To feel cross about...

[thecloudhopper]

This afternoon I worked in playgroup 1-1 with a child with Downs Syndrome he is wonderful and is 2.5 years but is more like a 12 to 18 month old, this child has been coming for approx 6 weeks for 2 2 and half hour sessions a week. The last three sessions he has found it hard to settle, I suspect that he has realised that mum has gone so cries a lot lot lot on and off for the session. Once he settles to something he is ok, anyway today he came in lovely big smiles etc. After regester he starts wailing and crying I get him settled with cars and I start to move away slowly.

Next I am asked by setting leader to make mothers day cards with him which I reply "Yes ok but if he will".
She replys "He has to make one you can't
leave his mum out if he won't you do it for him"
This is something I will not do so I agued back ad sais "But his mum doesnt want a card off me so I will do it with him now"

He screamed and cried but he stuck a vase and a flower onto the card.

I was cross then but managed to calm him a bit then all of a sudden we had huge tears and I was told
"Leave him alone and let him cry he has got to learn"
Reluctantly I left him screaming but everything in my head and heart said no no no this was wrong after 10 mins I could not hack it I picked him up and we went for a walk.

This did not calm him and it took 30mins plus to calm him down.
AIBU to think that leaving a child who was so upset, who needs such careful handeling and who is developmentally like a 12 month old to cry is terrible?

[saslou]

YANBU. I would not have let him cry either. Your boss sounds horrible and if my dc was at nursery I would much rather you were looking after my child than the setting leader

[rubyslippers]

i am

what does he have to learn by sobbing?

can you take your concerns to someone - i think you should

[GrimmaTheNome]

YANBU. I think your gut instincts are correct, and that you seem to know this little chap better than the leader.

[GibbonInARibbon]

I would absolutely have to say something to the manager.

Please don't say it was the manager who ordered this 'gotta show em who's boss' cruelty.

[MrsYamada]

YANBU, I'm glad you took him off for a walk. Your leader seems very unreasonable though. He should have been given time to settle in the first place and then moved onto the card. You are right that the mum doesn't really want a card from you, I'm sure she would be far happier with no card and a happy son or a card he made willingly. He's not going to learn anything by being left to cry, apart from maybe to hate pre-school. I think the mum needs to know what the leaders attitude is. Imagine if you hadn't been there to look out for him.

[GrimmaTheNome]

Maybe you need to rehearse some phrases you can use if this sort of thing happens again, e.g. 'sorry, but I don't think he's developmentally ready for that yet'

[JaneS]

Does your boss perhaps not realize that the child is more like a 12month old? You've been working much more closely with him, you'll know him much better than she does. Can you have a word with her before next session and say that you think he requires treatment appropriate to a much younger child?

[southeastastra]

what a cow, does she have any experience of working with sn children?

[thecloudhopper]

It was the setting leader who said it but I can go to her boss, it was bloody horrible and I nearly snapped compleatly.
I can go to the registered person wo ultimatly is responsible for th playgroup because I will not do that again .

[southeastastra]

although sn or not i wouldn't let a child sob like that whatever age

[thecloudhopper]

I have said 4 or 5 times to her to remember that he is only like a 12-18 month old and that we have to treat him like that.

[MrsYamada]

I think southeastastra makes a good point, it's not even just a SN issue, not very nice to leave any child to cry in that situation. I wonder how long she would have left him if you hadn't taken him off.

[shakingmyfattybumbum]

YANBU - does he have to go to the playgroup at all? It doesn't sound like he is emotionally ready for it. Poor little fellow

[FabIsDoingPrettyWell]

She is a cow and I would tell his mum.

[CirrhosisByTheSea]

Well done you cloudhopper - am sure that child's mum would be SO grateful that a lovely kind person like you was there to take care of her child.

I personally would go to the leader's boss, yes. It's a training issue at least - she clearly doesn't know what she's doing!

Are you the child's keyworker? If so I would be so tempted to tell the mother what happened!

[damnedchilblains]

I can't believe this. I sometimes may have left my own to cry it out but that's because I am their mum. As a childminder, I never ever left any child to cry "because they have to learn" or whatever other tosh she came out with. I am completely appalled. A child cannot learn like that, if they find it upsetting each time they come they will take longer and longer to settle.

[damnedchilblains]

Just to clarify before someone jumps on me, when i say cry it out I meant if they were having a tantrum or something of the like

[DiddleAndGruff]

OP you are the type of person we need working in these environments. Stick to your guns, I would be very reassured to leave my dc with you.

[lou031205]

DD1 has SN, and has 1:1 at preschool. There have been sessions when she has spent all morning sitting on her 1:1's knee because she was feeling vulnerable, etc.

You need to be clear that it is not acceptable to allow a small child, especially one with a developmental delay to cry inconsolably without support

[thisisyesterday]

that's awful i wouldn't let any child cry, SN or not!

does his mum know that he cries for a lot of the sessions anyway? becaue if it were me and my child was unhappy i wouldn';t want to leave them there at all!

[thecloudhopper]

The little boy in question does cry on and off in the session but his mum is very sensible and wants to stick with it as she knows that at least through half of the session he has a good time. He does settle eventually and enjoys himself.

Have decided to the following:
1 Go to her boss and explain the situation and tell her that I will not let him cry like that again.

1. Then I am going to tell her boss that I am absolutely not going to A make him do craft or B do it for him as professionally I don't believe in doing craft for them as it is not their own.

[CirrhosisByTheSea]

cloudhopper - I think what you plan is just right. Of course the crying issue is the main thing, but also re the craft thing, as a mum I would far, far rather my DS spent his time playing or doing whatever he wanted rather than being pressured to make me something, and much as I may like the nursery staff I wouldn't truly value a mother's day card done entirely by an adult!!!!

I think that boy is so lucky to have you, keep going, you are right!

[MrsYamada]

Good plan Cloudhopper. You never know, if he is happy and settled he might even join in the odd craft activity. I think you are right to go to her boss, it doesn't sound like she will listen to anyone else and you are going to keep coming up against her bad attitude otherwise.

[thecloudhopper]

UpDATE my setting leaders boss has been in to observe and told boss to leave me to look after my 1-1 and its me decition what he does/does not do etc.

[thecloudhopper]

**had told my boss