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AIBU?

to be bloody well exhausted?

25 replies

ButterPie · 18/12/2009 21:02

I'm too tired, angry and in the middle of bf to type in full sentances.

month old baby
2.8 yo dd
section and spd still recovering from
history of pnd and pnp from having dd1
nearly christmas
first year away from my family, near to dps
toddler christmas party this morning
snow
done all christmas shopping today as its tax credits day
apt with mental health support nurse this pm - conducted with both children demanding attention
had to bake mince pies as party tomorrow and dp moaned when I tried to buy ready made ones
burned the tea, had to fob toddler off with cheese and pate on crackers. Toddler arsed about with said tea, at one point being caught about to spread pate on a cd.
toddler and baby both go daft in the evenings
dp rang to say he was having a quick pint at 4.30. arrived home at 8.
went to make tea for dp and me, dp has put all the meat in the freezer without consulting me, or even informing me. Carefully laid out meal plans are thus useless.
when dp told me this, I asked what he fancied instead and he started shouting that he is tired and was going to treat me to a takeaway but won't now.
when I cried, he told me to take the baby and go to bed. I asked him to watch the baby while I have a bath to ease the pain in my pelvis. He snatched the baby and started banging about in the kitchen, muttering about how it was a mess (from baking). He was so aggressive that I took the baby back.

Please tell me it gets better. He tried to tell me to stop co-sleeping, which would mean me getting up and sitting up awake to feed the baby several times a night. How the hell I could do that when I am only just coping now I have no idea. I keep telling him to sleep on the bedsettee but he won't. I suspect because his computer is upstairs and he wants to play wow till the early hours.

GRRRRRRRR.

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Ispy · 18/12/2009 21:04

YANBU. Give him the baby NOW and go and take your bath.

nickytwotimes · 18/12/2009 21:06

Your dh is acting like a selfish sod.

You need some help, not an overgrown kid.

waddlelikeaduck · 18/12/2009 21:10

take a very long bath with lavender if yoy can and try and relax.... Its hard with a little one, my dd is 3 weeks old, and dp's expect you to be able to cope by now as if nothing has changed - they are arses but won't change quickly/easily/if at all... Concentrate on yourself and the dc's and let dp fester on his own.... Take care xxxx

MarineIguana · 18/12/2009 21:11

You poor thing, YANBU of course. Your DP is out of order (though this kind of fraught scenario is pretty normal in the circumstances I think).

Wait till a calm moment and tell him you understand he is tired too but you are exhausted, not well and will not be super-wifey for some time to come, and he will need to pull his weight.

If he wants home made mince pies, he can make them.
Communicating with you about domestic stuff is vital, and no taking the piss with the pub.
He must not ever, ever unleash his tiredness and frustration on the DC.

It is a tough time, for him too, and you can let him know you understand, and reassure him it will get better (as it will). But for now you are going through hell and you need to support each other. I think he is just sorry for himself, being selfish and failing to see how hard this is for you. Make sure it sinks in.

ButterPie · 18/12/2009 21:16

Ipsy- I don't want to give him the baby in that mood. She is still so young that she wants holding almost all the time, he won't use a sling and will just dump her in her basket and ignore her crying. I can't relax to the sound of her screaming.
He has misunderstood the idea of controlled crying and seems to think it means leaving the baby for hours, ignoring their cries. Obviously I can't let that happen. The thought of it is making me cry again. I am a sling-wearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeder. He is more of a baby ignorer. I was going to say gina ford, but then I thought she does routines and he thinks my routine with dd is a daft idea and I should just drag the kids round to what I fancy doing.

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jellyfingers · 18/12/2009 21:20

tell your husband if he wants to get up how ever many times in the night to feed the baby you are happy to let him. i have had all 3 of my baby's sleep and feed in the bed with me so i could get some sleep,my dh has slept on the sofa on and off (mostly on) for about 7 years. i find calling him a dickhead/tosser, or any other name you like normally makes you feel better.(but thats just my opinion.)

ButterPie · 18/12/2009 21:29

Now he is banging about, I think moving furniture. Because that really needs doing while both children are finally sleeping, as opposed to my bath, which I can't have while dd is awake as she gets in with me (no lock on bathroom door, bathroom downstairs) (which I am aware is madness and have been meaning to buy a bolt since we moved in)

Meh. This is when I get the sneaking wish that I didn't breastfeed or co-sleep and could just storm out and go and get off my head in some noisy nightclub. Except I am too tired and upset and old, and instead just fancy a baileys in some hot chocolate and half a bloody hour without a baby or child somewhere about my person. I love them, god I love them more than life itself, but they are annoying little buggers sometimes.

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Trikken · 18/12/2009 22:03

Aww. men can be so self absorbed sometimes. he is definately being a bit selfish and not thinking about all the hard work you are doing. plus if he isnt happy with store-bought mince pies he could have made them himself instead of expecting you to do it when you've been running around after a toddler and caring for a baby all day.

I hear what you are saying about children being annoying sometimes, you do need that break to be yourself, and to rest and recover at the mo.

is there a willing grandma/grandpa/aunty that would watch them for an hour or so, so you can bathe in peace sometimes?

ButterPie · 18/12/2009 22:28

His parents are brilliant, but when they have them for an afternoon I always feel like I have to do something "useful" like housework or household admin (of which there seems to be mountains somehow). Plus I think it's more symbolic as well. He is so attentive and loving when it suits him (particulary when others are watching) but doesn't seem to realise that kids aren't computer games that you can log off from when you feel like a break. I would just like him to:

try his best to get home to have tea round the table (that I cook, he just has to eat and maybe watch kids while I cook) and help with bedtime
hold the baby at some point in the day for an hour or so, maybe give her a bottle of expressed milk, so I can have a brew/bath/mn/nap/childfree walk.
let me know if he is going to the pub and when to expect him home
try not to get staggering/shouting/ranting drunk except maybe on the odd special occaision
give me £135 a week (the amount that the rent is, and less than his £200 a week wage) without fail. If he can't for some reason, let me know in advance so I can budget (this would involve not paying another bill, but rent is the priority)
If he has a day off, spend at least some of that day with me and the kids, not upstairs on wow.
every now and again (every week would be ideal, but not practical right now) go somewhere, anywhere, with me and have adult conversation in a room with other adults. Given that i am new to the area, this is my only chance to socialise without the kids.

Do they sound like reasonable demands? He is lovely when he wants to be, don't get me wrong, but I never know where I am with him. Those things are what I find important. I have given up on sleep/nice clothes/a decent social life for the time being.

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moondog · 18/12/2009 23:04

'He is lovely when he wants to be'

I'm sorry, but have you taken leave of your senses?He sounds like an utter wanker.

Trikken · 18/12/2009 23:25

thats a bit harsh dont u think moondog?

abbierhodes · 18/12/2009 23:32

I don't think Moondog is being harsh at all. He's a knobhead. Get rid.

ZippysMum · 18/12/2009 23:35

ButterPie, you sound lovely and I'm not surprised you're exhausted. Sounds like you
have 3 kids, not two.

Can you sit him down and help him understand that he is giving you an unreasonable lack of support?

ButterPie · 18/12/2009 23:52

Feeling better now. He calmed down a bit, so I gave him the baby, told him where the bottle of expressed milk was, and left him to it. At one point he even came in the bathroom to tell me she was crying even though she had been changed and fed. I just smiled sweetly and said "yes, she does that, I deal with it 24 hours a day" and relaxed back into my bath. As soon as i started getting out, he left the baby in her bouncy chair outside the bathroom and went to bed. Hopefully he might have got the message that I don't spend all day scratching my arse

...next step, leave him with both kids for a bit. That should be funny.

Baby is now snuggling up to my boob, giving it little affectionate sucks and staring up at my face. They are lovely little things really.

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ButterPie · 18/12/2009 23:55

Oh I forgot to say how I knew he had calmed down. He brought me three slices of takeaway pizza on a plate. I suppose a peace offering is a peace offering

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abbierhodes · 19/12/2009 00:02

He left her outside the bathroom? I was going to apologise and say that my last post was a little hasty, but that is not normal behaviour you know.

On the plus side, glad to hear you're feeling better. It's amazing what even a short period of time to yourself can do. Your priority is to do whatever it takes to make yourself well, stress free and happy. THEN you will have the strength to deal with him and his shitty behaviour.

You need to calmly explain to him that he is only any use to you as an equal partner. Hope that doesn't sound too mechanical, but honestly, if he's neither a loving husband nor a good father, he has no place in your life. Hopefully, stating this calmly and honestly will be enough to shock him into pulling his finger out.

You have two 'passengers' in your household, there is no room for another.

Hope tomorrow is brighter for you.

ButterPie · 19/12/2009 00:10

He did tell me she was there. I will have a word when he is calm, sober and happy tomorrow. When he is in a good mood, he can't do enough for us, so could be the time to give him a list of absolutes (he doesn't seem able to cope unless I am very specific) for what I need off him.

Seriously though, does my list up there seem reasonable? He does work full time in a warehouse, so he does get tired, but I think that seems like a small list of things to ask.

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ButterPie · 19/12/2009 00:15

Oh, and I had a mince pie in the bath. It was crap. I am going to the co-op tomorrow and buying a packet of them. The guests don't want my crap baking

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abbierhodes · 19/12/2009 00:27

Your list is more than reasonable.

I've done both WOHM and SAHM, and am now lucky enough to be working but with a partner at home...I do not kid myself that my job is more tiring than his! Looking after children all day is no picnic. Of course he's tired, but so are you. You are doing a full time job the same as him. (If he had to employ someone to replace you, how much would it cost him? Nanny, chef, cleaner, ironing lady etc)
On top of this, you are unwell, recovering from surgery and sleep deprived. He needs to grow up and support you like a man, not a teenage boy.

If it makes you feel better, my DH and I have been where you are. It took him longer than me to realise just how much work being a parent entailed, and to pull his weight effectively. Two years on he's a SAHD and loving it and I can't fault him.

So perhaps my 'leave him' comment was hasty, but he needs to understand exactly what you need from him. Give him the opportunity to put his side as long as he's calm. With us, my DH felt I was too controlling and didn't trust him with the DCs. I'd criticise what he'd dressed them in or fed them, without meaning to.

If he's worth 'working on' you'll manage it. But I want to repeat, looking after yourself is your main priority first of all. Happy mum=happy family.

Sorry for rambling, I'm off to bed now.

ButterPie · 19/12/2009 00:34

Thanks

Imagine you were a man, almost autistic in your personality, not sure how to deal with your two kids and partner. would my list be specific enough for you or would you need actual times and numbers, maybe a link to a scientific study?

Seriously, we are dealing with a man who had a comic book as his mastermind specialist subject (I have just been informed by a helpful RL friend that my cover on here is blown anyway, so no harm in mentioning that I suppose!) so we need geek-friendly instructions.

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ButterPie · 19/12/2009 00:41

Also, I have been told by DP, my own mum AND my nana that I should be happy he comes home at all after going for a drink and that he does cook sometimes. Also that I should be overjoyed that he "lets" me be both a sahm and in charge of the money. Surely the women are just being mad there? Or have I been reading the Guardian too much and should just accept my destiny as a character from a Catherine Cookson novel?

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ButterPie · 19/12/2009 00:43

and, ffs, why am I still up after all this moaning about being tired?

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brandybutterfly · 19/12/2009 00:50

Are you happy that he comes home at all after a drink?

Or are you resentful and miffed?

Yeees, thought so...welcome to the 21st century. Good lord, I hate it when older generations say stuff like that.

My mum says to me "DH will leave if you talk to him that way" (ie when he's being an arse) - We've been married 10 years. She's been divorced 3 times.

YANBU. But YABU for taking a mince pie into the bath. Next time take a !

abbierhodes · 19/12/2009 00:51

Firstly...yes, I think your instructions are clear, but remove the word 'try' from any instructions. This is what you expect, end of. (Of course you can be more reasonable in practice, but you don't want to set out with the idea that you are not serious)
Also, specify how much time (in hours) he should spend with you on days off. (I hope this doesn't sound ridiculous, I actually work with people who have aspergers so know a little about it!)

Secondly, yes, your mother and grandmother are absolutely barking! Well, to be fair, they're setting their standards by a different generation.

Right, now I'm off to bed. Keep us posted...I hope you can sort him out!

ButterPie · 19/12/2009 00:58

Thanks I think I will write the instructions out, then he can refer to them as and when he needs to. I have been with him now for nearly four years, and have tried being subtle. The man clearly needs sledgehammer techniques!

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