To be annoyed about my mill attitude towards my dc

[springchik]

Shes always been the same ever since my oldest ds now 4.9 was born. I've always had to hide how much my dc see my parents or it always prompts barbed comments.

Anyway tonight my dh popped round and mil said whenn can she come round this week as its half term and she misses the boys as its been nearly two weeks. Dh said it will have to be Friday as ds1 is staying round my parents tonight and prob til thursday if he likes it. He has never stayed round my parents like this apart from whenn my ds2 was born 2 and a half years ago. She then launched into her usual speech of he does have 2 lots of grandparents you know and he can always stay round here etc etc. They have a one bedroom bungalow and have never offered! My parents offered this awhile back and did one of their rooms up for this reason.

My dc see both sets of grandparents alot. The other week we spent a sunday afternoon evening visiting them in their caravan at a lovely site they were visiting. A week before that the babysat while we went out. But if my dc see my parents we feel we have to keep quiet and I'm sick of it!

[mumbar]

I'm tempted to say send DS2 to MIL til thurs and enjoy time with dh

other than that having a spoilt brat ex-mil I can only offer sympayhy

[springchik]

It is not a one off comment btw. When my ds2 was ill in hospital after he was born and ds1 stayed with my parents mil rang constantly not to enquie after ds2 but to say when are we having ds1 its the ONLY thing she was interested in!
It started when ds1 was a baby and dh mentioned that I'd spent the day with my parents and she said ah well I'm sure we'll get to see the baby and some point!

[springchik]

She be at some point! It has continued like this ever since!

[compo]

why don't you let her have him for a night then? problem solved

[parakeet]

How about a Serious Chat, pointing out that this is a recurring theme and it's getting you down. From then on, don't feel you have to tell one more fib about time spent with your parents.

[mumbar]

it's a hard one. The maternal gps often get more dc time as mums go to their parents.

I'm not saying the comments from her are helpful or kind but ring her tomorrow and say - sorry your feeling left out, not my intention, when would you like DS for a nite or 2 as thats how long my parents had him!!!

If she says she can't/ won't then you can point this out next time.

Oh and maybe get dh to be a little more tactful - 'oh mum fridays the only day we/ DW are free this week what time would you like to come over/ us to arrrive' that way she can't comment

[Portofino]

It is not unreasonable for her to be a bit miffed if your ds stays with YOUR parents often and never with her. Think about how you might feel when your ds's are older and your dil's did this......

[GwenTen]

Be thankful you have a MIL who cares and wants to see the dc's. I think my PIL are thankful my parents see my DC so much. It takes the heat of them

[2rebecca]

Why don't you reply with "but you have a 1 bedroom bungalow so there's nowhere for them to sleep" when she starts? It seems a sensible reply to her question.
It sounds like you see loads of all the rellies.

[thumbwitch]

call her bluff on it - tell her that DS1 would like to stay with them as well, when would be convenient? And where would she put him?

See what that does to the situation. At least then she can't say she wasn't given the opportunity.

[sunnydelight]

My friend's MIL flew from the UK to Sydney to stay for just THREE DAYS recently because she was so jealous my friend's parents were visiting and would be here for one of the children's birthdays. Jealousy makes people do funny things......

[thumbwitch]

OMG!! That's insane. She wouldn't have even got over her jetlag in that time! to say nothing of the cost! I would at least have booked for 2 weeks and gone sightseeing or something! (not that I would have done something so looneytunes in the first place)

[Lonnie]

I would go with a BIG HUGE smile and say
Oh I didn't realise you were interested we 100% HAVE to sort that out when is a good time I KNOW DS1 would just LOVE to spend time with you both shall we find a time in the diary now?

The fact is it sounds like she feels she is not getting to see her grandchild as much as you allow your parents to see them. This may be the truth and it may not be however work with it make sure she knows you welcome her having a relationship with your children and it will no longer be a problem and your sons will benefit from having 2 sets of loving grandparents problem solved.

[springchik]

My ds see both sets of grandparents. Maybe they see my mum more as she often comes round in the week but I have often pointed out to mil that she could always come round when I'm free etc. THe same offer thats open tomy mum but she takes me up on it iyswim. Mil doesnt drive but we are on a bus route and we live in the same town.

Anyway Friday dh is off work so dh could have said come on friday and I'll be at home too! I just could have abolutely preducted she'd be like this as she always has been. Its so unjustified as my pil see them as least once a week and my ds think the world of them. It just seems to me that she like to make out shes the second rate grandma which she simply isnt.

However they like in a one bedroom bungalow which is tiny so there is nowhere for my dc to stay anyway and also she has never mentioned any desire to have them overnight before.

[springchik]

Oh he has never stayed over my parents before apart from when ds2 was born

[springchik]

I just feel that my dc are little boys not comodities to be fought over iyswim.

[QSnondomicile]

I wish I had your "problem" to be honest.

MIL is a widow living in a foreign country, looking after her SN adult daughter.
My parents: mum with alzheimers, father in a wheel chair after a stroke.

Count your blessings, woman!

[springchik]

I do but the snide comments and the need for secrecy over my parents visits is so unnecessary and gets to me tbh. Its been like this since ds1 was born and has continued ever since

[uglymugly]

By the sounds of it, springchik, this isn't about your MIL wanting to be a GP, it's about point-scoring. And that can lead to making the children comodities. Unfortunately that sometimes happens and the best thing is for your DH to deal with the situation.

QSnondomicile - I can't see how your post could be of any help here. Just because your family has all those problems doesn't minimise or negate what the OP is having to deal with.

[QSnondomicile]

uglymugly, with any imagination, it does.

The op has two healthy sets of grandparents for her child, both of whom wants to spend time with their grandchildren, and who are able and willing to have them overnight. FGS, having just ONE bedroom is not an issue, it is preciousness and lack of imagination. Who says that a visiting grandchild needs their own bedroom? If the op had not been favouring her own parents time with her kids, the mil might not feel the need to point out this difference.

The op needs to be able to manage the situation and try and divide the time equally between the grandparents. It is neither about scoring points, nor about fighting over a grandchild like it is a trophy, but about recognizing that the children have two sets of grandparents, and it is in their childrens interest to build a relationship with them both.

Walk a mile in MY shoes, where you have not only small kids and no grandparents to leave them with, or to baby sit, or spend the night with, but where you actually have to care for elderly parents too. On top of work, then you might look at your own situation in a different light. Grandparents are a resource, you just have to manage it, and appreciate it.

And you ARE comparing, and finding your inlaws lacking, when you make a point that YOUR parents made a bedroom especially for your kids, but your inlaws have only one bedroom, and you are planning on using this against your inlaws to explain why they cant have your kids. This will end in disaster, and you have only yourself to blame.

[thumbwitch]

unfair, QS. The op has said she has made the same offers re visits to her ILs as she has to her own parents - and they haven't chosen to take her up on it. And she has also said that her ILs have never offered to have DS1 overnight, whereas her own parents did offer and created a place for him.

I think you should take your own advice and try walking a mile in her shoes - she has tried to be fair and equal with both, her DSs see both sets of GPs every week and yet her MIL is still sniping.

[giveitago]

Jealousy isn't good.

I hate the idea of having to keep a tally of how often kids see each gp - that's what makes it competitive. I'd try to keep things even handed but without resorting to how many hours, days etc. per momth.

My mil like this and yet we've seen more of her overseas than my own parents here yet she is the one who is jealous and asks so many loaded questions about how often we see my parents (not enough). Our problem is similar in that my dm has a big house, garden etc and mil doesn't - it drives mil spare and she wants to now buy a house to match - how stupid. DS loves mil as she's a gp and not love her anymore should she buy a big house.

It takes one jealous gp to make things awkward.

I'd delegate this issue to you dh tbh. You shouldn't have to lie or downplay - it's mil who shouldn't be putting you in this awkward position.

[AngelsOnHigh]

Surely MIL has a lounge DGC could sleep on.

Or a sleeping bag on a mattress? Children would hink this is exciting. Just like camping.

[cory]

I would call her bluff: tell her your ds would love to camp on her floor. It may be that she takes you up on the offer- but then that's fine, isn't it?

[AngelsOnHigh]

sunnydelight. Did the MIL actually tell everyone that she flew to Sydney for 3 days because she was jealous?

Or did everyone put their telepathic thoughts into action and presume that is what she did.

Would your riend say the same about her own DM if she had flown out for just three days?