Is my marriage going to fall apart before my baby is born?

[Marissa1984]

I think my husband has a drink problem - I can't remember the last time a day went without him having a drink. However his drinking is now worse than ever and I'm only 27 weeks pregnant. He has said he will quit drinking when the baby arrives and as much as would like to believe him I don't think he can.

He is 40 and has latched onto a female friend who is 23 (bearing in mind I am 26) and it appears she is his new drinking buddy. Neither of us were particularly close with her yet now she refers to him as one of her best friends. She recently dumped her boyfriend and apparently self harms so clearly has issues and to me and some friends she seems quite immature. Because she's been feeling down she seems to want to go out and get drunk all the time and my husband seems to be joining her.

Recently we have argued several times as he appears to be going off the rails, particularly over the last fortnight. They are always inviting each other out to drink and this has resulted in him drinking at our house with her till he passes out on the sofa, going out and coming home drunk late at night or early hours of the morning - even when he has work the next day - and on several occasions not coming home at all.

He has been working Saturday nights at our friend's nightclub, and has asked this girl to work on the bar for him. They don't normally finish before 6am Sunday then go drinking round someone's house, either hers or another colleague's. This weekend he saw me briefly Saturday morning whilst getting ready for his day job, then for about 10 minutes during the day when I paid him a visit. He went straight from there to the nightclub, and although he called me Sunday morning at 10:15am saying he was just leaving (sounding quite drunk at the time) she later let it slip that the 2 of them had left the club at 6am - and he had mentioned the names of 2 people he claimed to be with yet not hers. He apparently fell asleep, woke up after lunch, jumped in her shower and then was heading to the pub with her and some other friends. As I was very angry and upset that he had lied we argued via text message, well I was texting him and he wasn't replying. I was also in text conversations with her trying to explain that I am very unhappy that I get hardly any time to spend with him and she is always going drinking with him. She seemed to defend him, saying he didn't want to stay at home all the time - which I explained I had never asked him to do! I had merely asked him to spend more time with me, less in the pub and to try doing things together that didn't involve him drinking alcohol.

Eventually neither of them replied to me and he didn't come home at night. This means I have seen him for less than an hour in the space of 2 whole days.

I now have insomnia, and keep crying all the time as I can't believe this is happening and that neither of them seem to think there is anything wrong in their behaviour.

I am not sure that there is an affair going on - I really didn't think he would try anything like that now we're married and have a baby on the way as he knows he has too much to lose. But part of me can't help but be suspicious. They both say they are friends but with them spending so much time together and him already having stayed at hers before and no doubt he is there right now what am I supposed to think???

I no longer want a friendship with her and I am in 2 minds whether to ask him to sit and talk to me and resolve this or to tell him they're clearly better suited and he should move out of our house and end our marriage and I would not want him anywhere near my baby. As much as I want my baby to have a father around I don't want to have a husband who lies to me, disrespects me and would rather be in the company of her and an alcoholic drink than with me.

Although we have been together nearly 10 years we have only been married 7 months and I don't think I can handle the stress of a divorce right now.

We rarely talk about our problems, yet less than a week ago we had a major argument about similar behaviour and we had talked and I thought it had been resolved, we made an agreement, and yet in a matter of days he has broken both the agreement and my trust.

Am I over-reacting? Is it me being hormonal because I'm pregnant? Should I put my foot down and make him choose between me and the baby or her? Or should I just start packing his bags now?

[llareggub]

You have my deepest sympathies. I found out that my DH had a drinking problem not long after my first child was born. Happily, he is sober now and has been for around 3 and a half years, with the help of AA.

Your biggest problem is the drinking rather than the woman. While he is drinking he will never be the husband or father you want it to be. Where are you based? If you are Midlands based I will be able to point you in the direction of a support group for people like us who live with addicts.

Alcoholics are by nature selfish and devious and will seek out the company of other drinkers. It is perfectly possible that all he wants from her is someone else who drinks like him.

If I could do it all again I would only stay with my DH is he recognised that he had a problem with alcohol and took steps to address that. Do you think yours would?

You are not over-reacting, or being hormonal. But I would concentrate on the drinking rather than the woman.

[fustyarse]

good god, you are no over-reacting

he is behaving like a twat. His friendship with this woman is really inappropriate; not especially because of the age gap or the fact she is he opposite sex - but because he is spending the vast majority of his time with her, drinking (starting drinking a 6am? WTF?) and choosing to be with her instead of you, his pregnant wife.

Do you wan to be married to a man who behaves like this? His lack of respect for you is astonishing, I would not be able to put up with it.

He needs to know exactly how his behaviour is making you feel - you can do this by sitting him down, and telling him in no uncertain terms that it has to stop.

The last thing you need is this amount of stress during your pregnancy, it's no good for you or your baby. Put yourself and your baby first and get your dh kicked into touch.

Oh, and even if nohing's happened between them yet, it is most definitely on the cards.

Sorry

[EricNorthmansmistress]

Oh poor you. You are not overreacting. You are trapped in a nightmare There are several problems - his drinking, which is not healthy or normal and indicates a problem - his 'friendship' with this silly destructive girl who is undermining you - and his 'lifestyle' working two jobs and clubbing til 6am every week which is completely incompatible with being a husband and father.

I suggest you show him this thread when you have a few more replies. It's a bit last ditch but I can't see that discussing it rationally will work at this stage. Failing that I think I'd be considering leaving

[SarfEasticated]

Sounds terrible for you, any way you can go away together for a few weeks to get some distance? He sounds like he is too caught up in this destructive social life to think clearly. Hope things improve for you...

[TartyMcFarty]

What's your domestic/family/financial situation? I ask because in your shoes I would be preparing to kick him out and I wouldn't necessarily be holding high hopes of him living up to his responsibilities when the baby arrives.

Aside from the drinking (alcoholism), his involvement with this woman is despicable. He sounds like he thinks he's 20.

Desperately sorry for you Marissa.

[tethersend]

"I am not sure that there is an affair going on - I really didn't think he would try anything like that now we're married and have a baby on the way as he knows he has too much to lose."

Does this mean he's been unfaithful before?

Also, you've been together 10 years? So you were 16 and he was 30?

I don't think it matters whether he's having an affair or not- he is treating you appallingly and you need to end it.

[capricorn76]

Hopefully this isn't going to sound harsh as its sometimes hard to get the right tone in written communication so apologies in advance.

Basically this is what I see. He started going out with you when he was 30 and you were 16. That indicates to me some level of immaturity on his part as a 30year old man shouldn't have much in common with 16 year olds....unless when you were younger you were partying as hard as him (which would make sense as you were a teenager) which would've attracted him to you as many woman his own age would've started slowing down.

Were you both partying and drinking a lot on your early years? Maybe now you've changed, matured and are pregnant and can no longer party and drink, he has found another new, young immature person who is a bit too naive to wonder why a middle aged man wants to party and drink all the time?

He's got more than one issue, firstly he is an alcoholic and also he can't handle adult relationships.

I feel so sorry for you because he really needs help but this doesn't sound like a new problem to me, sounds like he was always this way, you were probably just too young at the time thinking he was just a young at heart fun guy.

Does he have any relatives you can confide in as I think you should also speak to people who know you personally as well as your doctor as you need professional advice.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you as you don't need this especially whilst pregnant, take care.

[mistletoekisses]

Marissa - am so sorry to read your OP. I dont think YABU at all.

What your OP doesnt say (and this could well be that it is because you dont know what he is like sober, because he drinks every day) is what sort of person he is when not drinking. If outside of drinking, he is actually a very thoughtful and amazing person then I would try and work this out. But only if he is willing to face up to the fact that he has a problem and change his behaviour/ seek counselling.

If he is actually not that nice a person/ or not willing to admit that he has a problem, then I think you need to start looking at your options - financially etc. Living with a person like this is terrible. Alcoholics can be very narcisstic people -unable to see other peoples viewpoints and unable to take responsibility for their actions.

You need to sit down and have a face to face conversation - texting is a terrible medium of communication. And he needs to take some responsibility for his actions. His behaviour is not even acceptable if he was dating you. It is even worse given that you are married and pregnant!

Here is a great organisation that could give you some advice.

[mistletoekisses]

And OP, one other thing

"I am not sure that there is an affair going on - I really didn't think he would try anything like that now we're married and have a baby on the way as he knows he has too much to lose."

He doesnt know that I am afraid . If he did, then he wouldnt even be doing what he is doing now. Because to be honest, most people would have told him to not bother coming home if he ever did that again (staying out drinking with another woman and not coming home).