or should I just get used to being treated like an idiot?

[ilovecats]

Another PIL and SIL one I'm afraid, but genuinely need advice on this one please!

I used to love and trust PIL and SIL like my own family, although they have always treated me a bit like an idiot. I learned to rise above it.
All changed when DD (16months) arrived. Suddenly, PIL and SIL behaved like they had a child and wanted'to take over', and kept tryin to send me away (eg. why don' you sleep, why don't you go out shopping-the day after I got home from hospital) I could do nothing right, and still can't. Comments are made every time they see her (plus e-mails to DP how I don't know what I am doing and should be doing xyz) and I have learned to just ignore it, and keep visits to a minimum.
I am now pregnant with twins, due in December. MIL and SIL are now continually making comments such as :'How will you cope?' and 'You will never magage' and 'We feel so sorry for DD'. MIL also says every time I see her (about 3-4 times a week) how the babies will obviously be in special care for a long time and how it will be very sad for me, and how I will struggle.
Now I am obviously aware that this pregnancy is a higher risk pregancy. I am also aware, that life with a toddler and 2 new born twins will be very, very busy- but why on earth would I not cope? Plenty of women do and why should I be any different?
And do I really need to be told every time that my babies may have to be delivered early and need to be in special care? Why can't we just think positively?

Are these just pregnancy hormones, or is it time to say something? It is really getting me down.

[violethill]

You need to seriously back off, and get your DH to support you on this one.

You say you keep your visits to a mimimum, but then say you see your MIL 3-4 times per week. That is way too much. It doesn't give you a chance to get on and make your own life, and be an independent adult. I would have felt truly suffocated seeing anyone outside the immediate family that often when my kids were small. Talk to your DH about how you can change things so that your PIL aren't living in your pockets. That's the only way.

[elmofan]

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I agree with violethill tbh 3-4 times a week seeing your in laws is a bit much . at least when the twins are here you will have the perfect excuse of being far to busy to visit them .

[slushy06]

I agree with violethill too My MIL kept trotting the how will you cope line when I was pg on dc2 ( and that was one) I replied others cope and so will I. Congratulations on your pg. But you definitely need to slow MILS visits I couldn't stand my own mum visiting that much. Does SIL have dc?

[SirBoobAlot]

Your ILs sound delightful Can you just tell them outright what you think of them, and then blame it on pregnancy hormones? What does your DH say when they come out with such horrible comments.

Congrats on your twins

[fruitful]

Get your dp supporting you - which means replying to the emails and comments in a firm, positive way. And do the same yourself - deadpan, brief, repetitive replies - "I will cope, I'll be fine, I will manage, 50% of twin pgs go full-term, Lucky dd to be getting two siblings, etc etc. If they don't get the message they might at least get bored!

If my ILs were like that I'd be seeing them 3-4 times a year. You need to cut right back, and if they complain get dp to explain why.

Or you could go on the attack [evil grin] - "Ooh you're getting old, how will you cope?".

[mumblechum]

Another one here who thinks there's no way youshould be seeing your ILs that often ( I see mine once every couple of years, but they're miles away).

I'd say cut the visits down initially to once a week then down to once a fortnight, max.

they're obviously massively undermining your confidence.

Unless they come round to do your ironing, take the toddler out or do other useful stuff then they're doing you no good at all by the sound of it.

[Madinitials]

Loads of twins go to term, my brother and I were born the day before our due date and were 7lbs each and that was back in the 70s!!

Maybe your MIL thinks that when she asks how you'll cope, you'll say "with your help of course MIL". You will cope and she is being out of order belittling and worrying you. You see her way too often, I also think you need to cut back on visits.

Just smile sweetly each time she makes a comment. She will soon get bored when she has no response from you.

[TakeLovingChances]

YANBU, but you are being very restrained by not telling them to eff off!

[LimaCharlie]

Ugh 3-4 times a week - agree with everyone else you need to back right away from that arrangement.

IIWY I would talk to DH about how upsetting their comments are - his family - he needs to tackle them - you don't need stress or upset.

And congrats btw

[Needanewname]

Def talk to DH and make sure he backs you up

And of course you will cope!

[diamondsandtiaras]

congratulations on the twins! I have a friend who has 7 month old twins and a 2.5yo......hard work but she manages just fine!

IMO your DH needs to step up to the plate and tell the ILs where to get off.......he shouldn't be putting up with them treating you like that.

[Coralanne]

At first I thought you might be taking them the wrong way.

My DD has 4 DC and on the odd occasion I have said "I don't know how she copes with 4 DC.

Truely I am saying it in admiration. I only have 2DC and it always felt full on all the time.

My DD is always very calm and laid back and the children are the same.

Just tell them outright to please stop all the negative talk and cut back the visits gradually to 3 times a week, twice a week, once a week. (they might not notice [grin}

[Coralanne]

meant to be .

Hope all goes well with the pregnancy. Very exciting time for you and DH.

You sound as though you might be like my DD. Fairly placid and go with the flow.

[Goblinchild]

Tell them they have to say three positive things to you before one negative.
TBH, I'd be yelling at my OH to keep his doommongering parents off my back.

[ivykaty44]

I think you need to sit this pari down and say

"please please can you stop being so negative about this pg, if you continue to be negative about the babies and me dd then I am going to have to limit the amount of time I see you as I want to be positive and think how I will cope and how the pg could go near to term - but you obviously dont and your negative comments may well end up efecting my health and the babies - so stop now and we can all get along and have a positive pg and babies at the end" if they turn around and say oh no they are not being negative -then say well every time you say a negative comment I shall tell you off ok

treat them like the silly children they have become.

[Coralanne]

meant to be .

Hope all goes well with the pregnancy. Very exciting time for you and DH.

You sound as though you might be like my DD. Fairly placid and go with the flow.

[ilovecats]

Thanks for your advice everyone, and the congratulations. We are very very excited, especially as we wanted three anyway!

To be honest, I also thought I was taking it the wrong way, but MIL especially just keeps saying it again, and again, and it is the tone she uses also. It's funny, because I would not put up with any of this from anyone at work or any of my friends, but I just don't want to burn my bridges and offend them. I thought they would get bored with it too if I just don't rise to it.

SIL has no kids at all, so clearly has no idea what she is talking about- which makes her look really stupid actually.

I should say, the 3 to 4 times a week visits from MIL are only very recent, and as we will be moving away in 3 weeks time (1 hour drive away from them), were a special request from her to see DD as much as she possibly before we move. Although I feel like she is actually just using this time to get at me now, rather than enjoy DD!

[slushy06]

Wow don't envy you moving whilst pg with twins. SIL doesn't have children yet is trying to tell you what to do . Actually I have started saying the same thing for any interference I say 'my baby my rules suffice it to say unlike you I have researched my choice in this matter and I have not made this choice based just by my personal opinion if you would like to go and research it and then come back to me with some hard facts I will be happy to discuss this further'. I only had to say it twice to both MIL and my mum and my nan and hey presto they hardly interfere now. Good luck with your pg I hope things go as well as they can.

[saslou]

I think you have to be blunt here because these people are undermining you. I would aim for calm and polite, but firm and would be saying to them that their comments are rude and hurtful and that your life is none of their business. If they don't stop with their negative attitude then you will not want them to be around your children in the future. Your DH should have put a stop to this before now - it is not on to allow his family to bully his wife and you need to make it clear to him that you have had enough and your terms are non negotiable. Be strong. And reduce their visits to once a week tops.

Many congratulations on your pregnancy.

[fruitful]

Ah, an hour away sounds better. And of course you will be too busy to go to them. And far too busy to make meals or anything when they visit ...

[saslou]

Meant to add that some people don't get bored if you ignore their behaviour, they just get worse, which is why they need to have some boundaries set sooner rather than later

[Elzy]

They're bang out of order IMO. Very nasty, snidey and passive aggressive. They should be being supportive and offering you help for the future, whilst trying to boost your confidence at the same time. But they're not. They're trying to bring you down - don't let them.

Next time one of them says something like this, lose your rag at them a little. Maybe say something a long the lines of;

"Okay - I get it! You don't think I will be able to cope (as you keep banging on about it)! So what are you actually suggesting I do about it?! Have a late term abortion? Give the twins up for adoption?! What is it that you would like to see happen here because you seem so sure that I won't be able to cope I'm wondering what you think I should do next?! Go on - spit it out!!!"

Really let 'em have it. If they fail to stop the doom-mongering, then I'd stop visits altogether and get your DH to have a serious word until they get it through their thick skulls. YADNBU - nobody should have to put up with that amount of negativity during pregnancy!

Oh, and congratulations btw!!!