to not lend my pil some money?

[RoseBlossoms]

Ok i will try to be brief.

DH has rung today to say his mum has rung him to ask if they can borrow £1500 for a new van.( fil is a handyman for a group of nursing homes needs a van and own tools for work, has one but is on last legs, but has passed MOT at christmas so should last a little longer)

I'm very uncomfortable with lending this amount of money as DH worked for his dad with his company some years ago and lent him money and never got it back (was about 500-600) after this DH found another job, his dad declared bankrupcy soon after. Was big deal at the time pil lost house was big family drama.

DH at this time promised never to lend him money again. However over christmas DH lent fil £300 to get the van fixed and through its MOT, he told me after he had done this we did get it back but not for about 6 weeks.(in this time pil went away for 2 trips away) I was very cross and DH said he would not lend him money without asking me first.

I'm not working at the moment as we have 2yr old and 6 week old. For me to be at home we have made sacrifics (not going out, reducing food bills, stopping smoking, getting rid of car) DH is working but he doesnt earn massive amounts (about 15k after tax). We are saving for a house deposit as well.

The issue is not the money as we do have it saved and could lend it, but i just feel so uncomfortable.

Its all so last minute as well as fil "needs" the money for the weekend so he can get this new van. All i can think is pil have created there money worries and should ask someone else!

They do help out with children. Am i the worse dil for saying no to lending the money?

[farmerjones]

personally, i would never tell dh not to give his mom money, or let him tell me not to give my parents money. but then, as you said yourself, its not about the money as such, its the rest of it. the realationship with them.
i would say, let him decide. dont say no , as it could come back to bite you.

[Flyonthewindscreen]

YANBU. Can't believe your PIL would ask to borrow money when you are bringing up 2 small DC (their DGC) on a low wage and are saving for a house. I'm not being anti IL here, it would be different if you were saying you were well off but just didn't want to help, but I don't see you are in a position to help atm.

[TottWriter]

No. YANBU. Your FIL has proven that he's unreliable with money in the past, and you are saving for a better future for your children - the money that he borrows (and for how long? How do you know how promptly he'll be able to get you £1500 back if he struggled with £300?) is for you and your DC's future - not to mention his own son's. Borrowing a little here and there is one thing if it's a quick fix, but that's a hell of a lot to be asking of someone who's only taking home 15k pa themselves.

I feel dreadfully guilty having borrowed £500 off my Dad to pay the rent one month, as we're on benefits and haven't managed to get it back to him yet (it will have to be in installments). But he said at the time that he "didn't mind helping his daughter out", and when he lost his job a few months later refused his money back at the point we could afford it.

Personally, I just can't help thinking how much money that is to be asking when you've borrowed in the past and not been able to repay. I would never ask someone to sub me that for anything, especially as we have financial issues.

I do feel sorry for your FIL though; it won't be easy to get credit having been bankrupt - that hangs on your credit record for at least six years. Still, feeling sorry for him doesn't make him able to pay you back, and it's not like you don't have a purpose for the money.

[AMumInScotland]

If the van passed its MOT at Christmas, then why can't he save up until he can afford to buy another one? Surely he can save the money gradually - if not, then he won't be able to afford to pay you back either!

As others have said, he's proved before that he's not good at repaying loans, and those were for much less. You can't afford to lose this money, so you can't lend it to a bad risk.

Oh and some brownie points to your DH for remembering that he had said he would ask you before lending in future. Though he should really have stuck to the original agreement of not lending, not just asking first.

[farmerjones]

tott, i disagree with you. these are his PARENTS. personally, when i have given money to my parents, i have never ever expected them back, and would never expect mil to give it back to dh either. they brought us up, sacrificing who knows what, and if we can help them out financilly a little bit, then thats what we should do.
but it all depends on the relationships. ive heard of some incredibly toxic ones on mn, so wouldnt think it advisable in those conditions, but tbh, saving up for a house doesnt sound like something that is all that desperate imo. a little generosity of spirit often gives huge returns in the long run.

[RoseBlossoms]

So sorry i didnt come back to this thread earlier.

I'm glad to know that my reservations were not completely unfounded!

We did lend them the money and we got it all back 2 weeks later as agreed, dh's mum got a loan!

I felt that dh put me between a rock and a hard place as me saying no made me a bitch.

Farmerjones - i understand what you are saying but feel that lending most of our savings i would expect it back! Its taken 2 years to save that kind of money. What about our children? We are throwing money away renting the sooner we can get a deposit the better it will be for our (me dh and kids) family future.

Amuminscotland - That is exactly how i feel about buying new things, you make due until you can save up and replace. Thats why i was so against giving them the money! As we dont have a car as we cannot afford it at the moment. I feel its all about whats important!

Thanks everyone for your advice.

[DaisymooSteiner]

Your children are your priority, not his parents. As a parent I would never, ever expect my kids to sacrifice something for my benefit in this way.

YANBU.

[Earlybird]

Maybe a wild suggestion - what if your dh bought the van and 'leased' it to his father for a monthly rate? You'd be helping out, but not giving, iyswim.

[OTTMummA]

i think your PIL are being bloody cheeky asking for that amount when you've got 2 little ones and have a small amount to live on anyway!

treat your savings for a deposit as if they do not exsist and simply say you haven't got that kind of money lying around spare.

I would lend money to my family ( except the ones who haven't paid me back on time or ever! ) as i do think we need to help each other out when we can, but i wouldn't expect someone to of asked me for this amount 6 weeks after having a second baby.

[clam]

So you'd be lending him money to buy the car that you can't afford?

I think that you should only lend this money if you'd be OK with giving it to them outright and writing off ever getting it back. No? Then don't lend it.

[ChippingIn]

People, read the thread - it's only 11 posts!!!

Rose - I'm relieved it worked out OK this time. However, if I were you I'd be speaking to DH about the whole 'lending money' stuff. TBH you aren't in a position to give that money to your PIL (or anyone else) and so, unless it's life and death you'd be better not to lend it. You are doing your very best to 'get ahead' I'd hate to see that trashed by a 'loan' not being repaid

[RoseBlossoms]

Chippingin - thanks i have spoken to DH and explained why lending money makes me so uncomfortable. My parents or family would never ask me for money, i just think its the wrong way around! Its just so difficult as they are his parents. I've told him never again as i didnt sleep worrying that we wouldnt get it back!

Clam - we dont have a car as dh doesnt drive and me being at home i dont need one, it was a choice of car or trying to save for a deposit.

We its all worked out now!
Well for the time being at least!

[Bathsheba]

If your FIL is self employed as a handyman, is he not in a position to go to the bank and ask for a business loan for this van..??

[diddl]

I wouldn´t want to lend that amount to a man with that history tbh.