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AIBU?

To think FIL getting an internet bride is sad and pathetic

64 replies

VivienScott · 02/06/2010 13:56

Basically my MIL died a couple of years ago prematurely, both her and my FIL were early 50's. FIL had spent his entire life being looked after either his mother or my MIL and has no idea how to pay bills, cook, clean, iron, just basic fundmentals of looking after yourself as a grown up!

When MIL died FIL's main concern seemed to be who would look after him. He was constantly moaning that he had to come home from work and cook and clean for himself. This is a grown man in his 50's, not a doddery old 90 year old from a completely different generation.

Anyway, he decided he needed to remarry to avoid having to do any of this and then declared he'd looked into it and realised that MIL was one of a kind and that in general English women aren't subservient enough and wouldn't do all the things he expected of them. So he has looked into and married an Asian internet bride who is about 25 years younger than him!

They came to visit us last week and to be honest I was appalled, he expects her to wait hand and foot on him, he won't allow her to work because then she can't wait on him, and whenever she did any fetching and carrying for him in our house, he just kept giving such smug looks to us behind her back. It was awful! I should also point out that this is a guy who regularly moans about immigrants and is fairly racist.

To be honest, she seems quite happy with the arrangement, but I think the whole thing is awful. AIBU???

OP posts:

Report

slushy06 · 02/06/2010 14:04

My father married a lady from Thailand (only about 7yr age gap and not sure if she was bought)and at first like you I was disgusted, However I have seen them together and they are happy and I can tell they love each other (lots of hand holding)their relationship is different but my dad is protective of her and will do things for her she does stay at home to cook and clean and the relationship is to both their likings I am happy for my dad and his wife.

drloves · 02/06/2010 14:04

YANBU ! , poor girl , i know she has agreed to this and married your fil , but for goodness sake smug looks behind her back? .
i hope she wises up , and leaves him.

Thediaryofanobody · 02/06/2010 14:06

He sounds like a pig and his 'wife' a glorified slave. How sad for her.

drloves · 02/06/2010 14:07

I think the best thing you can do , is to befriend your new step-mil and show her the ways of the british wife !...all this subserviant crapola is so out of date.

GeekOfTheWeek · 02/06/2010 14:07

Troll

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/06/2010 14:07

I feel really sorry for her.

Perhaps you can befriend her and over time, help her to see things differently?

TiggyR · 02/06/2010 14:08

But she'll be happy to wait on him hand and foot. That's her end of the deal, and she knows it. Yes, it sucks, (to us, because we value equality and we don't know what a privilege it is to be able to marry purely for love, and not economic security) but he will always have to live with the knowledge that she is with him for reasons, and that she will probably only ever think of him as a kindly benefactor with strings attached.

These women have come from a culture where they are often treated like skivvies/chattels by their own menfolk anyway, so they find it quite a liberating way to live in comparison. They must do, or they wouldn't come. The bottom line is that in a few short years she can leave him, and stay here if she chooses, and if she has a child she gets a home and money into bargain. And he'll be left feeling silly, used and alone. Or then again, perhaps they really do love one another?

VivienScott · 02/06/2010 14:15

GeekOfTheWeek, I'm sorry, but are you calling me a troll??? This is a serious post and to be honest what I haven't put on the post was that my reason for asking is that I came clean about my feelings to my OH last night, BIG mistake, and it ended in a massive row. I was looking for some impartial opinions.

OP posts:

drloves · 02/06/2010 14:22

Op you had an argument with your dh about this? ... i hope he doesnt share his fathers mysoginist ideas.

belladownunder · 02/06/2010 14:24

Are you close to your dad? If so, try and build a relationship with his new wife. Give her some support, she's in a brand new country, probably feels quite alone and has no idea what her options are. Give her a chance.

frogetyfrog · 02/06/2010 14:24

My father is married to a lady from Asia but it was a love match as they met through friends. However, she waits on him hand and foot and worries about him so much and tends to his needs! He loves it, but to be honest so does she as she neednt do it. His first wife was the opposite!

Different cultures, different ways but I do love to see them as it makes me feel in a very cold, English type of marriage.

Their children also wait on the adults hand and foot, from a very early age. If my fathers wife goes shopping the children carry all her bags, open doors, get her a coffee etc etc. They adore their mum and love to look after her. But now they are grown up I have to say they are the loveliest girls I have even had the joy to meet - so open, polite, helpful, and happy.

The lady in question thinks we bring our children up very poorly here, and that our relationships are not caring or loving enough from what she has seen (that makes her sound judgemental and she isnt). She likes her way.

Your fathers new wife may be very very happy.

darkandstormy · 02/06/2010 14:29

vomit, you are not being unreasonable.

VivienScott · 02/06/2010 14:33

drloves, it was more a case of him feeling I was attacking his dad and him being quite defensive, although I have a strong suspicion that were I to agree to act more like her OH would be very happy!

OP posts:

TiggyR · 02/06/2010 14:36

Well, he's in a difficult position. He may secretly share your views but feel loyalty to his Dad, and not want his dad to be lonely, and ultimately a bit of an emotional burden!

posieparker · 02/06/2010 14:41

Poverty stricken and desperate women do make very good wives. It's a win win for all. The man gets treated like royalty, gets to look after and protect his woman, gets a woman who in his own country would be way out of his league and age range, the woman gets out of poverty and thinks her meal ticket husband is King. There's a big mutual appreciation and they are usually very much in love with, relatively, traditional roles.

It is pathetic of him, but it works.

TiggyR · 02/06/2010 14:52

I think Posie is right. You'd be surprised how many of these women genuinely come to love their husbands, because they are treated with a greater level of respect and freedom than ever would have been the case for them in their own environment. If someone is kind to you, doesn't beat you, buys you lovely things, gives you a nice home, and you don't have to work outside the house either, then that to them is a very loveable man.

BritFish · 02/06/2010 14:58

it is pathetic and sad, but i guess sometimes love does blossom and thinks can work out. and some men do genuinely just want company rather than a slave.
thankfully less of the lazy spoilt men are about nowadays, they are a slowly dying breed.

frogetyfrog · 02/06/2010 18:16

I think deep down I would be quite happy looking after dh and children and doing everything. It would be lovely to know my place in the home in the way that my parents did (very traditional upbringing).

In some way I envy them their roles.

slushy06 · 02/06/2010 18:21

In a way frogety so do I they had no choice and subsequently no guilt or worry over whether going to work will damage their child or staying at home will mean their child doesn't have enough money.

Miggsie · 02/06/2010 18:21

I know someone in DH's family that bought 2 brides and was ripped off both times.

But buying subservience is crap.

Also, I thought they had changed the immigration rules so they could not do this any more?

YANBU

TiggyR · 02/06/2010 19:14

Well, actually buying them is one thing, that's just a form of long-term prostitution, or being traded like cattle. But an 'introduction' between a man and a woman who both have a specific ideal/goal in mind, that ends in a mutually beneficial arrangement is another thing altogether.

BritFish · 03/06/2010 01:21

frogety and slushy, im that you both feel that way. no choice is comforting to some, but then i felt quite strongly about it as when my DD was born i was determined that she didnt see a mother/wife do everything cook everything housewife role as the norm. its not for myself, i wouldnt like my DD to feel that that was what was expected of her. i would prefer it if she didnt know that the world used to be that way, women as second class citizens. i wish i could have brought my DD and my DS into a world where sexual inequality was ever an issue.
sorry, im a bit wierd about it and im not sure why [my mum was a working mum and my parents have a very equal relationship, so its not any long-harboured resentment or anything like that!]

TheBossofMe · 03/06/2010 03:42

Living in Thailand, so see a lot of this. The thing you have to remember is that for the bride in question, its a valid lifestyle choice - they get to live a "good life", bearing in mind that they would have fulfilled a similar role if they had married a Thai, with plenty of material luxuries, plus their wider family is also helped out of the poverty situation since the deal normally involves a lot of money being sent home as well.

I'm not saying it would be my choice, but for some of these women, they really do see it as their best lifestyle choice.

TheBride · 03/06/2010 04:11

Agree with the Boss. It's very easy for us to sit and judge the decisions of others. Don't assume that she's some poor exploited girl who needs educating in the ways of the west- a lot of these women are pretty worldly wise and know what they want. I'm sure she's well aware of the deal she's made.

Her alternatives, as the Boss says, is marry a Thai, and be in the same situation but with less money, or get a job, possibly also requiring her to move away from her family and be a domestic helper in HK, Sing or the ME.

FIL may well be a chauvinist but if he's a mild enough bloke, she might be quite happy with that. Plus, he could be dead in 20 years. She gets her inheritance and moves back to Thailand a very rich woman.

My advice would be just leave them to it. She won't thank you for stirring it up.

Sakura · 03/06/2010 04:45

Yeah, can't judge her until you've walked a mile in her shoes...

I feel that there are men out there who really do prefer a skivvy to a friend and partner, though

I've lived in Russia and that opened my eyes to this mail order business. At the end of the day, the main people who profit are the middle-men who sell the dream of a little lotus-blossom to the men. The women take a lot of trouble to learn what they have to do in order to be picked.

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