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AIBU?

to send a letter to someone who has really peed me off?

39 replies

carocaro · 26/01/2010 20:50

BLAH BLAH BLAH

This friend of my recently deceased Grandmother had a right go at me when she died in December.

She hardly knows me but spouted such presumed crap and ill judged nonsense at me, it still riles and upsets me.

She has sort of said sorry via someone else but not to me. She sat having a cup of tea with my brother like the sun shines out of his arse yet he did nothing for my Grandmother in the last year and I did lots.

Why should I just lie down and take this crap? I am not a doormat and what gives anyone the right to treat someone like that?

I don't get take the higher ground/turn the other cheek business, it just lets other get away with being mean and vile.

So I have written her a letter, not nastly, just telling her what I think and feel.

Do you agree or not?

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notanumber · 26/01/2010 21:09

Carocaro it sort of depends exactly what she said, to be honest.

You've said she's "mean" and "vile", and that she's "spouted presumed crap and ill-judged nonsense" but until we know exactly what that is it's very hard to judge. We only have your word for it that she was not correct iyswim.

However, on the scanty information you have given, I would just say that she is an elderly lady. I'd think carefully before sending her an angry letter.

Also, given that she was "a friend of your grandmother" and not actually a relative of yours, will you ever need to see her again? Why not just let it go and move on rather than starting a fued with an old lady you need never have contact with again.

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overmydeadbody · 26/01/2010 21:11

What will writing a letter acheive? Although it is cathartic for you, sending it is pointless.

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Hassled · 26/01/2010 21:13

There's a difference between turning the other cheek/being a doormat and picking your battles. Write the letter if it will make you feel better - just don't necessarily post it. Would your grandmother have wanted you to do this? Do you need to see her again?

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MadamDeathstare · 26/01/2010 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carocaro · 27/01/2010 10:55

I don't need to see her again no.

She's not an old lady, she's 65, hard as nails, think Pat Butcher/Vera Duckworth.

I get what you say about what the letter will achieve, nothing other than my point of view. I doubt I will get a response but I don't care about that.

She's happy enough to dole it out, she should be able to take it.

But thinking of the bigger picture and about life in general, what does it say about me (us) if I(we) let people shit on me and keep silent? I teach my kids to have a voice that can be heard, so I need to follow through.

From the smallest squabble to countries with dictators, it's the same thing. You have to stand up for yourself and what you beleive in.

I am going to send it. Then I will feel better that I have not taken it lying down and stood up for what I think and beleive.

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notanumber · 27/01/2010 11:01

Ok. .

You've obviously made up your mind so not sure why you've posted it in AIBU if you're not really interested in any views that don't support you.

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carocaro · 27/01/2010 11:19

FYI - Here is the letter I have just posted.

I am writing you this letter as I feel that there are things that you said to me that are still not acceptable. You may have expressed some regret to my Mum on the phone, but nothing has come from you direct which is astonishing.

You have absolutely no idea of my relationship with Hilda, my Grandma. You think you do, based on misguided assumption and ill judged presumption.

You have no idea when I visited her. I wrote in my own notebook to communicate with her when I visited. One of the nurses at X told me you always made a point of demanding to know who had been, as did one of the nurses at X Hospital who asked me ?why is that woman always so rude?? X always warned me to watch your motives and you could turn at any moment and how true that was on the night of our phone call.

What Dad and I shared with her can never ever be known by you, you were no where to be seen for the last 15 years of his life. What you think you know is totally wrong and does not even scratch the surface. I am not even going to justify your comments with a response; they don?t warrant it. I am her grand daughter, not her child and it would do you good to remember that.

Do you think it was easy for me to see her after what she told me about x? (She told me my grandad use to get into bed with me and she told him to stop, I have no recolection of it, but still horrible to be told) She told me twice once at the temporary home in X and once when she was in X. It wasn?t easy, but I went anyway.

I think you have extreme double standards. Have you been on the phone to X telling him what for, like you did to me? Or any of the other 8 grandchildren that never saw her in the last few years of her life, let alone months. Why did you talk to X, like all was well? Total hypocrisy.

A relationship between two people is not based on the last few months of life, but over a lifetime. We were family, you were a friend. And for you to say ?this would not happen in my family? as if you family and your family alone are holier than thou and set the standard for all families if quite frankly nasty.

I, unlike everyone else, never fell out with Hilda, especially not for years over something as pathetic as a tree. I kept in touch with letters, cards, photos, took her out for lunch at John Lewis and at home, to X X. X went several times to her house to help and we both took her shopping and bought her food. They also came to stay with us in London a few times.

Unlike you, we did not feel the need to make and song and dance about it, like we were the only ones who cared. To disregard our relationship as something not right and inferior is a disgraceful and disgusting insult.

She categorically said to me X was her one and only favourite child, from the day he was born and was the only one who ever did anything for her or meant anything to her. He would have been totally horrified by the way you have treated me.

She used to say that you dressed like mutton dressed as lamb and X talked a load of nonsense like a big head. She liked to say a lot of things about a lot of people.

You think you were the only one that knew X, but as I have said before, this was as a friend not as a member of the family and that is where the level understanding, knowledge, love and truth is vastly different and that you cannot ever touch.

You were a friend not a family member. You helped her in a number of ways for which I have expressed my thanks. You chose to do it, because you say you wanted to and wanted no thanks for it. However, this does not give you the right to treat me in this way.

Instead of mumbling in the corner of the pub about the fact we sent no flowers to the funeral, why didn?t you come and ask me what we did instead? No I didn?t think so, much better to be nasty and wrongly presume.

It is unacceptable that you spoke to me in that way. I feel very sorry for you that you behaved in that way and I don?t know many people who would. The fact you don?t even have the decency to pick up the phone and apologise speaks volumes.

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carocaro · 27/01/2010 11:20

Don't be a date wotanumber, I have listened to the views and taken them on board AIBU is not black or white, you listed to views and take them on board, you don't have to agree ot disagree

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allaboutme · 27/01/2010 11:27

Sweetheart, I am sorry your grandmother passed away, I can see how upset you still are, but you really should let this go.
Your grandmas friend had heard all sorts of nonsense about you (some from your grandma it seems) and also come to a couple of wrong conclusions about how close you were and how often you visited. She had a go at you when upset after your grandmas death.
YOU know she was wrong, your grandma knew she was wrong and so does anyone who matters.
It seems as though you are focussing your grief about your grandma onto anger at this lady instead, which will do no good in the end.
Let it go, think about the nice memories of your grandma and try and feel happy that you know you did the right thing and were there for her when she needed you.
Take care.

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Aussieng · 27/01/2010 11:38

Umm - you might want to spell check it. Nothing funnier than receiving a rant with lots of typos.

Personally CaroCaro, I don't think it reads as well as you would like it too. That is often the problem with hearfelt letters - you are too emotional to make a good (or succinct) point. I suspect the recipient might write you off as a bit deranged whereas the truth seems to be just that you are upset, ofended and clearly there are some other difficult family issues underlying your emotions which are perhaps being channeled into your response here.

Sometime I write stroppy emails and dont send them (as another poster said it can be cathartic just to get it down in writing) or write an email then take a deep breath and having got it all out I re-write it - much shorter and making only 2/3 main points (in this case, "your comments hurt me and were unfair because of x and y"). That's it.

I don't think as currently written it will get the response you want, there is a risk the recipient will just write you off as a bit unhinged or feel vindicated in their previous criticism which will simply serve to wind you up yet further.

I'd let it go. I'm not saying that you are BU to be upset but probably YAB a bit U to send it - certainly as it currently is drafted.

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Aussieng · 27/01/2010 11:39

lol at my own typos!!

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gorionine · 27/01/2010 11:41

I think it is a good idea to write a letter as it will get it out of your system. I would not necessarily recommend posting it though. Do it to calm yourself down rather than getting back at her IYSWIM.

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thedollshouse · 27/01/2010 11:43

If you do send it take out the paragraph about mutton dressed as lamb. Your grandmother never intended for her comments to be passed on so it is not fair for you do so.

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time.

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StealthPolarBear · 27/01/2010 11:44

if you do send it please leave out the comments about your grandmother's comments about this woman (mutton dressed as lamb?)
They are just nasty and don't show your GM in a good light

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gorionine · 27/01/2010 11:49

Sorry Op, I did not realise that you had actually already posted the letter.

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StealthPolarBear · 27/01/2010 11:51

oh yes, sjhe has - do you mean posted or written?

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MadameCastafiore · 27/01/2010 11:54

I think you should take the upper hand and not send it as it just sounds like waffle to me - on and on and on.

Sometimes it is nicer and more dignified just to know you are right and if you really need to address something do it face to face politely or not at all.

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gorionine · 27/01/2010 11:54

I meant posted if the question was for me.

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Tamarto · 27/01/2010 12:06

Gos h that letter makes you look unhinged and not just a bit spiteful, however your choice.

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Nancy66 · 27/01/2010 12:10

I wouldn't send it. it's badly written and doesn't make an awful lot of sense but, aside from that, it's nasty - especially using your dead grandmother to get at her.

She's your grandmother's friend who you now no longer have to have in your life. Let it go.

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StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 27/01/2010 12:11

If you haven't posted it yet, OP, I would recommend walking away from it and coming back later to reread it, edit it and, as others have said, remove the typos and make it more succinct. And take out the 'mutton dressed as lamb' comment too - it is unneccessary and does you no favours.

And think carefully before you post it - will it achieve what you intend or will it just make things worse - she could ring up and have another go at you, and upset you even more.

Maybe just writing it will have helped - a catharsis, as someone has already said.

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Katisha · 27/01/2010 12:12

Sounds like it has already gone in the post.

"FYI - Here is the letter I have just posted. "

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StealthPolarBear · 27/01/2010 12:13

no gorionine , first bit was to you, second bit to op, obviously! can't you read my mind?

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mumblechum · 27/01/2010 12:13

Agree 100% with Nancy66

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piratecat · 27/01/2010 12:18

you've written it, now i would def wait 24 hours, then edit it.

I speak from experience, of feeling so so pissed off, then writing it down. Then really wanting to send it, to leaving it, then re writing it. Makes it more to the point, and less 'emotional'. iyswim

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