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AIBU?

AIBU to think that you can't spoil a child with toys and clothes?

16 replies

lilyjen · 12/03/2010 16:15

I have just one child, a daughter and when i'm in town I often see toys, dvds, games, clothes etc that I know she'll love. So far I have held back from 'spoiling' her with too much stuff and only buy clothes when she needs them and toys and gifts for birthdays and occaisional treats, but I was in town today and picked up 2 dvds, a cd and a jacket just because I felt like it and knew she'd like them. I reckon if I could find an excuse to think this is ok I could probably do this quite reguarly tbh. What do you think the possible dangers of this are and AIBU? I don't think it's cool to see children demanding things from their parents but I don't give into pester power usually when she's with me out and about, i'm just a bit of an indulging mum by nature I think..

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BitOfFun · 12/03/2010 16:18

Of course you can spoil them with toys and clothes.

That's completely different to occasionally providing a treat though.

mamsnet · 12/03/2010 16:19

Well, the danger is that she comes to expect stuff.. You know yourself and your own DD but I would be very careful. It's nice for things to be special imo

mrsruffallo · 12/03/2010 16:21

How old is she?

It's nice for them not to have too much

claw3 · 12/03/2010 16:21

I think the phrase you are looking for is 'you cant spoil a child with love and attention'

I think buying a child toys and clothes all the time, is what is meant by spoiling a child.

Whether your dd will end up being a spoilt child, is your call.

MorrisZapp · 12/03/2010 16:22

I think the 'problem' is that most goods in shops are now a fraction of the price they were when we were kids.

Toys, clothes, DVDs for kids etc are now cheaper then your weekly food shop. I get really depressed at how much 'stuff' all my nephews have, and how much they take it for granted. But the fact is, the stuff is cheap and brings a lot of happiness so it's really hard for parents not to just pick it up and chuck it in the trolley.

When I was a kid clothes and toys were comparatively very expensive. I had to beg and plead to get anything, and much of what I did get was second hand.

So now I'm like an old duffer, moaning my head off about 'kids today' etc. But you can't hold back the tide can you. It all washes into your house one way or another.

onebadbaby · 12/03/2010 16:41

Clothes are fine in my view- I love fashion and dressing my daughter up- she's indifferent to it and I don't think she is bothered whether she has 2 dresses or 10 in her wardrobe, but it makes me happy. However, she doesn't get everything she asks for and has to wait for toys, and dvds, etc

waitingforbedtime · 12/03/2010 16:45

Ds has so many toys its ridiculous but he never asks for anything and will walk down a toy aisle or whatever - look at a toy and not moan and cry about it. If he was asking and whining for stuff Id be furious - with myself for bringing him up like that. He doesnt get much from us, grandparents 'spoil' him though. I think you also get kids who are never told off or told theyre wrong - thats worse than having material things imo.

MumNWLondon · 12/03/2010 16:51

Of course you can spoil a children with clothes and toys, they just come to expect everything.

If I buy things I think either DC will like then I show them and say they can have them when they finish their current star chart eg for reading (DD - age 6) or dressing himself (DS nearly 4).

overmydeadbody · 12/03/2010 16:54

YABU

Of course kids can be spoilt by too many toys and clothes etc.

Because the more they get given, the less they appreciate what they have got and the more they expect. And they don;t learn the value of looking after what you have because they grow up thinking that it can always be replaced.

Be careful not to spoil yor child with material goods, if you do she will stop getting pleasure out of the things you buy her, she will just come to expect it.

groundhogs · 12/03/2010 16:57

You are on a fast track to spoiling your DD OP, she's not demanding it now, but she will soon be expecting it, and then demanding it.

It seems that these days, no-one waits, saves or aspires to anything. They want it, they get it, if they can't afford it, they borrow to get it or whack it on the never-never.

If you keep indulging her, you will be much poorer for it, and raise a child with an exaggerated sense of entitlement...

Also, you can use treats as incentives for good behaviour, but you can only have treats if they are few and far between.... Your indulgence could actually work against the discipline of your DD.

Check it now, before it creates a problem.

overmydeadbody · 12/03/2010 16:58

Actually onebadbaby I agree with you about clothes, especially when they are little. Lots of clothes probably dont spoil the child, but a child who got every little thing they asked for would end up spoilt.

overmydeadbody · 12/03/2010 16:59

I agree with groundhogs, people need to be able to delay gratification, and we will not teach our children this very valuable ability if we buy them whatever they want whenever they want, just because we can.

fillybuster · 12/03/2010 17:10

OP, I sympathise with the desire to buy your DD stuff that you know she will enjoy but you do need to be careful. I know someone who goes on work trips regularly and whose children demand their gifts every time they get home.

Picture the following: exhausted mother, away for 1-3 nights, gets off plane and travels home. To be met by 5yo and 7yo not remotely excited about seeing her, or kissing her hello, or telling her what they've been up to at school, just 'hand over the loot, mum'. And then they disappear off to break play with the newest gadget. And over time its stopped being small presents and become some sort of weird test of whether she loves them enough to buy expensive stuff each time.

Now, I appreciate that's an extreme example, and obviously the rest of this person's parenting skills feed into the behaviour, but I think it does demonstrate what happens when dcs start expecting stuff and stop appreciating the novelty of new stuff because 'there's always more'.

So, yes, go ahead and indulge your dd randomly if you feel like it, but don't believe that you can do it all the time and it won't affect her behaviour or view of the world

amber1979 · 12/03/2010 17:48

It's almost cruel to not teach kids that material goods are not free and have to be worked for.

My parents were very, very strict on this (despite me being an only child) I only ever got new toys at Christmas and birthdays.

This has meant that I have savings instead of debts, which is the reverse of the vast majority of my friends.

My DP had a much more liberal upbrining and he finds being poor, very, very hard to deal with. To him, not being able to afford the latest gadget causes genuine unhappiness. I'm just as happy with a library book.

I am very grateful for my parents for this.

It's not called "spoiling" for nothing.

slightlystressed · 12/03/2010 18:08

YABU - I think you can spoil a child with too much material stuff. Some kids get almost anything they ask for, I think thats wrong.

I think kids can also be spoilt when they never lift a finger to help themselves or help round the house, my step brother for example never had to do ANYTHING at all. He was still having his bowl of cereal made for him when he was a teenager. He was incredibly spoilt.

lilyjen · 12/03/2010 19:14

Thankyou for all the messages, I think all of you are right tbh that's why i've not really done this before but I wanted to see what others think

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