Not parenting my DH

[Mendeleyev]

I am in a card shop with DDs buying Fathers day cards. I also buy two extra cards for my FIL and sFIL. I won't write and send cards to DHs family as I don't expect him to write and send cards to mine. DH has failed to write and send cards as yet and I am pretty sure it won't get done. He hasn't asked me to sort it out and I haven't offered. I could post the cards but I just think I would be setting a precedent and making a rod for my own back. AIBU?

[LynetteScavo]

YANBU.

[bearcrumble]

You could remind him once (making sure you had his full attention while reminding him) and leave them in a prominent place then if he still doesn't do it, it's his choice rather than forgetfulness.

[EveWasFramed10]

YANBU. I think it's just wrong for the wife to resume all holiday card giving responsibility!! Your FIL may be lovely, but he isn't your Father!

[camdancer]

YANBU. My family and DH don't do fathers day, so I never buy any cards. If I remember, I do tell DH that fathers day is coming up. I told him this morning as I saw something that reminded me. Then it's up to him. He's an adult. Early on in our relationship he asked me not to mother him, i.e. nag him, so I don't. It works for us. (Whether my MIL sees it that way I haven't asked! )

[Mendeleyev]

I have nagged reminded him nicely once each day including half an hour ago when he went to the gym. He could have gone past the post box and shop on the way.

[Booboobedoo]

DH and I have this arrangement. (He looks after his family and I mine).

Funny thing is, I've had a few comments from his family intimating that they think I've been a bit slack on occasion.

They assume that I am in charge of cards/presents/visits.

I can't be arsed to disabuse them - just smile vaguely.

[bearcrumble]

Oh well, sod him then. You've done enough.

[minipie]

YADNBU

They are not your father or stepfather. It is not your responsibility to send them a card. It is not your responsibility to remind your DH to do so either.

If FIL and SFIL are the sort to care about cards, they probably want to get one written by their son, not their daughter in law anyway.

(Bear in mind though that many men, especially of an older generation, don't care about Fathers Day at all).

[Annabel7]

Yeh, I hate the assumption that the woman in any relationship will take on all present and card buying. I have a big family and dh only has mum and dad to buy for and still doesn't manage it most of the time! They probably think I'm a bit slack but hey, ho....

[booyhoo]

YANBU

i dont buy any cards for OH's family. i dont know any of their birthdays for starters but even if i did i wouldn't buy them. he doesn't buy them either unless he is home and is reminded by one of them. i dont do his xmas cards either. and i dont care if his family think it is me being slack, they need to wake up and realise he is an adult and responsible for himself.

my mum always bought for my dad's family and she stil does, and she has always resented it. but there is no talking to her.

[TastesLikePanda]

OMG - it's not just my DH! I once got a 'black mark' from MIL because DH forgot her birthday - apparantly it was my fault because it 'wasn't written on the calendar'. Every year since then we have been given a calendar with all his family birthdays (and anniversaries etc) written on it.

It always goes straight in the bin.

[kickassangel]

i once got my hand slapped by MIL, (actually slapped, but in a 'jokey' way - ha), cos I had forgotten hers & sFIL wedding anniversary.

i explained that I had enough family of my own, and dh does his own.

dh thinks that ALL cards are a waste of money & trees & point blank refuses to buy them.

MIL never bothered to slap HIS wrist.

[violethill]

Good god it wouldn't occur to me to 'parent' my DH.

Up to him if he ever sent cards.

[PortiaNovmerriment]

Buying cards for your DP/H is a slippery slope. Mine always forgets, but I've never felt inclined to take over- it's his lookout.

[DastardlyandSmugly]

I always buy the cards but won't write or send them, hence I have a drawer full of cards.

[julybutterfly]

I do all the card and present buying here but that's because I like doing it!

He does remember my birthday/mothers day/wedding anniversary though thankfully

YANBU if you don't like doing it though

[muriel76]

Totally agree - YANBU.

Like Portia said, once you take it over it is a slippery slope.

I have my mum and sister (and her 3 kids and hubby) and that's it.

DH is one of 4, with both parents, 3 grandparents, a niece etc not to mention the mystical cousins (suspect they don't exist as in 13 years I am yet to meet them) and various other hangers on.

I would rather boil my own head than take on their needs!!!!!! If he doesn't care why the f**k should I?

[Mendeleyev]

Phew! Glad IANBU. It's just the stupid girly guilt thing kicking in. Any suggestions on how to get rid of guilt cheerfully accepted! He's gone onto moonpig now so it's sorted.

[lazarusb]

My MIL stops talking to us if we forget her wedding anniversary. Shame isn't it?

[kickassangel]

lazarusb - i wish MIL would do the same! dh keeps quietly hoping that we'll piss her off enough that she'll cut us out (she's done it to others), but so far we are still hanging in there. bugger, perhaps i should start sending offensive cards deliberately?

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

TastesLikePanda; once, in an attempt to be sweet and get my husband off the hook for forgetting his Mum's birthday, I (yes, I - I don't know why I volunteered) asked her if she would be really sweet and send us an email with all the family birthdays on it, because we'd "lost" our spreadsheet with them on. She likes doing that sort of thing, so I got it within two days. Printed it out, gave it to my husband.

He's lost it, of course. And because I asked for it in the first place, now I'm clearly the one to blame for every forgotten birthday.

Grrrr.

[zazen]

lazarusb

[mathanxiety]

Oh TastesLikePanda -- maybe this is the explanation for the family b-day and anniversary calendar that exSIL took to passing out to all her side of the family, me and exH included? I never became exH's secretary, and I think he always resented me for it.

He assiduously sends cards for every possible event, makes the DCs send a thank you note the minute gifts are unwrapped, before they're allowed to even open the packaging. Ostentatiously Uriah Heepish twat.

[14hourstillbedtime]

I like cards. I couldn't care less about presents - don't need any more crap - but really, really appreciate people writing nice things. So, assuming at least some of my family feel the way I do I buy all the cards for pretty much everyone... and leave them in the designated card drawer... with a post-it note on each one saying who it's for. (DH has to write to his own family though - but in the card provided by moi, with stamps provided by same.)

A touch OCD, anyone?!