Playdates and leaving LOs

[minkulus]

My DD is in a very small class at school and is (thankfully) friendly with all the children. She has been invited to one little girl's house for tea quite a few times and has had a really lovely time. The Mum is a very kind, generous host but has made it quite obvious she does not want to get to know me ie. the kids are friends but we won't be! Not in a horrible way just that we are quite far apart socially.
The problem I have is that I really should reciprocate the invites, but I am worried she (the mother) will look down her nose at my home etc when she comes to pick up.....AIBU and should I just bite the bullet? Also she has offered to take my DD out for the day this week with her LO and I am not invited wwyd?

[ktbeau]

How old is your DD? Sounds a bit strange IMHO

[sugartits]

Are you sure she feels this and your not making assumptions?

[wonderingwondering]

If she's at school, then I don't see the problem with her spending a couple of hours at a friend's house without you. The mum may be busy/working/tired, and the hour that her daughter is occupied with your DD gives her a chance to catch up with things, rather than chat to someone she doesn't really know.

And who cares if anyone looks down their nose at your home? I very much doubt she would (your description of her is 'kind and generous' so I doubt she'd be sneering at the state of your home). And if she did, she's probably the sort to sneer without having seen someone's home!

If your DD isn't old enough to look out for herself a bit (8?) I'd be more wary of a day out with a mother I didn't know, though.

[minkulus]

My LO is 4.5.
I don't know if the mum feels like this, I guess just that she doesn't ever invite me in for a cup of tea, chat etc (as I would and do when my DD has playdates with other kids), makes me feel a bit of a spare part.
KTBeau - what makes you think this is strange? the only reason I ask is because I have been thinking its a bit odd, but its what we used to do when we were kids IYSWIM...ie Mum dropped us off and came back later after tea,

[Heifer]

I guess she thinks the playdate is for her DD and not herself.

I can understand this, some mums you really click with and I would invite them in when they picked up their DD and some mums I just don't really want to be friends with, no particular reason, wouldn't be rude, but just wouldn't actively seek their friendship.

I wouldn't worry that she will look down her nnose at you. She has obviously already ddecided your DD is a nice child (who invites cchildren that they don't approve of at 4) and you say she has invited your DD a few times, she has obviously behaved and good friends with her DD. So she has already done her judging

I do think you should reciprocate, stop worrying and let the children enjoy their friendship.

[coldtits]

if she looked down her nose at you, she wouldn't like your daughter going to her house. Invite her daughter back to yours. The mum is probably just a bit antisocial.

[fillybuster]

My ds is also 4.5 and in Reception. I don't generally invite the other mothers in for a cup of tea when they collect their dcs from a playdate - I'm busy, they're busy, it's a collection.

If I have to wait for ds to get his shoes/coat on then I would expect to be invited inside to do so, but that's about it. I usually have dd with me, or in the car, and most of my ds' friends have got siblings too.

So I think this may have more to do with your expectations (and maybe how much free time you have) than this woman being unfriendly. I'm not 'unfriendly' and don't look down on any of the other parents in my ds' class (hell, most earn more than me anyway!) but I am a busy, ft working mum with more than one child and a full social and family life to juggle.

I think you should get over your own insecurities (which is all this really is, if you're honest with yourself) and invite the other child back for playdates. Just don't expect the mum to become your new bf and you won't be disappointed.

As for the day out, well...that depends on your dd. Does she want to go? I think its awfully generous to offer to take someone else's dd out for a whole day!

[muggglewump]

Perhaps the Mum is just wanting to forge a social life for her daughter, but has a busy life herself and doesn't feel she can add to it now.

From what you have said, I'd jump at the chance to send DD, it sounds great.

Not all people want to be your friend, but that doesn't make them awful.

[TheFallenMadonna]

Does she have older children? I can't really remember what I did with DS, but with DD it didn't really occur to me that when a child came to play, their parent did too - not once she'd started school.

[ktbeau]

I would personally be a bit wary of someone I didn't know taking one of my dc out for the day. But mine are a bit younger, from other posters it sounds like this is quite normal at your dd's age.

[Runoutofideas]

My dd is in reception too, and is only just getting to grips with going to other people's houses without me. She has a lovely little friend at school though and I have had her back to our house twice, both times really successfully and it helps my shy dd at school. It has not yet been reciprocal because the other family have personal issues at the moment and have just moved house so understandably they have a lot going on...

Only saying all this really as it sounds as though the other mother likes your dd as her dd's friend and is just encouraging the friendship. She probably hasn't thought twice about how you feel about her, as being friends with you is not her objective. I doubt very much that she'd look down her nose though, as she is obviously happy to spend time with your dd.

[Morloth]

I only invite in mums I am already friends with after playdates. If it is just the kids who are friends we do the pick up at the door (and the same when DS goes on playdates).

If you want to be her friend you might need to extend the invite to her a bit more obviously, like try and do a lunch/invite them both for dinner etc.

[minkulus]

Thank you all for your replies. I realise from reading your opinions I sound a bit dopey! Sorry for that, I just wasn't sure what is normal as she is my only child (PFB anyone?!!) As for the other Mum, I didn't mean to imply she is horrible or a snob, its just she is VERY posh and I suppose i am a bit intimidated.
Time to get over myself....
Thanks again!

[SixtyFootDoll]

minkulus
play dates are for the children hun, not for you!!
I am sure DD's friend would love to come to you for tea.
I think I could be viewed as 'posh' at our school, but i certainly never judge people by where they live - as long as they are clean and treat their children well, thats all i jusge by!

[UndomesticHousewife]

It really doesn't mean anything, My dc's go to their friends house and they come here and I'm not invited (unless I know the mum very well but even then I'm not always invited in) and I don't invite them to my house when their children are here.

It's nothing against them at all they are lovely people but the playdates are for the children and she probably has a million things she wants to do when her dd is occupied and not under her feet.

Invite her dd back or then she'll think you're rude never having her child to yours!! But she'll not care about your house, she won't even notice it.

[UndomesticHousewife]

And as for not inviting you in when you collect, I would hate forthe mum to come in and have a cup of coffee when the child is supposed to be going home!!! It's probably quite late especially if they've had dinner etc and it's time to start thinking about bed.

It's just a collection not a social coffee meeting.
And anyway, as long as she's friendly enough and polite and treats your dd well there's no reason why you should be friends, just friendly enough iyswim.

She obviously likes your dd and probably you too so that's enough.

[emmyvic]

Maybe she comes across as frosty but doesn't mean to. Perhaps she isn't much of a mixer (which I can honestly say is the category I often fit into depending on my mood).

Perhaps you should invite her and her LO out with you and your DD to break the ice, maybe to a childs play zone or similar, where the children can play and you can have a coffee?

You never know, it may not be as bad as you think!

[Ripeberry]

When my daughter went to pre-school, she invited lots of friends over and I would collect my daughter and her friend for that day and we would have lunch and she would stay for 2hrs until the mum collected.
I never expected the mums to come for a cup of tea, mainly because I was doing them a favour in that they did not have to collect from pre-school and they could have an extra 2hrs to themselves before collecting the older children from school, so there was never any time anyway.