I know this should be in 'relationships' but...

[cupcakesandbunting]

I need some advice and I think I may get more of a response here...

I've been having an affair for three months which I want to end. I hate myself for having done what I've done and I know that it's wrong and vile and I just want it over with.

The back-story is this; I met the other man ten years ago. We had a holiday fling and kept in touch for a few months afterwards. I was convinced he was "the one" and when the contact between us ended, I was devastated. I thought about him for years afterwards. Then last year, we came into contact again through Facebook and all the old feelings came flooding back. He lives a hundred miles from me so we haven't been at it every time DHs back is turned (I know this doesn't make it any better, I know this) just a few snatched evenings here and there. The OM says that he loves me and that he'll wait for me to be with him and for a while, I thought that it was what I wanted but to be honest, I've come to my senses and the horror of what I've done and what I've risked has hit me like a lead brick. I feel depressed and just like the most evil person in the world. I never thought I'd be the type of person to do this kind of thing (I can't even say the a word, it makes me feel sick) but here I am.

I want to tell the OM that I want to end it but I don't know how best to do it. I've distanced myself from him in the last week by not responding to texts so much and telling him that I've got a lot on etc but I need to categorically end it. He's very clingy which makes it difficult, I know if I end it, he'll keep trying to persuade me back which I don't want at all.

I don't expect sympathy. I know what I've done will appall a lot of you. I could just do with some impartial advice to be honest. I have no-one to talk to about this and I have no idea what to do.

Sorry for the long post.

[Ladyanonymous]

I'm not appalled, I really feel for you OP.

None of us are perfect and everyone makes mistakes and fucks up. You have realised this and I don't think anyone can beat you up more than you are beating yourself up right now.

You've had an affair, you've got it out of your system, you didn't hurt your husband, you've realised you were a silly bitch.

End it nicely and firmly with the other guy, delete him from FB, delete his number and ask him to delete yours and try to work stuff out with your OH and figure out what led you to feel you needed to look elsewhere for excitement/sex/affection.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

[Redazzy]

Wow you are seriously brave posting this in AIBU! But you won't get any flaming from me.

YOu sound like a nice person who has had an episode of madness and has now come to their senses.

The thing that is important here is ending it cleanly and definitely. You need to be able to have a conversation with him during which you explain your decision and your feelings. While you need to be sensitive, more hurt will be done if you give false hope. If you are sure that this is the end, make it very clear. Tell him that you want no more contact. IT is very nice for the ego to be so desired and clung to but for his sake and the sake of your marriage you must leave no doubt that you will never leave your husband and that you never want to see him again.

How is your relationship with dh? I'm guessing if you seriously considered starting a new life the the other man that your relationship needs some work. You need to consider how to make your marriage healthy again. This, in my opinion, does not involve a confession. If dh is blissfully unaware and you are sure that you will not start this relationship up again, then don't tell him.

[Mumcentreplus]

WOW!..ok.. so you really fucked up but you have realised your crazy arse mistake...run as fast as you can away from the situation...I have never had an affair but can't say I've never been tempted..

is he the type to try and ruin your marriage if you try to break it off?

[Mumcentreplus]

Talk to your partner about your feelings...you dont need to tell him...but something is lacking somewhere perhaps?..

[APassionateWoman]

End it face to face, in a public place, and get straight to the point. Tell him what you have told us.

I really hope he doesn't turn psycho on you (you say he is 'clingy') and threaten to tell your H.

Good luck.

[cupcakesandbunting]

Thankyou for the advice thus far

Redazzy, life with DH was OK-ish when this thing started but not brilliant. We had become distant from each other and were constantly bickering. I know it's no excuse and I'm not pushing any blame onto DH. I created this mess by myself. I should never have let it get to this.

[cupcakesandbunting]

APassionateWoman I am ever so slightly worried about him trying to wreck my marriage when I end it. He has always said that if I ever wanted to end it then he would accept it and walk away because he is the outsider etc BUT I did try to end it a few weeks in and he constantly text me/messaged me on Facebook despite saying that he wouldn't.

Part of me thinks he might, in a crazy moment, tell DH. The other part thinks that essentially he's a decent bloke and he's never given me any reason to think he has anything other than my happiness at heart.

[CagedBird]

Oh gosh I really actually feel for you (I do feel a little more for your husband though unless he's really violent to you which is i think the only way i would excuse an affair). Anyway rant over.

You've made a mistake and nobody is innocent. I don't think there is any one way to end a relationship. You end it over the phone he thinks you're mean for not doing it face to face. You do it face to face he wonders why you would come so far to dump him or make him travel. Do it publically he'll wonder why you would do it in a place where everyone could see. When you're the dumpee you can't get it right.

However for your own safety (you absolutely never know how someone will react) I would suggest you do it face to face in a public place, clingy can sometimes be a sign of dominance (which he can't be as you are married).

What is he like, is he likely to make trouble and tell your husband. Because you might think in the fairness of it all you should tell him. Explain everything, why you did it, that it wasn't often. I think he deserves to know. If you to can work it out (which I hope you can) your relationship maybe much stronger and happier because of it.

[maltesers]

ell if he does tell DH you will just have to deny the affair bit and just say this OM is infatuated with you and wont take "NO " for an answer.
I did the same thing way back and felt guilty. We are only human , with human weeknesses, needs and make mistakes. Dont beat your self up about it....move on, learn from it and try to build it all back up with hubby.. . .for the kids sake especially, and yours too infact. TEll OM if he cares about your feelings then he will accept the NO bit and not make your life difficult.
Stay strong and assertive and dont weeken to OM's demands.
Best of luck X

[cupcakesandbunting]

I've considered denying the thing if he does get in contact with DH but then I panic because I wrote him soppy letters. What if he posts them to DH?

[ReneRusso]

You really need to be strong to end it. Prepare all the things you need to say in advance and be very firm. Don't let him talk you round into being half-hearted about it. Do say things like: I am not going to see you again. I love my husband and want to sort out my marriage. Please do not contact me any more.
Don't say things like: I think we should cool things for a while, You are really special to me but, I need to spend some more time with my husband.
Be Very Clear. Don't give him a glimmer of hope. It's hard, but if you want to improve your marriage you have to get OM completely off the scene. I don't think you should tell your DH. Keep it to yourself. I know you feel evil and wretched now, but I think you will get over this and will be able to forgive yourself one day.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I won't flame you either, mainly because you're not claiming your marriage was bad and that is why it happened, you are taking responsibility and you want to end it.

End it by phone and be very clear in your message that you love your H and bitterly regret the affair. Ask him to never contact you again and wish him well in the future.

Now for the difficult part....

If you keep this secret from your H, I can virtually guarantee that it will drive a wedge between you. You will start to view him as a victim and the dynamic in your relationship will change. There is also a real risk that the OM will tell him, or that if he doesn't give up, your H will find out. I think for a while, you will be living on tenterhooks, which will be noticeable to your H.

Your H has also probably noticed some changes in your behaviour to him and has been feeling a bit puzzled and anxious.

If he finds out from any other source, it will be much more devastating.

You and others might think that keeping this secret will be a kindness to him and that it would be self-indulgent to tell all - but that is usually an excuse for not taking responsibility for one's behaviour.

So in your shoes, I would tell him - and reassure him that he - and your marriage - were not to blame.

I;d also suggest you had a bit of counselling to get to the bottom of why you did this.

[cupcakesandbunting]

Thanks, Rene.

Part of me wants to tell DH just so this thing osn't hanging over my head like some sword of Damocles but then the other part of me knows that DH will end our marriage if he knew. The thought of seeing DSs face when he realises that daddy won't be coming home every night after work kills me. I know I should have thought about that when I was being a rotten cow but hindsight is wonderful...

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

People often say they will end their marriages, but in practice they don't. And actually IME, men are far more forgiving than women in the same situation.

[saslou]

Since this man has proof of the affair (letters) then you can't deny it to your
DH. You would be adding insult to injury if you did. I think that all you can do is tell the other man that you want to finish things and be as sensitive and kind as possible, while leaving him in no doubt that you mean it. IF he contacts your DH then you will have to tell the truth (I'd leave out the bit where you say you had been thinking about this man for years, that will not help you at all) and hope for the best. Don't confess to your DH as a way of offloading guilt now - that isn't fair to your DH. You just have to live with the guilt I'm afraid. I wish you luck, you sound like you had a moment of madness and are truly sorry

[cupcakesandbunting]

Funnily enough, I didn't think about the OM when I met DH. I had boyfriends after I first met the OM but DH was the one that "cured" me of my infatuation with him. Which is why I feel even more of a twat.

[maltesers]

He wont post the soppy letters to your Dh....what is he a big girls blouse and a complete wimp ? Men dont do things like that ...trust me.
CUPCAKES . . . .Hold onto your last post.......forever !!!!

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Can I just point out a double standard here? Some posters are actually suggesting the OP tells further lies if confronted by her H - which amounts to the the abusive behaviour of gaslighting.

[Seabright]

Don't tell your husband. I don't want you to create more deciept, but it will just cause him hurt and pain, which by not telling him, you can (hopefully) avoid.

If he finds out, be honest. If not, keep it to yourself.

[maltesers]

Well, what would you do Whenwillifeelnormal? Tell him the whole lot ??? That will hurt him so much.. . . .

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Yes, I would. Secrets like this are pernicious and destructive to relationships. People often justify not telling because disclosure would hurt, when what they mainly fear is that they will lose the relationship and its attendant benefits. And it's also naive to presume that OM aren't capable of feeling angry and scorned - and sexist to call them a "big girl's blouse" if they do.

[porcamiseria]

well don'T tell DH (but I think you have figured that one)

you made a mistake
you acted selfishly
you came close to fucking up your marriage

But you know it. In some ways you are being punished enough no?

But just to finish this relationship , is that enough. What posotive steps can you make about your marriage? If you do want to make amends, think about that

Lets not assume the other man will go nutty on you. Lets hope he doesn't.....

what a tangled mess, do the right thing and lets hope you can untangle it...

I do have empathy for you, the stress you have must be awful

[saslou]

Wenwillifeelnormal - I think you are being a bit harsh. People are just trying to help the OP out of a situation she bitterly regrets getting into, while also preventing additional hurt to her DP.

If my DH had done this and deeply regretted it, I would not want him to tell me about it unless I was a) going to hear about it from someone else or b)I asked him directly, in which case I would be even more pissed off if he then lied to me further. I wouldn't want him to tell me so that he could feel better.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I don't think I'm being harsh with the OP at all actually....

I don't advocate disclosure because it will make the OP feel better. I recommend it because I think the OP's marriage will never reach its potential while there is this big secret, which could also be sprung at any time, by a hurt OM or anyone he's told about this affair.

We're all different though - we've been down this route so many times on Mumsnet and I would want to know. I wouldn't want to have been secretly deceived - or to be watching over my shoulder for the rest of my life.

[Dalrymps]

I don't agree that the op should keep this a secret. If this were a man posting I don't think everyone would be encouraging him to keep it a secret

This is a massive secret to keep and no matter how much you try to ignore it, it will drive a wedge between you. If it were the other way round would you want to know op?

If you want to save your marriage I believe you can but start doing it from an honest starting point.

I do feel for you though, you must feel pretty awful