mean mother

[snowdon04]

I have a very mean mum. She at the moment has ganged the whole family up against me and now my entire family are ignoring me. It is not easy to explain, she does like a fight and it is my turn to be picked on. But i have refused to fight this time as i am bored with it. So i laid down my arms, but now she wont talk to me.
She has great power but is not using it kindly. She thinks i am in the wrong, over who knows what i did to start this attack. It is always a mystery what causes the start, she cant communicate well enough. 1 day everything is fine and the next you are in big trouble. I am tired and there are so many other things i would like to do than be drawn into battle. She is retired and has nothing else to occupy herself with. Does anyone else have a mean mother? Have you been pushed out of your family by her? I am the youngest and have always been pushed around. She likes to fight and be the boss. I am easy going and happy for people to be different and will avoid conflict where possible.
Help

[teaandcakeplease]

Can you ask another sibling what it is this time?

Do you think trying to sit down with your mum and explain how hurtful it is would help? Or would it completely back fire? Is she that nasty

[teaandcakeplease]

Probably not the best forum to put this into as it can get quite heated in the AIBU topic.

Maybe Relationships would have been a better place? I'm so sorry though, this sounds really stressful and not what you need.

[ASecretLemonadeDrinker]

My mum is like this - she has a thing with power and being able to control peoples actions and feelings. Sometimes she says things just to affect my emotions but it falls pretty much on deaf ears now. For example she blamed me when, after a scan, the femur was under the 3rd centile as she "knew breastfeeding would cause a calcium deficiency", and some other crap thrown in (she was a MW and health visitor light years ago and thinks she holds authority on well, everything) then when I said the cosultant said it was bollox (I knew it was, didn't even ask consultant), she said she knew it was and she knew it was fine, and she knew ladies who breastfed and were very thin who had massive babies etc. etc. One time I wouldn't answer the front door (she didn't know I was in) and she said she thinks she will have to phone social services (??!) Try your best to let it wash over you - I know it's hard, my mum really gets to me sometimes.

[MayfairMummy]

My MIL is very similar to her family. I've gotten to a point where I really don't care what she does/thinks of me... but it really hurts to see what she does to her son. Skip my vent and go to the end for how we deal with her!

She's had a good life; she married for money, hasn't worked since she was about 20, and has been given lots of things (like a 4 bedroom house!) by my DP. Yet, all she can do is tell everyone else how terrible he is as a son. DP's 3 brothers get told absolute bull*&^% about him, and all his other relatives similar. (She does this for all of her children, but DP gets it the worst, even though he is the one who looks after her the most).

She has been divorced for 20 years, and has never had another partner, and after several years, I've finally realised that she actually doesn't have friends, just people who don't want to stand up to her and tell her to go away (i couldn't figure out how some of her nice friends kept the friendship - i finally asked and discovered they just didn't want the confrontation and the MIL keeps calling/turning up).

Anyway, I think what's happening is that because she never has anyone say how 'great' she is (imagine not having a partner tell you they love you, and not having close friends who boost your ego just by enjoying spending time with you), what she does is makes up stuff so she can tell people, and because it sounds like her life is hard, they feel sorry for her and tell her how well she's coping.... and thus she gets her confidence boost; she just can't handle anyone else being 'more' than she is.... so she makes sure she has more problems than anyonen else (by fibbing), and thus noone else can 'beat' her. She's also inherently insecure, so has to always win arguments (will say 'god said so' and start chanting 'devil's be out' if she can't win); will deny she's said something if it goes against her five minutes later, etc, etc.

Solution? I actually think she might be getting dementia, but in the interim, whenever we see her, we basically take no notice of what she says, but agree with everything and give her lots of compliments, even if they're not true. It might be hard to do, but when I was pregnant, I realised that i was less worked up over just letting it wash over us than taking it to heart. As for the family, we know that they know she makes stuff up; we just don't understand why they believe it about us (DP in particular)... but reckon (sadly) that it's not possible to 'fight' her by trying to fix her fibs; she just lies to them again. If they ask us, we tell them the truth, if they don't ask, we have to just accept that maybe they aren't the best family you could ask for, but they're still family.

If your mum is anything like my MIL, she only gets 'against' one family member at a time (i think it reflects badly on her if she's seen to be fighting more than one person). Perhaps if you're included back in the circle again at some point you could have a discussion with the rest of your family and explain that next time you don't want to fight, and perhaps they could consider that there is another point of view than just your mother's.

Best of luck.

[snowdon04]

Sitting down and talking would totally back fire. I cant ask my siblings as they have ganged up on me too. She wont reply to my emails if i say i will not fight, but i know if i fight back she will reply to that. I cant see my father as he is disabled and she is his carer. So she has cut me off from him also. This is a bit cruel as he does not get to see me and that is not his choice or mine. It is a mess and she is a bully.

[teaandcakeplease]

I'm so sorry. I'm not sure what to suggest then. Hopefully some other mumsnetter will come along soon and encourage you.

Maybe you could have some counseling just to help you deal with this? Someone to share your feelings with in a safe environment, as this must be so hard

[snowdon04]

Thanks, think i will just let sleeping dogs lie. I will fill the space my family consumed with other things, good friends.