to think DP has been just a little bit useless this weekend?

[bluesheep]

Bloody hell, even as I write this I can feel the flames.

DP is a lovely bloke, great with me and the kids, works very hard etc etc. But he does have a tendency to want his old life back, and this weekend is a prime example.

On Friday we both went out to a charity night for friends of mine. My parents were babysitting, and I promised them we'd be back around 11pm-12am. All fine.

It got to 11pm, and I went to find DP to say we'd have to go. When I found him he was with a bunch of his childless friends, who proceeded to take the piss out of him (and me) for going early. So he told me that he was staying out and I should go back alone. I was a bit pissed off, but let it go because he deserves a night off every now and again.

He rolled in, absolutely plastered, at 6am and woke us all up, after a crappy night when I'd been up twice with DD2 anyway (so I was not amused). We had a appointment to see a flat at 11.30, so I tried to wake him up at 10.30am. It took until 11am to get his arse out of bed, then he stomped about blaming me for making him rush about. He was in a foul mood all day, and kept snapping at me and the kids. In the end I'd had enough, and yelled at him that if he couldn't handle his drink and not take it out on the kids the next day then he'd better not go out on the lash again. He did apologise, and told me I could have a lie-in this morning.

So, after another bad night with DD2 I was pleased that DP got up with them both. However, only 45 minutes later he comes in with DD2 crying, shoves her into my arms and tells me it's my turn as he has to get ready for football. I asked what he had done (given her and DD1 breakfast, changed nappies etc). It tutned out he had done nothing - both kids hungry, still in full nappies and pyjamas and DP just picks up footy bag and heads out.

I don't mind him going out and letting his hair down, but the weekends are the only time he sees the kids (he works late nearly every day) so AIBU to want a bit of help from him on the only days I have him around to help?

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

YANBU. I'd have been fuming, not only at the coming home at 6 thing - the waking the family not the hour. As for the football. I think I'd be taking time to sew some sequins and bells on his jockstrap for next week.
Is it possible for you to sit down and tell him that his family should come before his friends and that you would appreciate a bit of help when he is around.
He does sound a little bit immature TBH.

[Legacy]

No of course YANBU!

He's a father (assuming the kids are his with you?) and he has to accept some responsibility and grow up.

[bluesheep]

Thanks kreecherlivesupstairs and legacy - love the idea for the bells and sequins! He is generally a fantastic dad (yes they are his) and partner, but he just has these immature moments when he wants to be a kid again.

[bluesheep]

Ladyintheradiator - I think I thought I was in for a flaming because he's normally a really good dad (although he does forget that nappies don't change themselves!) and he doesn''t go out like this every weekend.

I agree that he's being a bit of a knob this weekend, but he's not always one.

[Hassled]

Yup, he's being a knob. Am not surprised you're cross. It's irrelevant that he's a good bloke most of the time if he acts like this much of a twat at the weekend.

[compo]

bbok yourself a weekend away with the girls asap
I had my first night away when my first dc was 9 months

[WingedVictory]

Why should you be flamed? He deserves the bottom-toasting here! The first-night nonsense is one thing, which he could have made up to you by letting you have the promised lie-in and NOT going to football.

Being useless and then going out for his fun, without having fulfilled his responsibilities to the children and you, is crap behaviour.

It's cruel to make children sit about in "full" nappies, especially if what they are "full"of is poo. That leads straight to nappy rash, which is painful. Therefore it is cruel.

Interesting that he didn't wreck himself the night before football....

[bluesheep]

Thanks for all your replies, I think you're right LITR. I shouldn't feel bad for being pissed off with him. He has been crap this weekend and I'm allowed to be angry about that.

Like the idea Compo! I'm still BF DD2 at the moment so it'll have to be a bit later on but it's definitely something I'll be doing (using DP's credit card of course!!)

[diddl]

Even if you didn´t have children,staying out until 6am when you have an appointment 5 and a half hours later is pretty pathetic imo.

As for not feeding children & leaving dirty nappies on, that´s just lazy.

[bluesheep]

WingedVictory - I agree, if I'd had a decent lie-in this morning I probably wouldn't be so annoyed about the going-out-on-the-lash thing. Oh, and he never drinks the night before football. Ever.

The nappies were only wet - I'm not happy about that at all, but I would have exploded if they'd been dirty.

[NoobyNoo]

YANBU - he is. Leaving his kids in wet nappies and not feeding them for 45 minutes? Then waking you up to do it so he can go play football?!!! What was he doing for that 45 minutes - getting his own breakfast and getting his kit ready?

Thats just mean. And selfish.

You've everu right to be HIGHLY pissed off.

[expatinscotland]

I'm going to save every single one of these, 'He's a great dad, when he's not being a totally feckless wanker' threads to show my two girls as they grow up.

Over and over again.

I don't get people who have young kids who stay out till 6AM getting pissed as a 'treat' or a good time.

L-O-S-E-R is the only thing that springs to mind.

YANBU, but I hope my children never grow up to be such doormats or aseholes they ever* find this type of behaviour is acceptable, either to tolerate or to do themselves.

Because it's not.

[TheSmallClanger]

YANBU. I'm afraid I agree with Expat, and am increasingly liking her idea of saving some of these threads for Tiny Clanger's future reference.

Does he do this a lot?

[AnyFucker]

I second expat

society has done such a fucking number on so many women who feel guilty for being pissed off at the wankerish behaviour of a man with the responsibility of a family

you don't have to be "tolerant" and "right on" and scared you will get flamed for daring to suggest he behaved like a twat

putting up with behaviour like that is being a doormat

and he is juvenile for succumbing to the teasing of his friends...he should be ashamed of himself for being so easily-influenced by a bunch of pissed-up people, instead of coming home with his wife

he does not "deserve" treats for being "good" (when "good" really means being part of an equal pertnership and pulling your weight)

that's what you do with a dog

[bluesheep]

Thanks for all your replies. I do find myself feeling the need to stick up for DP, but at the same time I also want to smack myself around the head and remind myself that he has been a total twat this weekend, and that me and the girls haven't deserved to be treated like this.

If I'm honest with myself he's always been a bit thoughtless - he never means any harm in it but he never stops and thinks that his actions have consequences. I suppose I've just become used to it over the years, but I have to grow a pair and tell him that he has to put the girls and I first and foremost. I've put up with it for too long now, and I'm pissed off that I've allowed myself to be a doormat - something I promised myself I'd never do again.

I had a long chat with him this afternoon, and he's genuinely appalled at how his thoughtlessness has affected me and the girls. He's going to quit football (I know this might seem pathetic and small, but football has been such a huge part of his life since he was a child, it's a massive leap for him to even suggest this!) and I think he now realises that doing things for the girls isn't 'doing me a favour', it's just being a parent.

Thanks for giving me the slap round the face I needed. DP is a wonderful bloke when he's not being a feckless wanker , and hopefully he'll be even more wonderful now!!

[AnyFucker]

errr, good result

well done

oh, and good luck for the future (thinking you will need it....this is a hell of a turn-around in 24 hours....)

see you next week

seriously, I hope he is a changed man, but I think you will have to change your whole approach and make sure he does too, and that is going to take a lot of sustained hard work