To think dp should stop smoking??

[EasyEggs]

Ok so yes I probably am given it's his body his choice etc etc but here's the story...

Dp has always smoked, so wasn't a new thing I didn't know about. I am a social smoker as in if I go out for the night and have a few drinks I'll have a few ciggies too but as we don't ever go out I haven't smoked for ages!

Dp earns the money I am a SAHM. He says it's his only pleasure in life, basically he was young free and single before I met him and I have 2 dc's from previous relationship. So everything he was used to doing like going out whenever he wanted, buying nice things, going fishing for whole weekends, all pretty much went out the window when he moved in and we had 3 dc's together. When he isn't working he is here helping, for which I am very grateful

But we still never seem to have enough money, we both get fed up of him having to do a lot of overtime which results in him being away a lot and me being here with 5 LO's alone. He suggested maybe getting a second job as in a work from home so e could cut OT and be here at least in the evenings.

So we were trying to think of ways to cut back. I suggested he stop smoking as that costs about £30pw. So over £100 a month would be saved.

He said I am trying to bully him into giving up his only pleasure left that he has for himself.

So would it be ok then for me to go buy an expensive handbag each month and just ignoring the bills that need paying.

So AIBU or not???

[SpicedGerkin]

[nickytwotimes]

If you are short of cash, then no, yanbu.
I am an ex-smoker, btw, if that tells you where I am coming from.
Tell him if he gets to waste 30 quid a week, then you should get the equivalent for the frivolity of your choice.

[BettyTurnip]

YANBU to think he should give up, however...

Watching with interest as I really want DH to stop smoking for health and financial reasons (approximately double your financial reasons ). However, IME the more you go on about it, the less likely he is to stop.

Sorry, not very helpful I know.

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

YABVU, I am a smoker though

[EasyEggs]

We are short of cash, every month. I suggested the handbag thing to him and his reply...."I've never stopped you buying yourself anything, infact I encourage it"....

Yes but then we'd be wasting double the amount every month

Think he is missing the point?

[EasyEggs]

Should add he has a less than healthy lifestyle so money isn't the only reason I want him to stop.

He also gave up for 8m whilst I was pregnant with our first dd but he started again after I had her.

[minipie]

you're short of money... you have DCs... he spends £30 a week on something that is bad for him and for the rest of the family...

no YAdefinitelyNBU to suggest he tries to quit.

[GypsyMoth]

he's selfish

yanbu

[LaurieFairyCake]

He supports you and 5 children by working really hard. He already can't increase the money he earns as he's working all the hours he can.

I think him spending £30 a week on himself sounds fair. Do you have any option to make some money - are your older children from your other relationship left home?

If you increase your earnings a little then you can both afford to spend 30 quid a week on yourselves.

[EasyEggs]

I don't begrudge him having some money to himself but when it's something that affects his health I do feel like he shouldn't.

He had long weekend away with friends last Aug and I have told him to go again this year when he can get time off etc so it's not like I don't want him doing anything he likes!

My eldest ds is only 8yrs, youngest 3m so me getting a job is not very likely for the forseeable future

[BettyTurnip]

EasyEggs - our DHs could be the same bloke. My smoker FIL (who was already dead when I met DH) suffered the first of three increasingly debilitating strokes in his mid 50s and died in his mid 60s.)

I worry myself sick sometimes that history will repeat itself. What makes it worse is that we have had our children later in life, and if DH goes the same way as his own dad then our three dc could face losing their father before they reach their 20s .

AND he spends about £250 per month on the bloody things (and I speak as a very occasional social smoker who would happily give up with him in solidarity).

[slightlystressed]

How about a comprimise? What about asking him to cut down to £20 worth of fags a week with an aim of going down to £10.

He sounds like a pretty decent DH in all other respects so its not worth going to war over.

I cut down slowly till I was smoking about 3 fags a day then got preggars and gave up completely.

[olderandwider]

Well if it's your DH's only pleasure, he needs to find a healthier substitute. I think it would be fair to tell him to stop smoking and spend the money on a gym membership, then it makes it not about the money but about health.

Also, your being a social smoker will just make him think you actually don't really disapprove that much anyway. Mixed messages at the least.

Smoking is likely to kill him or shorten his life (but I'm sure he knows that anyway). My own DH smoked for 20 years, then gave up with the help of the late, great Alan Carr. It worked for DH and he was a 40 a day man sometime. Thing is, you husband needs to want to give up. Nagging him about the money will just stress him and make him want to smoke even more. So try the positive approach - find a new pleasure that will cost the same, and if you still need extra cash consider the extra job.
Oh, and, of course, it's really bad for DC to see their parents smoke. End of sermon.

[GypsyMoth]

dont go thinking because he 'works hard for you all@ that he's entitled to disregard the financial aspect to this.....he's selfish.....you are the one at home looking after his kids!!!

[EasyEggs]

Betty that is a LOT of cigarettes. No wonder you are worried. With his Dads history though I'd have thought he would be worried himself?? Men, gah.

I say the same to dp but he thinks he is invincible Although I have no idea about his parents health as he doesn't know them.

Slightly that's a great suggestion, thank you. Also agree he is a pretty good catch in everything else so I won't go on about it (too much )

[Ivykaty44]

he is addicted to smoking -it isn't a case of just stopping it is a habit which is expesnive and dangerous but it is not easy to stop and you are critising him and that is what is hurting him

you are right though - but no for the money but his health

[EasyEggs]

Older - I suggested we both join the gym (5 kids have taken their toll ) But as he says, we just don't get the time for anything like that, not even just for himself, work comes into play again.

Totally agree about the mixed signals too so I shall refrain from the smoking if we do ever go out again.

Must add he smokes outside away from the house and doesn't come near children after, so they very rarely see him smoke, on the odd occasion ds has seen him he has moaned at him about it and called him smelly haha!

I shall have to get thinking of some new hobby he can do that will fit in.

Thank you everyone

[BettyTurnip]

EasyEggs - my DH just buries his head in the sand about the risks. It's very frustrating. He's just utterly hooked, a hardened smoker who's been at it since his early teens (30yrs plus). He tried to stop when I found out I was pregnant with dd1...lasted about 36hrs!

Good luck with your dp, let us know how you get on with the suggestion of cutting down.

[expatinscotland]

Get a job so you don't have so much time to bitch about this.

I'm an ex-smoker.

My DH is a smoker. I knew that when I married him. Yes, I know it's bad for him and all that, but well, I knew that when I married him.

He switched to rolling baccy he gets off Eastern European colleagues for half the cost.

That's the compromise.

Suggest that to him.

Otherwise, you are being unreasonable.

[BettyTurnip]

OP has a 3m old.

[expatinscotland]

Yes, and? He works all he can and they still can't make ends meet. She knew he smoked when she got together with him. So, since he can't make more money, she could try making money.

Avon, Usborne, Kleneeze, Phoenix trading, babysitting, etc.

All ways to make money.

[southeastastra]

i quit last year, to be honest the timing was right. i bet he's the same. you just cannot force someone to quit - or nag them to.

[expatinscotland]

I went back to work when DD1 was 2 months and DD2 was 4 months because we needed money.

Plenty of people do.

[SpicedGerkin]

Expat makes a very good point.

Unless he was a non smoker when you met him or met him before we discovered smoking was bad for you.

[EasyEggs]

Whilst I do agree with Expat in that I knew he smoked at the beginning, it wasn't just my idea to have an extra 3 dc's so I think it's unfair that if we need extra money I sould have to get a job right now.

I don't drive, live in small village, have 5dc's, 2 of which are at primary school, dd at nursery 2 mornings a week and another 2 babies, one exclusively BF.

I don't have the time or means to get a "real" job as some would say.