to be upset about this or should I grow up and accept that this is normal when there are children from previous relationships?

[happymatleave]

It's dp's daughter's birthday today, she is 4. We have all been invited for a meal by her mother (dp's ex) and family.

I can't go as it clashes with the night my dc's go to see their dad and I will be dropping them off at the same time as the meal. We also have a young baby and it is a bit late to take him out, about 20 miles away, in this weather. But to be honest I am glad I have good reasons not to go as I would not want to anyway.

DP has a very good amicable relationship with his ex, which is great, especially for dsd. It is far better than parents arguing and using the children against each other so you are probably wondering what I am complaining about!

It's just that sometimes she's a bit too friendly for me, I get on ok with her but I don't want to be her friend IYSWIM. She is always inviting us to parties at her house, meals out etc. So far we have never gone but tonight DP is going on his own so that he can see his daughter on her birthday and will have the meal with his ex and all of her family.

Am I being really immature to be botherd by this or is it natural? I am glad they are still able to get on well for dsd's sake but I don't see why this means socialising together and it makes me feel a bit sick.

[happymatleave]

It's DP's daughter's birthday today, she is 4. We have all been invited for a meal by her mother (dp's ex) and family.

I can't go as it clashes with the night my dc's go to see their dad and I will be dropping them off at the same time as the meal. We also have a young baby and it is a bit late to take him out, about 20 miles away, in this weather. But to be honest I am glad I have good reasons not to go as I would not want to anyway.

DP has a very good amicable relationship with his ex, which is great, especially for dsd. It is far better than parents arguing and using the children against each other so you are probably wondering what I am complaining about!

It's just that sometimes she's a bit too friendly for me, I get on ok with her but I don't want to be her friend IYSWIM. She is always inviting us to parties at her house, meals out etc. So far we have never gone but tonight DP is going on his own so that he can see his daughter on her birthday and will have the meal with his ex and all of her family.

Am I being really immature to be botherd by this or is it natural? I am glad they are still able to get on well for dsd's sake but I don't see why this means socialising together and it makes me feel a bit sick.

[DuelingFanjo]

Perhaps it is too soon since the split? I think maybe YAB a little unreasonable for finding as many excuses as you can to not go to these things but also can understand how it must all be a little weird.

Couldn't you just accept that she's going to be in your lives for the foreseeable future and that being friendly is better than being at loggerheads?

[Morloth]

Would be great for your DSD if you could all be friends. Also excellent for your kids including your new bubs.

Why does it make you feel sick that she is friendly? If they are both good/nice/normal people then if at all possible they should try to get on as much as possible.

[happymatleave]

Ooops, not sure why I have posted this twice!

[alurkerspeaks]

It is obv v important for their joint child that they do things together.

I'm sure having her Dad there for her birthday party is very important for her.

Quite a few of my friends come from blended families. Most of their parents have managed to bury the hatchet and it is really nice for them and the grandchildren if all their grandparents can be present at any given social event.

Surely you would be even more upset if she just invited your DP?

[happymatleave]

Yes alurker I would be more upset by that, you're right.

[harimosmummy]

I'm sorry, but from someone who has spent over 10 years banging their head against a brick --wall- trying with a difficult Ex, YABU.

She is being polite, she is including you and your family. she is trying her best.

I've been SM to my DSDs for over 10 years and have a reasonable relationship with them - certainly do a lot for them (often at Ex's request / insistence) but she'd cross the road rather than acknowledge my DC (her DC's half siblings)

I've met her head-on on occasion and she refuses to look me in the eye.

be thankful (for your DH, their kids, yourself and your kids) that it's so amicible.

it could be MUCH MUCH worse.

[happymatleave]

Morloth - I'm not sure why it makes me feel sick, that's why I am asking AIBU. It seems I probably am

[Heqet]

I think it's really good. Far better to get on. After all, your lives will always be entwined, won't they?

I wouldn't say you should 'grow up'. That's a bit blunt, but tbh it's basically the truth . When I think how many threads there are on here of women refusing to allow contact, of men buggering off and not seeing the kids, of exes trying to split up the new couple..... you have no idea how lucky you all are and how good this is for the child.

He had a child with someone else. That is never going to change so you have to be ok with it if you are going to be with him.

[happymatleave]

You are all right of course, it is much better to be amicable than falling out over the children, as I said in my OP.

I'm not causing trouble about it or trying to stop it in anyway but was asking is it normal that it bothers me?

My DP is with you all by the way, he can't understand why I don't want to be her friend either - friendly yes but not her friend.

[Heqet]

What exactly is it that bothers you?

At the moment you have a floaty, vague, "I don't like it" feeling.

What exactly don't you like? break it down. What are your fears?

Once you analyse your feelings and understand them, you might find this feeling disappears.

[JeMeSouviens]

I don't think YABU. DH's ex had visions of us all being friends, and having cups of tea together. I just don't see it as necessary. Yes we can be civil when we see each other face to face, but seriously, after you've talked about their mutual DC, then what, start reminiscing about their past? Or telling me anecdotes from their married years? I don't think so.

In our situation we don't tell his ex anything about our personal life, as she normally twists it around and beats us with it later, so we would not socialise with her at all, thus saving pain all round.

[Morloth]

I am not sure it is common (or normal) but it should be. Much better for everyone involved. You don't have to be best mates, but going to your DSD's family gatherings if invited and being friendly and just generally getting on is the way I reckon.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

I can see why you wouldn't want to be best mates but if she is genuinely extending the hand of friendship, I would be glad about that. Does she have a new partner herself? If not are you feeling a bit insecure that she still has feelings for your DP?
I think you should just try and be really mature about this, accept there was a history between them but they have both moved on and DP is with you now. I think you should also make an effort to accept one of her invites - it may help you put your mind to rest about any thoughts of it being "weird" - you might enjoy yourself (chance to have a laugh about some of DP's quirks, or is that too much?!)

[giddykipper]

If I were you I would count your lucky stars!

[happymatleave]

Heqet - I don't know how to explain it. I feel like she wants to be part of our life. It's never a case of just dropping dsd off, she always has to come in for some reason. Asks for a cup of tea, goes up to dsd's room to get clothes out of her draws etc. Brought her family round to see our new house when we moved in. Wanted to spend xmas morning with us so that we could all open presents together.

I know they are all minor things but I just don't feel comfortable with it.

[piscesmoon]

A bit immature IMO.
Put the DCs first-you are the adult and can deal with it.
This is your baby's half sister and they are both DPs children. They should be treated equally, and one shouldn't be a second class DC.

[piscesmoon]

It isn't very common but it should be IMO. All couples should aim for it and, if one is trying, the least you can do is reciprocate.

[happymatleave]

GetDown - yes that is a bit too much

We have been to dsd's birthday parties together but thats in a larger setting where we can say polite hello's and then mingle. I guess I'm just not comfortable with the more intimate stuff like sitting around a table having a meal together.

[macdoodle]

YABU, what will you do for DSD graduation, wedding, christenings?? Make excuses not to go, not to take her half sibs, in fact the more I think about it the more unreasonable you seem??

Why dont you like it, would you prefer her to be screaming abuse at your door??

Seems us XW's really cant win, perhaps all the 2nd wives would like us all to conveniently disappear and take our children with us

[IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern]

I agree with Morloth.
My ex and I get on brilliantly (believe me it was not alwasy anywhere near get on ok in the past) so this is a great progress for us.
Him and dh not and never will be bosom buddies but can be civil and in each others company and I do think over the passage of time that will be easier for them too it's great the dc's never have to be upset, when ex turns up here to pick them up and dd invites him in to show off something she has there is no hassle or discomfort.

On the otherside I have dh's ex and ex's dp.
Neither of them make any attempt to be civil never mind pleasant and TBH it is horrid and stressful as our paths do cross from time to time and for occasions such as birthdays etc it ends up being right i'll have them this long you have them that long etc. and if these other 2 women could actually be mature enough to tolerate the same room as me and dh for a short time I honestly feel it would be far better for all the dc's.

They are still too young to understand that the whole world isn't friends and why mummy and daddy can't stand to be in the same room.

I am saying this from the stand point of someone who has had a horrendous relationship with her ex and has done a lot of soul searching and a hell of a lot of forgiving and talking with ex to get to this point deliberatel as I feel it was the best example to set our dc's in the long term.

[Heqet]

Ok. well, she is part of your life.

"I know they are all minor things but I just don't feel comfortable with it. "

Why?

Finish this sentence "I don't feel comfortable with it because..."

(just trying to help you to identify exactly what your problem / fear is, because it seems like you don't know, and until you do, you can't sort it.)

[happymatleave]

piscesmoon - I get the immature thing, it is what I asked but in what way am I treating dsd like a second class dc?

[piscesmoon]

If I was the ex and another woman was having a lot to do with my DC I would want to know her really well. I wouldn't want a stranger bathing her, reading her stories etc! I would also hope to know my DC's siblings.

[DorotheaPlenticlew]

Is it anything to do with why they split up? Does part of you suspect that she is still too keen on your DH, maybe? I know it sounds a bit odd, I'm just speculating 'cos I don't know the history. But it seems like the background circumstances might be relevant to your feelings.