to expect good wanking etiquette?

(261 Posts)
bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 13:18:58

eg thou shan't leave thine wanky tissues anywhere else but in thine bin.

Hullygully Sat 05-Jun-10 13:19:37

I always think they look quite nice strewn about the breakfast table.

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 13:21:32

yum.

colin and justine always use ivy, fruit n shit but why not wanky tissues?

lifeissweet Sat 05-Jun-10 13:24:03

My friend's Mum got so sick of him leaving deposits everywhere as a teenager that she knitted (yes, knitted) him a little mitten to mop up after himself. She then washed it weekly and put it on his bed all nicely ironed. This is no joke. It did eradicate the wanky tissues scenario, though.

Meglet Sat 05-Jun-10 13:25:28

we need more details on the knitted wank mitten shock confused

southeastastra Sat 05-Jun-10 13:26:45

omg at the hand knitted wanky hanky shock

muggglewump Sat 05-Jun-10 13:26:50

OMG. Knitted wank mittenshock

MillyR Sat 05-Jun-10 13:26:58

I am going to be haunted by the thought of that knitted mitten for years.

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 13:29:15

no doubt he has a mitten fetish now... unable to ejaculate unless wrapped in wool.

<shudder>

lifeissweet Sat 05-Jun-10 13:36:54

Well - we found out about it about 12 years ago and have never quite got over it. I still can't look his mother in the face.

My friend went out with a man a couple of years ago who liked her to wear a big woolly jumper during sex. That brought it all back. I wonder whether this isn't more common than we realise.

Horrifying.

Oh lordy! Wank mitten! I have spat my mug-o-noodles all over the computer!

SirBoobAlot Sat 05-Jun-10 13:40:20

Knitted wank mitten?! <boak> Big woolly jumper during sex?! <double boak>

Lifeissweet you have odd friends grin

AvadaKedavra Sat 05-Jun-10 13:40:41

When I opened this I have to admit I recalled the episode of Friends with Chandler's gym sock grin but a hand knitted wank mitten, wow, that's some mother love that is....... errr....... confused

bibbitybobbityhat Sat 05-Jun-10 13:41:56

(Knitted mitten funny but may I just roffle at Hully for a moment)

Meglet Sat 05-Jun-10 13:43:06

I can just imagine old ladies knitting wank mittens to sell at summer fetes alongside booties and cardigans.

itsonlyajob Sat 05-Jun-10 13:49:21

Ha ha ha ha ha
I have no other words. Glad I have girls!

ImSoNotTelling Sat 05-Jun-10 13:51:27

Crying with laughter here grin

Knitting a wank-mitten is going above and beyond the call of motherly duty, surely!

I mean what did she say when she gave him the wank mitten? And he actually used it and gave it to her to wash? It's all just <gag>

KurriKurri Sat 05-Jun-10 13:52:58

One of my DS's flat mates used to wank into a sock. Just thought I'd sharegrin

dwpanxt Sat 05-Jun-10 13:59:41

There was one of those late saturday night programmes -Don't forget your toothbrush or possibly a Graham Norton offering. Anyway part of this programme was to embarrass members of the audience with things brought from home and shown to the public. Teddy bears on grown mens beds /decidedly iffy 'lucky' pants - that type of thing.Nothing too scandalous. Until one girls held up a sock. A normal ,sport type sock and handed it over the the host.He held it by fingertips and asked why this sock was embarrassing?
Of course it turned out to be her partners 'wank sock' which she graphically described in use. Poor partner had to sit while the audience screamed hysterically at the sock.

I wonder what happened in their relationship after the programme?.

blinks Sat 05-Jun-10 14:07:42

i've just set up a new WI and am going to put wank mitten knitting on't agenda.

I am, and will be disturbed for life now, lifeissweet

I wont be able to even look at my dear little DDs winter mittens in the same way anymore

THere are some very strange mums out there... above and beyond the mums remit IMHO. wink THank god I've got a DD...so far!

BTW Bashon I am assuming, as I think we all are, that you are referring to your son, and not your fella? shock

TheJollyPirate Sat 05-Jun-10 14:19:32

OFFS - is this my future with DS (now 7)? A load of wanky tissues or a knitted wank mit.

I am resigning as his mother right now.

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 14:23:12

Do you think he still uses his wank mitten? Maybe she knits him one every Christmas.

AvadaKedavra Sat 05-Jun-10 14:26:24

what colour was it originally grin any pattern to it?

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 14:27:03

Not son. Husband... Often leaves the odd rogue encrusted tissue by his side of the bed.

Is this destined for Classics?

grin

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:28:33

avada, I'm sooooo glad it's not just me who needs to know the style and colour grin

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:29:13

I'm imagining shades of red in a moss stitch?

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:29:32

nonono

slate blue/grey

CUNextTuesday Sat 05-Jun-10 14:30:27

I wish I hadn't started reading this as I tucked into my caesar salad with feta cheese sad

MrsCadwallader Sat 05-Jun-10 14:31:03

Oh, good god, I wish I had never opened this thread confused.

I have three (currently small) boys. I had braced myself for the teenage years, but only in terms of the vast quantities of food, the smelly gym kit, the smelly bedrooms, the revolting bathroom, the excess of testosterone and Lynx and hair gel....... I had completely failed to consider...... to consider....... THIS! confused

<weeps quietly>

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 14:31:13

What happens if she accidentally shrunk it in the wash? grin

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:33:44

She could have set up a lot of future problems there, that knitting mother.

What if that became the only way he could get off?

Imagine a bloke producing a little knitted mitten on a first date?

(Not that I sleep with blokes on the first date, of course)

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 14:34:18

Well, my tissue troubles have been sidelined by a wank mitten.

if I wasn't already depressed....

would feel like a virgin againwink

WilfShelf Sat 05-Jun-10 14:34:25

MrsCadwallader, me too <three boys>

I am currently paying my 11yo to do his own laundry in preparation grin

Friend of mine came back from uni one weekend and started cleaning her teenage brother's bedroom (not sure why...bit of a mother hen type character perhaps) Anyway, as she was picking up loads of crumpled tissues, he walks in and she says 'oh poor DB, have you had a terrible cold?' As he turned red and mumbled a shifty yes, the penny dropped. Don't think she cleaned his room again! grin

MrsCadwallader Sat 05-Jun-10 14:37:25

WilfShelf - good thinking. My eldest is still only 7, but it's never too early..... Not sure about the payment though [biggrin]

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:37:25

bashon grin

But come on, a wank mitten?

AvadaKedavra Sat 05-Jun-10 14:37:35

Ah you just wait til your boys delightfully tell you over breakfast that they had a "wetty" hmm

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:37:47

we can't just let that one lie now can we?

Your HUSBAND?? shock

I would have incredibly strong words to say about this behaviour! its disgusting - son or husband. But for some reason, the fact its your husband makes it just even worse.

Horrible! I hope he's suitably embarrassed that you should keep finding and disposing of them.

I still can't get out of my head the thought of my dear little girls winter mittens I will never see them in the same light again.

MrsCadwallader Sat 05-Jun-10 14:38:14

I mean grin

blush

bearcrumble Sat 05-Jun-10 14:38:36

If she shrunk it in the wash presumably wanky son would be thrilled as he'd think it was his cock that had grown rather than the jizz-mitt that had shrunk.

weegiemum Sat 05-Jun-10 14:38:44

I can't knit mittens, or socks

<failed mother emoticon>

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 14:38:47

<boak> at wetty

AvadaKedavra Sat 05-Jun-10 14:39:13

Do you think she helpfully made a string for them to go round his sleeves in case he dropped it in the heat of the moment?

I think I'm a little strange:

I'm more agog about the fact that she ironed it!

Surely she had too much time on her hands? grin

Actually, perhaps her DS did too! wink

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:39:47

crochet would be fine weegie.

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:40:05

actually no, it wouldn't would it?

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:40:47

avada grin grin grin

Nice one Avada.

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 14:41:33

If it was a snug fit to begin with though, it might not fit after shrinkage. Then it might render the mitten ineffective and they would be back to square one <needs to stop thinking too hard about this>

weegiemum Sat 05-Jun-10 14:43:01

I can't crochet either.

I could do a patchwork one! Might look a bit too much like an oven mitt though??

giraffesCANdriveAcar Sat 05-Jun-10 14:43:25

<snort> at thinking "too hard" about the wank mitten.

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:43:39
AvadaKedavra Sat 05-Jun-10 14:45:55

I wonder if the cabling adds an extra va va voom to the whole wankage?

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 14:47:15

avada you and I are far too interested in the design.

Could we have a fledging business here, i wonder?

AvadaKedavra Sat 05-Jun-10 14:47:16
bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 14:48:30

so, typing through my tears... is a wank mitten the answer to my problem?

i don't knit well... it'd be all holey.

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 14:48:57

this is what I imagine when I think wank mitten TBH

ROFL @ this thread!

<boak> at wanky hanky and shock at the mother!

<Boak to the power of 10> @ leaving wanky tissues about.

Mind you, better than what XP used to do. He used to wipe it all over his discarded boxers/T-shirt/towel... very grim come washing time.

EdgarAllenPoll Sat 05-Jun-10 14:52:07

'knitted by nans'

phnarf phnarf...

TiggyD Sat 05-Jun-10 14:58:25

I think a wank mitten would need to look sexy somehow.

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 15:00:12

feathers?

Maybe the people who make Shreddies (sssh now) should diversify?

grin

Janos Sat 05-Jun-10 15:04:16

Bluergh.

Reacting only to OP,here, but my XP used to leave a 'wank sock' lying next to the PC.

How gross is that?

TiggyD Sat 05-Jun-10 15:08:42

I can imagine the whole range:

Feathered ones for formal evening wanks.
Black leather ones for BDSM wanks.
Rainbow ones for gay wanking.
Ones with that fish symbol on for all the christian wankers.
Tweed for when Stephen Fry wanks.

I hear Michael Jackson had one that he never took off![wank] sorry [wink ]wink

Non-stick Silicone ones for those stubborn stains?

Ryoko Sat 05-Jun-10 15:13:50

You people are disgusting (well not you people but the males you know).

my brother never left wanky hankies about and my other half all ways put tissues and condoms into empty pop bottles before putting them in the bin when he lived with his family.

I'm worse then that, when I was young and needed to change my pad at night I used to leave it under the bed until morning, that was until we got raided by the police in the early hours and they searched every room blush.

bashon Sat 05-Jun-10 15:16:37

He's not at wank sock level. Tissue was under bed but peeking out as if to say "Yooo hooo!"

Usually they're down the back of the bed.

Mittz Sat 05-Jun-10 15:20:42

<<snort>> always a laugh on MN.. I only came into make a cuppa and now my stomach muscles ache from laughing..

Were the wank mittens like baseball glove things with a little catch pit?

frakkit Sat 05-Jun-10 15:28:27

I am shaking with silent laughter over the wank mitten- can't bring myself to explain this to DH.

I want to know what kind of wool it was. Hopefully not that eyelash stuff... What wool do you reckon works best for a wank mitt?

sarah293 Sat 05-Jun-10 15:33:16

you could have a stall at the WI fete....

Snobear4000 Sat 05-Jun-10 15:35:48

A colloquial term for a wank sock, in the land of gentlemen, is the "dream catcher". FYI.

mumofthreesweeties Sat 05-Jun-10 15:38:55

ROFL and LOL

mumofthreesweeties Sat 05-Jun-10 15:44:01

Tiggy, you are bad for my health. Cant stop laughing my head off at 'black feather for formal evening wanks; genius

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Sat 05-Jun-10 17:56:26

I am sitting at a family BBQ and have just had to explain why I am pmsl! confused
I definitely can't do better than the sank sock, but I can confess that my dp does leave tissues lying by the bed, and if I don't make him tidy them up, the dog likes to steal and eat them!

BalloonSlayer Sat 05-Jun-10 18:03:21

For those Mumsnetters who worry that they are falling short in their parenting if they are unable to knit such an item for their teenage son, I'd suggest that a mobile phone sock might do the job well enough.

In fact, I have often wondered who on earth bought them and why, and perhaps I have now been enlightened.

ShowOfHands Sat 05-Jun-10 18:11:16

But mobile phones are so small these days. Surely those socks are too small for the average man? Has a survey been conducted? it should. It could be sponsored by Orange. Orange Wednesday gives way to Wank Friday. Oh I can see it now.

Mittz Sat 05-Jun-10 18:12:21

Thank you BS.. I will NEVER EVER look at a phone sock in the same light again gringrin....

<<burns the one with 'Hello Kitty' on it...>>

drosophila Sat 05-Jun-10 18:17:06

Is wool that absorbent?

I can only say that greater love hath no woman than she who knits a wank mitten for her son.

Do you think he just lobs it in the dirty clothes basket when done.
delicate cycle- hand wash only?

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 18:18:40

"formal evening wank"

arf

AlCrowley Sat 05-Jun-10 18:19:46

ew at hand washing the wank mitten!!

Mittz Sat 05-Jun-10 18:19:55
zisforzebra Sat 05-Jun-10 18:30:08

I think it would have to be cotton or bamboo for softness and hot washability.grin

ClaireDeLoon Sat 05-Jun-10 18:31:57

On my active convos:

Am I being unreasonable?
to expect good wanking etiquette? 87 05/06/10 18:19 Mittz

Am I being unreasonable?
to use a cushion 57 05/06/10 18:19 stubbornhubby

using a cushion is NOT good wanking etiquette, I checked in Debrett's.

ClaireDeLoon Sat 05-Jun-10 18:32:29

As in they were after each other in the list btw.

JackBauer Sat 05-Jun-10 18:36:10

ROAR

Malificence Sat 05-Jun-10 18:50:02

I have heard of those silicone wii remote covers being used for the purpose, according to DD.
Makes marginally more sense than a woolly wanky sock I suppose.

The mind boggles - do people not know that you can buy male masturbatory toys for a few quid? There's even a silicone knobbly glove called a jack off! grin

WilfShelf Sat 05-Jun-10 19:08:27

<disinfects wiimotes>

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 19:23:31

drosophila, I was wondering that as well. There are surely better things to make a wank mitten out of than wool.

expatinscotland Sat 05-Jun-10 20:14:07

'I have heard of those silicone wii remote covers being used for the purpose, according to DD.
Makes marginally more sense than a woolly wanky sock I suppose.'

O.M.G!

But you know, I don't see how that would work well because there are all those great holes in it so you can touch the controls.

Surely the penis would slip out during the wank?

Malificence Sat 05-Jun-10 20:29:15

DH was sceptical too, but I don't think he's actually tried it to find out. grin

I bet teen boys will have a go with almost anything, I'm sure I heard of someone using a jar of thick cut marmalade!

Is no-one going to admit to leaving post coital tissues lying around then, or is it just me? blush We always have to use four - two each, plus a baby wipe! They are always stuck to my bedside table in a morning, DH passes his to me when he's mopped up, thanks for that hmm.

expatinscotland Sat 05-Jun-10 20:30:59

We're still on condoms till DH gets the all-clear from his snip, but Mal, wouldn't it make more sense to perhaps put a bin next to the bed for these tissues covered in bodily secretions?

Bet it wasn't mohair -imagine all those little hairy bits coming off and getting stuck!

BertieBotts Sat 05-Jun-10 20:34:57

Oh god, XP used to leave masses of tissues by the bed. Every time I tried to instigate a bin it would be missed every time.

Mind you the housemate we had for a while was worse - he used to buy those "mansize" boxes of tissues like they were running out and never came out of his room - it stunk by the time he moved out, we had to get rid of the mattress confused

expatinscotland Sat 05-Jun-10 20:38:07

BOAK, Bertie! That's so rank.

choufleur Sat 05-Jun-10 20:42:27

maybe you should knit you DH one of these OP

Malificence Sat 05-Jun-10 20:42:53

No room on either side of the bed for a bin, or underneath.

I must share this "my husband is a muppet" story from this morning - a parcel came and DH brought it upstairs for me, it was a pack of soft menstrual cups, (I can finally use them after having my coil out) DH was very confused, he asked why I needed them when he had been snipped - silly bugger thought they were like a diaphraghm! grin
He looked totally blank when I said they were called "instead" menstrual cups.
I laughed, a lot.

iskra Sat 05-Jun-10 21:12:56

DH happily admits to having wanked into his laundry bag at boarding school, which was then collected by the matron at the end of each week. Can you imagine?

Sidge Sat 05-Jun-10 21:18:37

Eww surely wanking into wool can't be comfy?

It would be all sort of squeaky wouldn't it?

You'd probably have to go with a wool/nylon mix, but then if you wanked too quickly it could burst into flames!

Feenie Sat 05-Jun-10 21:25:02

My brother in law admits to coming home at 17 yrs old to find his wank sock was freshly washed and ironed by their cleaner and atop a fresh laundry pile on his bed. grin

MrsChemist Sat 05-Jun-10 21:49:35

So is owning a sock specifically for the purpose of wanking, a common occurrence in men?

Also, Bertie, I did a bit of sick when I read that.

AlCrowley Sat 05-Jun-10 21:52:46

Apparently a pint glass filled with raw liver and warmed gently in the microwave is rather realistic.

hmm

WilfShelf Sat 05-Jun-10 22:35:38

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

and....

HOW do you know that? hmmwinkshock

expatinscotland Sat 05-Jun-10 22:38:12

Mooncup much cheaper and better for the environment, Mal wink.

Al, that's one of the grossest things I've read on MN.

CheeryCherry Sat 05-Jun-10 22:54:39

Good grief OP, and as for the wank sock........bleurghhhh!
Do you think she washed it by hand??? Surely not in the everyday wash...urghhh?
And how come only once a week?? Now that is surely unusual for a teenage boy...

moggiek Sat 05-Jun-10 23:07:50

Ladies, ladies!! Thank you so much. I was feeling a bit down tonight, but I'm laughing my head off at this thread!

I was once told, by a friend whose husband was in the army, that two slices of liver between the sections of one of those old-fashioned edwardian radiators used to be popular with soldiers. Or a can of frankfurters, warmed a bit, with the middle one taken out.

Only on mumsnet could I ever have discussed this!

TottWriter Sat 05-Jun-10 23:09:21

My mind boggles at how stiff and scratchy an ironed, knitted wank mitten must have been. [shudder]

As for wank tissues lying around, I'm so glad I've beaten educated that out of DP now. When I met him, his room was just...urgh. Now he complains about the mess I make. (Which is nothing like as disgusting, I'll point out. We're talking empty tablet packets for my epilepsy drugs, and the odd pair of socks.)

Also, I'm now dreading my precious little 2y/o DS growing up into a teenager. I keep denying all these possibilities to myself, but there's no point, is there.

Cadelaide Sat 05-Jun-10 23:09:45

sharp edges on opened can [wince]

Kaloki Sat 05-Jun-10 23:19:05

Gah!! At the frankfurters!!

What about lack of grip in frankfurters? Isn't that kinda important?

<chaos does not mind revealing her lack of wanking technique knowledge>

And whywhywhy hasn't this been Classic-fied yet?

Anybody seen the film "Life on Earth"? Roberto Benigni (from Life is Beautiful)is a taxi driver confessing to his passenger clergyman his sexual development. Starting with pumpkins.

TottWriter Sun 06-Jun-10 00:00:23

How does someone 'start' woth pumpkins? Surely you'd work your way up from less obscure techniques? [mind boggles]

I am so glad all I have to do is refuse to let my brain make any more links when my DP takes the laptop with him when he goes to the loo. I don't think I could handle cleaning up a spent pumpkin.

shandyleer Sun 06-Jun-10 00:00:48

Hmm, the wank sock. Is this why I have an ever increasing pile of odd socks? (Not mine obviously, but one of the ds's)

And a friend of mine who was in the navy once told me that skates (as in the flat fishy things) had a certain orifice that came in handy for a frustrated sailor to satisfy his needs.

Not forgetting the famous American Pie... The lad is caught humping a warm apple pie. I've never looked at those in the same way again either.

BUt again, my mind just wanders back to DDs' little knitted winter mittens. How can I put her in those this winter, with this knowledge?

bashon Sun 06-Jun-10 01:05:09

Have come back to this thread and am agog that DH's manly secretions could have instigated such talk of liver and orifices.

<ladylike swoon>

All this talk of desperate sailors reminds me of a story someone told me about how his flatmate used to paint his nails red then lie on his arm to make it go numb and wank himself off. he'd pretend the phantom hand was attached to a hot wooman for added plezuuure.

sad.

ravenAK Sun 06-Jun-10 01:24:23

Ex-public school type mate once spoke highly of a baguette full of warm raw liver.

No idea where all this liver's actually coming from. You'd think the school kitchen would've noticed it going AWOL.

Kaloki Sun 06-Jun-10 01:38:17

What on earth is with liver?!

NetworkGuy Sun 06-Jun-10 05:25:35

Was suprised to find this thread, but then shocked to find it wasn't a teen but a husband! (From a male perspective, would have found it terribly embarrassing as a son if said tissues were found by one's Mum)

Half expected it to be about a DD leaving some 'do not disturb' sign on her door to stop anyone wandering in when she wanted privacy.

However, back to the subject - tissues should be flushed and never binned - that's just so damn lazy...

As for a 'wank sock' - <ugghhhh> never heard of such complete grossness before.

AlCrowley Sun 06-Jun-10 09:01:05

"Al, that's one of the grossest things I've read on MN."

Not the claim to fame I had hoped for but it'll do wink

frakkit Sun 06-Jun-10 10:28:58

I thought of this whilst watching weeds - apparently banana skins are very good!

MrsHarkness Sun 06-Jun-10 10:31:27

I must admit I have not had such a laugh in a long while, thanks MNers lol!

CiderIUp Sun 06-Jun-10 10:53:36

Urgh have just watched Mr Tumble from Gigglebiz putting squirty cream between two sponges and pressing it lovingly together - now there's an inappropriate image.

Oh and why has no one yet expressed horror that the wank mitt was only washed WEEKLY shock There's a lot to be said for disposable tissues in that department, anyway.

Mittz Sun 06-Jun-10 11:24:27

Oh there are just some definite perks to being a laydee aren't there? No tissue issues grinwink

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sun 06-Jun-10 11:25:46

Have been reliably informed that a kiddies armband lubricated with mayonnaise shoved between the gap between two cushions on the sofa works well. And you can increase/decrease the friction by adding removing air.

Hope no-one ever goes searching for change in his sofa cushions [boak] ...

PotPourri Sun 06-Jun-10 11:29:48

yuk yuk yuk - speechless

wb Sun 06-Jun-10 11:32:09

Wank-mitten - what a fantastic idea grin. My MiL was just saying yesterday how sad she'll be when her crop of grandchildren are too old to want hand-knitted jumpers.

Portofino Sun 06-Jun-10 11:48:04

Mayonaise! OMG grin

PrettyVacant1 Sun 06-Jun-10 12:05:06

< chokes on bacon butty >

Classic!
I have tears rolling down my cheeks and DP is looking shifty at me in pity.

Apparently most teenage boys have a wank sock.
Bluurrrgghh.

Al that's nasty. grin

Kaloki Sun 06-Jun-10 12:30:52

Oh god!! The mayonnaise!! How did he think of that??

TiggyD Sun 06-Jun-10 12:35:47

Maybe he had run out of fromage frais?

AvadaKedavra Sun 06-Jun-10 13:25:18

I knew someone once (very EX!) who admitted to cutting a hole ina honeydew melon...

shock

Also heard of McDonalds apple pies being pressed into service, hope they let them cool for a few hours though, unless you have an asbestos cock - can you have that, I know they say chefs have asboestos hands? [ponders]

NetworkGuy Sun 06-Jun-10 13:27:51

"Apparently most teenage boys have a wank sock. "

Wonder which university got funding for that interesting hmm research project. Just did a bit of searching and came across the topic somewhere else:

"Umm... put it under your pillow?"

From a Liverpool forum:
"there is a bit of me that is worried that people actually do this shit?

I fear my perception of reality may be about to take a hit almost as serious as when I discovered that half the world stands up to wipe their arse; but it must be done.

Have you ever?"

with following responses:

"when you wank into a sock, it should be your own sock, in the privacy of your own home.

And certainly not in Marks & Spencer.

The police told me that."

and another response (from a female) :

"One of my exes used to do it regularly and, too scared to put them in the wash in case his mum discovered them, would lash them out of the window onto the roof of next door's shed.

One day we were walking along the road when he suddenly stuck his hand into the pocket of his jacket, pulled something out and stuffed it into a hedge we were passing. I asked what it was and he said "It's a smeggy sock. My Mum's started asking why half my socks are on Norma's roof, so I've got to find somewhere else to get rid of them".

PrettyVacant1 Sun 06-Jun-10 14:47:57

grin NetWorkGuy

I've heard TK Max is quite acceptable though.

Can we have a link to Liverpool Forum.

PigletJohn Sun 06-Jun-10 17:04:07

i've never heard of this mitten idea,shock
but, just for comparative purposes, what is the correct etiquette for your daughter to pack away her vibe and its tissues? Is it equally mirthful?

Mittz Sun 06-Jun-10 18:33:32

Oh heck yes...especially if you have younger children as well... best moment of parenting trying to explain away one of those grinwink

My MIL found my BIL's half used pack of condoms when he was about 14. She was a bit horrified that he was sexually active at that age, but he reassured her he was only using them for "posh wanks"!

mrL1 Sun 06-Jun-10 19:55:58

nah she get him a pair from tescos every little helps pmsl

This should be in Arts and Crafts really.

As for what you should knit a wank mitten in, I think either cotton for washability (but it roughens up with washing too) or bamboo/silk mix for skin-like softness. Though I dare say there's a high-end market for cashmere ones. The teenager who has everything.

I'm more interested in what sort of stitch you'd use? Stocking stitch is the obvious - utilitarian and easy - but surely garter stitch would introduce interesting ridges? Ribbing (for his pleasure)?

Oh wait, I have it. Seed Stitch. grin

catinboots Sun 06-Jun-10 20:22:10

Slightly off the subject but DH had a schoolfriend who used a crisp packet instead of a condom when he was shagging romancing his girlfriend

AlCrowley Sun 06-Jun-10 20:23:21

I can't believe that people are still grossed out over the pint glass full of warm liver after the childs armband/mayo/sofa option! shock

Rockbird Sun 06-Jun-10 20:46:13

Did he wear the wank mitten or put it on his hand afterwards to mop up?? <confused>

I'm just shock at the implications of getting a horrible mixture of mayo and spunk out of the sofa. Do Stain Devils do that particular combination?

lifeissweet Sun 06-Jun-10 22:24:42

Rockbird, I never asked. Knowing about it's existence was more information than I needed. I certainly didn't want any mental pictures of him actually using the thing. <BOAK>

Dinkytinky Sun 06-Jun-10 23:53:07

Ohhhhh MNetters!! I've just half choked to death on my posh crisps whilst trying not to snort and giggle!!!
Mitten??????

I like how she obviously thought ' well a sock won't do because he needs opposable thumbs for this one'!!!!!

I have only ever found one single crusty White sports sock stuffed down the side of the sofa, and I couldn't work out forthe life of me how it was stiff as a board....until I remarked on the mystery sock to dp and he went completely beetroot! Ha!

I've told dh about this thread - and now there is a natty turquoise mobile phone sock on his bedside table.

Should I worry?

And should I be interrogating ds1, or checking under his bed for crusty socks? I haven't actually had any breakfast yet, but I'm not sure my digestion is up to that particular task!! envy

blinks Mon 07-Jun-10 10:31:27

just thank you're lucky stars no armbands, mayonnaise or liver.

So true, blinks, so true!!

AvadaKedavra Mon 07-Jun-10 13:13:19

Reshapewhiledamp what an appropriate name you have grin [boak]

PigletJohn Mon 07-Jun-10 13:56:07

StayingDavidTennantsGirl , I recommend that you do not look under you DS bed. What do you hope to gain by finding his stash of porn and box of tissues?

There is a slim chance you might find a sensible man to have an unembarressed chat with him about using tissues and flushing them down the loo. He needs to be told they smell. Give him a small waste bin with a lid and a roll of bin liners, for his room, ask him to use it for any rubbish and ask him to take it to the bins himself. No need to say why. Pretend you don't know. You can mention crisp packets if you like.

FellatioNelson Mon 07-Jun-10 14:09:15

Tell me about it. DS of 17 and another of 15. I'm sick of fishing boxer shorts out from under the bed that are so liberally coated in dried semen they've turned into sort of abstract papier mache works of art. angry

WilfShelf Mon 07-Jun-10 15:51:42

Oh my god. Not just liver, but a whole picnic of opportunities.

I wondered why my Ocado bill is so bleeding expensive...

I have had a chat with ds1 and ds2. Ds2 was apparently taking his tissues to the outside bin about once a month. [boak] Neither were using socks/boxers/mittens, and both have been introduced to the concept of putting the tissues straight down the loo.

Fibilou Mon 07-Jun-10 17:25:40

my dh once left a "used" tissue on the bedroom floor. He came back in later in the day to find our next-door-neighbour's cat chewing it.

Poor cat

Oh Fibilou, boak! Have only got half-way through, will have to come back when the DC are in bed - DD1 keeps asking 'why are you crying mummy' and trying to read what's on the screen.

Can just picture her speaking to her teacher tomorrow - Mrs H, what does w-a-n-k spell?

BigBadMummy Mon 07-Jun-10 18:00:55

This is where I am loving that DS is at boarding school and I don't have to sort out his wanky socks.

I am, however, cringing at thinking about DH's little pile of socks beside the bed.

LeQueen Mon 07-Jun-10 18:31:28

Slightly off the subject but DH had a schoolfriend who used a crisp packet instead of a condom when he was shagging romancing his girlfriend

catinboots didn't the salt really sting?

LeQueen Mon 07-Jun-10 18:46:56

But wool isn't that absorbent, and if she knitted using a polyester/wool mix it could well have caused some nasty friction burns if the mit was used for an extended period of time? And exactly how much sperm could it contain? Could there be leakage issues?

Concerned about the health and safety aspect here.

blinks Mon 07-Jun-10 19:24:05

this thread has to get out into classics.

i demand it be done.

<gavel>

Delta4 Mon 07-Jun-10 19:35:28

OMG. Just laughing soo hard at this.....think it might bring on labour!

The liver obsession seems to stem from a not-very-interesting smut classic called Portnoy's Complaint where the protagonist wanks into a handful of raw liver and the chapter closes with something along the lines of 'I fucked my own family's dinner'.
I have also heard of using a hollowed out baguette filled with mayo, and a small melon warmed up in the microwave....

(But I must confess that a wank mitten is new on me - though I must think of a way of using the phrase somewhere...)

LeQueen Mon 07-Jun-10 20:53:19

But why a mitten perchance, and not a glove?

Practically speaking (and LeQueen is always eminently practical) would it not be better to have a traditionally knitted glove? Therefore the user could neatly ejaculate into each finger in rotation, giving him 4 receptacles for his jizz, and keeping the shorter thumb appendage for when he prefers a half hearted comfort wank just before sleep?

Using a Wank Glove would also provide him with an accurate count of how many times he'd cracked one off the wrist (men like to keep a record of such things) whereas with a Wank Mit you would never know where you were because you'd just end up with an ever-increasing sodden woollen pouch of slosh.

Kaloki Mon 07-Jun-10 21:03:08

"catinboots didn't the salt really sting?"

Maybe he preferred it cheesy?

@LeQueen

um.. I'll just say : fingerless gloves
(I have a friend who swear by them)

jenduff Mon 07-Jun-10 22:05:37

OMG this so needs to be in Classics - am roaring with laughter

blinks Mon 07-Jun-10 22:18:51

i'm sensing a new potential Wii accessory- The Wank Mitt... plugs in and keeps count of how many cracks of the wrist.

you could have a wank mitt instruction to achieve maximum pleasure and minimal labour/post pleasure cleaning.

<applies for patent>

LeQueen Mon 07-Jun-10 22:42:42

Am in process of patening my idea and am torn between calling it the Love Glove^ or the Happy Hand or possibly Your Five Fingered Friend...any preferences?

CastleDouglas Mon 07-Jun-10 22:45:28

This is a wank-fucking-tastic thread grin. I really want to change my username to Knitted Wank Mitten.

blinks Mon 07-Jun-10 23:08:15

a rival patent! the cheek... the wank fight is ON.

ps the Love Glove is the best

stressheaderic Mon 07-Jun-10 23:27:00

Absolutely epic thread.

<Having to pretend to be laughing at Family Guy>

"Wank up everyone, we'll knit more....."

I applaud the first one of us to bring the Wank-Mitt to the Dragons Den.

blinks Tue 08-Jun-10 00:02:54

duncan ballantyne's wank mitt would need to have a golden trim.

This is possibly the funniest thread I have EVER read - please put it in Classics!!!

I have a 16 year old DS and thankfully I've never caught him at it, although I know he must do it...

As far as DH goes, I'm usually with him helping him along teehee grinsmileshockblushbiscuit

PMSL... the best thread EVER I tell you!!!!!!!!!!!

tortoiseonthehalfshell Tue 08-Jun-10 02:05:51

DavidTennant'sGirl, you are very calm about having had that conversation with the boys. How on earth did you raise the topic?

LeQ, I'm sure 'Love Glove' is already the name of an erotic product, but I'm at work and don't dare to Google it.

FellatioNelson Tue 08-Jun-10 06:56:51

I'm thinking we should really be looking at sending one to Harry Hill for his knitted characters. We could attach it to the hand of knitted Simon Cowell. Or Winston Stimpson. He might have need of it.

Tortoise - I asked them individually, in private, and straight out. To be honest, I wasn't sure they'd tell me, and was planning just to mention proper disposal of the tissues in a purely theoretical manner, but both of them answered directly - if a little sheepishly.

The best bit was when I mentioned the conversations to dh later on, and his response was, "But they don't......do they??" Ahh such innocence!

Malificence Tue 08-Jun-10 10:30:37

www.wellcoolstuff.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=JOG&Category_Code=MA&Product_C ount=10

Any of you going to buy one for your sons for xmas?

Don't most boys progress from a sock to a pair of their girlfriend's silky knickers eventually anyway? Or was that just DH back in our "yoof"?

I imagine know that popsox or ankle highs would work well too.wink

NetworkGuy Tue 08-Jun-10 15:12:00

Hate to frighten you tortoiseonthehalfshell but they probably capture all outgoing messages, so would have a log of "Love Glove" appearing in your communications, even though you didn't do a search online !



TiggyD Tue 08-Jun-10 16:05:05

The Love Glove has already been invented.

Search for "Love Glove for Cats". (It's for grooming)Love Glove

The other sort has been done as well but I'm not posting the link!

LeQueen Tue 08-Jun-10 16:22:52

Damn - looks like it's going to have to be The Happy Hand then, or The Knitted Knuckle Shuffle

Conundrumish Tue 06-Jul-10 22:24:57
melikalikimaka Wed 07-Jul-10 15:09:06

I am disgusted, best kept private eh! I would really make a fuss if this happened in our house.blush

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 08-Jul-10 16:03:17

But mel, all joking aside, it's perfectly natural! It's preferable not to wipe up with the duvet cover or your dirty washing, but all men do it!

NoMoreChocBiscuits Sun 11-Jul-10 12:15:29

So are men using socks that have been on their feet for wanking purposes, or do they use 'virgin' non stinky socks. [shudder]

This is the best thread ever, although am now REALLY not looking forward to DS growing up. Also wishing I hadn't looked at the pics of mittens, very disturbing.

SagacityNell Sun 11-Jul-10 12:41:41

Oh dear lord, this is my future - 3 DSs

I am so happy that my DH doesn't have a wank glove/sock/armband. I am not naive enough to think he doesn't abuse himself, but assume he does it in the comfort and privacy of the shower.

PurpleRhinoArePissed Sun 11-Jul-10 13:39:56

abuse himself?

Dh is still absolutely horrified that I asked ds1 and ds2 if they wank. He is sure that I have traumatised them and they will be scarred for life. He says he is scarred for life just thinking about me asking them. grin

Purple, he is a a catholic wink and uses that as a basis for not having a vasectomy.

PrettyVacant1 Sun 11-Jul-10 19:44:38

Did it take you a whole month to knit that PinkPanettone winkgrin

Is this in classics yet?

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 15-Jul-10 11:46:22

Has been there for a while! grin

loopyloops Thu 15-Jul-10 11:54:45

Oh. dear. lord.

No tales of wank mittens here, but something else lovely.

My housemate moved his furniture in his room round, and all of a sudden I was being woken early in the morning to a crunching sound. Went in there one day to get something and guess what I found? A plastic bottle cut off at the top with giz in. I moved out.

Ewwwwww!! envy

TechLovingDad Thu 15-Jul-10 12:14:04

loopyloops just be careful you hear correctly when he next offers you a gin and tonic!!

To be honest, i can't understand how anyone cannot use a tissue and then chuck it down the loo? Smacks mightily of disrespect, which with teenagers I expect, but not grown men.

Next time, ladies, treat them like cats and rub their noses in it.

MrsFlittersnoop Thu 15-Jul-10 12:26:13

Ladies, you MUST check out THIS clip from "Weeds", where Uncle Andy delivers a wank etiquette lecture to his young nephew, after he has been caught flushing his wank socks down the bog and blocked up the sewer.

WARNING - do not open this link at work! grin

Would my teenagers be traumatised for ever if I made them watch that clip, MrsF?

<<grins evilly>>

MrsFlittersnoop Thu 15-Jul-10 13:09:32

I made DS (14) watch it! blush

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 15-Jul-10 14:29:15

HAHAHAHA! I have literally just fallen off my chair! I so need to make DS watch this, although apparently at 14 he doesn't do things like this and isn't remotely into girls! confused

MrsFlittersnoop Thu 15-Jul-10 14:57:59

Saggy, my DS tells me the same story!

It may actually be true. We were waiting at the barbers last week, and the only reading material available was an old copy of Zoo magazine <boak>. DS was idly flicking through it and exclaimed "Wow! Cool! That's amazing!"

He completely ignored the mahoosive plastic norks on every page and was gazing adoringly at a full-page ad for the latest X-Box game.

This was just before the barber called me over for a discreet word and informed me the little darling has nits, but that's another tale... hmm

Margeaux Thu 15-Jul-10 15:06:33

grin Have laughed so much reading this thread!

Can't help worrying about friction burns though hmm

Lemonylemon Thu 15-Jul-10 15:09:44

Bashon My exH used to leave his on the bedside table for me to find/dispose of when I got home from work angry

JemAndEllie Thu 15-Jul-10 15:29:57

have just read this hole thread and havent laughed so hard in a while!!! thanks MN

cant help but feel a little ill at the thought of his mum knitting that sock at what point did this thought enter her head. "oh my poor DS must have something to jerk off into... best get my knitting needles out!" shock

JemAndEllie Thu 15-Jul-10 15:31:00

i meant mitten, not sock!! how dare i, they must be completly different!!

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Thu 15-Jul-10 15:48:08

My DP leaves the bits of tissue by the side of the bed. Okay in theory, but I frequently have to remove them from the dog who likes to eat random stuff, of clean it up after said dog has shredded it everywhere!

butterscotch Thu 15-Jul-10 23:05:22

Pmsl at this thread thank god I have dd's never found any evidence from hubby but suspect he uses a towel to clean up the pits in wash!

loopyloops Fri 16-Jul-10 12:31:20

Ummm am I being naive but I don't think DH does. Or does he? I've certainly found no evidence. hmm

Saggyoldclothcatpuss Fri 16-Jul-10 17:00:38

Mmm, I think all men do it. It's just one of those things! Maybe he does it in the shower or bath?!

loopyloops Fri 16-Jul-10 19:13:07

ewwww

IsSamNormansDad Thu 11-Aug-11 16:44:14

bump.
was reading the 'knickers' thread in Chat and thought this deserved another airing. grin

girlywhirly Thu 11-Aug-11 17:23:48

Oh no, people will have to stop making advent calendars from kids mittens now. Imagine the embarrassment when Dec 24th is missing!

But this thread is so funny. You could have all sorts of designs, Christmas ones with jingle bells on, Valentines ones for the unattached who didn't get lucky, and so on.

HedleyLamarr Thu 11-Aug-11 17:38:38

You were right. It's hilarious. Home knitted wank mitten! grin

IsSamNormansDad Thu 11-Aug-11 21:01:09

Hedley I know. Was practically choking reading it earlier while trying not to wake up DD.
<wonders idly if I should learn to knit as DS might need one>
grin

MadameLupino Thu 11-Aug-11 21:12:58

I also need to know what she used. Surely pure wool would felt after a while? And a polyester blend would bobble.
I think the Wank Nanas need to do some quality control testing. Perhaps a nice fleecey fabric?

aliceliddell Thu 11-Aug-11 21:32:38

told dh about this. he wants to know how to keep the liver in the glass. I hate you all now.

MadameLupino Thu 11-Aug-11 21:37:21

clingfilm.

joric Thu 11-Aug-11 22:18:56

I have 4 sons - oldest is 8: should I start knitting now??

Funniest thread in a long time, thanks for resurrecting grin

How did she broach the subject? Ds I'm sick of finding wanky tissues heres a lovely knitted wank mitt instead, leave it out at the end of the week for me to wash.

Was going to clean under ds1's (16) bed tomorrow ( awful lot of odd socks) but think I'll leave it now!

aliceliddell Fri 12-Aug-11 12:59:56

Dh wittering on about gravity, angles etc. This mitteny livery madness has destroyed my marriage.

Blatherskite Fri 12-Aug-11 18:40:22

I never asked him alice. I never felt the need.

I'm guessing you'd have to alter your 'angle of approach' or maybe fashion some sort of cling film lid with a handy access hold punched in?

knittedbreast Fri 12-Aug-11 18:43:43

your friend would have loved me if he loved his knitted want mitten ;)

aliceliddell Fri 12-Aug-11 18:43:54

Blather - of course! An access hole! <forehead/palm> How could I be so blind?
Let's not discuss possible causes of blindness, though, eh?

chocolateyclur Fri 12-Aug-11 19:23:23

This thread is a whole nightmare waiting to happen, as I have a 3 year old.

My ex apparently used to wank sitting on the toilet, then stand up and fire into the bowl. Wouldn't that just be a little...distracting?

aliceliddell Fri 12-Aug-11 20:40:38

Chocolate - points for considerate hygienic self pleasuring. Talk of pint glasses and clingfilm has led dp to extend range of household goods and now talks of 'pleasuring a bowl' from the new bargain crockery set. Last seen doing something vigorous with a tea towel. Oh, dear god. <head in hands>
He still wants a definite answer on the glass of liver.

Claw3 Fri 12-Aug-11 20:52:28

Oh god the knitted wank mitten, has made me think of the breakfast cereal that are 'knitted by nanas', puke!

This thread is hilarious, thank gord I've got a girl (although whole other set of issues to deal with at that age).

NunOnTheRun Sat 13-Aug-11 10:09:24

Am in process of patening my idea and am torn between calling it the Love Glove or the Happy Hand or possibly Your Five Fingered Friend...any preferences?^

Haha

I would love to see a 'Dragons' Den' pitch for the above grin

NunOnTheRun Sat 13-Aug-11 10:11:24

re: Dragons' Den

previously mentioned..
oops, hadn't read all thread at the time.....

HPonEverything Sat 13-Aug-11 10:17:56

A friend of mine at school had a 'wank bear' hmm
Legend has it that at a house party it was thrown out of the window and the toddler from next door ran off with it

aliceliddell Sat 13-Aug-11 13:06:58

Morelli - just not as messy. Judging by reminiscences of being 12 ish on here on previous threads, you should be careful with electric toothbrushes.

My DP takes his boxers off and leaves them on the floor next to his bedside table. And if he feels the need to wank, he justs picks them up off the floor and mops up with them. Then he'll put them in the laundry when he gets up in the morning.

Malificence Sat 13-Aug-11 15:13:47

Anyone remember the "hedghog cam / wanking with sandpaper" thread? - now that was funny. grin

alan48 Sat 12-Oct-13 10:18:41

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Cheers, Alan.

smile

UterusUterusGhali Sat 12-Oct-13 10:26:42

Only the ancient ones about wanking though.
hmm

But welcome nonetheless.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sat 12-Oct-13 11:47:03

weird

littlewhitebag Sat 12-Oct-13 11:53:26

alan48 How did you even find this thread. Did you join then decide to search for threads with wanking in the title? You are a weirdo methinks.

oldgrandmama Sat 12-Oct-13 12:14:23

There's a wonderful episode on the subject in the incomparable 'Seinfeld', where the four friends have a contest to see who can go longest without doing 'it'. See
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0697679/

WMittens Sat 12-Oct-13 12:16:25

Pretty sure I'm going to have to change my name now.

oldgrandmama Sat 12-Oct-13 12:16:30

By the way, meant to add that I'm a keen knitter ... but a wank gloves is a new one. Most exotic thing I've made is a coat for a poorly cat that feels the cold.

smug thank fuck i have 2 DDs

TonyThePony Sat 12-Oct-13 14:32:11

One of my friends had a wank in the back of a car. His mum was driving the car, his gran was in the front passenger seat shock

TonyThePony Sat 12-Oct-13 15:26:58

Killed that thread blush Many apologies grin

quoteunquote Sat 12-Oct-13 16:39:59

Over the years I have had quite a few call outs, to fix guttering and down pipes, that are blocked, quite often the teenage boy of the house who has been given the roof conversion room, and has taken to lobbing the used tissues(and socks) out the velux window, it's a surprisingly common problem.

everlong Sat 12-Oct-13 16:52:41

Yeah ok Alan of course you're new wink

WarpKitten Sat 12-Oct-13 22:04:28

Does anyone have a knitting pattern for wank mittens? I've got loads of wool to use up and hubby usually uses my flange towel which is so annoying.

ImThinkingBoutMyDoorbell Sat 12-Oct-13 22:43:53

Actually I have seen the "wank-mitten thread" referred to and linked to on at least one other forum/site just this week, it was mentioned on comments under the penis beaker topic on that site. In the context of "that's not a new low for mumsnet, have you seen this thread..."

I'm not surprised Alan came to mumsnet as a newbie and found the thread straightaway, especially if he's been on the other forum. He's one of many of us (me included as I've only been here a short while) who have seen this thread for the first time this week, thanks to another person mentioning it.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sat 12-Oct-13 22:53:42

Penis-dunking-gate has an awful lot to answer for.

babybarrister Sat 12-Oct-13 22:59:47

I look forward to buying a wank mitten for DS aged 7 from WI ...

mirry2 Sat 12-Oct-13 23:16:15

I've just washed a very stiff pair of socks owned by my dd's boyfriend. At the time I thought they must have been worn for months hence the stiffness but now I'm wondering ...............

Donkeyok Sun 13-Oct-13 00:45:44

I've just had a horrible realisation
as to where all the missing socks go! shock

kali110 Sun 13-Oct-13 13:24:36

Sooooo funny!!

TheNunsOfGavarone Sun 13-Oct-13 13:37:43

Crying with laughter over the wank mitten!

Hmmmm, I knit, I'm unemployed and need a way to make money pdq, could there be a home business in this?

dubdurbs Sun 13-Oct-13 13:52:43

My brother used to use an old t-shirt. The only reason I know this is because the old Labrador we had at the time used to love rummaging for smelly socks when mum hoovered-she came out of his room one day with a mouthful and mum had a job of it pulling them from between the dogs teeth. The socks turned out, of course, to be a crusty old t-shirt that was stuck together and mum got a handful before she realised. Lots of disgusted screaming from her, and tortured howling from old Poppy the dog who thought she had discovered a tasty new toy!

DP uses tissues to clean up after himself, thank god!!

GatoradeMeBitch Sun 13-Oct-13 13:58:55

My teenage DS uses tissue. He walks past me nonchalantly with a toilet roll and thinks I have no idea why his bin fills up with balls of toilet tissue. He even asks me to empty it when it gets full!

NorbertDentressangle Sun 13-Oct-13 14:00:06

Maybe we could have a wank mitten competition where we all get busy with our knitting needles and Alan could judge them by testing them out?

I think Alan might like that.

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