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AIBU?

in being worried about my ds at my xh's?

18 replies

issysmilkbottle · 01/01/2010 16:52

ok, i split from ds's dad approx 7 years ago, awful divorce but i always did what i could to ensure ds, now 10, had a regular relationship with his twunt of a father... Its worked well and have no major problems. He collects on time, has him alternate weekends and half of holidays and will make rearrangements as needed, as do i... He pays maintenance each month, not alot but enough and i havent asked for an increase since the split but ask him to contribute half towards big expenses such as school residentials/cub camps etc and he is happy to contribute.

When we split he 'shacked up' with a woman whom i had no issue with but thought was a bit rough and is now a 4x4 but ds seemed ok going there, got on with kids etc and apart from not being fed or washed much while there didnt come to harm. Then his behaviour really slipped and it transpired that this woman was being violent to his dad in front of the kids etc so with his dads agreement access stopped whilst his dad moved out and they split up, ds had a najor panic attack on way home with me after the last visit before the split.
Sadly ds has a 6 month old half brother... And so contact remained and the woman wouldnt let his dad have access away from her house and so ds has been visiting there..

I've had suspicions for a while and ds has confirmed today that xh and this woman are back together. When it all went wrong i made it clear to xh that ds was not to spend any significant time with this woman and that if they got back together we'd have to seriously consider the access arrangements..

I have remarried, and have a 5 week dd with dh, dh and ds adore each other btw...

Aibu to worry about ds? He's due to start high school next year and i dont want him to have to deal with extra stress as i know his dad has told him not to tell me things in the past... Should i tell xh that i'm not happy and that we need to revise access? I'm really not sure...

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Stephief · 01/01/2010 17:08

Yes you are right to be worried.

And I think you should reconsider the current access arrangements. Kids need parents to protect them from witnessing violent behaviour, he is not being a good or responsible parent. So you need to be instead. I am not saying stop him from seeing your son,but you need to make sure it is in an evironment where your son is not around that other woman if she cant control her temper.

Hope you get this sorted soon.

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DuelingFanjo · 01/01/2010 17:10

what's a 4x4?

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mummyofexcitedprincesses · 01/01/2010 17:19

Either a very big car or 4 kids by 4 fathers (coined in honour of Ulrika Johnnson I believe).

I too would be concerned about your DS. They must either prove that things have settled down now (maybe there were underlying reasons for her behaviour such as severe pnd that are now sorted) or only let your ex see him away from her.

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MrsSawdust · 01/01/2010 17:21

Also want to know what a 4x4 is? Does it mean 4 kids by 4 people?

I think you do need to talk to your xh about this and ask for access to be on neutral ground for now until the situation with his partner is clearer. Your ds has clearly already been traumatised by whatever has gone on there and needs to be protected from that.

Good luck.

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issysmilkbottle · 01/01/2010 17:38

yeah, 4x4 is 4 kids by 4 fathers.... Shame really.

This is all ontop if other probs i'm having too... Doesn't just rain, it pours!

Ds is such a sweet sensitive soul, and very very bright, he was bullied at school for years and we got that sorted around the same time as stopping this rubbish and so you can see why i need to be cautious... Just dont want to over-react....

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MrsSawdust · 01/01/2010 17:57

Yes OP, I remember your other thread from earlier this week. You do have a lot of worries at the mo! Mumsnet is such a godsend at times like this, I find

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madamearcati · 01/01/2010 20:00

I thought it was a piece of wood like a '2 by 2' but wider

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Hando · 01/01/2010 21:21

I thought 4x4 was rhyming slang for "whore". Ooops.

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abbierhodes · 01/01/2010 21:28

I typed a response to that, Hando, but deleted it so as not to offend anyone!!!!

OP, you cannot allow your son to be in the same house as a violent adult. If this was a man, you wouldn't be doubting the decision you should be making. YANBU at all!

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TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 01/01/2010 21:44

Considering it's not even his father who is abusive, it should be made clear that she is to have no access to son. You do need to rethink current arrangements. Your poor DS. Hope he settles into seniors alright.

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issysmilkbottle · 01/01/2010 22:39

thank you. When I have raised it with xh a few weeks back he kept saying its not a problem etc and his interpretation of significant time is a week whereas overnight is to me... I don't feel I can rely on his dad to do the right thing re the woman and access and the only way of ensuring she has no access means his dad has none either... would that be ok or would I be depriving ds access to his dad and half brother? His dad is an emotional retarded and v v selfish tbh...

Btw, his family don't like her either but no one os able to talk sense into xh....

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TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 02/01/2010 11:42

You might have to seek legal advice on it then. I suppose the general idea is that DCs should be able to see their dad/siblings. But personally I would think his dad is making the choice to limit his access to your DS by having this abusive woman in his life.

Overnight is definately a significant amount of time considering she could be violent towards your X in that time and poor DS might have to witness that. Sounds like his dad is being very irresponsible.

Maybe have a chat with DS, he might be very reluctant to lose out on seeing his dad and brother.

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mummyofexcitedprincesses · 02/01/2010 12:02

If his family don't like her can access be at the grandparent's home?

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edam · 02/01/2010 12:08

agree you would be well within ds's rights to stop all contact until his father has remembered to put ds first and stop exposing him to the risk of violence - as a witness or, God forbid, as a victim.

Suggest you see a lawyer sharpish. I'd be wary about involving ds in making a decision though. Talk to him but I do think it wouldn't be fair or appropriate to ask an 11yo to decide whether to take the risk. He loves his Dad, he might be prepared to see this awful woman out of loyalty to his father. He doesn't yet have the intellectual or emotional maturity to make such a complex and loaded decision. God knows there are enough adults who would struggle with it.

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issysmilkbottle · 02/01/2010 12:21

thank you, I'll try and get some legal advice next week...

Added complication - ds woke up today with a really sore throat and can't swallow etc. Dh is at work and when I told him about ds he said to keep him away from dd as we don't want her to be ill, that's fine but dh is saying that he thinks that each time ds comes back from his dads he shouldn't be allowed near his sister just in case he's brought back all sorts of germs. I said that he was being unreasonable - right?
Ds always has a bath as soon as he comes home and a decent meal and I feel that thats enough... Its mean to say he can give his sis a cuddle!

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TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 02/01/2010 13:20

Your DH is being unreasonable. He's a little lad, he had pick germs up anywhere, as can his sister. He has a bath so he should be able to cuddle her- otherwise that's another family member he's alienated from through no fault of his own. Your poor DS, give him lots of cuddles today, he deserves them.

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AnAuntieNotAMum · 02/01/2010 13:42

Unless your DH is generally obsessive about germs then I'd say his attitude is very worrying. It seems to show him valuing his DD over his DSS and the last thing your DS needs is to feel pushed out now given what he's gone through with his Dad. Not kissing/hugging her while he is ill and she is tiny is fine but having to have a bath before kissing his sister hello after a contact visit sounds over the top. It's going to make him feel that everything associated with his Dad is dirty and shameful.

As for your DS going to his Dad's, I would be worried too, especially that she might be violent to the kids too. Can you find out more about the state of the relationship from your exH? Can you perhaps go to family mediation to talk about it? Womens Aid run a programme for perpetrators of violence, perhaps medication could persuade her to go to that?

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issysmilkbottle · 02/01/2010 14:04

thank you, I did tell dh that he was being mean and if he wants to implement that sort of sanction then we need to do the same when his dd (age 14, my dsd) comes for a day or two... Don't think he thought I'd say that.... Its stupid, dd will get colds etc, she's had a little cold already and I won't live in a bubble!

my dh is a worrier and a bit of a hyoochondriac... When he comes home today he can help out, he had better not go to pub today!

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