to not want any gifts or cash for my wedding

[fluffles]

DP and i are both quite mature, we both owned our own homes before we met and we've been together for five years.

We really don't need any kitchen ware or linen or towels.

We also don't want to ask for cash (although cash or restraunt or travel vouchers would be the most useful thing as we'll be pretty poor after paying for the wedding and wont be able to afford to go out or on holiday again for a long time).

We haven't even sent out invitations yet and i've had my first request for a 'gift list' and much about not having one (yet).

So AIBU for not wanting to make up a list of stuff i don't want in order to keep people happy?

[Two4One]

No, you are the noblest, worthiest bride in the history of taffeta!

Thing is, people will still want to buy you a gift so you might end up with a load of stuff you don't want anyway.

[scratchet]

YANBU. Could you just suggest vouchers when asked.

[shonaspurtle]

Get zillions of karma points and just say "we're asking people to donate to X charity instead".

[KurriKurri]

Friends of ours in a similar situation to yours, had a charity collection bucket at their reception, which people could contribute to if they wished, instead of gifts.

[fluffles]

Two4one - not noble or worthy at all, just hate the house to be bursting at the seams with unused 'stuff' and hate to throw perfectly good stuff away.

if people insist on buying random stuff we could always keep it and freecycle the things it replaces... but i don't want to encourage that particularly.

[pooter]

you could have an oxfam unwrapped gift list - so people could feel good about buying you something, but you wouldnt have to clutter your house at teh same time?

[fluffles]

of course, i should have thought of charity gifts

will research the options... thanks.

though i'm sure i'll still get some from the rellies for not asking for 'good china' or whatever.

[Morloth]

I know how you feel about more stuff jeez I am fed up of stuff.

The charity idea sounds like a go-er but it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I asked someone what they would like and they responded with vouchers/cash. I would think wey-hey! No shopping involved! And I still get to give a gift.

There really is no helping some people though, so just smile and thank them for the weird pots or whatever.

[MrsNorthman]

You MUST decide vouchers or charity. Otherwise you WILL end up with loads of that you don't want/haven't got any room for. Believe me, there will be those who insist on buying you something.

Good luck with the wedding by the way

[notanumber]

When we said that we didn't want anything - cash or gifts - I was surprised at the number of people who were quite put out.

You'd be amazed at the number of people who want to get you something to mark your special day. You'd also be amazed by the amount of people who do get you some horrible pie dish or vase a gift regardless.

Eventually we agreed that we wanted people who wanted to give us something to donate to charity instead.

Our wedding invitation said something like :

"We've been living together for a long time and already have all the toasters and towels we need. The best gift you could gift us is simply by being there.

If, however, you really want to get us something we have set up a fund in our new Mr& Mrs X name at SOS Children's Villages. It would be a very special start to married life for us if you were able to donate to this very worthy charity in our name."

I think the charity got several thousand pounds from us getting hitched, which was really nice.

We still got a few unwanted and pointless picture frames etc presents from people who just couldn't get their head round not buying something, but on the whole it worked really well.

Alternatively - how about asking for honeymoon vouchers?

Someone I know had this recently and it was rather nice as it felt less impersonal and cold-hard-cash than John Lewis vouchers, and you could see what they were planning to do and how you were contributing.

We got a lovely thank you card on their return with a picture of them on a mountain lift thing which they said that our contribution had got for them.

[dnamum]

We didn't want gift either, having already set up home.
We put charity envelopes on each table.
We did 2, macmillan nursed and the dogs trust.
That way people got a choice.
We put something in the invites same lines as
"notanumber"

Friends recently asked for DIY vouchers so they can do up the house they've shared for years.

[mazzystartled]

I would just say we have everything we could possibly need so don't want presents, just your love and support for the rest of our lives.

I don't particularly like the charity gifts idea, personally. I think very carefully about my charitable giving and I also think that the people who insist they want to give you a gift want to give YOU a gift.

How about a collection for a special piece of art, lifetime national trust membership or garden vouchers?

[aJumpedUpPantryBoy]

We asked for no gifts and people still bought us stuff.
I wish I had thought of nominating a charity instead, but at the time (17yrs ago) it didn't occur to me.

[MummyDoIt]

We didn't want to ask for gifts at our wedding as we'd been living together for year and had a fully-equipped home. We said 'no gifts/wedding list' when we sent out the invitations but suggested that if people really wanted to get us something, we'd love copies of their photos. We got some lovely pictures of our special day which are treasured, particularly as we didn't have a professional photographer.

[Carikube]

We had two houses to merge in to one so really didn't want anything else. We set up a webpage with Plan UK and asked people to contribute to that; as an alternative we also said that if people wanted to give us a bottle of something, we would love to share it with them when they came round to see us for the first time after our marriage.

Plan UK got a fair amount of money, we got quite a few nice bottles of wine etc (which we actually labelled so we could remember which bottle to drink when which friend/relative came round!) and then we still got a few random gifts (most of which were quite nice albeit unasked for).

[VeronicaCake]

You will never get this one right - we said no need for gifts, but if people wanted to mark the occasion we'd really appreciate donations to our favourite charities. And we got loads of stick (mainly from relatives not friends) because apparently we should have realised people wanted to buy us presents. Having said that lots of our friends were very keen to donate and we raised more than £2000 for our three charities so it was well worth doing. We chose three smallish vol orgs that we personally knew something about, and which worked in very different areas in the hope that everyone would be able to find something they felt happy to donate to.

I think saying 'really please don't feel you have to get us a gift but if you wanted to show your generosity in some way either vouchers or donations to X cause would be lovely' is probably a happy medium. You will still find you have an aunt somewhere who would much rather buy you a teapot (and probably will) however. The key is making it clear you don't expect anything - and sending thank you cards to everyone who comes regardless of whether or not they chose to donate anything.

[JaneS]

I don't want cash or gifts either - some of my friends want to get things though (which is sweet of them). As they're not well off (neither am I), I think some of them will give me standing IOU's for time-presents.

For example, 'IOU a girl's night out with cocktails - will organize and invite people whenever you choose' is the suggestion of one of my mates. I really like that - they're really just, 'I'll spend some time for you', but - with luck - it means we'll remember to get together for a good night out sometime, instead of having another year when it didn't quite happen.

[TheHappyCamper]

This is the poem we have sent out with our wedding invites for July. Not sure yet how well it will work - I think the charity option is a great idea but also feel that sometimes people really do want to give you something to mark the occasion.

"We really hope that you can join us
On our special day
You?ll make our memories complete
In every single way
We do not have a gift list
As we know it costs a lot
To get yourselves to Scotland
To see us tie the knot
But should you really want to give
And celebrate this way
A gift of money would be lovely
For a rainy day
(Please do not feel obliged to buy a gift,
it?s your presence and not your present that?s
important to us"

No-one has said anything when given the invite so it has yet to be seen!

[fluffles]

thanks everyone!

two things have really struck a chord. One is to ask everyone for photos. We're not having a photographer except for a portrait at the registry office so it would be good to ask everyone to send us a memory stick or cd with photos of the rest of the weekend on it

the other thing i like is the responsible travel vouchers. 2010 is hectic for me at work so we're only taking a short break after the wedding (which my parents are paying for) but we'd love to go on a really special trip in 2011 so the vouchers would be a great idea (and responsible travel is a company i've used before to ethically source mountain guides and accomodation).

[Vallhala]

I didn't have a wedding list as I feel uncomfortable asking for presents, especially specific ones. Ex H and I lived together before marriage so we had most things but were still spoiled with some lovely gifts.

The most memorable was from good friends who had the DC for a weekend so we could go out for the night and get a lie-in next morning too. As my friend put it, they could have bought us a vase or something we really didn't need or want, they didn't have much money, so they wanted to give us something special. It was the best of all our presents.

If you have children perhaps someone would like to do the same for you?

[nigglewiggle]

Not my idea - I think I read it on here, but a lovely thought was to ask guests to choose a book for the bride and groom and put a message inside explaining why they chose it.

[butadream]

Friends had a charity gift list and a wine list, which I thought was a good idea as people do like to give presents.