to dump a new boyfriend if he does nothing for my birthday?(149 Posts)
We have Been Seeing each other since April. It's my birthday on Monday. He hasn't mentioned anything regarding it until tonight. I have plans with my friends on my birthday day, which he isn't invited to, I said it would be nice and romantic to do something just us on the weekend.
I expect him to maybe suggest dinner or something.
Tonight on the phone he says he has been meaning to ask what I would like for my birthday. I did the polite thing and said that he Didnt have to get me anything. And he said that was good.
I'm a bit upset.
And given that he is a self confessed c
heapskate, I now don't expect anything, but I would never be so rude as to ask for something, if that makes sense.
I think It's quite possible I might not even get a card.
I'm also sad that at this stage you would think he might be making some kind of effort.
Am I being unreasonable/ too precious to dump him over this?
I'd wait until Tuesday as he might be planning a surprise. If not, dump him.
So you said he didn't need to get you anything and he won't so you're upset
He's a cheapskate - that's not good. People who are mean with money can also be mean with their emotions
I think a bit if thought for someone especially in the first flush of a relationship is good - and if he isn't doing that now he never will
If he doesn't buy you gifts now he won't in the future......
Even a cheapskate should buy a gf gifts imho.
I would consider ditching yes.
I couldn't be with someone long term who was a cheapskate but also wouldn't say to a partner that they didnt need to get me anything then get all pissed off and dump them if they took me at my word.
By all means dump him if you don't see a future in it but how strong are your feelings a byway if you would dump him over that?
Um. Wait until your actual birthday and see what you get?? You've been fishing now though, and you've said 'you don't have to get me anything' which could be interpreted as 'please don't get me anything'... so he'll now have cancelled the trip to insert posh place here.
Never ever fish. Wait and see. If you'd not fished, and he did nothing (and knew it WAS your birthday) I'd probably say wait until next weekend, after that and still nothing, dump if it annoys you.
My husband is the kind of surprises. I'm not a fan of surprises unless I know that 'something' is coming... he's a surprise purist. I bit my tongue, practiced my 'you're dumped' speech many many times. Never fish.
YABU. Princess <<< I mean that nicely, I get you I really do, birthdays are all about MEEEEE and I want to know that people are painstakingly preparing for them. x
My Husband doesn't do 'expensive' so perhaps he's a cheapskate, but his surprises are awesome, and cheap. Not rude!
Good God no, YANBU.
He's a self confessed cheapskate? Automatic non runner OP. P45!
I didn't fish.
I don't think he is one for surprises, all the organisation for stuff has come from me really. I think maybe in the whole time we have dated he has organised maybe 3 dates, the other times we just hang out and decide together or I suggest something. He also hasnt brought me any thing, not even a small gift ( not that I expect anything, but just no token of affection at all, nothing more expensive than an ice cream) the whole time.
I'm not materialstic, its not about money, but thought. And I feel hurt about it.
I don't get anything from my boyfriend for my birthday, and I don't get him anything either. He earns the money, I don't earn anything. This way I don't feel bad if he spends on me and I can't give it back.
Deep down, I'd much rather give and get, even if it's only a card, but I have to accept that we can't afford to spend money on gifts when we have a baby to feed and clothe.
If your fella is well off and he does absolutely nothing, then I'd be a bit hurt but I don't know if I'd dump him over it.
Don't discuss it or think about it till Wednesday when you dump the tight arse bearing no gifts. Don't let it ruin your special day though.
DH's first Valentine to me (because he hates it and thinks it's shit) was a massive, home made card. It was very strange and quite ugly but I treasure it. It is OK to be cheap and hard-working, lovely and thoughtful. It's not OK to be a cheapskate and mean.
Don't go out with a cheapskate.
I say to people "Oh you don't have to get me anything!" because otherwise I feel incredibly rude. Most people will then say, "Well I want to, so give me an idea", at which point I feel able to make a few suggestions.
Watch and wait... He might surprise you. If not... Well, you haven't been together too long.
But really, how awkward is the question ' what do you want for your birthday' with someone you havent dated long, have no idea of budget and know they are tight'
I felt really awkward.
I don't care on cost at all, or even elobrate plans, but some kind of thought, surely he should want to do something lovely for me?
Gezz dump him, I'm surprised he's lasted this long.
Clearly, he's just not that in to u.
Even cheapskates make the effort for dates.
Why say you don't want anything then get all hurt when you think no effort's forthcoming?
Because it would be terribly rude to reel off a list of things. Wouldn't it.
Besides, I don't even have a list, I don't want nor expect anything. Ive been a single parent for a long time with noone getting me presents. It's not about presents at all.
My first birthday with my DH we had been dating for about six months and no he didn't get me ANYTHING...we were students,20 at the time. I gave him three days to make up for his mistake and then told him In no uncertain terms what a jerk I thought he was and how little he must have thought of me not to get me even a measly card before I dramatically walked out. It worked.... Two days later I had some flowers and a lovely thoughtful piece of jewellery.
14 years later and we have been married 8 years. Some people are cheap, some just need a little steering in the right direction. If you don't make your needs clear then you have only yourself to blame when you are treated with less respect than you deserve.
Be honest with him, try and stay sweet and not too upset, and see if he listens. You never know he may surprise you
Urgh nothing worse than a cheapskate.
FWIW, DH bought me diamond earrings for Christmas when we had been together 2 months.
I'm not saying that is what your boyfriend should be buying you, but if he was serious about you then a birthday is a good time to demonstrate that. The fact that 3 days before your birthday he clearly hasn't given it any thought at all, is not a good thing.
Hes not 20 though, he is 30.
OP I hope he is planning a surprise love. If you get nothing I would dump. Sorry I have been out with cheapskates and I would not do it again.
couldn't you have said, "Thanks for asking. I'd love some flowers" or something like that?
He asked you what you wanted and you more or less said don't bother. And he isn't inivted to your celebration on the day. I agree with the folk who said you must spell out your needs clearly. I have learnt this over the years. If I said I didn't want anything then my DH wouldn't get me anything. Which is why I don't say it.
It was his nieces birthday two weeks ago, the child was one. He went to the family party ( having never met the child before due to distance) and Didnt take even a card, let alone a present. Hence I think its unlikely ill even get a card.
I can see your point about not asking for an expensive gift though.
So its not about your birthday so much as that missing element of the first flush of serious love? I understand that, and it doesn't have to cost, a flower picked from the verge, your favourite chocolate bar, something meaningless but meaningful that shows thought?
I did get a little defensive because my now DH was due to work away for my birthday, 4 weeks after I met him, he didn't mention it, I didn't either... I thought 'hmm lets see'. I got a card posted on the birthday morning, which led to another card and another, and another (late for work by this time) ending in a bunch of flowers in his guitar case (I didn't live with him, the trail went from my house to his, including key)... not being smug (just chuffed) it didn't cost him the earth, he's a cheapskate afterall!
Yours doesn't sound like a cheapskate, he sounds thoughtless in general.
Plan your birthday and see what happens, don't dump him ON your birthday, you'll just feel shit. But after your lest few posts, he doesn't sound like he's going to rock your world. Sorry x
Some people don't do birthdays. Treat this (if he does nothing) as a permanent amnesty, and neither of you will ever have to agonise over birthdays again (what a relief, I say).
you could call him and say you've given it some thought and you'd like to do X on Saturday to celebrate with him. Sounds a bit weird but what I meant is go somewhere specific or have a meal at a particular restaurant.
I think this is less about him being a cheapskate and more about him being thoughtless.
Birthdays are really important to me, I don't care if I get something that cost £1 or just a nice card its the fact that someone has bothered to remember and acknowledge it.. my not so DP is rubbish and I never get a thing for my b'day unless I either buy it myself or tell him exactly what I want, where to buy it and how much it is. Every year I think he might change and he never does. Its about much more than my b'day it just shows how thoughtless he is as a person.
I would say if you have reservations now then dump him, I wish I had.. 10 long years ago
I said it in a nice way, Because I Think its rude to ask. I just said ' It's ok,you don't have to get me anything'
Peoples usual response is ' Well, ill surprise you then'
Not, ' good'
DH was pretty rubbish when we met. I informed him that I expected a thoughtful Birthday present and he was a bit surprised (his ex wife was passive aggressive and never articulated her wants or needs). I didn't want to dump him for not buying me anything (reasonable chance of him doing this).
Four years on and I got a pair of grey pearl earrings because it was my 30th and pearls are the symbol for 30th wedding anniversaries, it's our first year of marriage and I adore my Nana's grey pearl necklace but didn't have any matching earrings.
I like to think I've inspired him.
OP The tight arse. Now I don't think you have mentioned his income but you can get a card in Poundland for £1 so that is no excuse. He could have got an item of clothing from Asda or Tesco for a couple of quid. A nice little bonnet or something. Alarm bells are ringing here.
Poor man is being condemed before doing anything wrong you've told him not to bother he may take you at your word or he may of said "that's good" as he didn't want to have gotten you the wrong gift.
I am sorry but it does seem very materialistic to me I just wouldn't care less about gifts and things like that so early into a relationship or even 5 years down the line to be honest for me it takes more than a bunch of flowers to show you care.
Yes, It's really nothing to do with money spent, in my family we keep presents to £20, It's silly to spend more than that, It's not about grand gestures. Just thought. Aldiwhore, that is lovely, that would make me cry, how lovely.
I agree ticktock, the only time I have ever not wanted a gift, I made it very clear with a 'please don't get me anything, I know you can't afford it/it's not important/I'd rather you spent it on xyz' (disclaimer: very close person!) which left them under no illusions.
A 'you don't have to get anything for me' surely falls under accepted social niceties, and shouldn't be taken at face value - particularly by a new boyfriend who should still be wanting to impress you and shower you with affection!
Hes not on a low income, maybe £9 an hour, full time, lives at home, doesn't drive, so doesn't have many outgoings. Is taking himself on a 4 day city break to Paris the week after my birthday.
( not a surprise for me, I'm working)
Money isn't the issue.
YANBU. I would bail out now before you find yourself living with someone who snipes at you over how much you spent on a tin of beans.
Send him o his bike. You are too new in a relationship for complacency and not being arsed. A big fat red flag for the future. Its obvs something that's inportant to u so fgs don't compromise so early on.
you've told him not to bother he may take you at your word
A 'you don't have to get anything for me' surely falls under accepted social niceties, and shouldn't be taken at face value
It would make relationships much easier if people just said what they mean.
IME, many (untrained) men don't do, or get, hints. Or social niceties like "oh you don't have to ... Blah blah" they will take you AT FACE VALUE and will not get you anything!! And then think you are a psycho when you complain after, and I kinda see their point.
I would respond with something like "oh, how lovely of you to ask, I would appreciate something thoughtful from you, why don't you surprise me?" so not a greedy grabby listing but def make it clear you expect SOMEthing?
Maybe a bit late now, but goodness don't say it again!!
Lives at home at 30 and a self-confessed cheapskate. <Shudders>
It's too late now, isn't it. But for goodness sake, I don't Buy the ' hes a man, you need to spell it out like a child'
Even my 8 year old has planned things off their own accord. Nothing that costs much, but dobr with thought and love and that means the world.
I did suggest maybe Sharing some wine the day after my birthday,but he said he wasnt sure as he doesn't drink and doesn't want a hang over when he goes away ( 4 days later) I said it would be nice, it is my birthday, so he said he would think about it.
Lives at home at 30 and a self-confessed cheapskate. And now he's worried about a hangover four days from when he drinks wine. He sounds just awful. Sorry.
I'd never go out with a cheapskate. If they're cheap with money, what else are they cheap with?
Or someone who lives at home and doesn't drive.
IME, many (untrained) men don't do, or get, hints.
Oh fuck off how would you feel if your partner started on about how awful you were until he trained you? Have a bit of respect.
Read your comments back. No positive spin on this. He must have good points else u wouldn't have put up with his thoughtlessness since April.
Oh come on, OP, you can't possibly go out with this man!
Please, give us some examples of his tightfistedness. He clearly doesn't mind spending money on himself if he's going to Paris.
What do you do when you meet up? Do you have to pay? Is there always an awkward silence when the bill arrives?
queenofjacksdreams show ME some of your vaunted respect and please don't swear at me for offering my opinion only.
Hes nice to spend time with. Ive been on my own for a long time so company is nice. He's not controlling and is laid back. But it does feel quite like a teenage fling really, there isn't much substance.
He quite likes to be involved with me and my life, but booked his Paris trip without mentioning it at all to me. The following day he also has a concert which I Didnt know about.
I havent thought that it had legs, but as much as he says he has strong feelings for me his actions seem otherwise.
Oh dear I feel bad but MrsTerrys comment cracked me up, worried about a hangover four days after sharing a bottle of wine?!
When I used to frequent mumsnet more often I'd get enraged on peoples behalf about things like this, though I find in rl I'm far more accepting, I didn't get a present last Christmas and it was our first one together, it was embarrassing more than anything as people would ask and I'd just have to say no he didn't get me anything. I had bought him quite a bit.
Like you say you want the beginning to be about being wooed and doing a bit of wooing yourself.
My advice would probably be to ditch him, it's not worth it really, with a man who can't transfer his thinking that he cares into demonstrating it in any way.
Paying for things has been a problem. A few times he has said for me to get something and he will give me the cash, And then hasn't. And when reminded, several times, still hasn't.
He quite happily eats my food etc with no contribution. But after me going on he's taken to bringing his food with him ( which makes me feel bad)
I do feel as if a lot of the practical side comes down to me.
But he is nice company.
So then I forget I was annoyed.
He doesn't really sound that nice. I think if he gets you nothing, not even a card and a box of milk tray then you'd definitely be ok to dump him!
I met my boyfriend two weeks before his birthday and he came over on the day, even after two weeks I got him a jokey card, a pack of donuts to share and a takeaway on me, my birthday was 6 months later and I got a proper full blown present. I think you could have been more honest though and said what you felt. I think when he asked what you wanted 'surprise me' might have been a better response.
Is he rubbish in bed? IME men who are tight with money and uptight about the odd glass of wine are also tight and uptight in bed.
Hes very good in bed, which may be why I'm still Hanging around..
Teddymc, how awkward was that? Did he not say anything? Was he not horribly embarrassed? Or did he have a reason?
Nooo! You deserve a nice man who treats you like you should be treated. It doesnt cost much to make someone feel special, a homemade cake or a bunch of flowers.
It is all about control. If you get upset about lack of acknowledgement of your birthday he will turn it around on you and say you said you didn't want anything.
Please please leave. I had an ex like this and life was one big disappointment with him. I swear he did it on purpose so that every special dat was shit.
[flowers] <-- for your upcoming birthday!
An old post about my tighwad ex that i wrote on another site.
Thank You to red devil For This Useful Post: Show me >>
31-08-2010, 5:39 PM
Serious MoneySaving Fan
Join Date: Aug 2010
Thanked 1,774 Times in 597 Posts
Is this miserly or moneysaving
Hi I felt i had to join this site to conribute to this thread.One poster suggested to the OP to get a job.Well how can she attend a job interview in her only pair of holey shoes.The interviewer would think she didnt care.I once dated a man like the OPs husband.
1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thinked my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again!
tick tock my ex was good in bed too. Maybe they think thats all they need to do.
My ex was very shouty and sweary if i took a little bit longer than usual in the shower and he got quite verbally abusive about it.
It can be a fine line between tightwaddery and financial abuse.
ticktockdontstopThu 20-Sep-12 22:19:18
It was his nieces birthday two weeks ago, the child was one. He went to the family party ( having never met the child before due to distance) and Didnt take even a card, let alone a present. Hence I think its unlikely ill even get a card.
tick tock my ex was like this over his brothers 40th as mentioned in the post ive copied over. It doesnt get better believe me.
Yet there was always money for loads of cigarettes and a new mobile every 3 months.
And in your case no pressie for his young niece but plenty for a holiday for himself.
Why didn't you invite him to your bday celebration? Seems like you are both holding back - not the actions of two people in the first flush of love.
Are you together because you both want to be with someone and are making do?
Yes, I think it's odd that you haven't invited him to your b-day celebration. Do you not consider him to be a friend? I wouldn't buy a present for someone who didn't invite me to their celebration.
Otoh, everything you have posted about him sounds like he's not particularly caring or thoughtful in general.
Tell me, has he ever bought you anything at all since you' e been together?
If the answer is no and you would like some thoughtful gifting occasionally then ditch him because it's not going to happen.
It's not about expense at all it's about he bothered to think about you.
You shouldn't have to spell it out.
Have you given him anything since you've been together?
Birthdays mean different things to different people. I grew up in a familly where people are meticulous and full of feeling about birthdays for adults and well as kids. My DH is like this but his siblings and parents are completely offhand about birthdays and say things like " Sorry I didn't get around to getting a present". DH's sister who lies in the same city as us did not even text or call him on his last birthday, let alone produce a present. I find it graceless but have learned over the years that they do love us, they just can't be bothered making a fuss about birthdays.
I find it funny as a reading these posts because most mens ideal partner would be sensible with money but are never able to find one and they would also like a partner who says what they mean so if you wanted a present you should have said so. Men are more practical so consider buying a present for someone a waste of money as a risk they won't like it etc. He isn't tight as you said he is going to France and a music concert day after both will cost money and also did offer to buy you a gift.
So, he asks you want you want, you say "nothing". If he gets you nothing, you dump him. Have I got that right?
And we wonder why men can't figure us out.
I'm going to post this in the feminist forum under "no means no".
Men are more practical Utter shite. Brought to you by such cliches as "bless them, they can't use a washing machine" and "bless them, they just don't SEE the mess".
My DH can use a washing machine, knows I want a present, even if I say not to bother, watches the money but knows that some treats are good for the soul and has never mentioned the amount of time I spend in the shower. Don't settle.
Maybe he feels upset that you would rather see your friends on your birthday and not him, why not see you friends at the weekend.
See what happens on on your birthday. If no card and present dump the tightwad, you don't sound very serious about each other anyway
My friends don't really like him, so it would be awkward to have him there, plus we are doing something that he wouldnt much enjoy. I want to enjoy my birthday and since he hadn't mentioned anything about it and my friends had, I dont see why I should spend it with him and miss out on something fun.
He Didnt / doesn't consult me when he is organising stuff for himself to do, like Paris. So why should I ask him? Ive never been to Paris, I would have loved to go.
I Didnt say ' nothing' when asked about a present. I said ' ah, its ok, you don't have to get me anything' Which is a social niceity.
He hasn't brought me a thing since we have been together. Nothing. He eats at mine without contribution, he doesn't offer petrol money. He would rather spend an hour walking somewhere than get the bus to see me. Yet, if we go in a shop and I add something to his basket. He tells me exactly what I owe him, even 45p for chocolate.
If I have no money ( frequently) we don't do anything than sit at mine, because he doesn't offer to pay. I'm not talking huge outlays, you can do lots for £10.
He says he cares for me a lot and enjoys my company and I don't doubt that he does, just that this side is ruining it for me. If I don't even get a card I will be very upset.
Your friends don't like him?
Huge warning sign right there.
He seems to be a freeloader, and you have very low expectations of a partner.
Dump him ! This is about so much more than the birthday.
He's not really that into you is he?
I don't have low expectations, I dont think this is right.
I would say the people who say ' he's only a man, you have to be blunt' have less expectations.
I expect a present. And a card. And some kind of effort. Not costly, but something that shows he cares.
He is very affectionate, caring and nice in person. He makes an effort that way. He keeps in contact, is always keen to see me.
But I don't know.
Well I´m not a present person.
But I would expect some gesture tbh.
A card & to do something together-out for coffee & cake/lunch/dinner/day out...
Originally thought you were being childish tbh. , but your later posts _ your not happy ,he's being selfish re money, why stay really-just don't mention birthday in reason...!
Diddl, that would be lovely
I actually prefer doing things than gifts. You then have a fantastic memory forever, but a gift is forgotten about quickly. Gifts don't mean much to me, peoples time and thought means so much more. I won't have gifts from my friends, but we are going somewhere really fun. I'll remember it when im old ( hopefully)
He hasn't told many of his friends about me, he told me he feels awkward. Tuesday he had the perfect chance to, one of his friends tried to set him up, he could have said he was seeing me, ( as his friend knows of me from a different circle) but instead said he was seeing ' someone'
Ive text him about it this morning And he has said he isn't, he is just a private person and that's what I'm seeing. Thats not right, is it?
Im my experience of men if they like you they are generous both with their money and time. Of course if a man doesnt have that much money he may need to be more imaginative but if he really likes you this comes easily to him. He wants to please you and thinks of things that you will like. Now he might not get it totally right but he will at least put the effort in!
I noticed this when in the distant past I lived with a male flat mate long ago. If he wasnt that botherer about a girl he wouldnt phone, or arrange special things for her. But if he really liked her then he would treat her well, be enthuiastic. It wasnt an effort for him.
Dont sell yourself short ticktock you deserve to be treated well and not have to make the effort all the time. You will get very sick of this as time goes on. I have experienced the resentment it brings.
Yes you should be clear about what you want but on the other hand he should want to treat you specially on your birthday. I always tell my DH I dont mind or dont want anything for my birthday and he always gets me something thoughtful.
And its rude to go to a childs birthday and not even bring a card - yes the child is one and wouldnt notice but the parents would. I hope this doesnt come accross as harsh. Dont forget you are a wondeful person and deserve to be treated wonderfully.
Yet, if we go in a shop and I add something to his basket. He tells me exactly what I owe him, even 45p for chocolate
I hope to God you don't give it to him, OP...
He just sounds weird - tight with money, still lives with parents (has he ever lived independently?), won't tell his friends about you. And what's all that about not going to visit his new-born niece for a year because of "distance"? Does she live in New Zealand or something? And then not buying her a present for her first birthday? Not to mention going on a weekend to Paris without you? (Unless it was booked before you got together?)
This isn't just about your birthday and even if it was, you'd be facing every Christmas, birthday, Valentine's day, anniversary etc etc disappointed because he's too stingy to buy you anything.
No that is not right. At this stage he should be wild about you, proud to show you off to the world - not keeping you a dirty little secret so that there isn't any pressure from his friends to include you in his life.
Seriously just dump him and go and meet someone who adores you, because this man does not adore you.
Maybe you should have said "oh, I couldn't possibly say what you should get me, I'm a girl who likes surprises...so surprise me?" or some such waffle like that! I'd wait until tuesday tho before you give him his marching orders as you never know, also it seems to me you are giving yourself a we bit of unneccessary grief here and on track to ruining the time with your friends fretting about what he hasnt done yet
Well, I wouldn't plan on a future with a guy like this. Sounds like he really takes you for granted, and doesn't even put any effort into anything.
Ive replied to his ' I'm a private person, maybe thats what you are seeing' text, saying;
' but I've opened my life up to you. You have met and spent time with my family, spend time with my child. My friends know about you, you asked why you weren't invited on my birthday thing with my friends, that's not fair. Its not nice, it doesn't make me feel nice. I like your company but I'm not sure we work on a relationship level'
Yep, you said it. If you are an open, inclusive non compartmentalised person and he is tight, secretive and cheap, then he will not meet your needs in the long (or even short) term.
C'mon, ticktock. He's 30, lives at home, doesn't drive, has plenty of money for stuff for himself but dings you for 45p for a bar of chocolate?!
He's freeloading and cheap and mean with his emotions as well.
This is a no brainer: dump and move on.
Read the book Love Languages - gifts mean different things to diferent people.
He hasn't told many of his friends about me, he told me he feels awkward
There's private and then there's awkward. Do you really like your boyfriend feeling awkward about you?
I've opened my life up to you. You have met and spent time with my family, spend time with my child. My friends know about you
This was exactly (one of ) the reason(s) why I dumped my last boyfriend. After eight months I hadn't met a single friend or family member and he made it clear he would never be ready to introduce me to his children at any level. He also said he was a "private" person! And he was also a manchild, OK didn't live at home but his mum still did his washing. And I must have been invited to his flat a maximum of 4 times in 8 months. (Wish I'd known about MN back then!)
On the other hand, same as you, I made him welcome at my house any time, and he had met my friends and children.
The day I got rid was like a weight had been lifted.
Please dump this man now. This is going to be harsh but you need to hear it:
You have been seeing this guy for nearly six months, but you are not his girlfriend if he hasn't told his friends or family about you. You are someone he likes to shag and pass time with (probably because you pay for things) but really he is keeping his options open.
He should be organising something for your birthday. Even if he was skint (which he shouldn't be, considering he lives with his parents and doesn't drive) there are nice things he can do for you, and they include: buying or making you a card, kicking his parents out for the night and cooking you dinner, finding cheap/free events where you live and taking you to them, etc. But he just doesn't care to make the effort.
Please read the situation for what it is, and not what you want it to be. You can find much much better. Don't stand for this crap - find a guy that is genuine!
It sounds like hes passing time with you. He likes you but just not enough to really commit to having you fully in his life.
When a guy is really keen he cant wait to say check out my girlfriend and show you off a bit, even if its just randomly in conversation with people who ask what theyre up to at the weekend, they proudly say oh Im doing [insert activity here] with my girlfriend. Que conversation about who you are and how you met.
I was once with a guy who wanted to keep me separate to his friends and family, I realised he just didnt want to admit we were together as he knew it wasnt going to last so why give me that status, I was just someone. It sounds like you dont really see this relationship going anywhere either but are more willing to put some effort in and see what happens. So Id say cut your losses and move on, no point flogging a dead horse, as they say.
But on the gift front, it isnt rude to make a suggestion when specifically asked what youd like (its annoying for the person who asked). it is rude to just randomly make demands but if you say oh nothing dont worry or variations of, then quite frankly you have no right to be upset when you dont get anything. Next time just say I dont really mind, I love flowers, xxx are my favourite, or just a small token present would be nice.
you are not his girlfriend if he hasn't told his friends or family about you. You are someone he likes to shag and pass time with
He likes you but just not enough to really commit to having you fully in his life
Paiviaso and Mimi - I wish someone had said this to me a couple of years ago when I was 'dating' the guy I mentioned above.
OP - please take heed.
sounds like a difficult one this. he may just be playing it down and planning a surprise for you, or he might just be a massive tool and is not going to do anything.
I would just wait and see on Monday what he does. if he does not get you anything ( even a card) I would have serious words with him about where your relationship is going if he can even be arsed to get get a card!
Men like that are only interested in what they can get out of YOU.
It also sound like you are having reservations about him, so maybe this guy is not the one for you anyway?
I hope that he does something spectacular for your birthday and redeems himself. take care and try not to get too upset over it.
He has said that he didnt think about introducing me to his family etc as he Didnt really think about it.
A few people at work know but he doesn't like it Because they make crude comments and he doesn't like it.
And that he Didnt tell his other friend as it might be awkward from the other circle he knows me from.
He has told me he loves me. Ive said that I'm not sure emotionally we have the same expectations, he said he is going to try harder.
Jury is out till after my birthday.
I think a good cop-out if someone asks what to get you for your birthday and you don't want to impose a budget on them is to say "surprise me".
If you say "oh you don't have to get me anything" it makes things really difficult, some people might mean "please don't get me anything cos I don't want to get into another exchange of
useless gifts" whereas others like yourself mean "I want something but I don't want to sound grabbing". Isn't it rather passive-aggressive?
But FWIW, this guy just seems selfish and tight.
He doesn't sound like a good candidate for the valuable status of being your boyfriend. I can't stand cheapskates or meanness; it sounds as though he's mean with emotions as well. Asking someone what they want for their birthday is lazy - he should be putting some effort in and thinking of something for himself.
For the last three years, my practice has got together to buy our receptionist a really nice birthday present. After finding her in tears one birthday that her husband of many years had never got her one.
Don't turn into that woman op. Its a sign of things to come, he isn't a good long term bet. A nice, decent person shouldn't have to be told to buy you a birthday present, especially at the start of a relationship. Why waste any more time on him?
Also op, id be wondering if he has someone else on the go, or in mind...
It takes a while to find out what people are really like, congratulations on doing so so quickly. He sounds like a bit of a user, and the living at home at 30 is a total red flag too.
her husband of many years had never got her one
You just can't fathom some people, can you geegee. What the hell is up with these people?
It's unlikely that he's planning a nice surprise if he won't even sub you for a chocolate bar.
He has said that he didnt think about introducing me to his family etc as he Didnt really think about it.
A few people at work know but he doesn't like it Because they make crude comments and he doesn't like it.
And that he Didnt tell his other friend as it might be awkward from the other circle he knows me from
He's got an answer for everything hasn't he?
Jury is out till after my birthday
Fair enough, OP, in any case I hope you have a lovely day.
Oh dear, it sounds like a waste of time, it really does.
He might be very nice but he's not exactly setting you on fire, is he? He sounds boring. Imagine yourselves three years down the line. You don't sound like you want this at all. And why would you?
I agree with others, he does sound like an unimaginative freeloader. Only you can gauge if that's true but really sharing is at the heart of a relationship, if he starts off by signposting the fact that he doesn't share then you can't be in any doubt that this won't improve.
I would dump him if you don't get a surprise on your birthday. If he isn't making an effort at the start of a relationship he is never going to. You deserve better.
Living at home at thirty? RUUUUUN LIKE THE WIIIIIIND!!!
Make sure he pays for the next few meals etc, then ditch him.
I'm failing to see his charms, I'm afraid. Although admittedly, I never think it is very helpful to say you don't want a gift when you know you'll be upset if you don't get one.
But for all that, there are so many red flags here: lives at home, doesn't drive, is chronically mean yet happy to take advantage of your hospitality although equally capable of booking himself a nice holiday without you, and your friends don't like him! I reckon you could do much better, tbh!
YABU for having kesha lyrics as your username.
I totally understand YANBU.
plus if he makes no effort now it won't get any better later.
You do seem to have quite a few reservations, OP.
How was your birthday, ticktock?
Come on OP - did you have a lovely birthday and did the bf come up trumps?
If he didn't, frankly I would run for the hills. If he is not making any sort of effort this early on in the relationship, it is bad news.
Yep. If its not impressive he's not that into you.
How was your birthday OP Hope you had a good one.
Did your boyfriend get you a card and pressie?
What happened op?
Well you said you wanted nothing - I have been married to my DH for 15 years, he is a wonderful caring husband, helps around house, devoted to the kids, yet he has a block about birthdays - sees them as a waste of time - for him its another year when he hasn't achieved x, y or z. I have only got presents from him when I have explicitly asked - most years he hasn't bothered. I don't care anymore eg this year I will get myself an iphone5 and tell him its from him
If you have birthday needs, spell them out he is NOT a mind reader. I have amazon wish list, stuff at various prices, my sisters / parents / parents in law etc choose from the list.
Make a superb plan for your birthday that avoids him/expense/emotional issues.
If he's cheap, lose him - they don't change. Maybe he wants to move in with you at a good rate? It's been known.
Happy belated birthday! I've just read the whole thread, what happened OP?
<Drums fingers on desk impatiently>
HELLOOOOO... Tell us what happened.
he bought her a spade and she's buried him under the patio and legged it?
Bumping as I NEED to know!
OK, who is obsessed enough to PM her. I'm not
secretly am but I'm not going to.
Even if the OP received diamond earrings she should run for the hills!
Go on, MrsP you know you want to...
Surprised to see my thread on the first page.
He did buy me a gift, which was something id expect from my mother; pjs and socks.
No meal, i cooked for him. He didnt even wash up. No wine, no flowers, nothing.
I dumped him a few days later.
Well I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. How did he take the news? How are you feeling?
He was very upset and i feel guilty.
Oh, do NOT feel guilty
for that way lies getting back together with a waste of space!
It was a fairly new relationship, and you were perfectly correct when you said "I'm also sad that at this stage you would think he might be making some kind of effort." Be grateful that you have dodged The Bullet Of Eternal Disappointment.
Remember - Grateful, not Guilty!
Thanks for coming back to tell us. I'll admit, we are nosy and interfering. I think you dodged a bullet. Sorry you feel guilty. from me.
Yes thanks for coming back to tell us.
Hes doing the all upset thing precisely to guilt trip you. Dont fall for it xx
You deserve better x
I know. Im too old in the tooth to fall for it but still, its hard to do.
I don't often do anything for DH. I'm not really big on birthdays. Probably because it wasn't a big deal with my family, and mine especially was rarely celebrated. (due to the date, not because they don't like me, I don't think....)
My Dh is from a party-tastic birthday family. He teases me that I don't remember our anniversary and I don't do birthdays. But I do get him things throughout the year, i just don't save them up special for one day. Although I do try to do something for him, it's just I am not used to having my birthday celebrated, so it's hard to remember I'm not like most people!
However, if your BF is like me, and you require birthdays to be noticed no matter what you tell him, you're better off having dumped him, really.
ticktock I always used to feel rubbish when I'd ended a relationship, too. The thing is, although he may well be a very nice person, he would have continued to disappoint you for ever and ever. Being a cheapskate and thoughtless are not very attractive character traits - if it was just about the present, that might be different, but there were quite a few red flags...
Oh, I see you did
Good for you kiddo.
Thanks goodness you dumped the loser and stopped listening to his shit excuses for everything. You did the right thing. Now, don't waste another second thinking about him - just breathe a sigh of relief he is gone as he really was a loser.
Good for you! Pj's and socks? Jesus Christ! What a twat!
Aw come on, it's not the pjs and socks that's the problem, it's the lack of thought. That could be a nice present combined with cooking supper and buying a bottle of her favourite wine. But it wasn't!
PJs and socks! He must have grabbed the first things he saw in the shop. A present like that is acceptable when you have been together a few years (I love new pjs) but not when he's supposed to be impressing you.
Glad you got out Ticktock.
I once dumped someone because we got onto the subject of 'romance' in relationships, and he told me he just wasn't a romantic. I asked him if that meant he would NEVER buy me flowers, and he said that was true. I honestly couldn't imagine a life with no romance, so I ended it, and am still glad to this day I did!
You don't have to be a desperate romantic to just want a nice surprise or some flowers every now and then. I'm sorry, but your bf sounds like my ex...could you live a lifetime with no romance...at all??
He would be dumped if there was no surprise on Tuesday.
Just realised I'm too late! Good decision - you won't regret it later on in life.
Good decision. It is good to have high standards, to know what you want and to know what you'll not settle. I married my settle, things like you've detailed bothered me and snowballed and I woke up one day and realised I could never 'rest' again knowing this wasn't the life I wanted. There were other massive, huge issues- but I should have seen them coming, given the early warning signs.
I left and found the person who was right for me. Never ever settle.
'When a person tells you who they are, believe them' - Maya Angelou
You are worth more than this. He gets away with this, he gets permission to get away with more.
(I so wish someone had told me this when I was little...)
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.