To have asked for it back?

[AngelHMum]

This is a bit of a long story so sorry before I begin.

When my husband and I married we gave each of our mothers an engraved locket and each of our fathers an engraved fountain pen, they had our names and the date of our marriage on them.

My husband's parents died six years ago very close together and very suddenly. His dad died first and after the funeral his mum gave my husband the fountain pen back saying she though we should have it.

His mum died a month later and my brother in law took all her jewellery "for safe keeping".

My husband's brother and sister then proceeded to carve up belongings between them and their children cutting my husband out. We didn't need or want anything anyway and they had teenage children off to uni or setting up homes. Our children are a lot younger than theirs.

A charm bracelet his mum had was kept by his sister - fair enough but the charms were taken off and split between my husband's neices and nephews leaving our children out. One of the nieces got two charms because she couldn't decide between them and our daughter didn't get a single one.
I know that probably sounds churlish on my part but it really upset me.

Anyway, my brother in law asked my husband about our locket and was it something we'd like. We said yes, especially as our daughter missed out on a charm. Brother in law said he'd bring the locket up next time he saw us. He didn't and since then he has avoided meeting us at family events ie if we go he doesn't.

We have asked him to send the locket by post to us but he says he doesn't want to trust Royal Mail.

Next month this saga will have been going on for seven years. I am fed up and would like the locket returned. I have bought a Royal Mail Special Delivery bag and had the postage pre-paid on it. I would like to send it to my brother in law and say please return the locket in this and we will take responsibility.

My husband thinks we should leave it for a quiet life and forget about it, but our daughter has no keepsake from her grandma and I feel my brother and sister in law have both been very selfish.

I don't want a heap of gold or a huge diamond, just a small silver locket that my daughter can treasure.

Am I being petty here, should I let it go or is it the principle that matters?

Thanks for your thoughts.

[waitingforbedtime]

I can see why you want it for your daughter but honestly, Id leave it. I would suggest he's lost it.

[insertwittynicknameHERE]

Sounds like he's lost it TBH and I am quite on your family behalf that non of you were included when things got split up and divided out.

Could you take your DD out and buy her a nice piece of jewelery in memory of her grandma. Like if your MIl had a favorite flower/animal etc you could get a nice piece of jewelery bearing the flower/animal and your MIL's name engraved on it.

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

YADNBU, I would be livid. Your BIL is a twunt and your DH needs to stand up to him.

[overweightnoverdrawn]

I reckon he has sold it and hasnt got the nerve to tell you.

[AngelHMum]

No - it won't have been lost.

His brother is the type who's kept every receipt he's had in his life and his book shelf and CD collection are in alphabetical order.

He still has it - we know he does - he just won't hand it over.

[Acanthus]

I don't think you are being petty. It has great sentimental value to you that it doesn't have to anyone else. YOur DD should have it.

[AngelHMum]

Thank you "insertwittynameher" for being cross on our behalf. The rest of the stuff honestly didn't matter to us.

We had a sofa and a tv and a microwave etc... if the neices and nephews needed them then fine. The charm bracelet did upset me because there would have been one charm for each grandchild if shared out fairly.

I must admit it has crossed my mind that he may have sold it. However it wasn't very expensive and I doubt he'd have got more that £5 for it second hand - even on ebay lol.

Also as it was personalised it would be hard to sell on unless you had the same names and wedding day as us.

[Morloth]

I don't think you are being petty but I also don't think it is worth getting upset over either.

[Winetimeisfinetime]

Yanbu to want the locket back

Did you mil leave a will and was bil the executor If so he has a legal responsibility to distribute the assets as per her wishes
If she died intestate then all of the siblings have equal rights to her property and he has no legal right to take all of her valuables and dispose of them as he wants

If he doesnt see you now anyway you dont seem to have much to lose by putting more pressure on to get the locket back

[SparkOfSense]

I would be very angry at this.
I would love to hear him justify why his DD had 2 keepsakes of her gran and your DD none.

Could you ask him again and put a time limit on it so he has to face the issue.
Get your DH to call him and say you want to give DD the locket for her birthday/some other occasion in 2 weeks time, so he would need to post it by Friday to ensure you have it on time. Better still arrange a courier to call to collect it - that way it's not the Royal Mail, you are paying so that's not an excuse and he would need a brass neck to lie about the courier not having arrived/having lost it as it would all be documented by the driver.

Is it a valuable piece in monetary terms or is it more sentimental?

[vaunieathome]

I am so so sorry for you - what a horrible position to be in and I quite understand why you are upset over this. The charms really should have been shared out fairly - why should one granddaughter have two and another one none??? I am so outraged on your behalf. I would make one final attempt to get the locket and, if they are not forthcoming, then I would write and tell them that as they are obviously not going to give you the locket or be fair about the charms you are going to buy something little in memory of the granny instead. Probably wont make much of a difference to such selfish people but at least your point will have been made and you might feel slightly better about the whole sorry situ. Again, I am so so sorry.

[Hullygully]

Fuckers.

Insist (pleasantly) on having it back.

[Itsjustafleshwound]

YANBU - but I would leave it and wouldn't continue to ask for it.

[insertwittynicknameHERE]

I am for you and your family, regardless of weather you wanted or needed anything, it would have been polite for your BIL & SIL to offer you and especially your DH and DD some keepsake as a reminder of their mum and grandmother.

I also do not think it is in any way petty of you to want this back as it is not only a reminder of your MIL but of your wedding.

I really hope your BIL will give you it back but I don't think he will. If he hasn't sold or lost it then he is just being plain greedy and nasty to hold on to it, especially since you have asked for it back for the past 7 years! Also since the original offer for something came from your BIL.

[waitingforbedtime]

Hmm if youre sure he wont have lost it then yes ask for it back as the only reason I can see for keeping it is spite.

[solo]

Why do people get greedy when someone dies? It's such a common occurance and so unnecessary.
Could you just turn up on his doorstep without warning and ask politely for it back and also bring up the subject of the charm? I know I would!

[AngelHMum]

Yes there was a will but my mother in law didn't leave specific wishes about furniture and jewellery. Just the money and the house were the main items to deal with.

The executors were her three children but my husband was shut out of the whole process. The other two are much closer in age and in distance to each other and their kids are roughly the same ages too. They wrapped everything up between them.

Spark of sense thanks for your comment about the time limit. We could do that quite easily as our daughter's birthday is coming up.

The locket isn't valuable it is just sentimental worth but for me this is also now a point of principle.

[BuzzingNoise]

YANBU and you are not being petty. I think it should naturally go to your children.

[FindingMyMojo]

YANBU - I think the prepaid post bag idea is great.

Could BIL be any more badly behaved? Perhaps the problem is he has given it to his child?
But I think you are right to push this - if for your daughter if nothing else. It's lovely and special to have a momento from your Grandparents & it's really quite cruel & thoughless to leave your kids out.

[SparkOfSense]

He seems sneaky rather than confrontational IMO. If you bring the issue out in the open, like in the birthday present scenario I suggested above, he will either have to return it or outright refuse. Which doesn't seem very likely, he won't be able to justify it on any level, really.

I completely agree, it's the principle of the thing.

[solo]

But if you do send the pre paid packet and say that you take full responsibility then if he has a mind to, he could just say he posted it too you and you might end up with an empty envelope delivered.

[Squitten]

YANBU - it's really disgusting how some people behave over the deaths of relatives.

I think in situations like these, you have one of 2 options: either you confront your ILs head on and demand to know why your family was left out and where the locket is, or you let it go completely and give up any hope of getting what you want.

In the first scenario, you'll get an answer but risk the familial bust up that will likely follow and in the second scenario, you lose out but you maintain familial relations and have a quiet life. If it just drags on forever, it's going to annoy you more than anyone else

[AngelHMum]

Solo - the pre-paid packet is special delivery and has a tracking number on it.

It would need to be taken to a post office but it would be next day delivery guaranteed and fully tracked.
The chances of it getting lost are virtually nil and we'd know via Royal Mail if he ever did post it or not.

I must admit I love your suggestion to just turn up on the doorstep. Not sure if I'm quite brave for that though. It's taken me almost seven years of polite requests and knockbacks to get to the point of sending a self addressed envelope !!

[solo]

Yes Angel, but he doesn't have to put the locket inside it iyswim? just send the envelope and claim it must've got lost or something.

[FindingMyMojo]

ANGEL - I'd give him the envelope PUBLICALLY, and say, in a moderate voice, so everyone can hear something like "I'm amazed I'm having to resort to this, but there is pre-paid special delivery envelope for GM's locket you've been saying you'll pass to us for seven years now. It's very important DD has something to remember her grandma by. And in case you haven't guessed, I'm not going to give up until she has it".

Then smile your most devestating smile and look deep into his eyes so he (and everyone else) knows you mean every word, he's a prize pillock, you will never give up and you will shame him at every family gathering until he deals with it.

Pity your husband hasn't dealt with this really - his brother afterall! GO YOU!