AIBU to feel really upset about this and not know what to do

[sorebore]

I've been friends with a group of women for 20+ years. There have been various fallings out over the years, and last year one of them withdrew from me completely - we were both pregnant and she thought I had acted strangely to her and didn't really want to engage, so I've just let it go for now. Anyway, another of the group has been acting very distant for the last year (although texting happy new year to me etc) and I just found out she is having a big party for her 40th, and I'm clearly not invited. We've always been there for each other for major occasions. I feel gutted, embarrassed and really hurt as other friends of the group clearly know about and are going to the party but keeping it from me. I dearly love the women I'm still friends with but have clearly been sort of ostracised at some level.

[Mouseface]

"another of the group has been acting very distant for the last year" would imply that she's not as fond of you as you say at the end of your post you are of her.

I'd ask her what she is planning for her 40th?
Or how the plans for the 40th are going?

See what she says? If you feel you can?

[sorebore]

Well I guess she isn't so fond, I meant I am still very good friends with others in the group. I don't think I could ask about plans, I feel the size of a pea as it is that so many mutual friends obviously know about the party and are studiously avoiding mentioning it to me. Just want to curl up in a hole

[deleting]

you must be feeling awful about it understandably and ynbu to be upset. Are the two women who are acting strangely closer to each other than to you.. It could be that she is not inviting you because she is closer to the one who has withdrawn and doesn't want to make it awkward for her. how did you find out about the party? what caused the prob between you and the one who has withdrawn, it must hold the key! Was she the dominant one of the group perhaps?

[CrowAndAlice]

Has something changed in your situation? For example, have you changed career or have more money now? Or more children iyswim... Sometimes a group of friends can like the Status Quo to stay like that forever.

[RedRedWine1980]

How often do you see this woman? Id mention it personally but then thats the kind of person I am I like to deal with an issue direct iygwim

[zipzap]

Is there one of the women in the group that you are closer to that you could ask in confidence if she knows any reason why you are being ostracised by the others?

[sorebore]

Yes, I suppose she is closer to the one that withdrew. I've met that one a couple of times at things and we've got on fine when we've met. I found out about the party by accident on facebook. And maybe she was the more dominant one. What caused the problem is still sort of unclear, I upset her inadvertantly and although I wrote a major apology she was not interested in re-engaging 'for now' so I haven't gone there again as it is upsetting and I hoped time would heal things a bit....
A few things have changed alright and there is less of a 'group' as such, but as we'd always been at major events for each other this seems a definite decision. Is there a way to get over this terrible feeling? I can't just completely withdraw but its so upsetting

[sorebore]

zipzap, yes there is one I am very close to, I asked before what was up with the birthday one and she said to just get in touch with her, invite her round etc, but having done that and got minimal response I feel like a fool. I don't want to be the 'awkward' one IYSWIM, or cause any drama but it is really hard to take that people I've been friends with for years can act like this

[Mouseface]

Maybe try what zipzap suggests then?

It's a shitty situation to be in.

[sorebore]

mouseface - I could do but as I said don't want to put that friend in an awkward position where she has to account for the others, and I don;t know how not to be upset in front of her. Thanks for recognising that is is a horrible situation, obviously things change and there can be a natural falling-off or change in focus (I have 2 small dcs for example!) but I hate to think they are talking about how to keep the party from me and so on and feel pretty depressed really

[deleting]

I think you know why you haven't been invited to the party though don't you? she hasn't been speaking to you for a year or so for whatever reason, so there's obviously a problem). I suppose the most hurtful thing is that the others are keeping it from you as well, at least that would be my main concern. Perhaps the dominant one has been causing trouble and trying to get them all on her side against you or perhaps they feel awkward about not telling you, but don't want to be the one to rock the boat.

[sorebore]

well that is what is weird, she has been sort of talking to me..just not very enthusiastically. Keeping it from me could be just trying to protect my feelings I suppose or avoiding awkwardness. Maybe she just doesn't like me any more (but why show up with a gorgeous present when my last dc was born?). Its a minefield but I do sometimes feel so bad I just want to disappear

[sorebore]

I'm going now for a while, all I'd add is if you ever ostracise someone, please think about the impact you are having on them. Long friendships do bring a certain amount of responsibility and while we all want a quiet life to some degree, this sort of thing can be pretty devastating

[CrowAndAlice]

Don't disappear - make them disappear....from your life.

Find some fun new friends that you have more in common with and who don't act in the same old way they did 20 yrs ago when it was okay to do the whole "she said, she said" thing.

You can get stuck in friend ruts as well as relationships ones...

[deleting]

I wouldn't bother with either of them anymore. She's obviously made her mind up (or been influenced by the one who doesn't speak), but hasn't got the balls to just say it and so is slowly fading you out. I would try to find out from the one who is closest to you. She wouldn't have to account for anyone, but it might be interesting to know whether the one who doesn't speak has been slagging you off and trying to turn the others against you. I hope you can sort it out. I would feel the same as you and want to hide, but it might be nice to get some answers, might not be as bad as you think and if someone has been stirring, you could sort it out quickly and at least keep the others as friends.

[deleting]

... or do what crowandalice says!

[sorebore]

Thanks, I've been slowly trying to build new networks of friends, bit tricky with working ft, the two babies and general v dented self-esteem. Can't and really don't want to disappear the ones I'm still friends with, I do think we're still friends as I've sort of on purpose waited for them to contact me so as not to feel such a friendless saddo...but v upset. Some answers would be good alright! Must say, group dynamics with female friends can be so complex, makes me just want to hang out with my mum! ok, all upset all over again, thanks for everything

[Pikelit]

I'm treading cautiously here because I can see what an emotional impact all this has had. But sometimes friendships do run their course and the fall-out will always be difficult. If your former friend doesn't want to "re-engage" right now then I am sure she won't want her 40th birthday party used as a test of her feelings about you at the moment. Certainly, she won't want the occasion to come with built-in awkwardness. Not just for her or you but for the whole friendship group and everyone else invited. It is a party, not a therapy session.

I am not saying that your former friend is right to treat you as she has but I don't know the full details, let alone the dynamics. I do know that it will never be easy to disengage from long-term friendships but your other friends in the group don't come across as being nastily two-faced or glorying in the grief.

The curse that can be Facebook is, of course, at the root of most of this. Had you not known about the party you'd not be feeling as you are right now.

Move on, I say. There's a whole world of new friends out there.

[Prinpo]

sorebore, just wanted to say that I can see why you're so upset and YANBU for feeling that way. It's horrible to feel that you're being ostracised.

Would it help to set going to the party aside as an issue? Accept that you're not going but use it as an impetus to try to sort out the lingering bad feeling that there seems to be. You say that you invited the woman over but that you got minimal response. How about getting in touch with her again but being very open and specific about wanting to clear the air. You could say that you didn't want to say anything before the party as you didn't want her to feel pressurised into asking you, but clearly something has gone awry for her to leave you out in this way (it's hard for her to deny something's going on if you put it like this). Ask whether you and she can talk about it as you value this group of friends and you really want to sort out any upsets that have happened. I've probably not phrased that very well but you see what I mean.

If you can, I'd be open-minded and wait to hear what's going on from her point of view. If it turns out that she is being deliberately unpleasant then I would make the decision to take a step back and only stay in contact with people individually with whom you still feel close. If, however, there's something that can be rectified then you'll have forced the issue and hopefully you'll be able to sort it out between yourselves.

Sorry once again for how you're feeling. It's completely understandable. Give yourself a while to feel all those feelings and then resolve to do something about it.

[sorebore]

Pikelit - yes, I understand, I really don't want to be the party pooper and in general to the one I previously asked what was going on, I haven't asked about the party as I'd rather be breezy and light hearted and have fun together instead of being the gloomy upset one, no matter how I feel. Its hard to disentangle a natural drifting apart from someone deliberately disengaging due to something that might be fixed.
I can't fully move on as we have mutual friends who seem to be fond of me still, although I see them usually one-on-one as I'm not invited to group events since all this started. Its weird, it means I'm cut off from friends of friends as well to a large degree. Yuck, the isolation.
Prinpo, that is a good plan if I can manage to be open and specific. At least I'd know if it could be rectified.
It is hard to know what is nostalgia for youthful fun and what is just a reaction to being left out.
Thanks for your responses

[agedknees]

sorebore - just wanted to give you a big unmn hug!!!

tbh leaving someone out of things is a bit childish. YANBU to feel hurt.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

YANBU to be hurt.

Was it a really bad thing you did or said? Can't think why a grown woman would deliberately ostrasize someone for a minor 'misdemeanor'.

[Sn0wflake]

Ummm......is it not possible that it has been a mistake? I mean I have had parties where I sent out an e-mail list and just forgot to put someone on. Or sometimes I try to keep to a number but am really fine to have someone else if they want to come.

I know there is a tendency to think that everybody thinks about you and has a reason for doing things a certain way but one of the things that I have learned the hard way is that most people are not paying attention to you at all. They are just walking around with their own problems taking up there head space.

I think you should just say to the lady that you would quite like to come to the party....or broach it with another in the circle.

[sorebore]

hi...thanks for the hug! It is a bugger the whole thing and hard to know whether to just accept it or not...not such a bad thing i think i said or did more she felt I was being patronising, she was going through a bit of a bad time and I think I was pretty clumsy in how I expressed concern. She said she understood it wasn't on purpose/vindictive but she just wasn't ready to engage with me, so I took that as leaving it in her court. There have been a couple of other strange fallings out in the group so maybe everyone is reconsidering their friendships and culling whoever they don't feel that connected to, or at least the issue was forced by me making someone feel uncomfortable, they've got by without me for a year now and so why bother going to the trouble of re-connecting on their part? Or something like that.
Sn0wflake: thanks, I know I'm not central to her world any more, but I wouldn't be able to ask, its embarrassing enough to try to be in touch with her and be met with a fairly cool response...