to feel nothing about this pregnancy

[mollybob]

I know I am being VVVU but I can't force myself to feel different than this. I am 37 and I'm 22 weeks pregnant and I hate myself for saying this but I do NOT want this pregnancy or this baby at all.

This pregnancy was very much wanted and planned before my BFP. I had a miscarriage which was complicated in April - I was in hospital for 3 days and ended up on antibiotics as the developing placenta was infected. There was never a baby anyway - blighted ovum, apparently. I got pregnant end of August - I remember the day it was conceived lying in bed after doing the deed thinking "swim little spermies" and "that ought to have done it..." I was delighted with the BFP for about a day - I took a photo of the test. I cannot believe I felt that way ever.

I developed swine flu a few days after the BFP and once that settled started vomiting+++ - have been on medication since for hyperemesis and if I forget to take one or try to do without the vomiting comes back. Luckily I'm now only sick 3 times a week although I still feel nauseated all the time. So obviously it has been a tough few months.

I am the family breadwinner - DH is chronically ill with bipolar and diabetes and is ok at the moment but not great. He needs a lot of support and nagging to function. The house is a state as he struggles with anything beyond the basics and I am too tired by the time I get home from work. I have 3 different jobs and work about 45 hours a week in total. Money is a bit tight but ok and we will have enough for me to have nearly 7 months off in my main job, 9 months off with my 2nd job and I'm sure about the other which is the best paid and most flexible so might go back a few hours a week when baby is about 4 months old. I have DS who is 11 and DD who is 8 already and they're wonderful. I miss having the energy to be their Mum between the exhaustion and vomiting. Even with my crazy schedule I have always managed to maintain a great relationship with them and adore them both.

I had my big scan last week and felt nothing apart from more disappointment as this baby is probably not the gender I'd have chosen although I don't think I'd be that excited even if it was. It's growing well and moving plenty and growing well and I just feel nothing.

I'm not doing anything stupid, still eating as healthily as the hyperemesis will let me and not smoking/drinking or anything. I don't actively wish it harm - just wish it didn't exist. I'm not depressed as can enjoy my DCs, still love my DH and have a laugh at work. I have had depression before when DH was first ill and it is different as it invades all of my life.

I know so many people are unable to have the babies they want and I feel even worse when I think about that - there is no justice in this horrible world. I am sorry if I have offended anyone by posting this and I'm sorry about the length of the post. In some way it just helps to admit this to myself and MN strangers and get it all out.

[tethersend]

YANBU.

You sound terrified; IME, 'feeling nothing' is the brain's way of shutting it all out. I felt this way for most of my pregnancy. Probably all of it, if I'm honest. For me, it was the irreversible nature of being pregnant/having a child that terrified me. The feeling did go; but it took time.

Speak to your midwife, and ask to be referred to the ante-natal counsellor; most hospitals have one. If nothing else, it will allow you a space to be honest about your feelings and not have to put on the 'happy face' when strangers coo over your bump in the street.

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

You're obviously going through an awfull lot atm. Truly feel for you, also slightly worried you may have posted this in the wrong section. I hope no one judges you too harshly, you just seem snowed under atm.
Have you asked to be refered to your local perinatal team, they can help you talk through any issues and give you loads of support.

[JjandtheBeanisaTwislut]

YANBU

i completely agree with tether about the antenatal counsellor, i saw one, she was amazing, dd was a suprise, ds was a mere 4mnths old when i got my bfp, i ignored it all, and carried on functioning, i eventually broke down to my midwife at 28wks after dp had been made redundant and by the time she arrived i was excited it took my until she was 4mnths and dps new job to start to fall deeply in love with her, it was waking up alone to just her while ds snoozed on and realising how much she loved me! but now i look back and im so pleased i opened up i adore her even more for the mountain i had to climb to get here!

[pantomimecow]

the reason why you are feeling like this is because you are feeling sick,tired and totally overwhelmed by everything you have got on your plate.
Once you start on ML things will be a lot better.

[pollyblue]

YANBU - you have a huge amount on your plate and you sound exhausted.

I agree with tether, also have you approached Home Start? My health visitor recommended them when I had twins last year (also have a toddler and was starting to flounder under the sea of sleepless nights, relentless washing, feeding etc). They can arrange for you to have help for a few hours a week with childcare, housework etc and will take some of the strain off your shoulders.

I remember when the twins were about 4 months becoming aware I didn't really feel anything for them, I was on autopilot just trying to get through everything that need to be done, I didn't have time to feel for them, on top of everything else, if that makes sense. I was overwhelmed by the responsibility, also recovered v slowly from their birth so felt pretty delapidated too. But things improved and now, yes it's still hard work, but i can honestly say i wouldn't be without them.

I hope you can get some good help and support and start to look forward to meeting your baby.

[MrsMattie]

YANBU.

You sound really stressed.

Do not underestimate how badly hyperemesis can mar the joy of a pregnancy, too. I went from being ecstatic at having conceived my third child (after miscarriage, like you), to feeling severely depressed just weeks later because of the relentless sickness. It was a truly grim phase of my life.

I agree that you need to talk to someone. It all sounds like a terrible burden on your mind at the moment.

Wishing you better.

[mollybob]

Thank you all. It just helped to write it as it feels like something totally taboo - now the bump is pretty obvious I keep getting told "congrats" and I hate being congratulated. I don't want this.

Unfortunately the local perinatal mental health team is a problem as it is under the supervision of the consultant who totally misdiagnosed and mismanaged DH about 3 years ago and if I had not insisted we went into the private sector and got proper treatment I doubt DH would still be alive so don't feel I could interact with them at all.

Also I'm down as consultant led care for this pregnancy so don't really have a midwife - their bloody protocols mean I have to see a doctor - a different one every time usually.

[scrummymum]

Good idea about contacting Home Start. They are a befriending service and someone can come to give you support for a few hours a week. They can look after baby so you can get some jobs done or just have a bit of me time. They can also listen if you need someone to talk to.

They can only help after the baby is born though as you need to have a child under 5.

It certainly sounds as if you are just juggling way too much and haven't got any energy left for the baby.

[scrummymum]

Just wanted to add that you can get in contact with Home Start yourself and do not need to go through a mid wife.

[tutu100]

I just wanted to let you know that I had hyperemesis with both my pregnancies. It really affected how I viewed them. Most of the time particularly with ds1 it was just an endurance not an enjoyment. With ds2 I did enjoy being pregnant more, but not until around 34 weeks and even that wore off at 37 weeks when because of the size I was the vomiting became even more horrnedous.

With ds2 I was slightly disappointed when we found out the sex at the scan because I has hoped for a girl, but this really did wear off quickly. Several health scares at the end of the pregnancy really did mean all I cared about was a healthy baby.

Ds2 is now 13 months old and I still have some problems with how I feel about him. I have been diagnosed with PND, but I don't think that is linked to how I felt when pregnant more to do with him being ill after birth. However there are moments when I do realise I love him very much and that fierce rush of love comes.

I have rambled, but I just wanted to say I think what you are describing sounds very normal for someone with hyperemesis and a lot of other things going on. I really hope you start to feel better soon. I found that with both my pregnancies there was a period around 26 weeks where the nausea would abait slightly.

[tutu100]

Forgot to say that some of the medication for hyperemesis can make you feel quite anxious and depressed. I found metoclopramide and ciclazine made me feel terrible, so bad that they then gave me phenergan in the hope that it would make me sleep as well as stop the sickness (it didn't just gave me a funny head in a different way).

[mrswill]

You sound like you are going through a lot of stress at the moment. And if you felt anyhting else other than numb and depressed I would think there was something wrong with you .

I too had hyperemesis, and felt exactly the same with my first child. I even used to get angry at people going on about the baby, and congratulating me. Dont underestimate how it can make you feel. I had no interest in my pregnancy either until the sickness went away, hyperemesis really grounds you down with its relentlessness. Luckily the bond with my DD was not affected when she arrived. But I remember the feelings of suffocating depression that came with the first few months of pregnancy. Theres already good advice on this board, and keep talking if you need to. Dont feel like a bad person

[megapixels]

YANBU at all. You can't help how you feel, and it's good that you're recognising it and questioning it. It sounds like you've had a hard time upto now, so of course you're not going to be dizzy with excitement about the pregnancy. You've got good advice from earlier posters. Good luck and I hope you start feeling more positive soon.