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AIBU?

help me get my head round this.. not sure if IABU

53 replies

ladylargeofnorks · 22/06/2010 12:42

so S&BiL have had a load of stuff from us for their baby, great, we cleared out pram& pushchair, cot, baby car seat, washable nappies, bath, boucy chair etc. it was beneficial to both of us and we were very happy to do it.

baby is now older and passed the age for the next stage car seat, I now know she has been waiting for us to offer our old seat (ahich we have still because we hadn't got round to getting rid of it)
I thought that was a little presumptious, but hey I really didn't think I minded.
But then she has just called up and asked if we could take down the next age of clothing as the little one has grown out of the clothes we have give. Oh and have we finished with the stroller so they don't have to buy one

So - thoughts going through my head.

They have a much larger household income than us and it is not as if they can't afford to buy some clothes.

We don't need the clothes, so what am I bothered about?

It just isn't sitting straight with me and I think IABU but part of me wants to forget to take the clothes but that isn't actually resolving the things going through my head..

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SirBoobAlot · 22/06/2010 12:43

They're being ungrateful and rude. I'd tell them to get stuffed.

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FabIsGettingFit · 22/06/2010 12:46

YANBU.

No one should assume they are going to be given something and should be grateful if and when they are.

If you don't need the items why not sell them on ebay? You don't owe your B/SIL anything.

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julybutterfly · 22/06/2010 12:47

Tell her you're skint and was going to sell it on Ebay but you're willing to sell them to her a bit cheaper if she wants

YANBU

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booyhoo · 22/06/2010 12:48

they are being presumptious but i would have no problem at all in giving them everything. if you want it back, let her know quite clearly.

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minibmw2010 · 22/06/2010 12:48

I would just tell her that you've sold them already, sorry.

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BigFatSepticToe · 22/06/2010 12:49

tell them you have already sold/given the stuff to charity or a friend

they should not EXPECT it will go to them

tell them its on ebay for £x amount but you will do them 20% off

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twolittlemonkeys · 22/06/2010 12:49

YANBU, very rude and presumptious. Tell them you gave them to a friend who is really hard up and knew they wouldn't mind as they can actually afford to buy things for their baby!

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ladylargeofnorks · 22/06/2010 12:49

S & I are quite close and I don't want this to become a problem between us, I just need to get over it I think, DH has already made comments about how much stuff we have given them without any money changing hands.

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booyhoo · 22/06/2010 12:49

oh yes and get her to return all the clothes her dc has gown out of in exchange for the stuff you are now giving her.

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SirBoobAlot · 22/06/2010 12:51

If you're close then be frank about it. Tell her you spent a lot of money on everything, and as happy as you were to help them out, the fact she has been so rude is not acceptable. They're taking advantage, so if they want any more stuff they're going to have to give you some money for it.

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Thistledew · 22/06/2010 12:51

How about inviting them to come to yours to sort through the next stage of clothes?

I can see why, even though you are willing to give the things away, you might be feeling a bit taken for granted.

It won't make much difference either way if they come to you and collect it, but it might just make it seem psychologically that you are giving a generous gift, rather than just being a free delivery service, if they have to put in a bit of effort to get the items.

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ladylargeofnorks · 22/06/2010 12:52

Booyhoo, I think that is what I will do,
I have a friend that runs a charity of very young mums and they are always looking for stuff, If I ask for the other things back and I can give them to my friend then it will perhaps sit easier.

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booyhoo · 22/06/2010 12:54

good idea. also, you could just tell sis that you didn't know she was expecting all dd's clothes.

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RudeEnglishLady · 22/06/2010 13:00

YANBU.

Give it to the Womens Aid or Teen Mums group. You'll feel more satisfied and your sister can't fault your actions.

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piratecat · 22/06/2010 13:05

yeah just say you have promised stuff to charity.

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AlCrowley · 22/06/2010 13:20

YANBU.

My sister is expecting at the moment and we've been handing on everything we've finished with. Just clothes mainly as our DD will only be 7 months older so cots etc are still in use, although we did give our old buggy as we bought a double.

We're happy to do that but I did get a bit pissed when she gave me some clothes for DD as a present before she was born. I said how lovely they were and she replied "yes, hang onto them and I'll have them back when my baby arrives"

DD hadn't even had a chance to wear them and she was claiming them back!

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barbigirl · 22/06/2010 13:26

It would rankle for me too, for the same inexplicable reason. BUT I think you risk looking tight/ petty if you don't hand them over.

Her attitude is really annoying but as you have no good articulate reason why not, you could be cast as being unreasonable.

You could say you'd like to give half to Women's Aid/ Teen mums (lovely idea) and could she do the same with the rest after she's finished with it? That might hint at the truth- that she's not a charity case and you are a generous lovely person!

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Sal321 · 22/06/2010 13:45

YANBU but you need to set boundaries. Our first baby is due in a couple of months and B & SIL mentioned a few times a few items we could have (quite significant bits of kit) and I felt terribly rude asking for a list, but we wanted to know what we need to buy. We are incredibly grateful and I can imagine easily getting into the situation you're in now and really don't want to.

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catalogoferrors · 22/06/2010 13:52

YANBU

My SIL has one 10 mths older than my first, she actually said to me, "I'm not going to give or lend you anything in case it gets lost or ruined" (I'm not that flaky honest!)

Then when she had her second 20 mths after my dd she asked if she could have loads of stuff (sling, bouncy chair etc) that she hadn't had the first time around - I was quite speechless at her cheek.

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rots · 22/06/2010 13:56

Or ask her for some money towards it (reasonable second hand cost) and donate 1/2 the cash to the charity and use the other half to buy the next round of clothes for your own child.

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MadreInglese · 22/06/2010 13:57

YANBU

Yes you would probably hand stuff down anyway but it's the presumption that's annoying

I used to hand stuff down to a friend with a younger DD and it drove me nuts when she started commenting on my DD's new outfits "oooh DD-Inglese how lovely is that dress?! Hurry up and grow out of it so my DD can have it" cheeky mare!

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DuelingFanjo · 22/06/2010 13:58

tell her that you've sold them on ebay.

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DuelingFanjo · 22/06/2010 13:59

infact

put them on ebay and send her a link

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zerominuszero · 22/06/2010 13:59

I do think it's bad for her to expect it, but then again, I'm not sure if I buy the "but they're richer than us" line. When you go drinking and someone offers to buy you a drink, do you say "oh no, I should be buying you one, as I earn £30k and you only earn £25k - oh no, wait, Jenny over there earns £35k so she should be buying us drinks all night"

-see what I mean? Surely for some favours household income is largely irrelevent...?

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bleedingheart · 22/06/2010 14:01

YANBU, that sense of entitlement would really get to me too. It's one thing to accept donations and expect that there might be more but to phone and ask when they will be delivered?! Sheesh.

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