To actually feel this way?

[MNKeepsMeSane]

OK i know I am but i really have tried.

I am a reg who has name changed.

I have 2 children the eldest is such hard work and as much as I love my eldest I just don't like him or his behaviour. This morning I have had an hour long lecture about how i am a rubbish mother because i didn't have money to give him to buy songs drinks at school, but did give him a bottle of juice to take. In turn he walked past youngest and hit him round the head.

He then went into his room to get dressed and stood throwing a football at the wall.

this is just one thing in a long line of many and tbh i am worn out. I love him with all my heart yet I cannot like him because of the way he behaves and the evil things he says to me. I dont treat him badly, I take him out for day trips where we all have fun - as long as I don't speak to him.

The other day I took them both out with dfamily and we had a brilliant day until my nephew homed in on me for a hug - which i had tried to give ds1 already - and ds1 ended up walking over and telling me he hated me.

He also pushed my younger nephew off of a small fence so he fell backwards onto the cobble stones banging his head and grazing his back.

I am so worn out with everything. I have camhs coming out soon but i am sat here once again on the edge of tears because of it all.

My mum has also noticed the way he works now iyswim? for example if i arrange a day out he will kick off so he gets left behind then moan he doesn't go anywhere,(only ever been left behind once) when i take him out he moans that its boring and shows me up so we go home and then he moans i don't take him anywhere.

I am meant to be visiting friends this weekend and he has already told me if i take him he will show me up and if i don't he will scream when i come home.....

Last week i went out with friends and their children, he threatened me all week that if i took him he would show off and ruin the day. I ended up calling my friend and saying i wouldn't be going, when i told her why she told me i had to go and not let him dictate to me.

Yesterday DS2 had a chocolate bar left over from an easter egg,DS1 had eaten all of his, and DS1 took it and hid it, it was only the fact that DS2 was crying and asking for it back that alerted me to it and I found it hidden between a stack of books. DS1 blamed DS2 who could not have possibly reached where it had been hidden.

I cannot leave money around as he takes it and even when caught with it lies about where he got it from.

he is 11 btw and this behaviour has been going on for 7 1/2 years.

[MVCQu]

I wish I had a magic wand for you hon. I just want you to know that you're not alone, my youngest is very much like your son. The lies, the aggression, the manipulation, the stealing, the far younger than actual age bad behaviour, and the screaming, oh the screaming, I often feel like just walking away and never coming back. Mine refuses to go to CAHMS so I'm stuck with it. I just hope your son gets help as soon as is humanly possible and life gets easier for you all.

[MNKeepsMeSane]

MVC, I got round that by the fact that they are coming to my home...

[RunawayWife]

Think I know who you are, don't know what to suggest TBH.

Hope you can see you are doing everything you can and you are not a bad mother

[MVCQu]

MNKMS, can I ask, did you get CAHMS to visit because your son wouldn't go to them, or is a home visit standard where you live? I'd be over the moon for them to come out to me but all I got from my GP was, oh well, if she won't go there's nothing I can do. I've moved house since then, same health auth but different GP. I wondered if its worth asking again?

[MNKeepsMeSane]

i feel like a terrible mother for feeling this way!!!

I have home visits because he refused rather loudly to go when they were on the phone trying to make an appt.

[MVCQu]

Thank you for the information. I'll try again, perhaps letting the GP see the behaviour for themself is not a bad thing.

You are NOT a bad mother, you're doing all you can, you're just exhausted you poor love. Thinking of you and hoping for answers for you.

[MNKeepsMeSane]

MVC when CAMHS called to make appt, DS1 was in background having a hissy fit, then when he realised who I was talking to he shouted at me "you want me to see them then get them here cos you arent big enough to get me to them"
The gent i was talking to said "tell him thats fine we will see him at home on the 29th" - foot shot self in it rearrange those words for my reply to DS1 lol.

[MNKeepsMeSane]

Runawaywife...i name changed not to hide but because i am considering keeping this name lol

[scaryteacher]

MN - you are doing fine. All I can suggest is that you keep offering him love and affection, however hard it is; include him in family trips; and do not let him dictate. You are the adult. If he says he will show you up, then let him, but explain that it is himself he is showing up, not you.

Ignore the bad behaviour (although I know that is soo hard) and just keep buggering on. If you don't rise to his provocation and leave him nowhere to go by carrying on a normal life he will either escalate or give in. As he's 11, I would suggest that you have longer staying power then him.

How is he at school? What is the age gap between him and ds2?

[SwissCheeseIsHolyCheesus]

My mantra has become 'it's not the child you hate, it's the behaviour'

But some days .....

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Swiss thats the exact thing I love him dearly but i hate his behaviour

[3kids2many]

This may not be much of a reasurance but my oldest boy was quite similar. Somewhere around his 16th birthday he turned a corner. He is now a mature, successful 18 year old who helps me keep the other boys in order. Does his daddy play any role in his parenting?

[SwissCheeseIsHolyCheesus]

I have to get my dd up at 6'30 for school to get all the manipulating, tantrums and tiaras etc out of the way. This morning I ended up dressing her, she's 11 ffs.

She does have asd and I understand/accept that, obviously I adapt my behaviour to suit her but in all honesty some days I look at her and think you are the most vile, manipulative person I have ever met, I don't want you anywhere near me.

I hate feeling this way, but that's the way it is

[emsyj]

You say you love him and treat him and his brother fairly, but he KNOWS you don't really like him. I am not a psychologist (and have zero knowledge or experience of, well, anything much really) but that is what I sense when I read your post. He thinks you don't like him and he can't differentiate between like and love. That is quite a sophisticated distinction - and don't forget, he's not a parent (and nor am I yet) so for him the idea of loving someone wholly and unconditionally but not liking them much is a total unknown. So for him, the feeling that you don't like him = you don't love him.

It's just the feeling I get from reading your posts, that's all.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Emsy, I worded it wrong I love and Like him but not his behaviour. I like him a lot but i hate the way he behaves.

Yes they are treated fairly in fact i would go as far as to say DS1 is treated differently yes but in a way that you do treat a 2yr old and an almost 12yr old different. He has more days out with dp alone than DS2 ever has, he has time spent helping with homework, although he doesn't need the help we do it to try and spend time with him, we play board games with him or wii games, but they always end in disaster. We used to ask his opinion on where we were going until he started kicking off at this.

The last psycholigist diagnosed ODD, so am hoping camhs can help with ideas.

[MitchyInge]

Of course yanbu, and I hope CAMHS are helpful even if they only offer family therapy.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Family support/therapy will be just as welcomed as stratagies to combat this behaviour. When i was on the phone to them the gent i was talking to was very supportive and said they have plenty of ideas....now have everything crossed.

[Prinpo]

You must be at the end of your tether if it's been going on for so long. I'm hope that CAMHS are helpful. In addition, have you tried the Parentline Plus helpline? It might help to talk with someone impartial who can help you at least to make sense of his behaviour. Please don't beat yourself up about this - you obviously love him dearly or else you wouldn't be so worried and wouldn't have been trying for so long.

[Prinpo]

You must be at the end of your tether if it's been going on for so long. I'm hope that CAMHS are helpful. In addition, have you tried the Parentline Plus helpline? It might help to talk with someone impartial who can help you at least to make sense of his behaviour. Please don't beat yourself up about this - you obviously love him dearly or else you wouldn't be so worried and wouldn't have been trying for so long.

[Prinpo]

Oops, double post. Forgot to add that YA deffo NBU to feel this way. You know you love him but his behaviour is so extreme that it's getting in the way of all the positive feelings you have for him. I don't believe that feelings can be wrong - it's just a question of how you react to them.

[SwissCheeseIsHolyCheesus]

It's like you give them your all, days out, lots and lots of 1 to 1, always make time to chat, do things you know they enjoy etc and get nada result.

I love/like my dd a lot, she is a great, funloving, well liked child but she also has a streak of vileness/jealousy that some days even I find hard to comprehend, eg, she stayed at her Aunts recently, she'd asked to go and had a great time. The second she came home she pulled my hair to show me who's boss then spentthe next hr screaming because i'd spent the day with her dbro and she was jealous that we might have done fun stuff without her.

I never spend time alone with ds alone (who also has Autism) and it's just so sad that he seems almost resgned to the situation.

Seriously, I don't know how much more I can put up with

[emsyj]

It's very that it has been like this for so long for you, I hope the family therapy will help you and him to be happy again. YANBU to feel at the end of your tether. 7.5 years is a long time.

[lottaluvin]

Again I would ask where is his dad in this?

Although I don't really go for the mumbo jumbo books I did read Raising Boys. Not all chapters were relevant to our life but watching my ds grow I totally get the fact that boys need male interaction in their life, and I do think that as a mother I find it hard to be cold and just say that's it. Are there many male role models around who can say - it's just disrespectful to treat your mother like that?

Boys need boundaries so much more than girls, they actually like them, even if they don't know it themselves.

My husband is so calm in tantrums, whereas I start getting watery eyeballs and a wobbly voice. He states the behaviour he wants and then acts on it. He gets one chance and would be left behind on all the trips if he acted like your son...he'd soon learn. I don't think exclusion is cruel, if my son starts winding up to a tantrum I walk away and go to the toilet, lock the door, and read Grazia lol!

But, when he does act like a great kid do you praise him unashamedly? I always welcome our happy son back (I know that's a little "young" for your ds, but you can adapt), and tell him that I've missed him!

Is he like this at school?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

right let me see if i can answer without missing anyone.

His dad (dp) helps with him all the time..well as much as is possible.
His father has not seen him barr one visit in almost 5yrs now.
He has boundaries and pushes them constantly, you confiscate something he takes it back...am getting a safe for this purpose.
I praise him lots when he has done something that deserves it iyswim? and he ends up screaming and shouting at me because i have praised him.
He is not like this at school, my sisters, my mums, when he is out with DP, etc but as soon as he see's me and i mean lays eyes on me it is like the devil has taken him over. He happily tells people that he has no respect for me and blames me for his father leaving. Now i have to say IF his father had left recently then i would be accepting of that. BUT he and I split almost 10 yrs ago (May 27th is 10yrs, DS1 was 22m old).

Leaving him behind is not always plausible because there is not anyone to leave him with and i cannot leave him indoors as he is destructive. In 3 minutes before xmas he smashed my phone.

Swiss aside from the ASD you have described DS1.