to wonder if depression makes you incapeable of having a relationship?

[amber1979]

I'm wondering if people who are seriously derpressed are capeable of this at all? Given that the capacity for empathy is totally over shadowed (quite understandably) by the pain of the illness they are suffering. This can mean that no real interaction is possible as the depressed person cannot really hear anything other than their own pain.

AIBU to think that as a partner of a depressed person, the relationship you have will always be one sided?

[TheSugarPlumFairy]

a couple of years ago my husband went through a depressive episode and yes it was like being married to a brick wall. I got nothing back from him emotionally until his depression was under control.

It was very hard and after I while I felt like i had compassion fatigue. You cant continue to pour your heart and soul into a relationship and not get anything back from it. It is ok for a while, you know they are depressed and need your support and you freely and lovingly give it to them but after a while it wears on you and you can start to resent it.

i dont think it always has to be that way though. With proper treatment my DH bounced back and our relationship is strong.

[FabIsDoingPrettyWell]

YABU

I have had depression for years but I am still able to love my husband and children and have a good marriage. There are just extra difficulties at times.

[MillyR]

I don't think capacity for empathy is overshadowed by depression in all cases. Some people's depression is linked to their empathy - it is feeling empathetic to suffering they see around them that feeds the depression.

If you add together all the people who have mental health issues, addictions, disabilities, learning difficulties and other special needs, there really aren't that many 'normal' people left in the world. There can't be many relationships that don't involve one or both people requiring extra support of some kind.

[bruffin]

YABU DH has suffered from anxiety/depression since he was a child, and we have just had another bout to get through, but thankfully shortlived and the medication is working.

If he was by himself I can imagine that he would go downhill very fast, but as I am there I can nip it in the bud and get him help before he gets to that position.

We have been together 22 years and have a very strong relationship.

[Headbanger]

YAB a bit U, though I entirely understand why. I've had two bouts of clinical depression, both of which were unpleasant - but then, bouts of any illness are unpleasant, for both partners. I also have a relation who has long-term bipolar disorder. Again, there are perhaps particular challenges in her relationship that perhaps may not be a problem for others, but she certainly doesn't lack empathy or affection.

also - you have no way of knowing whether the relationship would be one-sided even without the factor of depression.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

It depends.

(D)H has been depressed for 3 years. I have given and he has taken. And it has been soul-destroying.

His world revolves around him and my world was revolving around him. Which is why (having set up a support network and with no other choice in the face of worsening emotional abuse) he moved out a few weeks ago.

3 years with no support is hellish. Having to constantly be there with no right to your own feelings is hellish.

Some depressives think of others, some don't.

It is a selfish illness.

Had H done everything in his power to get better then maybe I would have stayed in the void forever. But he didn't.

So now I have no support, but I don't have to constantly give either. I'm starting to find my way back to being the centre of my own Universe. But it's hard when your thoughts have revolved around someone else for so long.

Ramble over.

[fernie3]

I have been on both sides, I have had episodes of depression in the past and my husband has had depression more recently.
In my opinion YANBU when it was me who was suffering I though I was doing a great job in carrying on as normal hiding it form my children and husband or at the very least still carrying on a relationship with them. When I saw my husband doing the exact same things a few years later and also believing that the relationship was good and hadnt changed I realized that I had been lying to myself the whole time.

Depression is really hard to go through but it is equally hard to watch your partner go through, relationships do change and while the depression is at its worst I think you are right you are not capable of a normal relationship - at least this has been my experience.

[amber1979]

Hmmm.. I suppose depression doesn't affect any two people in exactly the same way.