AIBU to think my DM should be starting to accept that her DG has sn that extend further than not wanting to talk.

[whyme2]

My DB and partner have a ds (my dn) the same age as mine ds ie 3.5. Dn is a happy child but has some developmental problems one of which is an inability to talk and a basic struggle to communicate even with signs/expressions/noises. In many ways he is on the same level as an 18month old child. These problems have only become more apparent in the last 12 months. He has had investigations and tests and as yet there has been no diagnosis.
From very young my DM has cared for dn once or twice a week and lately more often as dsil has returned part time to work.
Dm insists that dn problem is only that he won't talk.

The last time we were together as a family was christmas (family gatherings don't happen often as we live far apart) it was quite obvious to myself, dh and sadly to my db that dn is not developing on the same lines as his nieces and nephews. I know my db felt this and was quite down about it when I spoke to him. Db fell out with dm later in the day but said it was about something else.
Today on the phone to dm I felt I had to stick up a bit for my db and tried to suggest to dm that there is more to it than dn just not talking. She just couldn't grasp it. She is upset because db and dsil have chosen to send dn to a nursery school part time and reduce the time he spends at her house. She said "well he has been at nursery for 3 weeks and he isn't talking you know." I tried to gently suggest that him being in a more formal setting was db and dsil pushing for more formal help for him as he will be starting school next year and a clearer picture of his needs would be helpful for this.

AIBU to think she should be able to see this like the rest of the family can?

[meltedmarsbars]

Its not as easy as that.

Many of us find coming to terms with a sn child very hard - even we parents can bury our heads and try to make out nothing is wrong.

We each take our own time to process the information and come to our own conclusions.
Give her time, please don't be hard.

[pissinmy2shoes]

yabu(sorry) grandparents seem to have a lot of trouble accepting that one of thier gc has(I know this from my own very sweet mil, she can accept dd has sn as it is in your face, but not my dn's son who has disprazia..sp)
sounds like your DB is doing all the right things and hopefully in time your MIL will accept it.

[whyme2]

I am trying to not be hard - I just found it too much when db was not getting the support he needed from her about the nursery school.
I suppose in a way I am still coming to terms with it all and feeling very lucky/guilty that my dcs are all healthy etc.

I don't know what else to say to her.

I think Db and especially dsil are just taking their heads out of the sand IYSWIM?

[whyme2]

Thank you - I will leave the matter for now and see how things go rather than challenge her anymore.

[whyme2]

It is strange because my it was my Df (parents are divorced)who really opened my eyes to the situation.
Sadly my df and my dm hate each other do not talk.

[cory]

Not at all unusual that grandparents refuse to accept that one of their grandchildren might have special needs. Good job that your db has you; he may well need someone to talk to from time to time.

[jasper]

A friend's grandchild child has severe developmental difficulties.
I met the child at his grandparents ' when he was a few months old and it was very clear to me (who had no kids at the time) that something was very very wrong.

My friends (his grandparents ) were totally blind to his problems.

[whyme2]

I think we all assumed he was fine because there was nothing obvious at birth or even in the first twelve months of his life. It is only as he has got older that his development has really slowed down and of course this is so obvious to most people when you see my ds and dn together.
It is hard for my dm as all her other grandchildren live away so he is the only one she has near.

I though perhaps I could help my db by talking to dm. I understand that she isn't ready to see yet.