to be annoyed that DP didn't come home until this morning

[lorrycat]

DP rarely goes out anymore since birth of DS. I do encourage him to go out more often as i think its important to have social time with friends. So yesterday he made arrangements to go for a beer with his brother and 2 friends.

i dropped him off at the pub at 4pm and made arrangements to invite a neighbours round for a wee drink with me so i wouldn't be alone on sat night. Neighbour went home at 12am and i'd heard from DP once thru the evening to say he'd gone back to his brothers to continue drinking (this is fairly typical). I asked him (jokingly) if he was planning on coming home tonight and he answered 'of course' - explanation later on why i asked.

So i went to bed myself and texted him to say goodnight and to say that i would get up with DS in morning (we take turns at weekend getting up and it would have been his turn today). I waited all night on him coming home (you know the way you can't settle yourself propertly until they are home and you can put all the locks on the front door).

He didn't come home until breakfast this morning. Now he wasn't pissed, in fact it looked like he had a few hours sleep. I was livid:

Dp: morning
Me: morning? what happened to coming home last night
DP: sure i was at brother's house, we were drinking all night
Me: But you said you'd be home
Dp: and what?
Me: and what?!! You think i'm sitting up all night waiting on you coming home and then get up in the morning with DS when you roll home at breakfast time with plans to lie and sleep all day. Don't think so.
.

So ladies, was i BU? Or is it that he was BU not coming home in the first instance, or not even being curteous enough to call me and say "hey, its late i'm gonna crash here and come down in the morning".

Background: it costs £5 to get to our house from his borthers in a taxi. DP has a history of doing this kind of thing when he goes out (i.e. going to the brothers and not coming home). He made quite a habit of going up there when i was pregnant and even did it the week DS was due.

[Heqet]

No. Not being unreasonable at all.

He didn't let you know. He said he would be coming home. If he wasn't then he should have let you know.

I HATE it when they do that. Come home, don't come home, who cares (I am at that point) but tell me one way or the other.

[PavlovtheCat]

YANBU

[mrsboogie]

YANBU, not even a tiny bit U!

it is common courtesy to at least let you know that he is not coming home after saying he would be. I hate this - he didn't care at all that were left to wonder what was going on.

Punish him and then punish him some more!

[lorrycat]

The look on his face when i handed DS over was priceless. He'd been up since 5am saturday morning right thru to 8am this morning and had major plans to go and lie in his bed and catch up on sleep.

Well he didn get going to bed until 10am when DS went back for a nap. so i got a lovely lie in until 12.30pm (never happens for me).

However i'm pissed off even more because it seems he didn't change DS's nappy this morning. So that means the poor child has been in the same nappy all night since 7pm. It was soaked right thru his vest and babygrow - GRRRRRRRRR!!!

[ChloeHandbag]

I'm with LeQueen, I used to get cross about it but now have made it clear that I'd rather not have to deal with a drunken stinking man crashing around in the middle of the night. Much better to stay away and come home the next day after a shower, much scrubbing of toothpaste feeling that he has a lovely wife who doesn't begrudge him a little freedom.

It is true that no woman would want anything to do with drunken middle aged man trying to be young for a night, so no worries on that count.

[cherrylips]

Happens to me sometimes too. he never txts to say he can't make it home. And more annoyingly he marches up to bed for about 4 hours kip before coming down to make himself a coffee. Plus I have to drag an apology out of him. Luckily in other respects he is very good. No one is perfect !!!!

[lorrycat]

What's also annoying me is that DP has a very demanding job that requires him to get up at 5am and his constant war cry is "i'm to tired to do....".

This really affects our quality family and couple time. But yet whenever he goes out with his mates he can somehow muster the energy to go from 5am on sat morning to 8am on sunday morning!

[Pheebe]

YABU

"I do encourage him to go out more often as i think its important to have social time with friends"

You can't have it all ways, you knew he was at his brothers and clearly felt there was a likelihood he wouldn't come home. You also said he rarely goes out. He is an adult not your child to be told off when he doesn't do what you 'expect' him to do. If you didn't think you could settle without the lock on the door you should have phoned/texted and told him you were locking up and you'd see him in the morning. No big deal.

Cut the bloke some slack and stop sulking. Arrange a night out for yourself.

[lorrycat]

i suppose it wouldnt' be MN if everyone agreed with me

Pheebe...yes i do think its important to have social time and yes i did know that he was at his brothers.

But, common decency would suggest that he could have at least texted/phoned to say he was/wasn't coming home.

Plus, i don't like double standards. I very rarely go out myself. In fact most of my socialising is done via coffee/lunches with friends and it can be guaranteed that if i'm longer than say 2 hours, in will be getting all sorts of phone calls/texts saying "where are you, why aren't you home yet".

[Heqet]

I don't think it is about insisting they come home. Well, not for me anyway. When he's pissed I'd rather he's anywhere else - he talks such total shit!

It's about letting you know if he is coming home or not. Or even saying "If I get very drunk I shall probably crash"

not telling you he is definitely coming home and then not showing up.

[ChloeHandbag]

Mind you I do have a fantasy where I go out for a few drinks locally and then not turn up until the morning. I can guarantee that dh would be a gibbering wreck.

[lorrycat]

Heqet you're right. It it is about the communication of whether or not he will be home.

chloehandbag, if i can't go for lunch in peace i doubt very much i'd be able to swing an all nighter lol.

[Heracles]

So you told him you were going to bed but expected him to call you to say he wasn't coming home? The poor guy couldn't win, could he?

If you'd heard nothing I can imagine you being worried/annoyed but you knew he was at his brother's, you gave the impression you were off to sleep; if this is the worst thing he gets up to you should probably be counting your blessings...

[Pheebe]

Agreed Lorry and agree that would have been the decent thing to do, but really common decency is likely to go out the window after a drink or two isn't it. Really, if you spend your married life expecting your DH to treat you the way you treat him/do everything the way you would do it you are setting yourself up for a very miserable time. Pick your battles (decide what's really really worth fighting/sulking over) and go with the flow for the minor stuff.

[sneezyweasel]

YANBU to want him to let you know one way or another whether he will be home or not.

But then if you texted him to tell him you were going to bed then it's not unreasonable for him to then not phone you and disturb you.

And I don't understand why you didn't change the baby's nappy yourself if you got up with him, I think you are just finding extra things to be cross with him for!