AIBU or is my sis

[myboysmum]

On Easter sunday i had planned to have my Mum,Dad, sister, her hubby & 3 kids round for lunch. Three days before, i had a slight disagreement with my mum because i hadn't invited my brother and his family (i have never been very close to him, and his kids are...lets say a challenge) Anyway after having these words with my mum where i said as it was my house it was up to me who i invited, she did apologise and everything was fine.
So forward onto sunday - My sis phones an hour before and says "don't worry if not but i was wondering if i can bring mother in law along too". I know MIL very well as i used to clean her flat every week but she can be your best friend one minute then slag you off the next. My sis has never had much time for her and even her hubby hardly sees her.(it's actually his stepmum not his real mum)
Anyway i hadn't catered for an extra one and just days before i had found out the MIL had slagged me off for something so i said to my sis "actually if you don't mind i'd rather not have her", My sis was then really off with me on the phone and i could tell she was pissed off. A bit later i decided to save an argument i would phone my sis back and invite the MIL but as i picked up the phone it rang and it was my sis phoning me and said we are not coming today, when i asked why she said because she was pissed off that i won't invite MIL.
I was really pissed off because i had spent a fortune on all this food and had spent all morning preparing it. i said FINE and slammed the phone down. Well that was nearly three weeks ago and we haven't spoken since.
Maybe i am being unreasonable and i should have just said yes in the first place but i'm so angry that she refused to come just because i wouldn't invite MIL. AIBU to think that as it is my house i should be able to decide who comes and i shouldn't be held to ransom.
To top it all, my sis had very kindly told my brother that i was having everyone round for dinner and hadn't invited him so i had already had my SIL at the door that morning asking why they wern't invited.
All in all it was a bloody shitty day.

[BitOfFun]

Oh dear. I think you were BU, btw, but they all sound dreadful stirrers.

[pjmama]

Of course it's entirely up to you who you invite into your home and who you don't. But when you start deliberately excluding people, you leave yourself wide open to piss someone off, especially if you try to keep it a secret from those you haven't invited. Personally I'd either invite everyone or not bother.

[MaisietheMorningsideCat]

OK, going to break this down.

YABU for not inviting your brother and his wife if you were inviting everyone else.

Your sister WABU for asking if her MIL could come an hour before the meal, and then going in the huff and not coming at all, and then telling your SIL.

So, in summary, if you were on Jeremy Kyle, she'd get the bigger boo. If you were on Judge Judy you'd be awarded more to compensate for loss of food and hurt feelings

[JeezyPeeps]

YANBU. You invited the people you wanted to be there, no more, no less. You planned an catered for that number, and with just an hour to go to you get asked to cater for one more. It is not enough notice, and although in itself isn't an unreasonable request, it most certainly is unreasonable to fall out with you about it.

Sorry you had a shitty day - next time just cater for you and your immediate family and maybe just invite relations around for drinks (if you want them there..) - that way you don;t need to worry about numbers so much!

[BAFE]

YABU to not invite your sisters MIL. It was easter sunday after all - the biggest festival in the christian calender, so really, not a very christian way to act. What was the woman going to do otherwise, eat alone on easter sunday?

However I also think your sister was being unreasonable too, especially telling your brother. And your SIL was unreasonable to come to your house and complain too. If she wanted to be with you at easter she should have organised it.

[Sazisi]

I think yabu, sorry..
Easter sunday is a big family day, and it's not fair to invite your special chosen few and exclude others. Don't you think your brother would have liked his kids to spend the day with their grandparents too?
Likewise, sisters mil should have felt welcome to spend the day with her step-grandchildren.

If I were you, I'd be doling out the apologies.

I am being quite critical, but that's becuase I have a tendency to be like you (ie controlling) which I'm constantly reining in. We need to consider everyone's needs, or we might end up quite lonely

[madcatsazz]

YANBU - who the hell has the right to tell you who you can and can't invite? Having said that, you should always have been prepared for the fall out from brother and his wife so the response was to be predicted - if you didn't want him there you have to be ready to stand by your decision in the face of him finding out.

As for your sister, she was very unreasonable to request MIL be invited - were there circumstances that made it unavoidable? ie. MIL turned up at theirs unnannounced or phoned inviting them over etc. If so, possibly you could have made a concession (although it would have pissed me off in the same situation) but if she just asked for no particular reason then she knows it was unreasonable as well. Families hey?

[tinkletinklelittlestar]

She should not have asked about her MIL coming if she wasn't going to like your answer. Would it have been different if it had been a few days before? Maybe her MIL would have been on her best behaviour if she was at your home?

Gosh - how challenging are your brother's kids if a meal is too long? Is there really no way you could have invited them? Maybe that could be another occasion?

Three weeks is a long time and before you know it months will pass and then it will be Xmas. Call your sister and talk calmly. Call your brother too as you weren't being deliberately hurtful to him.

If it is still playing on your mind, it means you are still mad about it. Don't let it eat you up!!

[coppertop]

TBH you and your sister both sound similar to each other. Both of you seem to have the same "I want things my way!" attitude.

Up to you if you want to exclude your brother from a family get-together but YABU to expect everyone else to keep it a secret.

[alicet]

I can't believe so many of you think the op is unreasonable for not inviting people to her house that she didn't want there!!! it is her house, she is doing the catering, and to be honest it is up to her.

She certainly isn't unreasonable for refusing mil with 1 HOURS notice regardless of what day it is. To be honest I wouldn't dream of asking to bring my pils if I was going to my sisters house! If the mil made it awkward for the sister by either just turning up or inviting them at short notice then she has to be prepared to be told 'sorry we have other plans'.

Also none of those people who are judging you for not inviting your brother know anything about your relationship do they? So a bit impossible to comment really. However you were a bit naive for expecting them not to find out - while you can invite whoever you chose I think YABU to expect your mum and sister to lie to him about their plans.

Not a nice situation all in all.

[padraig]

YANBU. Your sister's MIL sounds very unpleasant to say the least, and anyway it's your house and you're the hostess so it's up to you who is invited and who is not.

And asking an HOUR before lunch is just plain rude.

[myboysmum]

The thing with my brother is difficult. A few years ago when i had invited everyone round for dinner one day, he dropped a small folded piece of paper out of his pocket without noticing. I picked it up and found it to be drugs. I ranted at him and threw him out of my house and said he was never welcome again. Thankfully it was me that found it and not one of the kids. We didn't speak for a while after that and i decided then i will never invite him again. We do talk now and he has popped round a few times but thats as far as it goes. As for the MIL, it turns out she already had plans anyway.

I actually do a lot for all my family from playing taxi driver to babysitting and dyeing/cutting hair on top of working full time and being a single mum but i am always happy to help them, but for once i decided to say no to one of their requests.

[moominmarvellous]

YANBU for any of it.

I wouldn't invite all my siblings and their children over at once, I haven't got a table/house big enough! This wouldn't stop me inviting my mum and younger sis with no children though. I don't see the problem with it at all.

You should feel free to invite who you want for dinner. I don't think it's controlling, it's just planning.

If your sis wanted to see her MIL for Easter dinner, she could have arranged to cook for her and turned down your offer originally.

If it were one of my sisters I'd call her and probably apologise for hanging up on her, but I see no reason for you not to stand by your reason - you didn't have enough food. Whether you like the woman needn't feature in the conversation.

[seeker]

As my much missed grandma-in-law would have said "Six and two threes, love, six and two threes"

[BitOfFun]

Ah, AIBU by stealth

[MrsRedford]

yanbu - I've been in these situations. My sister has wanted to invite her SIL, because that's where she'll be coming from. But a quiet word usually does the trick. Your Sisters loyalty should lie with the you, not MIL or SIL or anyone else. She should have understood your feelings.

But with your brother not being invited for Easter, especially when your mum wanted them there as well..... oooo YABU - but that's just my opinion.

[MrsRedford]

p.s. call your sister. You obviously miss her and she probably misses you

[Lonnie]

oh wow you both sound like you have a lot of issues...

ok lets see

YNBU to not invite brother

Your Mum was NBU to want you to and again NBU to accept your firm no nor were you BU to stand firm in that no

Sis was NBU to ask for MIL to come over (even with just 1 hours notice she may have thought MIL did not have plans and not realised ) however She is BU to get angry when you said no.

I do feel you are BU in saying no to the Mil and the fact you intended to phone back to say bring her shows deep down you did too.
however if your exact words where do you mind if she doesnt then I think you worded it very politely and sis could have simply said come on its easter and you would have likely sighed and said oh go on then. However that is your choice and you are fully within your right to say no (see above about sis BU for getting angry at the no)

Your sister is BU to cancel and she was also U to tell your brother and Sil they had not been invited

Incidently both Sil and bro are BU if they are offended they where not invited..

Lastly

you are BOTH being unresonable and VERY immature in not taking for 3 weeks over what frankly was a situation where many of you did not behave in a plesant manner.

did you at least have a decent easter egg?

[whatname]

lighten up a bit

[Pennies]

You were all being unreasonable. (YWABU).

[ELCSadvice]

You should have mentioned the drugs in the OP. "We're not close" isn't the same thing as "he brought drugs into my house".

[Coldhands]

YANBU. You don't see that much of your brother, his kids are difficult and your sister shouldn't have asked you an hour before if she could bring someone else and she shouldn't have cancelled because of it.

She sounds very petty like throwing her toys out because she didn't get her own way, then informing your brother.

I hate it when families say "oh why aren't you inviting so and so" FFS, because I don't get on with them and don't want to spend time with them maybe?

I have this with a cousin of mine. She is a shit stirring, backstabbing bitch that some of us can't stand and the others put up with her because she is family. Well bollocks to that. If I don't want to invite someone, I won't do it, no matter how many times my nan asks me "are you inviting 'backstabbing bitch' too". Um, no actually I don't want her at my 2 year olds party.

Sorry, had a bit of a rant there but this sort of thing pisses me right off. You wouldn't be friends with someone you didn't like so why put up with idiots just because you are unfortunate enough to be related to them.

And breathe!

[myboysmum]

wow, lots of mixed responses here.

I actually do think i was BU by not saying yes to my sis regarding the MIL but once sis started getting shitty instead of just accepting my decision i wasn't going to change my mind. I usually get on well with her but she can be very moody and i feel like i am walking on eggshells with her sometimes cos if something doesn't go her way she just snaps, so i have to be very careful with what i say. you will probably say i have just acted the same way as her but to be honest i never say no to anything she asks but for once i dcecided to stand my ground and i feel she should have accepted my decision and not try and blackmail me.
I do not think i am BU regarding my brother, there is a lot more issues going on there and we have never got on, even as kids, but do toloerate each other for the sake of the rest of the family.