To just turn my phone off...

[ginnybag]

I've posted here before about the issues surrounding my DH, his parents and his brother - some of that is relevant, some is not.

The gist is this: MIL had a stroke, and is not very independant. FIL copes but needs a lot of help and whines and moans constantly when he doesn't get it immediately. BIL - who lives in house - has no issue spending MIL's money but does sod all.

I have talked my head off at my husband, trying to get him to sort his brother out. He won't - he says it's his father's problem, because he lives with him.

Now, FIL is in hospital himself and is (just a little) taking the mick.

I have a three month old baby and I am already back at work full time. Despite that, both FIL and MIL contact me constantly to do things. Me, not either my DH or his brother, because a) I actually answer my phone and b) actually do stuff.

I have no issue with doing things that actually need doing, but last night just pushed it too far.

I visited FIL on Weds, took him clean clothes, drinks blah, blah... and told him that , as normal, I was not free on a Thurs evening.

Cue 4.30pm yesterday - phone call from FIL 'Can you come to the hospital tonight...?'

I explained that no, not really, my evening consists of: finishing work, collecting baba, taking baba home, feeding her, changing her, sorting out her stuff for today, grabbing food for myself, and going out again to run the youth group I'm involved with. DH and I have to turn this around in just over an hour... or we have fifteen teenagers stood outside a hall waiting for us!

But... FIL insisted it was urgent, and that there was no-one else, so I agreed to drop in - knowing this meant I wouldn't be eating until after the youth grup at 10pm.

The urgent errand turned out to be his mobile needing a top up.... and his friend walked through the door five minutes after I got there!

I'll admit that I was a little sharp with my FIL for wasting my time... so now he's sulking. He's apparently phoned my DH at work,to complain.

The thing is, now that DH has told him to stuff off, I just know he'll be ringing me again this weekend (and he'll ring and ring and ring... until I answer) for various other stupid things.

AIBU to just switch my phone off and ignore?

[ginnybag]

I should add that this isn't an elderly man - he's 56.

And that he was hospitalised because he keeps ignoring medical advice re taking his pilss, not drinking and eating properly!

[Shaz10]

Do you need your phone for other things (if a childminder needs you urgently etc)? If you don't want to turn it off, you could set a different ringtone to FIL and then ignore it. I think you've been a saint to these people and should drop them before you drop with exhaustion.

[Mouseface]

Nope, he's your FIL. And taking advantage of youa wee bit in my book. And is now bad mouthing you to his son.

Maybe you should have a weekend off. If he's in hospital, he'll be ok? Fed, watered etc.

[Rhian82]

YANBU

[Sparkletastic]

Nightmare ILs - YANBU at all. Your DH and BIL need to do the right thing and handle them - either by helping or telling them to help themselves - as you sound like you are run ragged.

[AMumInScotland]

YANBU - turn it off, or as suggested above change the ringtone for his number (to silent even!) if you need it for other things. Nothing he needs is going to be an emergency if he's already in hospital. The hospital themselves would call if there was any true emergency.

[ginnybag]

DH's opinion is: we have the baby to care for, his brother, father and mother (FIl and MIL)need to sort things out between them so that brother who lives there carries most of the extra help they need - because he lives there.

Not disagreeing... but BIL does nothing.

FIL then moans about BIL doing nothing and asks me to 'have a word'. I refuse - he's not my brother, and ask my DH to.

DH reverts to previous statement and tells his father to sort it himself.

In the meantime, my phone still rings for various urgent and non-urgent issues.

Hence my wish to just turn the bloody thing off!

Childminder has my work number, and I will check for messages. Baby won't be with her over the weekend anyway, which is the other reason I'm dreading calls. I want to spend my time with my baby daughter, please! I'm away from her more than I like already!

[JaneS]

Sound like a great idea to turn it off. Then they might realize how much you're doing and BIL might get off his arse.

[Mouseface]

Turn it off before you go to bed tonight so that you can't see if he's called you over the weekend, poss guilting you into doing something for him....

Spend time in this lovely sunshine with your DD.....

Don't feel guilty....

Tell your DH you are not your FIL mother or nursemaid......

Tell your DH your BIL needs to step up more and you aren't dealing with him as per the request from FIL.......

Have a great weekend!!

[BigBadMummy]

YANBU. That is outrageous. He can top up his own mobile from the phone using a debit card!!!!!

I would turn it off if I were you.

VVVU of your FIL to expect you to go running like that.

BUt he does it because he knows he can. It is bullying!

[AMumInScotland]

I think you just have to be "unavailable" and leave it to FIL to sort out - tbh even asking your DH to "have a word" means that you are still getting involved, and expecting him to get involved.

Next time FIL moans about BIL tell him to deal with it himself, because it is not your problem. It is also not your DHs problem.

You may have to stand by and watch them struggle for a while, as it takes time to go from doing nothing to actually getting your finger out (in your BILs case) or to go from whinging to DIL to taking charge of the problem (in your FILs case), and you will undoubtedly feel at times that it would have been simpler to keep on doing it for them.

You just have to remind yourself it's the same as waiting for a small child to put on their own shoes when you could have done it for them in a fraction of the time - it may be frustrating, but its a stage you all have to go through in developing their independence. And frankly FIL and BIL are behaving like small children expecting "mummy" to fix everything for them!

[jenduff]

yanbu but you are being taken for granted tell them to sod off

[Angelcat666]

YANBU

Turn the phone OFF

[diddl]

So there is a son at home?

I think you and husband both need to ignore for a month or so tbh.

[JenniPenni]

Bless you, I think you're such a lovely lady and are being taken advantage of. I would definitely turn the phone of the WHOLE weekend. You need this time with your baby.

I am a childminder and understand how hard it is for mum's who've gone back to work, being apart from their children... and on top of this you have ungrateful ILs. How insensitive of them not to think about how you might be feeling right now.

Turn it off! stern voice

[bluenosebear]

Agree with Jenni you sound lovely! I'd do 1 of 2 things. Either turn phone onto silent and ingore all calls from them (you should be able to "reject" calls), or change your number. Tell everyone but BIL, FIL and MIL.

Actually, there is a 3rd option that I'd be more likely to take, and that's simply keep saying NO. I don't care what the "emergency" is, NO. Keep repeating, use the broken record technique.

[Ivykaty44]

56 years old, I thought old was 80+

He should be able to do a few things for himself?

[GeekOfTheWeek]

YANBU

They are taking the piss.

[DaftApeth]

YANBU. Turn the phone off, definitely.

Shame that you can't redirect fil's calls so bil gets them

[ginnybag]

Lol at redirecting...

I wish!

I aksed the brother to go last night. He had a martial arts class...

Turning the phone off it is, then!

[DaftApeth]

Hurray.

And after you have done that, pour yourself a large glass of wine and relax

[WebDude]

Depends which network, and whether you'd be willing to accept the cost of diverting...

If you can disable voicemail, so calls when there is no signal don't get diverted, and then set a divert for 'busy' you'd be able to 'screen' your calls. When FiL calls, reject the call, it will be diverted, and it should be possible to set the diversion destination number.

I've done this so mobile#1 and mobile#2 divert to the voicemail of my mobile#3 (the only one with credit at present) I just made a change to the number shown on the phone. If I had set it to my landline, or my sister's landline, it would end up not going to voicemail but whichever number was shown.

Might be fun to set it that way for a day or two, but it would be much cheaper to just turn the phone off (oh, and hope the weather is good and you can relax ALL weekend).

[DaftApeth]

Go on, go on. Divert it. The money would be worth it surely?

[Ripeberry]

Turn your phone off, you baby is your priority. They are men, but behaving like boys.
Are you the only female in the familly? Is there no-one else at all?

[moondog]

What a nightmare for you and how selfish they all sound.
I never have a mobile phone on ever, so if people want me they have to ring my home phone which I never answer, or email, which I attend to once a day.

Goodness how on earth did people manage 10 or 15 years ago?

Answer: Just fine.