to think that MIL should think about her Grandson occasionally?

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Hi - long-time lurker and 1st time poster here. I don't think IABU, but am open to other opinions.
DH and I have one son, who will be 1 in August. We spent 10 years TTC, and finally after 3 rounds of IVF, DS arrived last year. MIL and FIL seemed supportive and interested during those pre-conception times, but have not shown much interest since DS arrived. When we brought him home, we had to go to their house to introduce him, and as we arrived, MIL opened the door and said "Oh, I'm just on my way to the hairdressers. I'll see him another day" and promptly went out. This has been the story pretty much since then - if we don't make the effort to go round/invite them over,then they just don't see him. Since February, they have seen him just 4 times. FIL is retired and MIL works flexi, and they live in the same town as us.
TBH we have made our peace with the way they are, and even though we often get knocked back, we regularly instigate contact. When they DO see him, they seem to enjoy him and engage with him - but then it's out of sight out of mind.
They came over yesterday for half an hour (at our request) and while they were here, MIL mentioned his birthday and that they plan to buy him a car seat. She asked me to pick one, and then (in the same breath) told us that she's got tickets to see Westlife (!) on DS's birthday. She knows we are having a party for close family, and when I said "You're going to miss his party" she said "I'll send a cake"
I feel as though I have been reasonable and patient over the last few months, (to the point of being a doormat, it seems) but now I feel that this is the last straw. She's not even a Westlife fan!!! DH is also p*ssed off, but says we should let it go - he says it's their loss, but I think it's ours too - and more importantly DS's. I want to say something, and sort it out - but should I? And if so, what?
Thank you

[TakeLovingChances]

"When they DO see him, they seem to enjoy him and engage with him - but then it's out of sight out of mind."

My ILs are like this. My PFB is 4 months old and they've been to visit our house 3 times since his birth. We bring DS to their house and when they see him they are loving to him, but generally they are a bit too laid-back for my liking.... but this could turn into an IL rant from me and I don't want it to be.

I do not think you're BU, far from it. Your child was much wanted and waited for and you just want them to be excited about him.

You could say something, but try not to say it in an accusation and also don't expect them to change just cuz you want them to.

[Trifle]

Dilemma isnt it, going to see Westlife or spending the afternoon with a child who doesnt even know it's his birthday. No brainer in my book.

Listen love, baby's just aint that interesting.

[diddl]

TBH I wouldn´t say anything.
I agree that it is their loss.
You can´t force them to be as interested as you want them to be.

I would also stop inviting them if they keep saying no.

Perhaps they´ll be more interested when he´s older.

And I don´t think missing a first birthday is a big deal.
Your son isn´t old enough to know what´s going on.

[SloanyPony]

Some grandparents are just like this. Its nothing personal. You could argue its better than having them in your face all the time telling you how to do things with a sense of entitlement...

[diddl]

OP-why do you think it´s your loss too?

[Megatron]

YANBU. I agree it's a no brainer. Who the hell would want to go and see Westlife anyway? . To be honest I don't think there's much you can do about this without causing a major issue but it may be worth just sitting with them and telling them that you feel they are not particularly interested in your DS. It's very hurtful that they are behaving in this manner.

[Tortington]

he just not important to them as he is to you - its a sad sad fact that some of us have to come to terms with. there it is.

my advice is - don't bea yourself up over this, dont be angry. become resigned. put it out of mind.

if they can't be arsed - as lovely as they may be fuck 'em.

[glasgowlass]

OP I could have written your post! (even the difficulty TTC, 8 years here)

I have got to the stage now where I just dont even think about the in laws, everytime we make plans to visit, they cancel at the last minute. They say they cant manage to ours(though they walk past en route to the pub), we offer to go collect them and they refuse. They have seen him 4 times(he is 19 months old)
They are the ones missing out, not you and to be honest if they are like that, then your son isnt missing anything much either. Dont let it be a big thing or get to you, no good will come of it. Rise above and ignore, like custy says, fuck em.

[InWithTheITCrowd]

diddl - I think it's our loss because our relationship with them seems to be diminishing, and DS just doesn't know them. Before we had him, they promised us lots of "family days out" and "babysitting" - but now, nothing. Don't get me wrong - he's our child and we don't expect childcare, but I just think it would be nice to have the option.
DH's brother has a DD who is 2 and a half, and they see her 3 times a week (look after her overnight). On her 1st birthday the in-laws paid for a big party, and we all went. I didn't especially want to go at the time, having just had unsuccessful fertility treatment, butI figured it was important to them?
Trifle - I know DS won't realise it's his birthday - but WE will, and there will be photos. MIL will be notable by her absence. I just feel a bit let down, I think - after 10 years of waiting for a 1st birthday party - one of the important people doesn't even want to be there.
Maybe I'm more upset for me than for DS? I don't know.

[Colliecross]

Mine makes huge fuss of both grandaughters, takes very little notice of both grandsons. All family attemps to even this out have failed utterly; it is hurtful when they are little but my son accepts it now and even jokes about it. Other grandson seems more hurt about it though.
I just don't think you can change it; if they don't seem to feel much, well they probably don't and don't bother to fake it either.
However, YANBU

[InWithTheITCrowd]

thanks custardo and glasgowlass - it's already made me feel better knowing it's not just us!
And megatron - I know! Westlife!! it's not even as if we're being ditched for someone good!

[InWithTheITCrowd]

general consensus seems to be to rise above it and see it as their loss, not ours! Thank you lovely MNers - I reckon you're right!!

[Colliecross]

This is interesting; it seems grandparents tend to favour grandaughters over grandsons?

[InWithTheITCrowd]

maybe we could get a government grant to do some research, collie?

[Helokitty]

Agree, you'll never change them, and probably it is not worth trying.

My ILs are like this - they are interested when it is on their terms, but would never put themselves out for the children. Like you, FIL never bothered coming to see either of my children when born - with DD1, he was 'under the weather' and DD2 - he wanted to go to his gardening club instead!

It is hard, but you have to just let it go. I used to try and encourage a relationship between GPs and children, but they never responded / weren't bothered, so I gave up trying. I have to say it makes my life a lot easier this way, and as a p.poster said - as least they're not being over zealous. Just focus on your family and perhaps, the relationship with your parents if you can.

[glasgowlass]

I would love to be involved with the government funded research, however as DS is the inlaws only GC I am pretty much buggered.
Cant instead study my parents as they dont have a favourite or show favouritism from their GC's (my boy and my 2 nieces)

Glad your feeling a bit better IWTITC

[diddl]

It is hurtful & you have to try to ignore otherwise it eats you up.
My husband is an only child, we have ILs only grandchildren.

We are abroad.

Been here 11yrs.

They have never visited.

What can you do?

[Madinitials]

I think if they're not interested then that's they're loss and you shouldn't feel bad. Maybe they will be more involved when he gets older and becomes "interesting". My PIL are the opposite and just want to take over.

[diddl]

OP-are you seeing ILs less now than before you had your son?

TBH I always but my ILs lack of visits down to them not liking me much!

[colditz]

YABu

he's your baby, he's not their baby, and to them he's just a baby, not a small piece of heaven like he is to you.

Nobody else will EVER be as interested, doting or adoring of your child as you are, and this is normal and healthy. If everyone loved a child as much as his parents did, he's be a spoilt repulsive brat by the age of 12.

PS - february was only 3 months ago, if they've seen him 4 times they've seen him every 3 weeks which is NOT infrequently, again, for someone who isn't his parent.

[GypsyMoth]

i can't get past the fact mil is going to see 'wastelife'.......speaks volumes to me that does!!

[InWithTheITCrowd]

diddl - yes they are seeing us less now than before.
colditz - I don't expect them to dote on/adore him like we do - just show some interest. They live less than 5 minutes walk away from us, but have never popped in, and never even phoned to see how he/we are. That especially hurts, as I was in hospital a week with gestational diabetes.
They have a granddaughter and several nieces/nephews, and see them more often - their granddaughter (our niece) has her own bedroom at their house, and stays over at least twice a week, so they are definitely "into" babies. Just not ours!!
I was talking about since the beginning of feb, colditz, which is 4 and a half months ago - so averages at once every 5 weeks. I think that's quite poor considering their proximity to us, and the fact that they were promising us the earth before his arrival. Maybe, like with you diddl, they just don't like me!
Anyway - will rise above it as advised, and plan a nice birthday with the family members who do love him, and thank our lucky stars we have him AND them!

[PiscesLondon]

YANBU, and i think they are very lucky to have a DIL that wants them to be so involved.

can i ask about your family/parents? are they interested in your DS? if they are, then that's enough. to hell with IL's, it really is their loss.

have a wonderful time at DS's party, he sounds like he has great parents who dote on him.

[InWithTheITCrowd]

Hi PiscesLondon - thank you for your kind post. Yes, my parents are very much in DS's life, and love him to bits. We really are very lucky, aren't we?