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in thinking that there should be a "what not to do" Book for MIL's?

(227 Posts)
Kitkatqueen Tue 16-Feb-10 23:54:26

Ok, so there have been quite a few MIL aibu's lately including the 1st Haircut another memorable one for me was the MIL who gave her grandchild his 1st food while his mum had popped to the shops. Oh!! and the MIL who wanted to "suckle" her grandchild so that she could bond with them.....

Upset was caused, trust was lost, so what is the "line"? what shouldn't MIL's do?

I'm hoping that one day I will be a MIL 4 times over and I would hate to think that I had caused so much upset. So...
What have your MIL's done that they shouldn't iyvho? wink

gigglewitch Tue 16-Feb-10 23:55:17

hehe - maybe that should be the next MN Guide wink

MillyR Tue 16-Feb-10 23:58:07

I don't think my GIL should have come to the hospital, picked up my PFB and said, 'let's give you to your Mummy for a cuddle' as she passed him to my MIL.

I'm just a brood mare, obviously.

Kitkatqueen Tue 16-Feb-10 23:59:31

Thats exactly what I was thinking ..wink

The Difference is that this one would REALLY sell, - all those Daughters in law who don't want the shock of a pudding bowl haircut and a fruitshoot on collecting the dc's!! grin

Kitkatqueen Wed 17-Feb-10 00:00:33

oh sorry reply was to gigglewitch - thats shocking milly!

LackaDAISYcal Wed 17-Feb-10 00:07:07

bump this tomorrow for lots of responses please.....could be a classic in the making this one!

MILs under no circunstances send your graqndchild back home having ironed the (unironed but by no means crumpled) clothes that your DIL sent with him for the day...having not actually used them but rather dressed him in the clothes that you have bought to dress him in whilst under your roof.

DIL might feel a wee bit inadequate.

seeker Wed 17-Feb-10 00:08:02

More important I think is a guide to how to be a DIL. Starting with remembering that your dp is still a member of his family of origin even if he is committed to you. And he doesn't have to prove that commitment by detaching himself from his mother.

Oh, and it's also important to remember that people do things different ways and there are lots of right ways to do anything.

SnotBaby Wed 17-Feb-10 00:11:07

<applauds Seeker>

LackaDAISYcal Wed 17-Feb-10 00:15:41

but seeker, it is hard to remember that when according to your MIL there are only two ways of doing something.....her way and the wrong way!

BadPoet Wed 17-Feb-10 00:20:04

Should I ever be a MIl and lucky enough to have dgc's, I'd like to think that I wouldn't:

a)spend the whole of visiting time telling DIL about every illness and medical problem my own children ever had. While her 2-day old PFB is in SCBU.

b) think paraffin is a suitable gift for a woman who's just had a baby.

gigglewitch Wed 17-Feb-10 00:58:15

I reckon the book should come with a money-off voucher for (no, not Boden) here or similar...

seeker Wed 17-Feb-10 01:00:34

But it's usually dil's on here going on about my baby my rules as if it's their way that is the only true path!

gigglewitch Wed 17-Feb-10 01:16:40

Joking aside, I think you've got a good point, though seeker. The thing that some people manage to forget is that communication is a two way process and relationships of any kind take loads of it. They're great at talking but not at listening, judging without finding out what the reasons were. Yes, my MIL has stuff for the dc to wear at her house - but as half the time I forget to send stuff for them to change into after school, to wear for playing out, then I'm bloomin' glad she has! And yes, she sends them back with a jumper washed or something ironed, and I'm flippin glad of it, because I'm a working mum with three dc as she was when DH was young, and she knows how hard it is to fit everything in.

Tee2072 Wed 17-Feb-10 05:53:31

While I agree with Seeker to some extent, there is also things like what Milly experienced.

So I think the number one piece of advice I'd like to remember if I am a MIL some day is the grandchild is not your child. Feel free to make suggestions from your experience but remember that they may be ignored.

Badpoet my MIL started to do the same thing when my son was in SCBU. I lost it on her and said 'can you tell me later so I can get back to my baby?!?!' Only 2 visitors per incubator and I was willing to let her and FIL and see him, but to not waste time by standing around the family room telling me horror stories from when my SIL had an infection at 2 weeks old, ffs.

JaneS Wed 17-Feb-10 09:14:15

Ok, just guessing because while I don't have the kids, I have kid-based advice coming out of my ears from my mum and am amused/shocked by her own struggles with in-laws:

MIL - should lie through her teeth, if need be, about how lovely you are as a mummy and how all babies cry/scream/puke like that.

DIL - should lie through her teeth, if need be, about how wonderful her MIL's advice is and what a lovely job she did on her DH. Oh, and how much the children enjoy being taken out by her so DIL gets to stay home in peace.

(Alternatively, be like my DP's mum: don't speak much English, and thoroughly approve of everything from a distance!)

newpup Wed 17-Feb-10 09:24:29

Be so obviously desperate to see the dgcs without dil being present!

Pick up newborn and walk out the house and over the road to show baby to neighbours without a by your leave!

Remember that when a couple have a new baby they want time to themselves with the baby. They do not want you calling in unannounced for hours whilst not even offering to make a cup of tea and they do not want you to be constantly picking up the baby when it is sleeping!!

They also do not want you phoning every hour to ask if the baby is sleeping - go away and leave them in peace because by the time the baby is 3 you will have other dgc and have lost interest!

oooooh nice vent! grin

Kitkatqueen Wed 17-Feb-10 09:25:51

Ok what about do's and don'ts for both sides then? Lack of communication and assumption seems definatley to be the key to some of the posts that people have aibu 'ed lately and I agree its not all the mils fault, it takes 2 after all....

Trouble is that my own mil is so damn lovely I'm not getting to experience the problems and will probably make every mistake in the book when its my turn!

Kitkatqueen Wed 17-Feb-10 09:27:24

newpup grin

Coldhands Wed 17-Feb-10 09:30:12

Ok, my MIL is not that bad, but there are a few things that grate.

Please don't ask constantly if they are sleeping through the night/weaning/potty training etc etc, and when you say not yet, mention (yet again) how your DS (my DH) did everything 'on time'?

Also, please don't say, on the very rare occasion when you see DS, "Oh we haven't seen xxxxx for ages" when you only live up the road, are free all day and never ask to see him even though you know DIL has a long term and permanent illness.

When we are over your house, rare, please take the safety of my DS seriously and if I shut the kitchen door to stop him getting in the cupboards, please don't leave it open again, then sit on the sofa and let him wander off in the kitchen saying "he is ok", I have seen the bottle of asprin on the table well within reach, and yes while the top is child proof, there could be that one chance that FIL with the very shakey hands did not do it up properly.

That one time when you had DS in the car with the straps that were not done up properly (and my PFB was weeks old and I was already a bit hmm about letting him go), I would like you to show that you were actually sorry about not doing the straps up properly instead of saying "oh well, we can't be expected to remember everything".

Just a few minor tips for this great book that I would love to read!

WhoIsAsking Wed 17-Feb-10 09:30:33

FIL - Do not under any circumstances say "Well, MIL, is such a maternal woman, not like you at all"

MIL - Do not under any circumstances say "Well, you would be having problems with DS2 and not DS1; that's because I looked after DS1 while you worked"

DandyLioness Wed 17-Feb-10 09:36:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImSoNotTelling Wed 17-Feb-10 09:38:28

<sharp intake of breath at whoisasking's MIls comments>

WinkyWinkola Wed 17-Feb-10 09:41:29

Just keep your mouth shut unless your advice/opinion is asked. Or unless you've got something beautiful and kind to say.

Remember, it's not your baby. It might be your grandchild but it is not your baby. You are not responsible for that child so you have no decision making role for that child.

Coldhands Wed 17-Feb-10 09:42:25

WhoIsAsking, what lovely ILs you have!

Start sentences with "You must ..."
Feel free to make suggestions but I draw the line at accepting orders.

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