that it is slightly unfair..(may be sensetive topic)

[thisisnotwhoyouthink]

..that if someone is having issues with a family member (usually parents) that they quite often get slammed for it, because other posters come in and say " well at least you have a Mum/Dad/whoever, so just be grateful" ?

I understand that people have lost loved ones, I really do. I understand that you would miss them. A lot.

BUT this doesnt mean that everyone else whose mum/dad/whatever is still here has/had as good a relationship with their family member as you did. And isnt it a bit unfair to slam them for having a whinge/vent or not having as good as relationship just because you miss your loved one?

Some people have genuine issues with these family members, some have genuinely crap upbringings, some have different ideas of privacy and acceptable-ness and the boundaries that people set are not going to be the same as you would set for your family. Because we are all different.

So yes, you may THINK well I miss mum/dad/whoever, but that doesnt mean that everyone else should put up with crap from their family because they are still around.

Or am I wrong and it is ok to tell people to put up with crap from family members because they are alive and 'family'?

[compo]

yanbu

by the same token everyone having fertiility issues or every single parent could say the same on threads moaning about sleepless nights and crap husbands

[thisisnotwhoyouthink]

(but I agree in SOME cases, SOME people are being a LITTLE unreasonable and rude and should get over themselves )

(and just to add I dont think all vents should be met with a there there pat pat you are so right, either!! )

[BusyMissIzzy]

You're not wrong. But if I had lost someone close to me, I can see how I'd feel a bit miffed at people complaining about things that might seem petty/trivial.

It's all relative (no pun intened ).

[Ukelegirl]

I agree with both of you

I havent got family locally
So when I read about people having difficulties with family and childcare, Im often tempted to say "well at least your family live locally"

But that would be silly and frankly rather insensitive so I dont!

Some people need to try a little harder to empathise with others I think.

Yes you might not XYZ but you probably have got ABC so quit moaning

[thisisnotwhoyouthink]

Yes, might be miffed, but isnt it reasonable to think that people should realise everyones circumstances are different? And if the thread/vent/petty issue upsets you, then stay away from it?

Compo - exactly! We should all feel guilty for everything!! All that is needed is a little thought!

[LaurieFairyCake]

Because some people are unable to see the boundaries between them and other people so they think every post is directly about them.

It would be utterly stupid and selfish of me to wander onto every thread where people were complaining about their children (a lot of posts on mumsnet) and say "oh you should be grateful you have them really as I've had a load of miscarriages".

[posieparker]

YANBU

[giddly]

I think you have a point. But on the ohter hand I think that many of those comments are made on threads where the OP has what the casual reader would consider a fairly minor issue - I've seen it on things like "my DM buys my DD too many presents at Xmas" which, while I can understand can be a bit undermining is difficult to get excited about unless there are other undisclosed deeper issues. I think some OPs do seem quite ungrateful for the help and support they get which is a bit galling to those of us who get none. However, as you say not all parents are great and supportive, and you shouldn't be expected to feel umremittingly positive about them just because you still have them.

[TheProvincialLady]

YANBU. It depends on whether your family are wonderful, nice, ok, poor, awful or really abusive. Whilst it is sad if your wonderful to poor father has died, those of us who have suffered awful or really abusive ones might not feel the same way and it doesn't take that much empathy IMO.

[lotster]

YANBU

[BuzzingNoise]

YANBU.

[PrivetDancer]

I agree, OP. It's a bit of a trump card that can only serve to make an OP feel shitty for moaning (and who cares if some threads are about light-hearted moans, we don't just want doom and gloom and real issues on here, surely), and garner some sympathy for the commenter. So then the thread has to have a load of 'sorry to hear about your mum / fish' and the op loses her advice.

ftr I only have one parent left, but have never felt the need to mention it apart from now in case I am accused of being heartless!

[BuzzingNoise]

Privet is right.

[TulipsInTheRain]

YAtotallyNBU

it drivesme mad too, seen it on several threads in the last few days and it just makes me

[2shoes]

yanbu
but.......
I admit I have to really sit on my hands sometimes as I do envy people who still have thier parenst.
but that is my problem not thiers iynwim

[LostArtOfKeepingASecret]

Privet has said what I was going to say, only much, much better!

[OrmRenewed]

Of course yanbu. But sometimes OPs do need to get real. Some of the whinges on here are a bit pathetic It's a good a way as any of telling them that.

[Hassled]

I'm with 2shoes - the OP is absolutely right but I do do a fair bit of hand-sitting-on. I want to tell people to just bloody appreciate what they have - but you're right, that's unfair. It would just slide into some gruesome Top Trumps thing.

[thisisnotwhoyouthink]

Oh, I agree, like I said sometimes people need to get a grip, but it is the way it is pointed out that I object to , I think?

[ChippingIn]

I also think a thread about a thread, directly after someone has made this comment is particulary insensitive - could you have not at least waited a few days?

It was not an easily avoidable thread as it didn't say in the title what it was about... and sometimes I think people do snap and it's not that bad to remind people that the trivial things their parents do that annoy them, might not seem that big a deal if they lost them tomorrow, so maybe they should appreciate having them a bit more, while they do!!

I try to think about the poster and the relationship with their parents before answering, because it is true, not all parents are created equally, but if someone is posting to say their Mum is a pain in the arse because she buys the children an ice cream once a year on holiday - you do tend to think 'get the fuck over it'.

[thisisnotwhoyouthink]

Sorry Chipping - I didnt actually mean this about a particular thread at all, I have thought it every time I have seen it. And I have seen it quite a bit recently. And it wasnt aimed at one poster in particular either.

But I apologise if I have upset you. It totally wasnt intended.

[thisisnotwhoyouthink]

I have just been back to the thread that I think chipping in was referring to. I hadnt read it all before I posted my OP.

I apologise to anyone who may have been upset by my thoughts expressed in my OP. (specifically Ivy)

[ChippingIn]

Oh it wasn't me I was defending but another poster from a thread I have just come from!!

I'm sorry if it was just a co-incidence.

I do understand your POV, but I think it cuts both ways - is all I was trying, rather clumsily, to say

There are a few other things like that, that are annoying, but it's hard to say without upsetting people.

[ClaireDeLoon]

YANBU!

Reminds me of a year or so ago there was a thread in conception with people who had been trying a while for their first and someone rocked up and said you should be grateful you can't conceive because I had terrible tearing when I gave birth which was massively helpful.

[thisisnotwhoyouthink]

x-posts!