to think that facebook is responsible for a lot of hurt, heartache and upset?

[TheFemaleOfTheSpecies]

So you sign up to the exciting website that is facebook. Before too long you have found a lot of your old friends and your current friends and family, and one by one they have accepted your friend requests. As time goes by you get into the swing of things, updating your status, perhaps having a chat with a friend or two of an evening, commenting on others' statuses and generally keeping in touch with people.

And then you notice that a friend, or two, has disappeared from your friend list. And there is no explanation, no indication of why you have been dropped, you just have. You wonder whether the friends have closed their accounts, so you have a look at the friend lists of mutual friends, only to discover that they're all still friends.

You hear from a family member, her partner has been chatting to his ex who he happened to find on facebook, now the relationship is over and he's moved back in with the ex.

Then by chance you see a friend on a recommended list. A previously good friend, a much loved friend who you'd lost touch with, and eagerly you send a friend request, with a message saying how lovely it is to find them again, and eagerly anticipating catching up, you wait, and wait, and wait, but your friend request goes unanswered. And you're left wondering why.

People say "it's facebook, it's just a website. But is it? It may be a website, but those who interact there are real people. Would those same friends blank you in the street? would they say "no, sorry, I don't want to be your friend any more," to your face? or "I've decided not to be your friend." And yet the deletion of a friend, and the refusal to accept a friend request says the same thing, surely?

[Spero]

I don't think it is the same thing - its a lot easier to defriend someone over the internet than blank them on the street. You are not engaging with that person in any physical way, not having to witness their hurt or confusion, not having to justify yourself. It is cowardly but understandable.

I've done it simply because I've thought - you haven't had any contact with ne in over a year, why are you on a list of my 'friends'? I did it without thinking they would even notice, let alone care so it may be that you are over thinking the level of intent that exists.

I think the main problem is that electronic ways of communicating have absolutely rocketed in only the past ten years and we haven't yet figured out a consensus on how we do or don't do it. I have some friends for eg who think it perfectly acceptable to answer their phones and talk whilst out with me! I find that completely rude and unacceptable (but of course I'm too chicken to challenge them) but I know they are not doing it deliberately to belittle me; they just don't share my views on how acceptable such behaviour is.

Facebook has caused much heartache but its the medium, not the message. People always have and always will be self absorbed, selfish, inconsiderate, intrigued about their exes etc, etc. Facebook just puts it out there right in your face and I agree that it can be upsetting.

So I am torn - I think you are both R and UR.

But I do know lots of people who just refuse to have anything to do with it. That's always an option for you if you find it so upsetting.

[Trafficcone]

Immature stupid people are all around us at all times. If they can't handle being defriended or they look up their ex and then have an affair or cry into their cornflakes because someone 'said it on facebook before they told me'........ Why should sensible, normal adults like me have to subscribe to the whole'facebook is evil' bullshit.
I've never had a moments upset from facebook in 4 years of use. Some people need to grow the fuck up.

[cluckyduck]

I do go with the train of thought that it's just a website.

And It's the humans actions that are upsetting you, not the website.

In general I say either take it with a tablespoon of salt or deregister and use email to stay in contact instead.

[LadyGaga]

Okay-

facebook is not responsible - people are responsible..

i think that the term Friend in facebook must be changed... i don't kidd myself that the over 200 people on my list are my "real friends"...my fbf are people I've met through work, a party, old school friends... facebook does not rule my life...so i am not bloody bothered about much that happens there... i am much bothered by what goes on on my "real life" my "real" friends are the people I speak to every week and I see regularly, the people i got out partying with etc etc

[wannaBe]

wow bit harsh there trafficcone.

I certainly have deleted people I haven't spoken to in ages and thought nothing of doing so, and vice versa.

But recently I've been defriended by someone who I pass daily in the street, and similarly have had a friend request ignored from someone else who just happens to be that person's friend. I have no idea why, nor do I have the inclination to confront the issue. But it has left me wondering why, given this person is still friends with all my other friends, and given we haven't had a falling out, or disagreement, why it is that he's deleted me specifically.

[xstitch]

I think it is a bit strong implying that the OP should 'grow the fuck up'. Having said that I believe it is people who are responsible for hurt, heartache and upset.

I must confess I defriended someone on facebook. I did it because their status that day was that I was a 'fucking nutter'. Lets be clear about this they did the insulting and I did the defriending. I will blank them in the street any time I meet them too.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Yes it is op.

There is much to be said for keeping your private life private.

[DuelingFanjo]

I don't notice if people drop me as a friend on facebook. I would if it were someone I was really close to i.e if they were to drop me from facebook I'm pretty sure I would know the reason why anyway, because something would have been said in real life.

[wannaBe]

and i totally agree that the term "friend" should be changed, as in general nobody has that many friends.

In reality you should be able to categorize your friends by their importance, but then people would probably get upset about that too.

[wannaBe]

I guess what it comes down to really is that it's not the fault of facebook that people are upset, but that facebook makes it easier for people to upset each other. In fact websites as a whole do. I bet people say things on here for instance they would never say to people in rl.

[NewBirdOnTheBlock]

I am now of the thought that it is just a website but have learned the hatd way.

I was best friends with a girl all through school and lost touch when we left and went to different colleges. I had been on fb for years and always looked for her. Anyway, it came up that xxx and yyy was friends with her, so I added her. And waited and waited. A few more of my friends became friends with her. Eventually , I was accepted and left a message on her wall. She never replied, even though there were a few nosey questions in there. So, when chat came about, I saw she was on, and thinking she had not seen the wall post (before the days of notifications) said 'hi' she replied with 'ffs leave me alone, are you some kind of stalker or something?????' I was devastated, we had been friends for 10 years, had first boyfriends together, been on first holidays abroad together, the lot. I deleted her there and then and went to bed crying

I had looked her up for years, totally lost touch for no reason years before. I don't remember doing anything wrong. I guess we had just both moved on. Im not so touchy with it anymore. I delete anybody I have not seen or spoken to in 6 months and if I drop somebody a casual 'hello' and get no response then I figure they are not worth having on there anyway.

[fyimate]

I really do not like facebook. Sure it's good for friends and people around the world to keep in touch and connect and be mates but it seems to be a big factor in why so many relationships are ending!
But with that being said thinking about it, just because x cheated on y on facebook doesnt mean that x wouldnt have done so if facebook were not there, just makes it easier.

I still dont like facebook though or any other websites like it :P

[Spero]

Absurdly harsh and unhelpful trafficone.

Agree with Wannabe, maybe more helpful to change 'friends' to something like 'Facebook connections' or similar - that is a much better reflection of reality.

I have got upset by defriending issues when it was someone who I thought WAS a fl friend. That isn't the fault of facebook or my own inadequate quivvering personality but simply a very natural and human thing to get upset about losing a relationship with someone we liked/loved and not knowing why.

[BritFish]

personally i think facebook is a great communication tool. i think people hide behind the screen sometimes.
if you're horrible on facebook, then that is you, isnt it. why would you be nice in real life then an arse on facebook or vice versa? its a communication tool, like a phone or a text. just a bit more...invasive.

[foreverastudent]

I've had some pretty upsetting facebook incidents too.
Friend requests rejected.
Friend connections deleted.
Nasty comments.

I'm trying to cut down now. I'm glad I joined cos I've reconnected with some old friends which has been great.

It's a fine balance thoough whether that has outweighed the distress over the darker side of it.

[thumbwitch]

people said this about Friends Reunited when it started up as well - I know a lady whose H buggered off with his childhood sweetheart because of FR.

In the end, as others have said, it is the people who use it who are at fault, not the medium itself.

I for one can't be doing with it - but that's my choice. I am on FR and also a professional one called LinkedIn - but Facebook leaves me cold.

[Niecie]

I have been deleted by a relative - very long story which I won't bore you with but suffice to say, I didn't really know this woman but thought we were getting along OKish, catching up on what had happened in different branches of the family, separated by a bit of feud. We certainly weren't falling out over anything. Still one day she deleted me. I thought she had dereged because she seemed to have disappeared but about a week later she was back on with all her friends except me.

I am not at all upset by this but I am intrigued to know why and there is no way of me finding out. So, I think I agree with the OP that it can cause a lot of potential grief but the problem is that unlike RL you don't necessarily have the opportunity to sort it out. I can't go round to this woman's house (she is an aunt fwiw) and ask her what is up and if I email she would, I guarantee, ignore it.

It is real people with the same feelings but FB seems to put you all in a bubble, cut you off from reality because you know you don't have to face up to some of the things you do.

[Rockbird]

I worked with someone who deleted me. We're a big office, all really friendly and mostly all on FB. She was my job share and deleted me but is still 'friends' with all the others. So of course I wondered what I had done to piss her off and having to work with her while she was nicey nicey to my face was annoying. She's gone now thank goodness as she was a PITA to work with!

[DuelingFanjo]

I know people on facebook who will have a hissy fit and delete several people and then a week later start adding them as friends again. Weird.

[Cloudbase]

The thing about Facebook is that it is so transient - My DSIL has over 250 friends fgs - she probably doesn't know who half of them are, but randomly accepots every friend request that comes her way. When you are that casual with people it becomes easy to accept/delete with no real thought.

IKWYM tho - I sent a friend request to an old friend from my old 'gang' who had moved overseas, which was totally ignored - I actually felt quite hurt tbh. Thing is, I recently saw her quite coincidentally at a mutual friends party. She spent over an hour chatting to me, as she said she didn't really know anyone else there (well, needs must, I suppose).

I didn't bring up FB, but did take everything she said with a massive pinch of salt...Becuase it's on the Web, people don't seem to think it matters - but I think it does.

[Cloudbase]

Or even 'accepts'!

[OneTwoBuckleMyShoe]

I have people who add me from school etc but it seems to be to boost numbers on their friends list.

I cull regularly and delete anyone who I haven't spoken to on FB for a while.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

You see, I have had friend requests that I have ignored. It has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me not liking these people, its just that I don't want to spend my life on facebook keeping everyone in the loop and checking up on people.

So I got a facebook account to keep vaguely in touch with my sister because she travels the world for her job.

Then a few people find you and send a friend request, and you accept and think "this is great, look I've got 10 friends". But by now you're easier to find and friends of friends send requests and so now you have 20 friends and on and on and on.

And you think, how am I going to have time to indulge my significant Mumsnet habit if I have to devote some of my online time to facebook as well .

I just cannot be arsed with it all!

[SuSylvester]

its resp for a lot of dull threads

[bibbitybobbityhat]

that's true