to hate eating with my family

[burgergirl]

I can't stand it: 11 year old really fussy, and has dirty black ( and I mean black) fingernails), 9 year old can't hold a knife and fork properly, she always drops food on herself and all over the table and doesn't see a problem with farting. I told her off yesterday and it all ended in tears. My husband puts everything between 2 bits of bread, adds butter where he can and generally makes his food into a mush while chomping and making loads of heavy breathing sounds. AAArggh. I've just had to come in and get away. It's driving me crazy. On the other hand it's my husband who has cooked all the bbq tonight and is lovely with kids but keeps offering them more burgers. AIBU??

[muggglewump]

Why aren't you doing anything about your kids bad eating habits and lack of manners, and cleanliness too?

YANBU, I wouldn't want to eat with them either but surely it's your job to do something about it so you can eat together pleasantly?

[Trafficcone]

Agree with mugglewump. It's your fault if
your child is coming to the table with filthy hands and you can't be bothered to punish farting at the dinner table.

[AMumInScotland]

People who come to the table with dirty hands need to be sent to clean them. People who don't know how to hold a knofe and fork need to be taught. Ask your DH to display some better table manners too.

You are their mother - who did you thin was going to teach them how to behave if you didn't bother yourself?

[burgergirl]

Thanks for that book ref Madam. from now on am going to be stricter about obvious table manners. Will insist on handwashing. But how can I stop my daughter who is very windy farting? I can't punish something she can't help. She doesn't do it all the time, sometimes it just slips out. What about food spilling off the plate? They can't manage rice at all. It al spills over their plates.Also how do I tackle general mushing up of food and heavy breathing sounds from dh and putting everything between bread.

[AMumInScotland]

I guess if the 9yo was using her knife and fork better, the food would stay on them a bit more often. Is she trying to shovel to much at a time? I don't really see any reason rice should end up all over the table - it doesn't when I eat it, and I'm not the most careful person

Farting - I guess it depends, if she really has a problem and can't stifle them, then at least she should apologise.

DH - it's trickier to get adults to change - does your DCs manners bother him? If so, you could try to convince him that he has to change to show them how to do it. I was brought up that it's ok to mush a bit of food together and eat it, but not ok to mush up a whole load in advance - maybe that would look abit less gross?

[MintyMoo]

I can't use a knife and fork properly due to Dyspraxia (use fork in right hand, can't do anything with my left hand at all, it's pointless) and I drop food everywhere in my twenties if I'm not extremely careful, was terrible as a child. I was 15 before I could pour my own drinks and needed breakfast bowl carrying to lounge from kitchen once milk was added by my parents until shortly before I started uni!

However my tips for anyone struggling to not drop food would be to a) put less on the fork at a time, b) to lean over the plate whilst putting fork in mouth, c) to sit nearer the table and d) to hold the knife and fork however you feel comfortable (people used to force me to eat with my fork in my left hand as a child, it only made me even more clumsy and resulted in lots of food on their carpet. Perhaps you could encourage her to do that? I was dreadful as a child, esp pre-teens but got better with age so things can improve

[Bonsoir]

You are responsible, together with your DH, for your children's table manners and personal hygiene. Who have you got to blame but yourselves?

Start doing the work now that should have started the day your DCs were born.

[dignified]

Sorry but i find the fart thing really really disgusting . Presumably she doesnt do farts whilst chatting to her teacher, and i doubt she does them while shes eating lunch with her freinds. She would be teased mercilessly if she did , so presumably she CAN help it but chooses not to when shes at home with you.

Make it very clear she goes to the loo discreetly if she needs to, i would actually send her away from the table for this. Im afraid i couldnt eat while somebodys fart was wafting up my nose.

[boyngirl]

ha! found this funny. farting and dirty hands not disgusting!! just kids! and my dh spends all mealtime telling kids off for bad manners whilst cramming anything into his mouth with his fingers.

yes of course u should crack down on them more, they can't carry on like this. but these things do slip when we're frazzled, and this does sound quite normal. just dish out some punishments with the grub and dont' beat yourself up!

[muggglewump]

I agree with Bonsoir, and dignified.

My DD is not perfect with her eating (or in any other way!), but I sit with her and correct her, and I know that she knows how to eat nicely, and is just being a bit lazy at home.
We went to Switzerland last year, stayed in a 5* Hotel with a restaurant and food to match and I knew she would behave and eat impeccably, because she has been taught how to and she did, the staff commented favourably on it at each meal.

I'd also send away for farting, it's revolting and disrespectful.
Even if she can't help it she could at least apologise.

[ruckyrunt]

broken record very firmly and never ever shouted.

Keep repeating what you want them to do,

sit still please

eat with your mouth closed please

put your knife and fork in the correct hands and cut don't push the food apart please

don't bob up and down bring your fork to your mouth not your mouth to your fork - like the woodie wood pecker.

don't tell them off - just keep repeating how you would like them to eat - don't argue at the table say it over and over agian and leave it at that.

Show them if they neeed to be showed.

It takes a long time of sitting to the table and explaining and asking.

But the reward is when your dd1 says thank you at 17 for teaching me good table manners

[ruckyrunt]

farting has to be done in the hall - my dd2 has to leave the table and go out of the room

it is done now without asking and nothing is said she just says excuse me and goes.

[YunoYurbubson]

Make it their job to tidy and clean the table and floor after every meal. Might encourage them to make less mess.

[ruckyrunt]

a pelican bib would do the trick at 11 this might not be taken as a joke though...

[belledechocolatefluffybunny]

I agree with Bonsoir and others. It's a struggle but table mannars isn't something they just pick up, they have to learn them. Start off with hand washing and take it from there. It'll be worth it in the long run, ds is 11 and I've been training him since he was 1, there's still room for improvement so don't expect miracles overnight.

[satc2bringiton]

Agree with the others, you need to teach your kids table manners. I wouldn't put up with the farting, im sorry but these can be kept in.

WRT to your DH, that would annoy me. I can sympathise though, mine covers everything in HP sause which makes me feel sick and has been known to lick his plate clean . It's way more difficult training them though!

[Ripeberry]

My husband only farts with our familly. He does not dare do it in front of his parents or work colleagues

[differentnameforthis]

"What about food spilling off the plate? They can't manage rice at all"

Bowls?

[FleurDelacour]

OP I am at a loss to know how you found your DH attractive when he has terrible table manners. I would have run a mile.

Presumably you have talked to him about this. I am afraid you need to have a common set of agreed behaviours that you both enforce.

I'd add to RR's list:

elbows

sit up straight

don't talk with mouth full

use table napkin/tissue/kitchen roll to wipe face or any bits that have been dropped up immediately

talk nicely about what you've done that day( but don't hog conversation)

put knife down when turning fork over to shovel

I think it is your responsibility to make sure the correct cutlery and crockery is on the table- spoons and forks for curries and stews (and make sure all the meat is cut into small pieces), bowls or not-flat plates for watery food, have glasses of water ready. Cut up spaghetti a bit so it is not too hard to eat nicely. Make sure chairs are at the right height for small children to get their faces over the plate. In short help them to get it right. Less stressful all round.

And get everyone to help lay and clear the table and do the washing up/load the dishwasher.

Eventually the DCs get the hang of it and mealtimes become a pleasure and meals out become something to look forward to.

Good luck!

[mathanxiety]

I second everyone else's comments about manners not appearing automatically. They are far too comfortable for their own good right now.

Try getting them all involved in meal preparation (clean hands are a must here) and setting the table nicely, with napkins for laps, maybe a little candle or two on the table. Turn on some civilised music (sounding like my pianist grandmother here).

The current situation won't get better without effort on your part.

[Longtalljosie]

I second everything people are saying about the dirty nails and the table manners - but am a bit nonplussed that people seem to think the DD is farting deliberately. Can you choose to fart?

I'd say if she really has a problem with flatulence, I'd go to the doctor. Really, you need to be helping her with that as well. Probiotic yoghurt would be a start. Oh - and as for the nails - does she have a nail brush?

But you'll face an uphill battle unless your DH comes on board.

Can you afford to eat out at the moment, somewhere nice? It would be interesting to see what your DC can do when they choose to...

[LittleMrsHappy]

The nils would be a REAL HEALTH ISSUE for me tbh, she can get a multitude of nasties from eating with dirty nails, and even at 4 years old my child knows how to use a nail brush and would not dare to eat without washing his hands, he has table manners also, cant use a knife and fork together, however it will come alone.