emergency operator but a call-taker for 'slow' crimes that didn't require an immediate response, such as thefts or historic reports. I have taken calls from concerned parents about this happening with their children so thought it would be helpful to tell you what I and my colleagues would do with this information.

Firstly, it's not an over-reaction at all to contact the police about this. They will want to know. You do not know the age or identity of the person contacting her. These messages are sexually explicit. For these reasons, the police will want to investigate it further. They will take details from you over the phone and will arrange a time that is suitable for you for officers to come round and take further details and, more than likely, seize the phone. They will then investigate the identity of the person who is contacting her.

It is innapropriate for anyone to be sending messages like this to an eleven or thirteen year old child. Even if they establish that the person sending the messages are of a similar age they would still (IME) wish to speak to them to enforce this.

You are not, in any way shape or form, 'at fault' here. You have had discussions with your daughter regarding the risks that exist through contacting strangers over the internet, and have warned her that although you believe her to be sensible and responsible, you will nonetheless check that she is keeping herself safe. And that's exactly what you've done. The next step must be to contact the police. You do not know who this person is, you do not know that he isn't making these advances towards other young girls who are not fortunate enough to have parents who are looking out for them, and it needs to be shown to your daughter that by 'doing the right thing' she is very probably preventing someone else from coming to harm.

DowntonTrout Sun 23-Sep-12 08:59:46


I am very sorry this has happened, it must be such a shock.

A similar thing happened to us about 18 months ago. DD was 9. It was all through a Skype Account. I was on my DDs laptop and the Skype app kept ringing. I had just been cancelling as I didn't recognise the caller but eventually I answered one. The live camera showed a man masturbating.

When I investigated the call history there were hundreds of calls from all over the world. It turned out DD had answered a random call and, being Skype, this man had seen this pretty blond haired little girl and started chatting (grooming) her.

We contacted ceops who were brilliant. It seems that a random peado had dropped lucky and within days the Skype Account details had spread across a worldwide paedophile ring. Ceops said they had never seen anything like it. dD had started off just talking to the man but it had quickly turned into him saying he knew where she lived and threatening her. She was terrified.

We have no idea how this first call happened as everything was set to private/friends only. I was heartbroken though that this had been going on for a week, in our home, and I hadn't realised.

You must speak to ceops today. They are used to dealing with young children. She will not be in trouble. It may turn out to be a 13 yo boy and your DD just being inquisitive about things he has said, or it could be much more sinister. Either way, this has to be investigated so that you can educate and protect your DD from this sort of thing in the future.

Good luck and big unmumsnetty <hugs>.

KillerRack Sun 23-Sep-12 09:15:45

Please don't feel ashamed, children of that age are very devious and I know my parents didn't know half of what I got up to.

I hope this situation gets sorted, its likely she won't quite get 'the riskyness' yet of this situation.

Fishwife1949 Sun 23-Sep-12 09:21:00

Oh dear sorry to hear this

First call the police

2. Please take lap top off her 11 years old dont need a lap top.

3. Have the main computer in the front room hard to chat to some bloke when dads wacthing x factor

4 get parent conrols and barr all sites which yu can chat we have a 12 ban whoch means my child can not get ino any site were you need to be over 12

5.you can get a proggramme which emails you every site they visit

6.please take her phone if its internet ready and get a model that can only text and phone and tbh she only needs it when she is going out alone i would be tempted to have it off her when she comes back from going out

7. Also olease put a timer on you pc which will mean it will come on and off at a time of your chooseing so she cant sneek downstaris and jump on line

I really hope this is a wake up call to those who think they can trust their child and have no controles and allow them to have a lap top in their room and internet ready phone

Is not the children that cant be trusted ots the people who which to groom them

Fishwife1949 Sun 23-Sep-12 09:22:45

Dont feel ashamed but put things in place to this cant happen again

TheMonster Sun 23-Sep-12 09:28:04

It is saddening how common these sort of things seem to be.

Pinkforever Sun 23-Sep-12 09:35:00

Yes all too common now that parents seem to be unable/unwilling to say NO to their little darlings.

My dh due to his job has dealt with this sort of things many times-sadly-the stories he tells me of what young girls/boys get up to online is horrendous.

Kids dont need fancy phones.They dont need to be on social networking sites-hotbeds of bullying and sexualisation imo.

Please let your kids be kids and not mini adults.....

droves Sun 23-Sep-12 09:36:02

Take your dds phone and laptop / computer to the police station .

Tell her they are away to be fixed / virus removed , so she doesn't alert anyone ( she could have friends who are in contact with this person also sad .

Take your cues as to what to do after from the police ...they have a dedicated squad that just trace Internet crimes .

aldiwhore Sun 23-Sep-12 09:47:26

Call the police definitely, even if it turns out that this boy is a boy and they've both been honest about themselves. Even if the sex talk was curiousity rather than grooming.

There's enough adult content to be worried and upset, even if it all transpires that its as innocent as two curious teens chatting about sex...

Don't blame yourself either. You had the right balance, trust and warning. She's stepped over a line (unless you have told her its okay to go on teen dating sites, but even then she's not a teen!) and broken you trust. Whether there is something sinister going on or not.

You HAVE to be able to trust her online, now that you can't you have to remove her ability to go online as much! I do feel for her, at 11 you're grown up but not grown up... I got in a few scrape when I was younger (not internet, real life) and its scary and shocking so don't be too hard on her either. x

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 23-Sep-12 09:48:56

Hope you are ok this morning zigzag and that you managed some sleep. Agree with others that ceops are the way to go.

Agent zigzag, thank you for starting this thread. I'm so sorry that this has happened, but I'm very grateful for the discussion it has generated. It has opened my eyes to something that if I'm honest about, I'd always considered a theoretical risk that happened to other people's children. Tis bloody obvious that I've been naive to say the least. Going to do something about it.

CouthyMowWearingOrange Sun 23-Sep-12 10:19:36

My DC's ONLY use the laptop in the front room, supervised. Yet my DD was still messages in fb by this man. He wasn't on her friends list, but had asked to be added.

Luckily, as it is supervised, and my DD is not allowed to accept friend requests from anyone without me checking out THEIR profile, she showed me the message as soon as she saw it.

She has Internet on her phone, but rarely uses it as she is on PAYG, gets a maximum of £5 a week credit, and she finds the net eats her credit too quickly.

I have her fb password, and check regularly. I am allowed to check her phone at a moments notice, whenever I wish. If she refuses to let me see the phone instantly, she loses it.

10yo DS1 has a mobile, but it is a very basic PAYG, no net access.

I did blink a few times when DS1 asked me what 'vajazzled' was, but on balance, decided that explaining it to him would be better than leaving him to find out some other way.

He was disgusted and just kept saying "But WHY?!" grin

I think being open with them, and answering questions when they ask them is best.

And NO child needs unfettered, unsupervised Internet access.

bionicmummy Sun 23-Sep-12 10:27:02

OP please come back and update us all, I hope this gets sorted for your DD's benefit x

BlueMoon74 Sun 23-Sep-12 10:37:13

CEOP first port of call.

Remove her mobile and her laptop. Agree with poster who said, say it's got a virus so it doesn't raise her suspicions. Supervised access only on a family computer in the lounge (or similar)

You have a responsibility now to ensure that these conversations cannot continue.

I can't actually believe that it's become the norm to give such young children free rein access to the internet. sad Please let your child be a child - and you be the adult. She should be out doing hobbies, not sitting in on her mobile phone and computer! sad

This is how it started with our DD.

It progressed to her skiving off school to see her 21 year old "boyfriend".

She was 13

He gave her drugs, alcohol and of course has sex with her. Also advice on how to abscond from home at 2am in the morning, etc, etc.

Phone the police now.

halcyondays Sun 23-Sep-12 10:45:37

Quite likely she does have hobbies as well!hmm
Most kids have mobile phones once they start secondary school and most kids use computers, it's hardly unusual. And the op found the messages because she was checking her phone and email account.

cheekybarsteward Sun 23-Sep-12 10:48:26

That is awful katie what happened to the perv?

QOD Sun 23-Sep-12 10:51:47

Happened to my friends dd, lovely chap he was, thankfully her sister grassed n her just as she left to meet this 14 yr old at the train station

Who turned out to be a convicted adult paedo

He'd groomed her so nicely and so well that she defended his actions in court and refused to accept that he'd done anything wrong.

As a 21 yr old mum she is now mortified of course, but she was just sucked in

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 23-Sep-12 10:56:46

These stories are so frightening.

But eye opening at the same time

He was charged for it. Got off though as DD would not admit having sex with him.

Didn't stop him or her that time, or the second time, though....

He eventually dumped her for his cousin who has now had his baby. His new GF is 14 and two years below DD in school......

The family are "known" to the police, unsurprisingly.

Hope you rare ok this morning agent. How horribly scary.

And I agree with OYBBK - thanks for posting. Lots for all of us to think about.

DS is 11 and although he doesn't have a mobile phone yet he spends a lot of time on the laptop watching YouTube and playing Minecraft and Football Manager. We do have parental control on it and it does work as he gets so frustrated with trying to find stuff oh his favorite football team (ARSEnal). But I am guilty of thinking this type of thing could never happen to us.

This is a salutary reminder of how easy it is for them to access all kinds of stuff. And a reminder that even if we think we have covered all the bases and they know what the should and shouldnt do, they often still do!

DS doesn't have a Facebook account. I thought. Then I discovered he set up a fake one! Fake name and photo of an actor. This was over a year ago. He doesnt use it and only has two friends on it - me and my sister. But it was a surprise to me that he did it! Must delete it actually.

Fishwife - I like the sound of the programme that emails you all the sites you visit. Do you have the name of it? How do I access it?

KatieScarlett - that is awful. How is DD now?

coffeeinbed Sun 23-Sep-12 11:02:06

Blimey, teen dating sites for 11yos?
Mind boggles...

Fairenuff Sun 23-Sep-12 11:04:36

Just wanted to make a comment re supplying condoms for 11 year olds.

11 years olds don't 'have sex'. They are children and therefore cannot consent. An 11 year can be sexually abused by another 11 year old, but it's called abuse, not having sex, because that's what it is. It's up to the adults to protect these children from sexual abuse, not to provide condoms and condone it. That is a terrible and harmful message to give a child.

ilovesprouts Sun 23-Sep-12 11:07:27

a friend of mines is just involved with the police and courts etc the same thing was done to her dd,shes 14 hes was 25

edam Sun 23-Sep-12 11:10:09

Good grief, this thread really is a wake-up call. I had no idea so many MNers would have stories of 'it happened to me' or 'it happened to my child'.

Hope you are OK today, Agent.

Aboutlastnight Sun 23-Sep-12 11:13:01

Best way of protecting your daughter is to not let her have access to smart phones or computer in her room.

Run google in safe mode. Keep computer in front room, visible at all times. Make sure her phone is not web enabled.

You wouldn't send your 11year old out to a night club -but that is effectively what is happening with non monitored Internet use.

As regards that dating site - is it regulated? What measures does if have in place to safeguard teens using it? As they are children? Seems well dodgy to me and I would have a chat to police on non emergency number.

Schnullerbacke Sun 23-Sep-12 11:13:02

Thank you for sharing your experience Agent. I can only imagine how horrifying it must have been to find out.

I thought I was pretty aware of these issues but didn't expect so many of your children (all posters) to to have been in a similar situation, despite having been educated on it. My DDs are thankfully not that old yet but I have definately been made more aware now to be even more vigilant and not to be suckered in by 'but they are sensible'.

Hope it all turns out well!

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 11:14:16

Something else this thread has just made me think of...

If any of us have kids with an Xbox/PS3 'Live' account, we should really be checking up on their contact lists and making sure they actually know everyone on it.

We told my DS he could only have an account as long as he only added friends from RL.

As much as it's a bit different in the sense that you can hear the person you're playing with, as someone said upthread boys in particular can have deep voices from a very early age...so an adult could potentially pose as a 13/14yr old.

Also if their mics stop working for any reason, they use the message/chat facility...so it's something worth thinking about.

Hope the chat is going ok this morning AZZ and that you managed to get a bit of sleep last night.

Viviennemary Sun 23-Sep-12 11:17:36

I am totally shocked at this. I thought it was going to be some schoolgirl/schoolboy type of thing. How awful. I can't see the 'boy' being only 11. I'd feel like calling the police but not sure if I would right away. I'd certainly do something. This could be a dangerous person to young people.

DD is fine.

Off to Uni next year.

She looks back on that time with bemusement and a lot of "wtf was I THINKING????"

Aboutlastnight Sun 23-Sep-12 11:23:10

A police friend had to go to a house in extremely posh part of town to tells parents their teenage daughter had been sending fairly graphic pictures to a man who turned out to be 45 and to be grooming several other children.
Friend had to find out if the girl had met him for sex. Parents were floored, shocked to the core and furious....

Asmywhimsytakesme Sun 23-Sep-12 11:24:25

Agent thank you so much for starting this thread. Not only are you being a very good parent to your dc in my view, but you are also alerting a lot of MNetters to the dangers.

BertieBotts Sun 23-Sep-12 11:26:05

It happened to a friend of mine at school too, we used to mess around going on the chatrooms etc for a laugh, trolling blush and finding it hilarious and disgusting that all these men would happily wank on camera etc. We were about 14, 15 maybe?

What we didn't realise is that this one friend of ours didn't see it as just a laugh, she was genuinely curious about it and (I guess) she must have found the sex talk quite exciting. Her mum didn't care, gave her free rein and just used to tell her not to stay up too late. We used to go on sleepovers and tell her the "hilarious" things that these guys were saying and she'd laugh and say "You kids, we didn't have this in my day!" shock Anyway, she met a guy on there when she was 15 who told her he was 18, and they developed a really close friendship/relationship online. She started coming into school calling him her boyfriend etc, said they loved each other, he sent her all these gifts etc. After not that long, he came down to visit (!) and it turned out that he was 22 rather than 18, but what makes me feel sick now looking back is that they had sex the first time he came down, and she was fifteen.

She still has no idea that he did anything wrong. She has him as a friend on facebook! They went out for about three years, and then I don't know what happened as we lost touch, but I find it bizarre now looking back that her mum was just fine with it, and that nothing was ever done about it.

I guess it's different because I was kind of on the edge of this internet generation, we had only just got the internet when I was 11 and it was on dialup so we were strictly limited because of the cost. The only computer was in a family area and there wasn't internet access at schools, let alone mobile phones etc. By the time I was 13/14 it was starting to get more common and I remember things like going to a friend's house and searching for "severed hand" on ebay because it brought up grisly pictures and we were really shock that you could buy such things on the internet (!) but anyway, the point was that internet access was very restricted and supervised until I was 13 or 14 and I think by then aside from a few dodgy searches out of curiosity, in the main we weren't so naive to happily hand out contact details etc.

Perhaps re the phone, if you get anything more than a basic model next time, make sure you (or DH) also have a phone with the same operating system so that you become familiar with how it works and you know what it can do.

As an aside, why the fuck does a dating site for teenagers even exist?? Look what happened with Habbo Hotel, and the kind of misunderstandings and upset that happens with adult dating sites, when the participants are mature enough to know what they're getting into - surely this is just a totally inappropriate idea? They can go on dating sites when they're 18!

And yes, before anyone starts to think it could never happen to their DD...

Posh house - check
Parents with degrees galore - check
Happy Mum and Dad and little brother, surrounded by loving GP's, Aunts, Uncles, etc - check
Parents involved in youth coaching, CRB checked - check
DD in Scots equivilent of G&T - check
DD played clarinet, went to many after school lessons, played hockey for the district - check

It can happen to anyone's DD/DS.

catgirl1976 Sun 23-Sep-12 11:30:32

I don't have any advice except please stop blaming yourself. You are obviously a very good mum and take lots of precautions - I doubt you could have done more and you have caught this before it got out of hand by the sounds of it

Hope it all gets sorted today and that you and your family are ok

DoMeDon Sun 23-Sep-12 11:32:33

It's all been said but I wanted to give you this <hug> How upsetting for all of you.

BertieBotts Sun 23-Sep-12 11:37:58

I see it all the time with younger friends, too. There's a 16 year old girl who works at the shop I do, a customer from the shop added her on facebook, telling her "I got your name from the receipt". She messaged a load of us about it making a :/ face.

Now, her name isn't very unusual, and only the first initial of surnames appears on the receipt so he must have done some serious stalking to be able to find her shock I told her to block him and she laughed and said "Nah, it's funny, I was talking to him last night! He's really weird." hmm FFS! And then she nearly shit herself when someone who looked like him turned back up at the shop again!

The internet is fab and I have met loads of people from onlineland, but it's about exercising caution, knowing how to do it safely and being overly cynical. I would never give my mobile number out online.

maristella Sun 23-Sep-12 11:58:15

Another RL similar story here:

Friend's DD met up with a 'boy' she had been chatting to online. She was abducted and raped. I've never met a girl so utterly traumatised.

Such was her immaturity and her newfound inability to trust, she went back on the same website and was found chatting to adult men. AWFUL

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 12:04:38

I've only skimmed the messages and will go back and read them later, but I'm so grateful for them, my blood's running cold at posters saying similar has happened to them/their children. We could have had a close shave.

Just been trying to set it up to go to the police, writing stuff down, what we've found on the net, what DD's said about this man.

And he is a man, he's told her he just turned 19, so I suspect he's probably older than that.

He knows her name from the emails she sent him with photos, (the photo of her when she was younger she gave him because he kept pressuring her for one of herself now and she did it to stop him asking, but he just kept asking - I can see where that was leading), he knows the name of where we live, that she's got a 2 YO sister. She says she's relieved we know because he was becoming 'obsessive' in texting her and she didn't know how to stop it.

The posters saying she's out of her depth are right, it sounds a bit stalkerish, or as though it could easily get to that point. Looking at the messages they've exchanged just yesterday, he's been the one initiating sexual conversations with her, like 'what do you think about when you're wanking' and 'have you started your hormones', she's done her best to deflect what he's asking, but it's pitiful to read. He keeps bringing it up and she's given embarrassed replies.

She'd told a friend at school who said 'eww that's disgusting, you shouldn't be doing that', I've always thought highly of this lass, and I was right to, she's a good friend to DD.

DD hasn't got a fb account (and I've asked her whether she's set one up behind our backs and she said no), she's not got a laptop in her room or anything, just uses my main computer and her dads laptop which we've checked and can't see anything untoward on them.

I'm going to ring the police now, see what they make of it.

DameFanny Sun 23-Sep-12 12:07:20

Shivering and shuddering at what she's said.

it sounds like you're handling the conversations with her well - hope the police can deal with this quickly

catgirl1976 Sun 23-Sep-12 12:08:11

He's 19?

Ring the police now and good luck. I am sure they will take this very seriously

So sorry you have gone through this but so glad you have caught it early

hugs to you all

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 12:09:41

He's told her he's 19? sad

I'm so sorry this has happened to you all but you sound like you're doing an excellent job in getting to the bottom of it.

Would it help if you typed out a dialogue of what you want to say to the Police when you ring them?

You know in case you get a bit tongue tied and your mind goes blank?

Good luck thanks

Oh and if you have a FB account yourself, still please check the search function for your DD just in case.

BertieBotts Sun 23-Sep-12 12:10:43

Ugh he's said he's 19 sad

I'm so sorry OP. I think you might be right that he's older as well - 18/19 seems to be a common age for men in their 20s to pick because it doesn't sound "too old" (well, too bloody old for an 11 year old angry) and yet 18/19 year olds can easily look older so it's easier for them to hide.

What a sick twisted character.

Something to talk about with her might be that she's allowed to be rude if somebody is making her feel uncomfortable and she absolutely should be even if she feels bad or feels that the person isn't meaning to make her uncomfortable. She can block or ignore somebody online or on the phone, she can walk away in real life or make an excuse and find a friend or an adult, and if she's really frightened or she can't get away then she can shout "GO AWAY" at somebody (I've seen people advocating practising this)

aldiwhore Sun 23-Sep-12 12:13:25

Please don't kick yourself Agent. I am sorry that it was as you feared, a man. A 19 year old (if that's his age) has no place befriending an 11 year old (or even a 13 year old as he first thought).

I'm glad this has come out at this stage rather than a few months down the line, glad for your DD, she's learned a very hard lesson, glad for her that she can begin to move on and for you... it is good to know surely that your dd has good friends too?

I guess you now have to clean the mess up and I don't envy the task at all. But good will come out of this scary situation.

You've done nothing wrong. Believe that. Neither has your dd in many ways, just got into a situation she couldn't possibly control and I highly doubt she will ever do it again.

NeedaWee Sun 23-Sep-12 12:15:21

i'll go against the grain and say yes i think it is your fault because you have handed her the tools to be able to do this, but havent sufficiently monitored what she is doing with said tools. this hasnt happened overnight. she is 11 years old ffs.

i would go down to the police station and ask for advice, calmly, not hysterically like some on here. Then I would make sure I locked down the internet at home like Fort Knox. A phone for an 11 year old does not need to have internet enabled.

Yes it is your fault but what you do about it now will point your daughter in either the right direction or the wrong one. As for condoms for an 11 year old, get a grip, how about condoms for an 7 year old in that case!

Anyone read about the 13 year old who has run off with a 30 year old yesterday. I dont expect her mother knew what she was up to either.

Asmywhimsytakesme Sun 23-Sep-12 12:16:15

Oh Agent how truly horrible sad

Your dd is being very honest with you now by the sound of it and good on her friend to be so clear with her.

No doubt the police will be all over him now. Good!

Nanny0gg Sun 23-Sep-12 12:31:23

You phone the police.
They are geared up for this sort of situation whether it's a stupid boy or a paedophile.

Do not let your DH phone him, let the police deal.
They will also be able to explain to your DD how to keep herself safe in future.

And read ceop.police.uk/ for futher info.

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 23-Sep-12 12:33:35

Hope all goes well with the police.

Thank goodness you found out when you did.

loopylou6 Sun 23-Sep-12 12:35:11

Omg that's horrific,I too think he's much older than 19 good luck with the police.

LadySybildeChocolate Sun 23-Sep-12 12:38:02

Goodness. sad I really do hope your DD is OK. She must be relieved that you know and you're helping her, but embarrassed and ashamed at the same time. The Police will help you with this, they may need to take your computer so that forensics can look at the information on there so I wouldn't search too much, just tell them what you know now. You're right in saying he's probably older than 19, and it's possible that he's done this before. You really do need to let the Police handle this now.

All the best x

Flojo1979 Sun 23-Sep-12 12:40:58

OP that's terrible but at least u found out now, it could have been much worse and at least your DD might learn from it and is unlikely to put herself in any more situations like this when she is older.

I know this isn't quite the same but my ds had his msn and Facebook account hacked.
We reported this to the police because the hacker asked one of my ds's female friends to show him stuff on cam.
Unfortunately the police didn't manage to find the person. Luckily the people the hacker spoke to could tell it wasn't my ds.

IvorHughJanus Sun 23-Sep-12 12:50:20

19? Good God. So pleased you are reporting it.

Your DD is very fortunate to have such sensible parents.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sun 23-Sep-12 12:53:11

Good for you for ringing the police, AgentZZ.

Hope your DD is okay.

Aboutlastnight Sun 23-Sep-12 13:09:31

Glad you are ringing police - he is grooming and may be doing it to other children too.

Sorry she was exposed to that at such a young age. But it's a good time to build a relationship with her so she knows she can talk to you about this stuff, talk about boundaries in relationships online as well as in RL.

Well done on ringing the police. Hope you are all OK. As promised last night some info and links you might find useful.

We need to teach children internet safety in the same way that we that we teach them road safety because it is impossible to prevent your child from using the internet in the same way it is impossible to prevent your children from ever crossing a road. As parents you are the best people to teach your child to stay safe online. Most of the rules that you teach your children to stay safe in the real world are the same as in an online world - the internet is a public place. Being aware of the issues will make it easier to deal with and discuss them.

CEOP/ThinkuKnow. Sign up to monthly e-mail updates, which will provide you with information on new and emerging technologies and tips to keep your family safe whilst online. The website also takes you through some technologies so if you don’t know what is meant by social networking or IM then this website will take you through what it is, what is good about it, what is bad about it and what you can do.


DirectGOV Click Clever Click Safe

Internet Safety Zone

Get Netwise. This site has instructional videos that range from setting your search engine to filter pornography in its search results to activating your computers’ security setting, a section on learning about the risks children face online and looking for internet safety products, a section on stopping unwanted e-mail and spam, protecting your computer and keeping personal information safe online.

KidSmart. Lots of fact sheets and other information.

Childnet International. Lots of info available in a variety of languages as well.

We try to use the SMART rules at school and for our parents to help children remember what they have been taught.

S - Staying Safe:
Be careful and think about if it is safe to give our personal information online? The answer is usually NO! Personal information includes information about you and others and can include names, addresses, messenger IDs, e-mail addresses, mobile phone numbers, pictures of yourselves and others anything at all really. You can never be sure where this personal information will end up and once uploaded you can never be sure to take it back completely.

M - Meeting:
Try to keep online friends online. Meeting up with someone you have only met online can be dangerous. If you really must meet up with someone, take a parent or trusted adult with you. Some people will spend months (or longer) gaining your trust – this doesn’t make them a safer bet.

A - Attachments:
Don’t open e-mails or attachments from people you don’t know and trust as they may contain nasty messages or viruses. Make sure you have up-to-date anti-virus software and a firewall on your home computer.

R - Remember:
Remember that when online you are in charge, you can choose who you talk to and who you don’t talk to. Remember that people may be lying online and may not be who they say they are. If you feel uncomfortable when chatting or messaging, end the conversation, block the person and if necessary report it. Remember that companies, organisations and websites can also mislead you and that not everything on the internet is true.

T - Tell:
Tell your parent, teacher or carer if someone or something makes you feel uncomfortable or worried. If you aren’t sure whether to tell someone or not, it’s always better to be on the safe side.

I also wanted to say that it sounds like you have dealt with your DD very well. We strongly advise parents to listen and not to 'tell off' their children once something has come to light. Parents who shout at their children, tell them it is their fault and 'ban' the internet are in danger of their children being too frightened to tell should they end up in a horrible situation for fear of getting into trouble. Remember in all of this the perpetrator who has been grooming your daughter is the one at fault and you and your DD are victims.

Sorry this was so long.

Idocrazythings Sun 23-Sep-12 14:09:21

Just wanted to say thank you for posting this and being so open… hopefully you are ok to keep updating as I feel many of us will learn from it and hopefully not have to go through the same thing that you are. My daughter (7) has just started using the Internet, she goes on a popular game site (but I won't let her add any friends- RL or not) and has looked up some barbie movies. She is also directed to some games/educational resources from school. All very basic stuff but I know this is just the very beginning of a steep learning curve (for me…). At least you have managed to find out before it went any further, try not to be too hard on yourself.

MissConstrued Sun 23-Sep-12 14:13:33

A parent's worst nightmare it has sent shivers down my spine reading that. I really hope you ring the police right away as would hate to think anything terrible happened. i haven't read all of this thread so don't know if you have said she has met with the person yet? Sounds very like grooming to me, make me feel sick these people especially now they know she is 13. Good luck and let us know the outcome.

gettingeasier Sun 23-Sep-12 14:40:57

I hope you are ok OP thank goodness you caught onto this so quickly it must feel horrible right now sad

Mrs Hercule thankyou for that post. I know my DC are taught this at school ( they were beyond horrified when I organised a RL life meet up from MN !) but I will look through those links and talk to DD later

Can I ask what kind of things should I be worrying about online wise for DS16 yo ? Boys arent groomed are they ?

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 14:43:12

The officer I talked to was very thorough, took an interest in the content of the messages and in what way they were sexually explicit, all the internet addresses/usernames I had for both of them and how far it had gone (asking things like whether he'd asked to meet up).

They're classing it as a sexual offence and sending someone round to talk to me with her (and waiting for them is horrible, I wonder whether they're checking him out a bit before they come round).

She's bricking herself, understandably, but knows that although she initiated it, it's not all her fault.

Should I walk her to school tomorrow? Depending on what the police manage to do today, the man knows her name, what she looks like, where she lives, I don't want her out on her own if her not contacting him could provoke him in any way to check her out himself. It's unlikely I know, but you worry about them even when there isn't any cause to. It sounds obvious I should walk her, but she'll get flack from the other DC at a time when she maybe can't manage that extra. I'm concerned not to overload her.

Police just rang back and said they're not sure when they'll be round because it's a response officer (?) so they don't know what else will come up, but have taken times we'll be available today, tomorrow and tuesday. I hope it doesn't take that long, can't stand it just hanging there.

No texts from the man today though.

edam Sun 23-Sep-12 14:46:28

If it will make you feel better to take her, then do take her. If ribbing from friends is a problem, could you drive? That tends to be seen as more of a luxury than an embarrassment. If not, well then I'm afraid that's one of the more minor pitfalls of what dd has unwittingly done - maybe a word about standing up for yourself and ignoring teasing would be in order. You are right that she's vulnerable right now but the horrid thought that he might try to contact her in person is scarier than her being teased a bit, I would have thought.

SoleSource Sun 23-Sep-12 14:48:22

Yes go with her to school.

"I needed lunch money and mum had to go to the cashline first?"

DD says has used this one before to explain away my presence at drop-off.

Pavlovthecat Sun 23-Sep-12 14:53:30

well done for making the call. brave of you, and of your DD to be open. I hope you get someone round to talk to you quickly.

I would walk her to school. The flack versus your fears are worth it imo. Is it possible to walk her part way until she meets some friends and continues with them, or just around the corner from school so she walks in without losing face but you can still monitor her until she walks in? Does he know what school she goes to/be able to figure it out? if so, maybe you should tell her teachers? not necessarily in detail, but a description, your concerns, and what you want them to do if they see him approach your DD? not thinking he will, but maybe you will feel more comfortable right now knowing all bases are covered and people are looking out for DD.

Mydogsleepsonthebed Sun 23-Sep-12 14:54:16

Yes go with her to school - Katie's idea is good to explain your presence.

Thinking of you and her and just how lucky you actually have been which sounds weird.

Nancy66 Sun 23-Sep-12 14:54:18

Well done OP.

Yes, take her to school for your own peace of mind but, as I'm sure the police will tell you, these guys tend to just hide behind computer screens. He might have attempted to arrange a 'secret' meeting with her but he is very unlikely to track her down and seek her out.

catgirl1976 Sun 23-Sep-12 14:57:35

Take her for your own peace of mind. I am sure she is perfectly safe but you will feel better. Maybe talk to her teacher so they have a heads up and can keep an eye on her (emotionally if nothing else, she is going to be a bit fragile)

TheOneAndOnlyMaryZed Sun 23-Sep-12 15:01:18

I would keep an eye on her for a while at least.

This guy may have brainwashed her, so she might agree to meet him or go off to "talk" to him if she sees him.

He also might be angry at the police being called so might try to scare her.

She is very young, and she isn't really old enough to talk about this with her friends (or get decent advice from them) so I think you need to watch her closely for the immediate future.

I'm sure the police will be nice to her - they actually like having these things reported to them.

aldiwhore Sun 23-Sep-12 15:02:17

I would walk her to school for the week, as one day may not make him seek her out, but two or three of absence might... I realise that sounds like scare mongering.

I honest do not feel that aportioning blame is fair to anyone. I believe zigzag that you were right and balanced to TRUST your dd, you were not aware of this site, so couldn't ban it. She's blown that level of trust, but she's not at 'fault' either. The only person at 'fault' is the person preying on young people and discussing such inappropriate things with them.

Its a lesson learned for both you and your DD (and the rest of the family) clear up, cuddle, move on wiser. x

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 15:03:03

Yes I would walk her to school, even if the two of you make up a 'reason' for it....like you're taking your 2yr old to a toddler group so you're passing the school anyway.

I was going to suggest she walks with her friend who you said is sensible, but that could put her at risk too (and anyone else she walks with).

lovebunny Sun 23-Sep-12 15:04:30

take her to and from school and anywhere else she wants to go. she only needs say 'my mum worries!' and roll her eyes and her friends will understand. they might even get to like it if you give them all a lift to places...

you have done very well - you faced it and brought in the police and now you are following that through, as well as supporting your daughter.

you and she are not to blame, at all.

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 15:05:49

Maybe I could walk behind her so it doesn't look like I'm with her, but I can keep my eye out?

She says she's not mentioned which school she goes to, but there are only two for 13 YOs and they're pretty small.

I do think he's more than likely just after an anonymous/safe 'thrill', but I can't be sure.

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 15:09:18

She may have mentioned it without realising Ziggers

If (and I do mean if) he turns out to be an experienced groomer, he'll be skilled at getting information from people without them even realising they're giving it.

I'm not trying to be alarmist btw, I'm just pointing out that even though your DD is no doubt telling the truth about how much info she gave him...she may have inadvertently given him more.

Empusa Sun 23-Sep-12 15:11:26

Agent I'm so glad your DD is talking to you about it now! It must be terrifying for all of you

ProphetOfDoom Sun 23-Sep-12 15:11:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoleSource Sun 23-Sep-12 15:14:34

After reading your posts so far on this thread , my conclusion is that you are a really, good caring Mother, Agentzigzag smile Lucky girl.

pigletmania Sun 23-Sep-12 15:14:55

Good on you Agent, the man as a paedophiles, god knows how many other children he's grooming. He is an adult whether he is 19 or 90. The police have to be involved. Accompany your dd to school as long as it takes

pigletmania Sun 23-Sep-12 15:16:42

I am a bit daft what is CEOP btw

Nanny0gg Sun 23-Sep-12 15:19:18

Child Exploitation & Online Protection Centre - internet safety - CEOP

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 15:19:38

I agree at how it's possible to manipulate a child into telling you things without them realising that's what you're doing. Most of us do it with innocent things with the DC all the time, getting to the bottom of what's going on when they're at school, or finding out whether they've been doing what they've said they're doing.

She said one of the texts that has been deleted was him while he was 'up to stuff' (I don't want to say it when it's connected to her) while she was texting him. Apparently it's unusual for him not to have text her so far today, that if she didn't reply he'd be texting her every hour to see where she was. She thinks he might think she's mad at him (which the messages do say from yesterday) but she agrees he won't like it that she's not contacted him.

thornrose Sun 23-Sep-12 15:23:37

Are you going to mention it to the SENCO or pastoral manager at school. You don't have to tell them all the details, if they have a school counsellor they could have a chat to her?

UnChartered Sun 23-Sep-12 15:26:23


what a great mum your DD has - well done for reporting etc and having the relationship with your DD that she can talk to you


<glares at MNers who will sneer>

TheMonster Sun 23-Sep-12 15:29:24

I would let the school know so they can be vigilant at their end too.

DoingTheBestICan Sun 23-Sep-12 15:30:48

Sorry to read this but sadly this is a sign of modern times,it might be worth letting her teacher know what's happening so they can keep an eye on her also?

Tigerstripes Sun 23-Sep-12 15:30:53

I would definitely tell someone at school; head of year is best, who will then pass it to the child protection officer and the form tutor.they will then look out for any change in behaviour from your dd that could indicate she is more affected than you/she might realise.

I wouldn't get a school counsellor involved until the police have been to talk but I would absolutely alert the school.

diddl Sun 23-Sep-12 15:52:06

What a horrible, horrible situation-hope the police look into it PDQ.

Sickening that these people manage to manipulate & twist so that kids don´t tell their parents even when they are uncomfortable/out of their depth.

DoMeDon Sun 23-Sep-12 15:57:07

When people imagine a man who grooms DC they often have an image of an older, sinister man in a mac type. I am constantly surprised by the sex offenders I come into contact with (through my job). They are usually young and average looking. I think this thread (awful as it is for Agent) is a good way of highlighting how mindsets need to change and how aware we need to be.

gettingeasier Sun 23-Sep-12 15:58:17

Just been showing DS16 the OP and talking to him.

Asked if he had seen the ohmeagle site warned of earlier , oh yeah everyone knows about it. We go on it and in one click there is a guy wanking sad

DD (aged 12) and I have been having talks this weekend about this very issue. I have used some of today's posts to emphasise the stuff I've been telling her.

I have full access to email/phone/other stuff. She has no facebook, twitter, etc, and I've set parental controls. She knows that as I've worked with computers for a long time (as a user not a programmer, but she doesn't know that wink) then I know more about computers than she does, and can easily follow her internet history, which is true.

I told her if she wants me to trust her, she has to trust me.

Agent hope you and your DD get the help you need. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best.

peedoffbird Sun 23-Sep-12 16:00:48

So sorry this has happened to your dd Zigzag. I must say that my first thought was why an 11 year old girl has a Hotmail/e-mail account. Can you tell me why she needs it? Hotmail accounts are a nightmare in terms of getting unsolicited requests for join groups etc. Maybe there is a reason that I'm not aware of and I don't want to come across as judgmental. At least now it's all out in the open and you have had the chat with her. Kids are so trusting at that age.

Badgersnatch Sun 23-Sep-12 16:13:18

Oh hell AZZ, what a nightmare. The main thing is that you've found out and are putting a stop to it. Please don't torture yourself with what-ifs.

I think you should follow your instincts when it comes to walking DD to school. She might well be mortally embarassed but she has to appreciate that her safety is paramount and that she betrayed your trust and maybe needs to earn it back a bit.

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 16:28:21

It's a good question peedoff, she's had it for two odd years for joining up to things like moshi monsters. It's bookmarked on my computer and I've got the password and regularly check it. Everything up to now has been open and above board.

My dad set it up for her, and I didn't think or know the hotmail.co.uk thing was any different to any other email account you can set up in yahoo etc.

Maybe because I've never seen anything even remotely odd on it I was under the impression there wasn't anything urgent to look at.

I can't believe she thought I wouldn't notice, she knows I look. She left the bloody thing open on my computer which I'm wondering now whether it wasn't a little by by design, wanting to stop it but not being able to tell me outright.

I have to say I did have that thought Agent. The asking you about explicit terms seemed very much like a round a bout way off getting you to find out. She probably wanted you to know but didnt know how to tell you.

Poor her. She must have been really scared!

Ebb Sun 23-Sep-12 16:40:27

Your poor DD. sad It does sound like she left it open deliberately so you'd find out. It must be very hard for an 11 year old to admit what's going on when she's so out of her depth and not sure how to handle things. You sound like a great Mum and I'm sure your DD will be fine with all your love and support.

TheGoldenKnid Sun 23-Sep-12 16:43:52

How awful for all of you. sad I did wonder if she wanted you to find out.

As others have said, I am so glad you have posted this because it has prompted me to be more vigilant with my 12 YO.

Nagoo Sun 23-Sep-12 16:45:09

Agent I think you are dealing with this really well. Your DD is able to confide in you, and your balanced and resoned response has been an example in how to cope with this kind of thing.

Your DD has acted well to try to divert him. At 11 it is understandable that she would not know how to deal with this.

The only person to blame here is the man who was contacting your DD.

You have acted in time to prevent her from getting hurt.

pigletmania Sun 23-Sep-12 16:48:03

Thank you smile

ShellyBobbs Sun 23-Sep-12 16:55:02

As others have said, you are dealing with this fantastically and it's a credit to you and your husband that she can talk to you so openly. Good luck.

TheMonster Sun 23-Sep-12 16:57:01

I wish the police would treat it as a priority.

AmberLeaf Sun 23-Sep-12 16:58:03

How awful.

Definitely let school know what has been going on.

McHappyPants2012 Sun 23-Sep-12 17:02:19

What a horrid situation sad a unMN hug ( )

edam Sun 23-Sep-12 17:05:09

I agree with all the comments about how well you are handling this, btw. I know you were doubting yourself and blaming yourself earlier, but you are clearly a great Mum.

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold Sun 23-Sep-12 17:11:40

What Edam said. you are handling this well OP and you are a great mother. Im just a bit appalled at the slow response from the police.

CaliforniaLeaving Sun 23-Sep-12 17:18:13

It just goes to show doesn't it how much this really does go on, so many of us with very similar stories. Gives me a chill wondering how many kids don't tell the parents or get found out and these men get away with it. I feel so bad for those kids, no one to confide in about it embarrassed to tell Mum and Dad and afraid he'll turn up.

UnChartered Sun 23-Sep-12 17:25:39

just thinking, i would tell school too

DD may tell someone, who tells someone who then takes it upon themselves etc etc and a member of staff might not get the full story, or spend an agonising hour working out how to broach it with you, OP, or worse make decisions on action that you would have no control over

not saying this is what happens in every school, but i'm sure it does sad

I think it would be a good idea to tell the school too. Most schools teach Internet safety these days I think and they need to know that the message isnt getting through sometimes.

madhairday Sun 23-Sep-12 17:46:52

What an awful situation for you and your dd. You've handled it so well and obviously are such a lovely mum. Hope your dd is ok, and do hope the police come soon.

I want to thank you for flagging this up too. My dd has just turned 12 and it's so easy to think of them as young children and not realise what may be happening. We've installed the microsoft thing which sends emails to you about what sites they have gone on - very relieved it was only youtube and history homework sites this week, but I can see how very easily something like this can happen. sad

LadySybildeChocolate Sun 23-Sep-12 17:57:10

I'd take her to school tomorrow, for your peace of mind rather than anything else.

thornrose Sun 23-Sep-12 18:02:27

UnCharted - you are so right there. My dd made up an outragrous lie to impress her friends and it spread across her year group. To cut a long story short I had to convince school they did NOT need to involve Social Services!

thornrose Sun 23-Sep-12 18:04:03

outrageous even!

Madhairday - what is that Microsoft thing? Anyone know if it will work on a Mac?

fluffyraggies Sun 23-Sep-12 18:30:12

agent - just adding my voice to say you're handling it perfectly. I have a 13yo DD too, and i know i'd be feeling the same as you now. None of us ever think it's going to happen to us!

The police will be very understanding and sensitive when they come round, i promise.

Raspberryandorangesorbet Sun 23-Sep-12 18:36:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gettingeasier. YES!!!!! Boys are groomed as well. Two examples are here: Tom's Story from CEOP and Matt Thought he Knew from CEOP.

Boys are often 'got at' via gaming websites, or when exploring their sexuality and feelings online. They will be talked into perhaps sending pictures of themselves topless (for example) or doing 'stuff' and then this is used to blackmail them in further activities. As a sweeping generalisation boys are more susceptible to doing something stupid and then being blackmailed into further activity.

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 23-Sep-12 19:06:12

Just talked to my DS about this (he is 13)

He has seen Tom's story at school. But this thread has given me the opportunity to re-enforce stuff about internet safety, and that if anything happens that he is not comfortable with he can talk to me.

So zigzag, so sorry what you are going through, but I think you may have really helped other people with your thread.

Just wanted to add my support really... you are handling this so well, I am sure that at the end of this you and DD will be closer than ever.
My friends DD was groomed (and abused) in RL, it was awful. Her experience was that the police did take it all a bit slow, and while I know that can be frustrating, it meant her DD didn't feel railroaded by the people trying to help her. Bear in mind, your DD has already had this bloke pressuring and manipulating her, she has felt pushed into saying things she didn't want to say, and having to tell you and the police all the details will feel similar to her - ie having to talk about things she'd rather not. She'll probably want to play it down so it will all go away - totally understandable. Carry on supporting her and be kind to her, she has a bumpy road ahead sad
Please don't feel you are responsible in any way. It could have happened to anyone of us.

sleepybump Sun 23-Sep-12 19:38:46

Sorry to drop in on this thread as i dont have the opportunity to read it all but when i was 17 i sated an 18 yr old guy who had had a previous relationship with a 15 yr old. Ok, not so bad BUT this relationship he was havibg was actually because he was 'in love' with her 11 yr old sister. He eventually told me he slept with her as a birthday present when she turned 12. He said it was ok because she looked older... The pic he showed me though didnt.

He thought what he did was perfectly normal. Knowing how he worked, if the parents had found out he, quite lilely, would have just encouraged her to run away with him ...'forbidden love/us against the world' type thing.

I'm just telling you this because i recognise that only someone getting the police involved to check it out may have detered him (at least frombseeing her). I really hope you tell the police (who may not be able to give you further information on what they find) and let them check it out.


catgirl1976 Sun 23-Sep-12 19:53:26

Um - tell me you reported that sleepy? shock

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 19:57:42

The police called at about half six to say they wouldn't be round until tomorrow when DD comes back from school, hopefully they'll have had time to poke about and perhaps be able to say something about this person.

They're good at keeping in contact letting us know what's going on.

I honestly haven't done anything any one of you wouldn't have done given the same circumstances. I'm trying to keep all the shitty things you think under wraps until I know better what's been going on.

She's a bit perkier and has got her old SIM (with no net access) with DHs old phone to take to school tomorrow.

The frighteners the police will put on her tomorrow (even though I know they'll be gentle) will ram the seriousness of the message home a bit further (not that I'm relying on the police to do my 'job' for me).

catgirl1976 Sun 23-Sep-12 20:02:40

Are you she won't use DHs phone to contact this man and warn him?

I don't want to say anything negative but it did cross my mind

Glad the police are keeping in contact and really hope all goes well for you and DD

cheekybarsteward Sun 23-Sep-12 20:03:59

Well, you know what? After all is said and done, your dd is one of the lucky ones thanks to your quick response. You may have also 'saved' other children from this 'person'.
[Thanks] from me.

LemonBreeland Sun 23-Sep-12 20:04:39

Just come across this thread and glad to see you have phoned the police.

Also although you came on here for advice your thread has acted as a stark reminder to many others that we really neex to keep on top of even the most 'sensible' dc.

TheMonster Sun 23-Sep-12 20:07:38

Please keep us informed, zigzag.

mamij Sun 23-Sep-12 20:11:42

Didn't want to read and run on this. I'd definitely get the police involved as you don't know the person/man involved, especially with the sexual messages. You don't want to end up with a situation where the man wants to meet your girl.

ratbagcatbag Sun 23-Sep-12 20:17:22

So glad you've supported your daughter how you have, I was abused and groomed by my uncle from the age of three and the worst thing was my parents not going to the police as they'd look like bad parents when I was 13. I finally went to te police at 23 and he's still on the sex offenders register. Police were amazing and lovely and you can request a female police officer if it helps

cheekybarsteward Sun 23-Sep-12 20:19:45

You are so brave rat I can only imagine how hard that was for you

GoldShip Sun 23-Sep-12 20:20:14

You're a bloody good mum smile

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 20:30:08

Are you she won't use DHs phone to contact this man and warn him?

catgirl that crossed my mind too.

I do hope not but she might have some sort of misplaced loyalty towards him if she has feelings for him.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sun 23-Sep-12 20:35:13

AgentZZ, why does your DD need a phone for school? This is not an accusatory question - really just curious.

EasterEggHuntIsOver Sun 23-Sep-12 20:40:34

Ditto catgirl and WorraLiberty

I'm also worried the OP's dd may contact this man to warn him. Her feelings must be all over the place at the moment. Thank God she has a great mum to help her through this.

FizzyLaces Sun 23-Sep-12 20:42:37

OMG that is so scary - could happen to any one of us. My eldest is 15 and I had massive reservations about her having any kind of internet access. Now she is pretty savvy, I think, but not as savvy as the predators out there.

You have handled this well. A cautionary tale for us all.

rhondajean Sun 23-Sep-12 20:44:48

Zigzag I think you are doing great, but I'd be tempted to take the phone away completely for the moment, did you not say earlier you now think she's been in touch with him before she got the new phone? So he might have the old number.

I don't mean to worry you, but I know she will be very confused at the moment and not processing things like an adult, and might feel the need to try to contact him, he has been a big part of her life for the last wee while as vile as that feels just now. By taking the phone completely for the moment you might save her feeling like she should warn or explain to him?

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 20:51:11

I'm guessing the OP is worried about letting her DD out without a phone now?

But if you walk her to school and pick her up until this is sorted, she won't need one.

If you still think she does, you could always get a PAYG sim with no credit on it. That way you can call her and she can call the Police (if need be) but she absolutely can't call him.

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 21:03:00

Her contacting him crossed my mind too. Because I'm walking behind her I want to be able to call her (like if she's walking too fast, or I'm telling her I'm going when we get there) or her me. She's got 40p on it, so even if she's written his number down somewhere we're going to see. But then it'd be too late then wouldn't it because he'd have been tipped off. Hmm.

Of course she doesn't need the phone, she didn't take one to primary, but I'm loathe to take it away if her having it could sidestep something happening. If that makes sense. It's the cause of this, but the sense of security it gives me, even if it's misplaced, does make me feel a bit of a connection with her if she needs me.

The blokes silence is as creepy as if he'd been texting all day. I wonder if he's waiting to start it up tomorrow morning thinking she's off to school. His last message said he only had 6 minutes left on his phone and if she gave him her name he'd add her to his profile on the dating site, so maybe he's out of credit. No sign on her email or the site either.

I've seen the OPs who say they're sorry they can't reply to every post and know how they feel now. There are so many things I've read on this thread that I want to talk about, the way this can slip into your life even when you're watching is horrifying. You don't want to disadvantage your DC not letting them take part with their peers, but you've got no control over the net. Impossible.

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 21:12:16

You see the thing is AZZ (and I really don't want to sound alarmist) all she has to do is text him from a friend's phone and ask him to call the number of the phone you're giving her.

If she's inclined to speak to him, you can guarantee she'll clear the call history/delete any texts.

If it's a contract phone, you'll only get the numbers that have been dialled from the phone, but not the calls received if you see what I mean?

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 21:12:53

I mean you'll only get those numbers on the bill.

catstail Sun 23-Sep-12 21:18:10

have you let the police know about the sudden lack of contact? It might be important.

rhondajean Sun 23-Sep-12 21:26:28

It's so tough. You can't sit with her every second they way you could with a toddler. And she's been manipulated so far, so you can't be sure she still won't be.

I get why you want her to have a phone. I don't know if you could contact the phone provider, explain what's happened and ask them to block all calls and texts in and out except to your and DHs phone. I don't know if they would even do that.

The thing is, even with no phone, if she is hell bent on talking to him she could do as worra said but ask him to call back on her friends phone. I'm sure you have impressed on her how important it is she doesn't contact him again, I'm not sure what else you can do.

Are you sure she hasn't warned him alreadym thus the radio silence?

The thing is if she wanted to contact him she could do it using a friends phone, she doesn't need to have her own

Xpost withRhonda

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 21:36:40

That's true, she's given me no reason to think she couldn't take the decision to contact him. She said earlier when we were talking about how usual it was for him not to text, that she wanted to text him so he wouldn't be pissed off. My face told her what I thought of that idea.

Even though she's been shit up by it, what you say rhonda, makes sense. Similar to on here when you want other posters to know something so they don't think badly of you, even when you know it doesn't matter. She's had a 'relationship' with this person, to the extent that he's been able to override what we've taught her about coming to us if someone makes her uncomfortable or being OK about breaking the social niceties if she feels something's not right. Unless she's giving us flannel, she didn't want to text him, but carried on regardless.

Would it be possible to keep her off school for a few days? I'm sure the school would understand, and she could tell her rl friends she has flu or something

EasterEggHuntIsOver Sun 23-Sep-12 21:56:17

I didn't want to suggest it, but I agree with SuzySheep about maybe keeping her home for a couple of days.

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 22:09:29

She had the 13th/14th off with a chest infection because of her asthma. It's much more strict there than at primary, I had to ring in each day and tell the welfare officer why she was off and then send a note in when she went back.

I know they'd understand if I told them what had happened, but I don't want to single her out or make 'us' seem needy and demanding. It's so important to me for her to fit in comfortably, not so much that I'm prepared to risk her in any way, but I have to consider how it might affect her.

thatisall Sun 23-Sep-12 22:11:11

I'd call the police whatever his age. You can speak to non emergency police any time.

Id do it because even if it is another child, he might need someone to talk to. Maybe your dd isn't the only child at risk here?

Fucking hell, technology is scary right? They aren't safe anywhere?! Dont beat yourself up, you found out, just remember that, YOU FOUND OUT. Everything will be ok. x

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sun 23-Sep-12 22:12:20

AgentZZ, I also wondered about keeping your daughter off for at least a day or two. I appreciate that she's been off recently, but the poor kid is probably all over the place at the moment. Is she, though? How is your daughter? Has she said anything?

I have been thinking of you and yours so much today.

thatisall Sun 23-Sep-12 22:15:54

Sorry op my screen was only showing first few posts, don't know why. I hope you're ok. x

I think that if she seems ok then I'd send her in tomorrow, I think it's important that she has some normality in her life while this is being sorted out.

You just need to get through the next few days. If you want to keep her at home with you, just do it. If not, that's fine too. You just need to give yourselves a bit of time to sort everything out. Don't put too much pressure on to 'keep calm and carry on'

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 22:35:11

Before she went to bed we asked her about whether she was going to try and get in contact with him, and she was adamant she wasn't.

She said the messages had changed over the past three days, with him constantly saying he was wanking while he was texting her. She told him to stop doing it/saying it, but he carried on. She didn't like this at all (even though she carried on contact) and had left her phone on the side with the messages up hoping I'd have a nosey because she couldn't find the words to say it out loud.

The police might ask things from a perspective I haven't thought of.

I've looked at SIM recovery software which would get the texts she's deleted back, but you have to either buy a SIM reader (at only £10) or buy the software you can download now (at £40 odd quid, which we haven't got). You can get free apps which backup your texts so you can recover them, but these are no use retrospectively.

Although I want to know what was said, I'm a bit glad it's not possible, they sound much more explicit than the one's on her phone. I'd have trouble keeping in the rage.

edam Sun 23-Sep-12 22:44:43

Oh, that's really touching that she left it on the side hoping you'd see the messages because she didn't know how to say it in words. Bless her.

Empusa Sun 23-Sep-12 22:45:06

"and had left her phone on the side with the messages up hoping I'd have a nosey"

That's fantastic that she feels able to go to you, even if not directly.

LadySybildeChocolate Sun 23-Sep-12 22:47:01

The Police will do that if they need to, Agent. She sounds like a very frightened little girl. She's so brave to ask for help, she must trust you a great deal.

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 22:48:15

I know. Saying it out loud would make it more real and she couldn't pretend everything was OK because she'd know we'd be upset.

She made a childish decision to initiate the contact, and didn't know how to make the adult decision to take control.

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Sep-12 22:50:07

Yes the Police will absolutely do the sim recovery if they feel the need so don't worry about that.

hihohiho Sun 23-Sep-12 22:50:51

Keep the phone for the police - they should be a le to read everything.

Badgersnatch Sun 23-Sep-12 22:51:20

AZZ please tell yourself that the police will get him and protect your daughter from him and that this will get better. Stay strong x

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 22:52:38

We had family round all day and there are always phones kicking about on sides sad I didn't notice.

In one text she said to him that I was mad at her, fuck knows what for, but it was very sinister seeing her talking about me and the family who were round to this man. She mentions texting under the table to him, and I saw her doing it and thought it odd, but it didn't enter my head she was trying to do anything secretively.

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 22:54:06

I'm prepared for the police not to find or do anything as well and just be glad with what we've averted.

edam Sun 23-Sep-12 22:57:46

But she made the right decision to tell you, even if she could only manage it in a roundabout fashion. You should be pleased that she knows she can turn to you in a crisis and asks for help when she's out of her depth. You have clearly done a good job. It's not your fault some aspects of the world are so shitty kids get into trouble - trouble that they didn't anticipate.

Sarraburd Sun 23-Sep-12 23:14:42

So sorry to read this and glad you have gone to the police and worked with your DD on this rather than just read her the riot act when she must've been pretty scared by this point anyway.

Just wanted to reiterate the point a few posters have made about natural curiosity at that age re the sites she's been looking at as I guess it must also be hard for you that her innocence has been prematurely sullied by all this.

I remember reading with rather horrified fascination porn mags I found in my bachelor uncle's flat (aged about 8), also 'classy' porn of my mother's (Anais Ninn, Nancy Friday) and the erotic book of The Arabian Nights (pretty explicit despite archaic language; aged 10); and in class aged about 11 passing round Judy Blume, Lace etc. I don't feel that my own sexuality has suffered/been sullied by any of this perhaps rather premature exploration.

Your DDs curiosity is v normal and natural. The Internet is a new and more hardcore medium for searching out stuff that probably most 11 year olds are at least starting to be interested in.

This evil man has exploited this and I hope he gets what he deserves.

Really admire how you have dealt with this. Will now set up child-friendly controls on my PC (been meaning too for ages and not got round to it - thanks for the wake up call).

cheesesarnie Sun 23-Sep-12 23:20:25

zigzag sad you are being amazing.

can only imagine what you're going through.

i have a 12 year old dd and its so sad get so eye opening to read these posts. i like you believe that im keeping my children safe online but it just shows how easy it is.

hope the police help and hope that you can all get through this.

LadySybildeChocolate Sun 23-Sep-12 23:26:19

Sorry if you've already said, but did DD say how this bloke made contact with her in the first place?

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 23:44:49

We've been trying to get to the bottom of that LadyC, it was on the dating site but we can't get hold of the initial contact messages. The police have the user name she was using so maybe they can unravel it.

Looking from his point of view the contact could have been legit at first.

LadySybildeChocolate Sun 23-Sep-12 23:47:22

She shouldn't have been on it, I agree with that, but he should have backed off when she told him that she was 13. Does she have friends at school who are using the site? They could be in just as much danger as she was. sad

rhondajean Sun 23-Sep-12 23:50:03

Don't make excuses for him zigzag - the minute he realised she was under age he should have dropped it like a hot potato, even is he is 19 and thought she was 13.

I didn't mean to sound distrusting of her earlier - she's obviously actually got her head screwed on, and a good relationship with you - but she's going to be very very confused at the moment. They like to think they are grown up at that age - but they are really just little girls with hormones.

I think if I was her age and going through this, I'd be grateful for a mum like you.

rhondajean Sun 23-Sep-12 23:50:43

Good point Sybil re friends. He won't be the only one on a site like that sad

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 23:52:07

She reckons she saw an advert for it on the telly.

I think she's only told one friend who was shocked and told her it was wrong. Thankfully not the reaction she might have hoped for.

LadySybildeChocolate Sun 23-Sep-12 23:55:02

What sort of idiot sets up a dating site for teenagers though? confused It's just an invite for 'them', isn't it? angry

Her friend is very good friend.

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 23:58:41

She's so on the ball with some things, and so totally off the chart with others.

I was reassured she had some common sense, but knew it could randomly disappear when you're least expecting it.

Have I given her too much too early? Been too over protective so she hasn't been able to fathom out how to deal with smaller things before getting more independence? If it's all different for different children, how can you possibly measure that?

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Sep-12 23:59:38

Her friend is lovely, just like DD and wanting to mess about, but kind and thoughtful.

rhondajean Mon 24-Sep-12 00:03:06

You just have to go &#373;ith your instincts.
You are questioning yourself, but she came to you and many wouldn't.

You are getting it pretty rights, even if it doesn't feel like it.

LadySybildeChocolate Mon 24-Sep-12 00:04:09

Every child is different. I'm still taking my 13 year old ds to school! It's so easy to get carried away when they are on the web, how many of us on here have divulged more information about ourselves that we're comfortable with? If you did a search on me you'd find out a lot. She's still a child, still working out how the world works and this has been a huge wake up lesson for her as well as for you. Don't blame yourself, blame the man who's put her in this position in the first place.

weegiemum Mon 24-Sep-12 00:57:20

Hank you SO much for posting and sharing this with us.

My dd1 is 12.5 and only got a phone 5 weeks ago for going to secondary (she gets 2 buses across Glasgow to get there).

But I've just chatted to dh and we are going to check her phone and email tomorrow and have a chat - though she's done nothing suspect, we need to check!

Hoping all goes well for you all xx

BertieBotts Mon 24-Sep-12 08:11:14

I know Sybil, that's what I said earlier! Utterly stupid idea unless it was set up by someone dodgy themselves (in which case urgh, EURGH!)

diddl Mon 24-Sep-12 08:33:23

"My dad set it up for her, and I didn't think or know the hotmail.co.uk thing was any different to any other email account you can set up in yahoo etc."

I´ve got email with hotmail & have never had anything other than emails from friends!

No requests from people I don´t know, no unsolicited adverts/links.

BertieBotts Mon 24-Sep-12 08:42:13

Yeah, nothing intrinsically wrong with hotmail, mine's a spam trap now, but all email addresses get like that after a few years don't they?

diddl Mon 24-Sep-12 08:51:31

Don´t think I get much tbh.

But anything not in my contacts doesn´t go to my inbox & gets deleted anyway.

nannyof3 Mon 24-Sep-12 09:55:25

When i was 12 i had a 'relationship' with a man with kids older than me...

She's just a baby who needs protecting

DoMeDon Mon 24-Sep-12 09:58:05

I think DC have way too much access to things they are just not emotionally mature enough for. Having a phone is a big responsibility and sooo tempting to do things you shouldn't at that age. My parents worked A LOT and I used to use the home phone constantly, I shudder to think what I would've been up to with a mobile, let alone the net.

Mobiles do give a sense of security but a totally false one IMO. I think they do more harm than good. They open DC up to so much when they need a gentle introduction to the world.

I think you're doing great Agent - really. My heart goes out to you all.

McKayz Mon 24-Sep-12 10:08:09

My hotmail is the same. I never ever get junk mail on there. I have a yahoo account too and I get about 50 junk emails a day on there. I'd much rather use hotmail.

AZZ i totally applaud the way you're handling this. I also want to thank you for posting about this because it has really highlighted just how hard it is to police the way our children use the net and how insidious people can be when they want to contact our kids in this way.

I hope you don't mind but have posted on the Mumsnet Acadmey page asking if, in response to this situation (and also the many others listed here), perhaps they can provide a course that will help keep concerned parents ahead of the game regarding the technology out there that can help us keep our children safe online.

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Sep-12 11:29:07

Claire there's some great information if you scroll back to the post by MrsHerculePoirot Sun 23-Sep-12 13:31:31

BCBG Mon 24-Sep-12 12:15:45

Read this in horror, AZZ. Eldest DS has just loaded open DNS on to our router to keep his ten year old sister safe (usual 'been meaning to do it for ages but not sure how' from me blush ) - he tells me that it will work on everything that accesses the internet via the home wireless system, and that it constantly updates. Not sure that's relevant to anyone else but thought I'd share. AZZ its been a wake up call for me too - hope the police help today.

madhairday Mon 24-Sep-12 13:30:56

Cider the Microsoft software is Microsoft Family Safety

We've found it fairly comprehensive so far. hth

SofiaAmes Mon 24-Sep-12 17:31:11

I think it's important to have constant conversations with your children about safety on the internet, rather than relying on technological parental controls which your children will probably know how to work/get around far better than you. There are some mechanical controls that you can do....1) Do not let dc's have access to the internet in private (ie no surfing in the bedroom and no data on the mobile). 2) Log in regularly to your dc's Facebook page and make this a prerequisite to them being allowed to have a Facebook page. 3) Get a copy of all your dc's email sent to you (this is quite easy to set up on gmail....I don't know about the other providers) and 4) Talk with them a lot about what they are doing on the internet and who they are talking to.

ihearsounds Mon 24-Sep-12 19:10:39

You don't need to buy anything to get deleted texts. Police should take the phone and sim to forensics. They have some fab software that gets texts and messages that have been deleted. Same with stuff from various sites.

Let the school know about what is happening. When it happened to one of my dc's I let them know, and they kept an eye out.

AgentZigzag Mon 24-Sep-12 19:24:38

The police have been round and read the messages, he didn't think any criminal offence had been committed, they were just crude, but he's going to check out the man's details (and 'make sure he's not a master criminal') and then ring him and get back to us.

He's got to make a juvenile report to pass on to SS and another organisation to do with family protection? Apparently they have to do this for contact with every child under 16, and either of them might get back to us.

He gave her a good talking to which she looked suitably sheepish about.

But she told him she'd sent him this other photo of herself which I took last week! angry and then tried to argue with me in front of him that she'd told me about it - which she definitely hadn't!

He said she was partly responsible for what had happened because she'd lied to him about her age to begin with, and then carried on texting. Which although you could argue she was being manipulated by an older person, given her age she 'should' have known better. She does know better. (but if this was in a different situation, like contact in RL with someone who we'd introduced her to, and they'd talked to her like that, would I blame her? Some victims of abuse (not saying she's been abused) do carry on going back to their abuser, that doesn't mean they're responsible for their abuse does it?)

He said there was no reason to escort her to school, but then said if the bloke approaches her to ring 999 and find a trustworthy adult confused So I'm going to see her there until we can make a more informed decision about the risk when he's been checked out by the police. If he's a young lad then I think we'll have to put it down to experience and try to work out what to do from there. If he's got previous convictions/cautions for stuff like this, the police will have to come back and take some more details.

He went to another call after here, so depending on how long that takes he might be able to get back to us tonight, if not he'll do it tomorrow.

Perhaps contact the CEOP group too, they might be able to give some more constructive advice.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 24-Sep-12 19:43:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ratbagcatbag Mon 24-Sep-12 19:49:36

I think the police response is appalling to be honest. I would ring and ask for someone else to come round. My in laws lent 3k to some people who kept sending begging letters for more, we rang the police, officially there was naff all they could do, but they were amazing and put the frighteners on the people involved.

LividDil Mon 24-Sep-12 19:50:33

AZ I'm cross now, on your behalf! The police response seems a bit lacklustre, surely they're going to investigate to check out this guy? I hope so. I agree with other posters just now that it's worth contacting CEOPS as well.
Was the officer who just saw you one who specialises in child exploitation/Internet crime - I know forces do have such specialists and am wondering if you were seen by a general crime officer who doesn't realise that actually - surely - a crime has been committed?

LividDil Mon 24-Sep-12 19:54:13

Retracing your post, I really don't like the officers comment about giving the perpetrator a ring. He is potentially a pedophile with an intent to groom young girls - surely being tipled off by the police is not right. I hope the officer takes this to someone senior who knows how they're supposed to respond to these matters.

ForkForever Mon 24-Sep-12 19:59:32

OMG I cannot BELIEVE that response from the police, what a mediaeval wanker angry

Like an 11 year old is responsible or being groomed by an adult hmm

I'd take that further.

LadySybildeChocolate Mon 24-Sep-12 20:02:13

That's shocking! I'd call the station back and ask to speak to his boss.

Empusa Mon 24-Sep-12 20:03:23

"He said she was partly responsible for what had happened because she'd lied to him about her age to begin with"

WTAF?! Even given that, the age she pretended to be was way below the age of consent and still a criminal offence for a supposed 19 year old!

Gymbob Mon 24-Sep-12 20:03:58

I started a thread on this sometime ago in teens I think. My DD's phone has been taken by CID for investigation. I found out she was doing similar things at the OP's daughter. She was getting vile messages from lots of 'boys' and they wasted no time in telling them what they'd like to do to her, or have her do to them. The's only 12, but had put her age as 14.

The most worrying one was a 'boy' who said he was 14, and he was squeaky clean, I mean just not normal for a boy of 14. He had her trust completely, and on one day alone I found over 60 messages that had gone backwards and forwards. We told her we believed she was being groomed, and it looks like he may have spent up to 9 months grooming her before he would have got round to anything untoward.

The most worrying thing is that she still thinks that we are OTT and that he is genuine. We just want to ruin her life.

Most of my friends don't appear to monitor their daughter's (or in fact their son's) mobile or computer activity, and indeed to know their passwords would appear to be an infringement of their human rights.

I can't believe that attitude, if I can't monitor their activity then they don't get mobile or internet use.

Like the OP, I didn't find out about the innappropriate usage until 3 weeks after it started, and it was only because she had left something open - I am not very savvy.

Please everyone, check your daughter's mobiles - no password for mum, no mobile.

IvorHughJanus Mon 24-Sep-12 20:04:33

That's an appalling response from that officer. I would contact your local force again, repeat to them the advice that you were given, and ask if they agree that this is an acceptable response. If they state that they do then (if I were you - though I realise you have enough to think about at the moment) - make an official complaint, the procedure for which will be outlined on your county force's website.

That's not good enough. Your daughter is a child. This man is aware of her age now even if he wasn't to begin with. He sent these 'crude' messages whilst in possession of the fact of her true age. He is a sex offender and should be treated as such.

Please don't allow this to be the final word from the police. It is simply, absolutely not good enough and I say that as someone who was proud to work for them for a number of years. That is unacceptable.