Should we expect our DC to support us financially for as long as we need the help?

[beenlurking]

I have been lurking on mumsnet for a while, and am astonished tbh at the parents who truly believe it is their right to be supported by their DC financially.

Whilst I am able to see that there are extremely poor families, and this is through no fault of their own, is it morally right to have the attitude that our DC are a viable form of financial support, of which we cannot cope under any circumstances without?

Shouldn't it be up to the govt to intervene and ensure that families who are living in abject poverty have enough money to support themselves, either by increasing opportunities in education, providing more help financially for those who cannot work, or helping people who can work to achieve a standard of living where they do not need their DC to make choices for the benefit of the whole family financially, even if that is not what the DC want to do?

Is it right that our DC cannot afford to go to university to study their chosen subject, because their parents cannot afford for them not to go straight to full time employment and contribute a large proportion of their income?
Or if they do go to university, that this is in the hope that they will, once they have finished and qualified, continue to support their families until their families can support themselves, which in some cases could be never?

How far should DC be responsible for their families financial situation?

I know of DC who are at college, even when they would rather not be there, because they know how much their parents rely on the CTC and CB, which for poor families can amount to over £70 a week, plus a reduction in council tax.

Whilst I do empathise with these parents, how far should our DC be expected to go to support their families? Should they continue even after they have left home, and set up home with a DH/DW and had DC of their own?

Is it right that some DC feel so guilty about their parents situation that they make choices, partly based on how it will affect their parents income, ie: CTC/CB?

Or is it all relative to how poor the parents in that particular family are?

[flowerybeanbag]

I've never seen anyone on here say anything about expecting to be financially supported by their DC.

[ImSoNotTelling]

I haven't seen any threads where people are expecting their DC to support them financially.

Usually the other way round on here and IRL, IME.

[paisleyleaf]

It'd be interesting to see where you've seen that.
I keep seeing the opposite - fully grown adults still looking to their pensioner parents for handouts.

[nickytwotimes]

Eh?

Never seen that on here.

[beenlurking]

There are parents on here who need the CTC/CB to survive financially, and are worrying alot about what they will do once they are no longer entitled to claim it due to their DC's leaving f/t education, or reaching the age of 19.

They are worrying alot about how they will maintain a basic standard of living without this money every week.

What is the answer? Is there an answer?

[Sonnet]

Not seen this at all....

[shonaspurtle]

beenlurking, cmon fess up. You've not seen that on mumsnet at all have you?

It's a perfectly valid topic to discuss - I wonder though, is it any more prevalent than the other way around, adult children depending on their ageing parents? I suspect there's far more of the latter.

Anyway, families help each other out in the bad times. Certainly when my mum was a teenager she was expected to get a Saturday job to help with the bills. When she went to college she was expected to hand over her grant to my grandparents for "digs" money. There was no question of her moving away to study as there would have been no money to do so. I don't think that's at all unusual.

[ImSoNotTelling]

I have not seen this ever. And I am on here a lot. Please can you link to threads where this has been said?

[MaMight]

I've not seen it either but I look forward to reading the artical.

[DelGirl]

yes mm, was just about to say this should be in media requests

[shonaspurtle]

This is a benefit-scrounger-string-em-up thread by stealth isn't it?

[ImSoNotTelling]

Not really by stealth shona

[minxofmancunia]

haven't seen this on here tbh....conversely on here and in rl see many examles of grown, solvent adults turning to the bank of mum and dad at regular intervals. e.g. good friend who's on £50k per annum has just been given £1000 by her dad to fix her car....

me and dh are in the minority amongst our friends in that we saved up ourselves for the deposit for our house. mind you saying that I have savings accounts for both dcs so i can pay their rent/tuition fees if they go to university as it would be good for them to graduate without loads of debt.

[bluesheep]

My MIL was very pissed off when DP told her he was moving in with me, and guilt-tripped him quite badly about how she wouldn't be able to afford the rent without him.

7 odd years later and she's saying the same about DP's brother moving out. She now has one of her kids left at home, and he's 28 so it's not like he'll be there forever either. It annoys me because if it was me, as much as it would upset me to move from the house I'd lived in for over 15 years, I'd just bite the bullet and downsize rather athan try and make my kids feel bad about moving their lives forward.

Having said all of that, I can't remember seeing any threads about this topic either, and I lurk as much as the next person!!

[beenlurking]

No, it is not Shona.

There has been threads that I cant find at the moment, one asking if a mother could claim HB for her DD who was about to go to university, and therefore the CTC/CB was going to stop.

Another about a parent who thought her XP should pay her maintenance until her DC had finished university.

There was a thread from washwithcare not long ago about a man supporting his XP and her DC, giving her a massive reduction in rent and a large payment every month because she couldn't afford to live without the maintenance. (That's child maintenance btw)

Not to mention the thread in chat about how much an adult costs to feed/provide for, because the OP cannot afford to live without the financial support from the govt for her DS, where jokey references are made about asking DC for handouts once they have qualified (nearer the end of the thread) and at least one other poster in same thread explaining how worried she is that one day, her CTC/CB will come to an end.

I don't know how to link threads, but this goes on in rl too.

I work with a woman, who strongly persuaded her DD to continue with A levels and then college, which I thought was great for the DD's future, until this woman told me it was because she could not survive financially without the TC's.

I happen to think it is a sad situation when there are parents who depend on that money to such a degree that they cannot even afford basic living without.

How can this be a thread about benefit scroungers when AFAIK parents on benefits for the most part can't keep all of the Child maintenance, and the CTC/CB is also paid to parents who work, as well as WTC?

[beenlurking]

Once DC leave f/t education, there is a huge drop in income for some families, and I just happen to think that is too much of a drop for some families to cope with.

Which is why I asked if the govt should step in and help these families?

What is the answer? How far should the govt go? Or do you think it is not the govt's responsibility?

[Morloth]

I would support my Mum/Inlaws if they needed it. No problem whatsoever.

However, like them we have a long term plan that means that our DCs will never have too.

The trick with our families is getting them to keep their money and not give it to us/DCs.

[beenlurking]

I agree Mrs Jammi. I have probably come across all wrong.

I don't know when a parents responsibility should end or where the govt responsibility should end.

I see what you are saying regarding a benefit culture, but there are some extremely poor families out there, who clearly cannot absorb the loss of the benefit they receive for their DC.

I would have thought there are some university courses that are so full on as to make it virtually impossible to earn enough to cover the amount of CTC/CB that is lost through the DC going to university, unless the DC contribute every penny they earn in the hrs they are able to work if they are studying a full on course.

[shonaspurtle]

I agree with mrsjammi. You would have to separate the issues of a)parents feeling that they won't personally have enough to live on with loss of benefits, and b)parents wanting to continue to give their independent (in the eyes of the State) children financial help.

I can see why b)would arise given that so many adult children depend, or expect, handouts from their parents and so a culture of this has arisen to a certain extent.

a) I'm not so sure about. There are already benefits for unemployed adults without children, or for adults without children on low incomes. They are not generous it's true, but that's because our benefit system has decided that it's families with children that are most vulnerable and therefore need the most help. I'm not sure that increasing benefits for these adults is the way to go.

Maybe better support for adults whose children are leaving home as to what routes are available to them (eg help with finding work, downsizing, what funding their children could get to help them start their lives as young adults).

[ArcticFox]

Beenlurking

This is a very confused argument. Your examples only show how the benefit system means that parents can be worse off when children leave home. It's not about parents expecting their children to support them financially over the long term but that the government gives them less support once they dont have dependent children.

What is confusing/ controversial about this?

[expatinscotland]

'I would have thought there are some university courses that are so full on as to make it virtually impossible to earn enough to cover the amount of CTC/CB that is lost through the DC going to university, unless the DC contribute every penny they earn in the hrs they are able to work if they are studying a full on course. '

And why exactly should the government take responsibility for someone who elects such a course?

Sorry, I'm having trouble understanding the point of the OP.

If I am understanding correctly, it's regarding the government's role in filling the gap left in benefits once a child becomes an adult, no?

[StrictlyKatty]

The thread is on Chat. This is basically a reply from last night on how much a DC should be charged to live at home. Word for word.