11 yo boyfriend and girlfriend - too young?

[BonAppetit]

DS in year 7 has met up with a crowd of girls. One of his friends has been 'going out' with one of the girls for a few months and now DS has got friendly with one of the other girls. This girl is texting DS incessantly, facebook, msn messages. Last week I caught him on his mobile phone at 3.00am talking to her. Since then we have taken phone, ipod, off him at 7pm each evening and limited broadband access in the evening too.

I know I shouldn't have read the texts they are sending but they are too grown up for my liking - ie seeing each other naked etc etc. The girl's mother takes her daughter to see ds's friends play football matches and recently has turned up at ds swimming training evening. They took photographs of him (no other children) and have subsequently posted them onto facebook. I find this, in itself, quite alarming!

The girls' parents had a party this last Saturday and ds asked if he could sleep over to which we said no. We said he could go to the party but that we would pick him up. As a result of this he must have called his friend and one of the other mothers asked to speak to me. She asked if he could sleep over and assured me he would be safe in a caravan at the bottom of the garden and that it would be alright because her 16 yo son would be there too. I had not met any of these people at this point. I said no again politely but feeling I had to justify myself. We dropped him off and met the parents and the girls just at the front door. Then at 10pm picked him up and ds informed us that these parents think we are wierd not letting him stay over etc etc. Ds is confused as he has a friend same age who is allowed to stay over not just the night but all weekend!

I am finding this hard to cope with as I feel very wary 1) of the girl's incessant texting (which is very controlling and needy), 2) the girls' parents not respecting my decision not to let him stay over and 3) my reaction to ds is all wrong when we previously had such a good, open and respectful relationship. I have told him he is too young for this and both my partner and I are concerned that he is being affected by being pulled in two directions.

Know they are all growing up fast but isn't 11 too young? and how do you deal with it?

[AMumInScotland]

I think it's pretty common for this age to label themselves as boyfriend/girlfriend so its not "too young" in that sense, but this seems like the girls mother is taking it too seriously and encouraging it far more than is healthy.

I wouldn't try to stop the "boyfriend" label, but I would try to stop the rest of it!

At 11, he shouldn't be texting or on the internet etc at night, so keep up with the ban on that. Also, who pays for his texting during the day? I'd put a limit on what I paid for, and even on what I let him pay for, so it is available for "fair use" but doesn't allow him to be on it constantly.

I would also admit that I had read the texts and had concerns - they shouldn't be getting naked together at 11 (too old or too young, depending how you look at it!)

Facebook - assuming you don't put up pictures of your DS swimming, I'd ask her to remove them. Actually I'm surprised she was allowed to take pictures anyway, our local pool bans cameras.

You're not being weird ahout the party - normally I would have let an 11 yo stay over, but not when there is this situation there. You may have to be the "meany" for a while, but I think you're right to reduce his chances to be alone with this girl, as he is too young to be relied on to be sensible about the situation.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

Not much advice for you as my ds is only 10 and still interested in pokemon!

At 11 I agree they are too young for such an intense 'relationship'.

I would be very wary of being too strict or you may end up with a rebellion on your hands.

[haoshiji]

Sounds like a tricky one, I guess he wants to be in with the in crowd and that is hard to get around - logic falls out the window.

It possibly sounds like the girl is manipulating him - but to what end and what carrot is being dangled? It?s a very difficult situation with lots or hormonal group dynamics going on. You will probably find the group ripped the piss back at school and that will make the divide worse.

Sorry that?s not much help.

[londonartemis]

I think you are right to be concerned. I would be more annoyed at the girl's mother for not respecting your views than anything. Also for putting photos of your son on Facebook. I think you would be justified asking her to remove them. You are right to step on the late night texting etc. I know a number of people who have had to do the same. (I have DC the same age as your DS). You can't ban their friends - you'll have a heck of a rebellion then, but I think you have got to be really open and honest with your DS and say why you are concerned in a way that suggests you are on his side rather than his controlling mother! Say you want to see all texts/facebook etc so that it is all above board for the time being. Explain that you're not being nosey, but just concerned that it's all ok. He might also be a bit overwhelmed by this girl's attention, and glad of you stepping in like this. Encourage him in other hobbies, friends etc and keep him busy during the summer holidays when hopefully you will get a break from this girl and she'll turn her sights elsewhere!

[Condensedmilkaddict]

OH MY GOODNESS.

I was completely shocked reading your post. WAY too young.

Very strange behaviour from the girls parents. They seem to be encouraging the relationship, which is clearly ridiculous...where on earth is it going to go?

They should be encouraging her in healthier pursuits - studying, sport, etc.

The whole scenario made me sad actually.

Stand your ground.

[chipmonkey]

YADNBU!

My eldest 2 are 13 and 11 and maybe I move in very conservative circles but I don't know any Mums of his female friends who would behave like these parents have done. They have had other boys sleep over but it wouldn't occur to me for a second to have them have a girl sleep over.

Yes, they do at that age have "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" but for the vast majority of them these are fairly innocent.

You sound like decent, concerned parents and very reasonable to me.

[LynetteScavo]

I wouldn't let my DS sleep over at a home of a family I'd never met, even with out taking everything else into consideration.

[brightyoungthing]

I agree with Condensedmilkaddict, much too young.
I can almost certainly guarantee that when my DD is 11 she will not be having boys sleeping over here, nor will I encourage her in her pursuit!!
The girls parents sound completely wacko and remind me of my friends parents. When she was 11 she had a serious BF, at 12 he was allowed to sleep over (he was 13) and they were having sex WITH HER PARENTS CONSENT
I found it weird then and even weirder now I am a mother
Sadly you will be the Meany mummy for a while but it's necessary IMO.
Good luck

[brightyoungthing]

I just re-read the bit about the taking photo's of your DS, who took the photo's? The Mother or girl?
Very strange. Why would the mother take her there in the first place with a camera?????

Then they pressured you into letting him sleep over?

You are right to feel alarmed !

I am alarmed for you

[cory]

absolutely agree with other posters; the parents sound weird and the girl manipulative

I'd say normal behaviour for this age group is hanging out in the corridors together, or maybe a shy kiss at the most

and for parents to disapprove of anything but the chastest of relationships

I'd be very surprised if this behaviour is the norm even among this girl's peer group

[lazarusb]

I think you are absolutely right. I'd never let my dcs stay over at someone's house unless I knew them well. I feel the parents are trying to bully you via your son and I wouldn't put up with that. They are only 11, I would be far from comfortable with any of this.