Feeling desperately worried about having to be default carer for my elderly and ill MIL...

[littletree]

Long story that I shall try to compact:

MIL is 80 and has Parkinson's. She lives 2 hours away from us. She divorced DH's father when he was a child. She has two children- DH and evil SIL. Evil SIL lives in same village as her but is usually swanning off on holiday with her wealthy partner and therefore not a reliable helper for MIL. She does help but not with any consistency. MIL lives on her own in a terraced house and has nice neighbours and another elderly friend that lives a couple of doors down. This arrangement has worked fine up until just recently when thre have been a couple of incidents when it was clear she was not ok on her own.

She is a very nice lady with a gentle nature but of course like all of us she has her faults. She can be nagging to DH and irritate the hell out of him and can hover and nitpick.

She also throughout our marriage has come to stay with us for extended periods of time which drives me bananas. She comes for a week to two weeks at a time totalling around 2 months of the year. I am fine with this for the first 3 days but after this I feel like I am going out of my skin! I can not stand having someone else in the house for that length of time. I feel suffocated and my smile starts to droop and I become a bit snappy.

2 years ago she was diagnosed with Renal cancer. She had her kidney removed and needed aftercare. Her crazy daughter was as usual off on another exotic trip (leaving her 3 small children to be looked after by the au pair) and my husband was working in Belgium only coming home on weekends. I was left to be her carer by default. At the time my ds' were 2 and 4. During this time my grandmother died and I couldn't leave to go to funeral because I had to stay and look after MIL and children. Felt sad and suffocated.

Fast forward 2 years ago to last weekend. MIL has a fall whilst shopping in London. Call from police telling us she was being rushed to hospital. DH went in and released her from hospital and brought her back to our house. Her face is a mess because she broke the fall with it- not breaking anything but badly cutting and bruising it. On Monday, DH had to go to Belgium ironically and I was on my own with MIL and 2 DS;. Had to take her to surgery to get Parkinson's meds (as she hadn't been expecting to stay with us and hadn't brought any), then back to nurse for dressing wounds, then off to pharmacy to get medication. At 4am that night she tapped on my door with horrendous nosebleed that wouldn't stop. Call ambulance. They can't stop it and whisk her away- also bp was in stroke range.

I got a real taster of what it would be like to have to care for her and I didn't like it. I feel angry with her because she had Parkinson's for around 15 years now and has known it won't get any better. And duh! When you have cancer and you're nearly 80, it is also a sign that thingsw might be going downhill. She has made no provisions for herself but instead expects everyone to tell her what to do- and believes it is her children's responsibility to look after her. I am afraid I disagree with this 100% because I believe we are all responsible for ourselves. Yes, people need support and help but she is of sound mind and like I said, it is not as if this has cropped up overnight.

DH and sister hate eachother so I am always acting as a go between and I hate it!

MIL has hinted that she would like to live adjacent to us in a granny flat but all I can see is my life being finished with running around doing things for her! I feel very suffocated as I write this. DH is 10 years older than me and my own mother is 20 years younger than MIL so I feel I am facing the 'What to do with Mother' question earlier than I should. I feel cross that I have to spend so much time having this woman in my house and caring for her because she's NOT MY MOTHER!

I am sorry there is so much more to the story and I realize I sound harsh but I feel really really stressed out by this and worry how it's going to pan out. It has really upset the equilibrium in our house with DH and I both not sleeping. AIBU?

[WinkyWinkola]

I don't blame you one bit for feeling as you do. It's not harsh to feel that way and well, whilst we want to take care of our parents, it's not always possible. I dread when my mil needs care - she's only 57 but I know that she'll be asking to move in with us sooner rather than later. It'll put a real strain on my marriage but I can't see her in a home.

Some people, like your mil and mine, have spent their lives being looked after and told what to do by other people. When it comes to being alone, they simply can't cope.

However, it sounds to me like your mil needs more help and care than you can actually offer. She's got cancer and Parkinson's and won't she need a professional nurse and palliative care that you can't provide?

I think your sil needs some strong words and it pointing out to her that she too could assist in taking care of her old mum.

But you cannot act as go between anymore regardless. Why should you? Behave as if it is none of your businesss. Why should you shoulder the burden just because your dh and his sister cannot be bothered to be civil to each other and work out a plan of care. They'll only realise that if you stop facilitating their not talking to each other.

This could be a very sticky situation with your mil ending up feeling very hurt when it's not your fault. Your dh and sil need to sort it out between them. And if they want you to do anything for mil, then they need to ask you very very very nicely because it's a massive favour you're doing.

[samsonthecat]

No YANBU. We had all this drama with my Grandma. My mother has told me repeatedly that she must go into a home if she can't look after herself. We are not to have her live with us as it is not fair on me, my brother or our families. I remember my Grandma staying with us once when she was unwell with shingles and she kept me awake at night and put a terrible strain on my mother. You need to look after your DC and put them first.

[Sassybeast]

So she should have planned for the fact that she fell and has blood pressure problems ?

I can understand 'some' of what you explain but I do think that you are being harsh yes. Whilst you shouldn't be resonsible for all of her care, surely being part of a family means sharing some of the responsibility for those who need help and are vulnerable ? Be that in a practical, emotional or financial sense ? Perhaps if she expects someone else to make decsions for her, you can approach the subject of supported/sheltered living accomodation ?

[coldtits]

Why hasw it fallen to youi? She's your husband's mother, he should take the brunt of her care.

And I disagree with you 100% that she should be responsible for herself. Her offspring should be caring for her or providing care in some way.

If you are not willing to provide care (and I can see why you aren't, it's a big burden to shoulder), and her offspring are not willing to provide care, you should call a social worker who will tell you what the next step is.

[MorrisZapp]

No YANBU at all. Why should women have to care for old folks they aren't related to, it seems like a hangover from sexist old days to me.

From what you've said, it sounds to me like your DH needs to take this issue in hand and address it. It doesn't really matter if he hates his sister or not, it's his elderly mother we're talking about here. Refuse to indulge any childish behaviour from either of them.

Just as your MIL should have made provision for her care earlier, your DH must have known that his mother would need care soon, and that it wouldn't be fair to leave that to you.

[LoveBeingAMummy]

I'm going to try and not sound bitchy and keep some of my thoughts to myself....here goes.....

Its not your responisbility, it is down to your dh and his sister to sort out how care is going to be managed from now on. She has obviously got to the point where she doesn't feel she can live on her own completely any more and has asked you for help. If you feel that you can't do this then yes you must say so, and then her children can make decisions.

I hope you are never in her position.

[mollythetortoise]

YANBU. I think WW's advice is spot on

[sb6699]

Whilst I am not suggesting you become her "primary" carer maybe, as Sassybeast said, sheltered accomodation might be a good compromise.

There will be a warden there if she needs help and if she got one near you it would just be a case of popping in and making sure all is okay and she has everything she needs so wouldnt take up too much of your day.

I find it rather sad butfrom your post it sounds as if her family seem to be thinking of her as a burden rather than their mother who is needing a bit of help in her old age

[sb6699]

Btw, I think its your dh and his sister's duty to sort out her care - not yours.

[bubblagirl]

you need to speak to gp and see if you can get some home carers in place who will come in daily to deal with her needs if they feel its too much to stay in the home they will suggest care home etc

but she sounds like she will qualify for help at home they will come in and do what needs to be done and come back in the evening to make sure settled for the night run errands etc this can be provided by the local council i believe gp can refer you or you can ask social services

then you wont have the brunt of it but will have just routine take some shopping have a chat etc and know she is in safe hands

[bubblagirl]

check here

[bubblagirl]

but i do feel for her i know it would be hard work for you and your not expected to do all the care but you can help provide care that is needed without resenting her for it she needs understanding right now and your duties as family would be to make sure she has someone at hand to help you clearly cannot do this alone but to seek out carers to come and help her would be a good start to show you care

[bubblagirl]

and if your sil earns enough for luxury hols then maybe the peace of mind for her would be to pay private carers to help to lesson her burden but it is sad when a parent becomes a hindrance when they are ill she seems well enough at moment to have support not full care from family

and when she deteriorates then bring in the carers to help maybe have a meeting with dh and sil and seek out what she is entitled to in ways of carers if not look private route

[kinnies]

YANBU
I dont blame you for feeling put upon.

Your Dh ans Sil have to sort out care for her.
You should not have to give up your freedom do care for her.
You sound like you do care about her and have done a good job so far, but now you have to put your foot down or your Dh ans Sil will carry on taking the piss.

I say this as somone who happily gives their Mil a break (usually a month at a time) from caring for her Mum (Dh's Nan) So I'm not anti old people at all.
Some people find it easier to look after old people than others. Dosnt make them saints, its just that we all have different strengths.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

YANBU - but I think you are being a bit of a doormat here. You are letting your DH and SIL abdicate their responsibilities.

You have to talk to your DH about it asap and make it clear that this is not the role you foresaw for yourself when you married him.

That's not to say that you might not have to make some compromises - after all, she is your family now - but I think it's ridiculous that you're expected to take on the whole burden of care. And it will be a big burden, given her health problems.

[agedknees]

YANBU. Your dh and your sil need to sort something out. Why has it been left to you to sort out?

[sweetnsour]

YANBU and I have every single sympathy for you. Unfortunately, no one has tackled the issue and someone must, now-ish - it may have to be you.

It's the responsibility of your DH and your SIL, not yours. They need to look at issues like home care, talking to MIL GP, getting social services involved (everyone has to do this sooner or later) and, possibly tactfully, care homes. Having a bit of spare cash helps at this point, but if she is badly off she may get a lot of help - meals on wheels - free. As it happens the law is going to change (2011/2013) so people get assisted living services free. Parkinsonians were specially mentioned in the announcement, as I recall.

I really wouldn't have her to live with you, partic as you don't want it. At the risk of being tasteless, if she's got Parkinson's she's bound to end up needing 24/7 in an institution anyway, so it would be only be an interim step - albeit one that could last a lot longer than you want.

[Sassybeast]

Sweetnsour - it's not inevitable that a person with Parkinsons will end up needing 24hr care - many people live at home with varying levels of support.

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

I understand that she should have put some provisions in place - Parkinsons does not get any better (quite the opposite in fact) so she would have known what would happen.

BUT

You can't change that now and neither can she. Is the alternative to just ignore her? Even if she were in a granny flat, once her Parkinsons progresses badly enough, I don't think that will be enough. She will need a live in carer, someone with her all the time. I have a relative with advanced Parkinsons and they can't even hold a cup of tea, let alone do anything for themselves so maybe you should adjust your expectations as to her care.

Regardless if whether you want her living with you or not, she needs someone to take care of her needs. You can't just pretend she doesn't exist and leave her ot rot, or just sit and hope SIL will get her act together.

She is family, no matter how annoying she is. And being annoying and overbearing is not a reason not to look after someone.

Unfortunately I think you just have to get over it, get on with it.

[StrictlyKatty]

YANBU. I personally would love my MIL to move it with me but she's only 54 and I adore her

If you are not willing to take on the massive burden you must not do it. You'll end up recenting her and your DH for it. Better to say now you can't do it IMO.

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

Sorry, that should have said,

should her parkinsons prgress, not once..it is not inevitable.

[mears]

Your DH needs to sort this out and he and his sister should be adult enough to discuss how this situation is going to be managed.

Your MIL needs social work support and guidance to the options that are available to her.

How frightened she must be to find herself in this situation.

Honesty is needed here and perhaps she could move into sheltered accomodation or remain in her own home with support.

Your DH and SIL has to help her find the solution to the extra care that she needs.

[Kathyjelly]

You have my sympathy. I've been through this with my mum. Ill, living hours away, sister (part time worker) in the same village who wouldn't even pop in for a cuppa.

You need to talk to your DH and get him to understand your fears. Next, he and his sister need to sit down with their mum and agree a plan.

Does your MIL have a house? If she wants to stay in her home look at a "hang round the neck" alarm service & see what pop-in-daily care is available in her area. Then maybe look at sheltered housing closer to your home. Would it be a better option so falls etc can be dealt with? Have a suggestion that you think you can live with ready before you start the conversation.

Above all, make it clear that you will not be your MIL's carer. You aren't being selfish, your marriage and children come first. On the contrary, you are being the responsible one, by forcing them all to address the problem. You might find they are all relieved you raised the topic.

Good luck