to tell my mother to either help me, or stop nagging me.

[shoptilidrop]

Because she is doing my head in.

Basically, ive got this huge pile of paperwork i need to do. It includes two important things, one for my divorce, one for updating my address. The pile of paperwork has been getting bigger and bigger.

Im a lone parent who works. Ive a 4 year old dd and a dog. Time is the one thing i am short of. In december i said about this pile pf paperwork i was getting worried about as i knew i needed to do it. My mum and sister were busy ( understandably) with christmas and said they would have my dd one weekend in jan so i could do it. DDs dad didnt really see her at all in dec, ( just boxing day) so i had no time to do it.

Its impossible to do with DD around. Ive tried and the pile is just too big, it needs sorting first, then actioning.

DD's dad is now away ( army.) so, he only had her one day and night in dec, and is not back until late feb. In the meantime ive started a new job ( having to get up earlier and so going to bed earlier.) DDs been quite upset and is missing her dads, so lots of broken nights sleep in my bed. Im knackered.

Ive been looking at new cars and just brought one last weekend, and just sold my old car. But this has taken up a lot od time., PLus its been DDs birthday. Had a family party sunday, day out with her yesterday and friends party on sat coming. She has also had a party last weekend.

Im behind on everything and the house is a tip. Mum keeps nagging me about this pile of paperwork. I tell her, im barley managing to keep on top of day to day stuff at the momment. but she keeps going on. She eventually says she might be about to have dd one night iin a few weeks time but will let me know.

I know its not her responsibility to have dd. But can i just tell her to either have dd and help me or just quit nagging me.

[angelene]

YANBU

My mum does this to me too a bit, it's very annoying.

[ChippingIn]

YANBU

You sound knackered

Can your DD not be plonked in front of a few DVD's one day next weekend? Her brain wont go to mush in one day

[shoptilidrop]

If i had time on a weekend i would do.
This coming sat ive got the following:
Guy picking up my old car ( some time in between now and then i need to locate all the paperwork and tidy out the car)
Do all the housework- hoover, dust, clean bathroom, mop floors. Its the only chance ive got to do it and ive everyone coming over the next day.
Walk the dog
Saturday afternoon its dds party for her friends.

Sunday, ive got to walk the dog, drop dd off at sisters while i go and collect new car which is an hour and half each way. Then by brother is coming to fit the stereo and im cooking tea for the family as a thank for them looking after dd for 3 hours and running me to pick up the car and fitting stereo.

Then monday starts and im more knackered than i was on friday and havent done anything i needed to, let alone had some down time.

Im just knackered. My brother just phoned. Hes taken half a day off work so said can i go see him this afternoon and he will take my stereo out then. So i wont be back till late and i need to walk dog/cook tea/bath child/story/bed and it will be a manic race, ill be falling asleep by 8.30 and yet again will have done NO housework and NO looking for car paperwork which i need for sat, let along any other paperwork.

[shoptilidrop]

i sound like a right miserable bag dont i.

Ive just got no time to do anything and am really struggling. Makes me realise how much difference it makes dd going to her dads for one nigth every other weekend. It gives me 2 days to do stuff... whioch i can do quciker without dd and then i get a day to relax which, is much needed.
, i even get time to do some fun stuff.

hes not even back until late feb. dont know when he is having her next. if i wasnt so tired i might cry.

[angelene]

I also have a 4 year old DD, and a bedroom that needs decorating (so not nearly as complex or difficult as your situation).

It's impossible to get going on any project while DD is in the house, even if I stick her in front of the telly she comes and finds me and wants to join in/wants a drink/needs a cuddle/wants me to come and play. I don't have family close by and DH is often unable to help out. I really feel for you OP, and it does sound as it's all getting on top of you. I think you need to talk to your mum and tell her how much you need a break and ask if she could help you out. Good luck

[angelene]

Oh and one more thing - could you afford a cleaner?

[ronshar]

Without wanting to sound a little bit harsh, you need to sit down and take a really deep breath.
First of all.
Find the paperwork for the car. That is the most important because without it you cant sell the car.

Secondly. Slow down. Why do you have to do everything?
If you have paperwork which needs sorting then sort it.
Pick a night, make a cup of tea and sit on the floor. If you have one late night it wont do you any harm but the stress of worrying about the big pile of paper with cause you more and more harm.

You need to perhaps get a bit more organised with the paper work, put it into a folder for each subject so it is easier to get through.

Get do you need to coke dinner for your family in exchange for 3 hours of seeing their own grandchild.
Stand up for yourself and you will feel much better straight away.

My mum is the same by the way but I have got much better at calling her bluff. If she moans that something needs doing I take all three of my children round and leave them there while I do it. She has slowed down with the moaning

[shoptilidrop]

i know i need to sort the paperwork. I want to get it all organised in a folder. BUT its finding the time to do that.
I know i should sit down one night and do it. BUt, after having been up since 5.30 and on the go all day its very very hard to be motivated and concentrate past 8pm.
Plus dd has been having nightmares which means me up and down the stairs in the little time i do have in the evening.

I cant really afford a cleaner. When her dad is back it will be fine. Ive just got to manage in the mean time.

I do need to do dinner, or it gets thrown back in my face ( when there is an argument) that they did something and i didnt do anything back. Or that i have eaten round theirs and not repaid the favor. I am the only lone parent, in fact, im the only person with a child.

I think its the just not knowing when im gong to be able to get things done that is getting to me after 2 months. Plus, i just want to sit in front of the tv for a day and do nothing.

[choosyfloosy]

You poor thing. You desperately need some more help. I'm afraid I agree with ronshar though that the longer that pile sits around, the more stress it is going to mean.

Of course you would be completely within your rights to say to your mum 'I am not coping, I could really do with your help, but if you can't help me, don't nag' but tbh, looking at this thread, it sounds as if you never say that sort of thing. (Now would be a good time to learn how, really).

In the absence of you standing up for yourself, are there any hopeful teenagers around who would take dd to the park/up to her room to play/into the street to ride her scooter for an hour for a couple of quid? Give yourself the single goal of finding the car paperwork in that time.

If dd won't go with people she doesn't know well, then give the teenager the pile of paperwork and tell them to find the car stuff and while they're at it, sort it out into bank, car, insurance, other!

[ChippingIn]

Sounds like you need a good nights sleep!!

If I lived in Suffolk I'd happily have her for you

Don't you have any friends who could help you out?? If not, I agree with floosy - find a local teenager, even if they just come to your house & play with her, give her tea, bath, story etc (if you don't know them well enough to let them take her out - if you do, the park and tea out sounds like a plan!!).

[StealthPolarBear]

can you not take a day off work? Surely just one day if you're organised would be enough?

[ronshar]

Great idea.
Does DD go to nursery? Does any of the staff not do extra BBsitting. Just a couple of hours on a sat morn is all you need!

[choosyfloosy]

By the way, it's completely legitimate to send dd off to play with the teenager and go to bed, or watch telly. (Once you've found the car paperwork and got shot of the car.)

[shoptilidrop]

i dont know any teenagers. I wish i did.

Ive not got that many friends in this area, and those i do have young children and work as well, so are also very busy.

DD does go to nursery. I drop her off just before work and pick her up straight after. I cant afford to pay for an extra session on my day off ( tuesday, today but had to go in for a meeting).

I did actually take friday off to help get things done as i would not have managed otherwise.

I have said to my mum and brother that i wont cook for them this weekend as ive just got too much to do., but will do it next weekend when ive no time. By brother said it was no problem. My mum pulled a face and asked why.

And no, im not very good at asking for help, but tbh, ive not got anyone who can help me much really.. SO............ Actually, thats not fair, my mum had dd today so i could go into work for a few hours and she is having her next week so i can get my hair done.
Which is great and everything, i sound so ungrateful. But thats still not the things i need to be doing.

[Uriel]

How about labelling some folders and just sorting 3 pieces of paper, every time you're in the room. Not in date order, just in the folder?

[ChippingIn]

FGS - I cannot understand why it is such a big deal for your Mum to have her GD for a night or two. I know it is not her 'responsibility', but FGS how can GP's stand by and criticise their children for the state of the house/pile of paperwork/pile of laundry - whatever - and not just bloody help. Then to add to the pressure by making you feel you 'owe' them and have to cook them a meal - she's lucky you haven't put her in the sodding veggie patch!

Honest to god it makes me mad.

...and yes, before I get 100 posts telling me that she should be grateful for the help she does get as some people cope without any family to help yadda yadda yadda - if you don't have family helping, you don't have family nagging! Or if you do - stick them in the veggie patch too!

Uriel's post is a lot more help than mine I just feel proper p'd off on your behalf and wish I could help you out!

[choosyfloosy]

It's really, really tough, shop, i didn't mean to sound like it was easy to come up with a solution. for you.

That's absolutely brilliant that you have shelved the meal for another week, at least that's one thing off the list for the moment.

[TottWriter]

Yeek, your mum sounds like how mine would be if she lived nearby (thank god she's in Cornwall and I'm in Kent!).

It's good that you've postponed the meal - your brother sounds a bit more sympathetic, so would he be okay to babysit? Even if you just asked him to come round while you take the paperwork upstairs and sort it out, that would help.

If not, try and find a teenage babysitter in the area (maybe a local shop or one of your friends will know one), and have them do the same. If your DD gets upset that you're upstairs, then, frankly, tough. It's not for long and it is important. My DP and I have just had to do something similar while sorting out paperwork for bankruptcy, so I do sort of know where you're coming from.

If you can, try building up to facing your mum down. It's hard if she's a big, powerful personality, but it will have to be done. Otherwise she's going to keep on doing it, and that's the last thing you're going to need. though, because you sound like you've been through the wringer.

[minxofmancunia]

op yanbu at all\it sounds v tough for you. my situation is nowhere near as stressful as yours but I've had this discussion recently with my mum too.

I hate asking for help, I wish she wouldjust notice I'm really struggling ( and I have dh!) and offer occassionally but she hasn't so I've had to bite the bullet and ask.

I've got a big pile of paperwork to do too, she address chnages and suchlike, sorting out child benefit for ds, opening a savings account for him and such like, arghhh! It does my head in you havre my sympathies.

Sorry can't be more helpful.

[karen2205]

Is there anyway you can take a day's leave from work (when I assume your daughter is at nursery/with a childminder/at school) and give yourself some time to:

breathesort out the essential paperwork
sleepdo a little housework.

As others have said it's sounding like you're getting wholly overwhelmed with too much to do and not enough time for it and one way to break that cycle is to assert some control over it, by taking a day off work/scrapping a weekend's plans etc.

[shoptilidrop]

Im going to see if i can leave work an hour early today seeing as i went in yesterday.
Today isnt so bad, i think maybe im just being rubbish at coping and anyone else would be fine.
After work ill get home at 3.30pm. DD goes to bed at 6.45pm. In this time ive got to

• Go to the bank and get money out
• Walk dog ( have to do this, i havent walked him for 2 days)
• Hoover whole house
• Phone soft play hell and confirm numbers for party sat
• hunt out food trays for birthday buns in garage ( this could take a while)
• pick up dog pooh in the garden. Ive not done it for about 4 days and someone is coming to do something in the garden tomorrow
• phone garage and sort out appt for booking cam belt
• cook tea, clear away/wash up
• bath child. wash and dry hair
• read stories, sting songs, put child to bed
• sort out internet food shop for fri
• sort out party bags
• put away washing

-put new load of washing on.

by which time it will be about 9pm and ill just go to bed as am knackered. Thing is, this is a quiet day, with, what i thought not a lot extra to do. But when you see it as a list, on top of 6 hours work. I supose its no wonder im knackered. Or maybe im just being a bit lame?

[minxofmancunia]

not lame and not rubbish give yourself a break! That's shitloads of stuff to do.

I nearly gave myself a breakdown over party bags last september, ended up doing thm midnight the night before

Is there anyway you get cut some slack for yourself, a dog walker maybe. A teenage girl down the road from us walks all the local dogs (we don't have one but have seen her doing it) seems like a great option for working parents.

Blody hell I'm on mat leave and fel the pressure, I know when I'm back at work my head will explode with all te domestic crap I'll have to deal with. i think you're being too hard on yourself.

the rest of your list is stuff that has to be done I agree, but you're so stressed and tired and overwhelmed, understandably, routine stuff is turning into a monumental task. The constant laundry drives me nearly mad too, but I can't see anyway round it.

believe it or not you sound organised! Give yourself a pat on the back! x

[minxofmancunia]

can you do online shop during lunch break at work? then that's one less thing to do when you get home, I always put this off too, but in reality it's soooo much easier than trekking round a supermarket!

[shoptilidrop]

I do do online food shopping. I never actaully go to the shops!

Ive started it already, so have just got to finish it off.

Generally im super organised. ive been a working ( mostly lone ) parent since DD was born, so its not like im not used to it. I think its just all the extra things ive got going on coupled with the fact that ive had no break at all for 2 months and wont get one for another month.

Im just tired and grumpy and fed up of being nagged by my mother.