To monitor exH's visits with theboys?

[turtle23]

We split a few months ago, we have 2 DSs 22 months and 13 weeks. At the moment he is living with a friend in a great big house..the kind with "grounds" rather than a garden.

He asked that I bring the boys to see him yesterday as opposed to the usual round mine. He thought DS1 would like to run around outside there. I voiced concerns that if we were to be inside at all there are big enthusiastic dogs that aren't used to kids, MANY breakable things and stone floors, there have to be fires on to keep it warm this time of year, owner is a 50 yr old bachelor so just unchild-friendly in every way. Ex said he would be in charge of DS1 and not to worry.

Needless to say, they ended up inside. DS2 is feeding for England at the mo so I asked again that he keep a close eye. In 45 minutes I found DS1 with hands in toilet and no daddy in sight, heard a crash and bottle of gin all over floor...again no daddy, add to that gouged by hedge when he ran out the door(he didn't think he knew about doorknobs...) and pouring juice on antique carpet. Which is when I just took them home.

If this is how lax he is at someone else's home the boys dont stand a chance when he gets his own place. I know he needs to learn that toddlers need watching, but this isn't the first time.

[ilovemydogandmrobama]

Contact Center. Really.

You can refer yourself.

[turtle23]

Didn't know they existed. Thanks!

[ilovemydogandmrobama]

national contact centers

[GypsyMoth]

contact centre?? bit ott surely?

ok,bit of damage....but the damage is the ex's responsibility,where was he when hands were down the toilet?

had he gone off to sit on his computer/play chess/chase the parlour maid??

maybe suggest things to him....sounds like he is fairly new to parenthood...a safe room,with toys etc. weather is getting nicer soon so a few trips out...i know he's your ex,but destroying his confidence and shoving them in a contact centre (they are grim places)is that really the best option??

[kinnies]

Grim yes but if Ex cant be trusted to keep the Dc safe then he does need supervision.
Dosent sound like he even tried.

[ilovemydogandmrobama]

It depends. A contact center is a great alternative when the resident parent has legitimate concerns about a child's safety with the other option being no contact.

Some people visit a contact center a few times, and some for longer periods.

[GypsyMoth]

yes,contact centres arent designrd to be long term....so then you're back to square one. and if he took this to court then the view would be supervised then move on to unsupervised...

parenting course?

[turtle23]

He was either on the phone(MOBILE, aren't they?) or watching tv. I have tried talking to him. I have made suggestions. I have made lists. All I get is "Don't tell me how to be a father" or "Oh, he was fine..."

[twotimes]

You sound like you have legitimate concerns, I would monitor but not get authorities involved yet. Just make sure you're there. fact

However, he may not have done anything because you were there, so just kind of left it up to you. Maybe he resented that you were there? As someone else said, it's getting warmer so how about suggesting the park. I wouldn't criticize because sometimes men need their ego stroking, try subtle suggestions although it does sound like you have been.

I really do think it's a bit soon for contact centres, especially if you are going to be there anyway, that might just antagonise an already delicate situation.

[turtle23]

I offered to leave. He wanted me to stay. I sat in the kitchen most of the time while they were elsewhere. I shouldn't even have seen DS1 as he was meant to be in another wing. That is what concerns me. These are the things that I SAW...who knows what else he got into/up to.
I wont be suggesting contact centre just yet. I just resent having towatch him watch the kids. It's supposed to be a little bit of a break for me as well. (His words)

Usually he has them round here and I disappear or he takes DS1 to playgroup/park. But he will be getting his own place soon and it worries me that he will just let him run riot and hurt himself. Or leave the two of them together and have DS2be loved to death by DS1. That kind of thing.

[MadameCastafiore]

I think maybe you should het him look after his children alone for a short while and let him amke a few mistakes - there isn't much a kid can do that will cause it serious harm - obviously other then knives and high falls - but maybe he needs the responsibility fo you not being there.

[turtle23]

Really? There isn't much a kid can do? Perhaps you should meet DS. Would you leave a 22 month old alone for 15 minutes?
I have let him do it alone. This is why I worry.

[GypsyMoth]

They are his kids though, and if you were still together he would still have them alone. The children don't belong to you, it's up to him how he looks after them in his time...he might also have issues with your style too.

[turtle23]

It isn't up to him if they are not safe.

[MyNameIsInigoMontoya]

Well, broken glass bottles (of alcohol!) and being able to run out of the house unnoticed (and possibly onto roads) DOES sound like potential for serious harm to me! So YANBU to insist on monitored visits, or at least until you/someone has been able to teach him a bit more toddler safety and you are confident he has taken it in.

[GypsyMoth]

What would happen if one of them had an accident whilst in your care then?

[turtle23]

An accident when you are being careful is one thing. An accident when you are negligent is preventable.

[twotimes]

I agree with your last statement turtle, and actually on second reading I think you are in a bit of a catch 22 situation. if you suggest ways to child-proof his house he may take it as a criticism, but if you don't and he does nothing about it and dc's hurt themselves you're only going to blame yourself.

Maybe you should tell him his friend's house is not suitable and wait until he get's his new house. then you can see whether or not it is child-friendly.

Does sound very irresponsible though

[turtle23]

We have agreed that it is not a safe place to be. He has agreed to be here or at a child-oriented place from now on until he gets a place. I know it is a thin line betweenbeing bossy/controlling/do it my way and being protective of their safety. Believe me...I am soooo waiting for the day he does parenting in any way he chooses!

[porcamiseria]

give him a chance, please. contact centre sounds grim.

write a clear lists of safety rules/dos and donts for toddlers, then request some time to discuss. they are very young, so make sure you express concerns but try not to get all legal and nasty on him

[twotimes]

That's good news turtle sounds really positive x

[GypsyMoth]

if he ended up taking you to court for access he would not have to either let you in his new home to view the place children would be staying in,or listen to any rules etc regards safety,parenting or any other thing.....he would get access.....you would have no say....so be very,very carefull about what you impose on him.

[Ewe]

I don't think a grown man needs Mumsnet to make excuses for him, he's an intelligent guy, he is just being lazy by the sounds of it. It's not that he doesn't know the right thing to do.

At least now he has agreed to have boys at yours/park. When he moves, he'll have to learn the lesson the hard way, DS will wreck his stuff and then he'll realise he has to move it. I imagine when you're not around he'll be more attentive, you're his safety net if you are there. Thinking making a basic list could be a good idea but will probably piss him off.

Perhaps teach DS to bring gin to Mummy and me instead of smashing it in future?

[GypsyMoth]

my thoughts too Ewe!