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AIBU?

My mother: am I already trying to be a bad mum?!

18 replies

JaneS · 18/12/2009 20:53

This is my first thread, so please be gentle with me!

At the moment, I'm just beginning a PhD (after a couple of years out) and my partner and I are getting married next summer. Our problem is that my mother constantly makes contradictory hints about children, and I'm finding it increasingly hard to be patient.

Sometimes she will warn me that I shouldn't leave it 'too late' (in her book, probably all of 28!), and other times she tells me that I should make sure of my 'career'. But the real problem is that she has made it clear that there are things she would consider to be beyond the pale: leaving a small child at nursery, not teaching my own children to read, etc. All things I want to do, but I do also have some realism!

I know I'm dead lucky that she's there and she's interested (and she is really a good mum), but am I being unreasonable to feel caught between a rock and a hard place? I love my PhD work, and I really do want children (as does my partner), but I can't help feeling my mum is assuming nothing has changed since she became a mum, when it was financially easy to stay at home.

Please tell me - should be firmer with her? Or should I humour her?

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addictedtochristmas · 18/12/2009 21:01

you should do what ever your situation dictates.

its not down to your mum. sometimes you just need to smile and nod whilst thinking, this isnt your decision.

parenting is personal to your family and your situation, have children when your ready and if you want to put your children in nusery, with a childminder, hire a nanny or take on an au pair thats your sdecision and no one elses.

MrsDermotOleary · 18/12/2009 21:03

You have to do what is right for you and your partner. Just nod politely and then change the subject. Having kids is a massive commitment. You have to be true to yourself, don't try to please others. Things are very different these days. As for teaching your child to read (or not) that's a long way in the future! It sounds like you have a good idea of what you want from the next few years, good on you. Concentrate on where you are now and enjoy!

Portofino · 18/12/2009 21:08

At the end of the day it is none of her business! I was brought up by my grandmother, and when I got pg at the grand old age of 35 she was horrified. She couldn't even pretend to be pleased as she assumed it was the end of my career etc etc.

My career never ended, I did do nursery, but still have plenty of time to teach dd to read. And "Nanny" now totally dotes on DD.

JaneS · 18/12/2009 21:12

Thanks so much! I have to say, I don't feel I have to ask for her 'ok' - she'd be thrilled if I announced a pregnancy. But it's hard to know how to forewarn her that I probably can't afford to spend the first ten years of my child's life at home. If I say that, I feel as if I'm judging her - she stayed home because my younger brother (who is very dyslexic; it runs in the family) couldn't read well until he was 12. She taught him one-to-one.

I guess what I should have said more clearly is, what if my child/children would be benefited by having me at home a lot of the time? Is it bad to have children if I know that they will most likely need some private schooling, but that I may not be able to provide it?

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MrsDermotOleary · 18/12/2009 21:17

Personally I feel children benefit hugely from being at home with one carer for the first 18 months or so, then a good nursery can be a fantastic place for them. They learn social skills and get to experience all kinds of fun activities they wouldn't necessarily do at home.
Just out of interest, why would your child need private schooling?

Portofino · 18/12/2009 21:20

But that is all speculation. Before I had dd, my drive to work took me past a primary school. I used to think that as i couldn't afford to pack in my job, and therefore be one of those mothers at the school gate, I wouldn't be having any kids.

Yet lo and behold, after one drunken holiday there was dd, and no, I never got to be one of those mothers at the school gate, well at least not a gentle saunter to school at 8.45 anyway. But it has been fab! Dd is gorgeous. I wouldn't change things for the world. There are a million different ways to be a parent.

InMyLittleHead · 18/12/2009 21:24

You have to ignore everything your mother says or you'll go mad. Isn't that some kind of law of nature?

AmericanHag · 18/12/2009 21:30

It sounds like your mother is conflicted. On the one hand, she wants grandchildren...badly. On the other hand, she wants you to be independent and get your career in place before you have a child. She likely thinks that motherhood will derail your career.

I wouldn't worry about HER worrying until you actually have a pregnancy to announce. Right now, this is all balloon juice.

waddlelikeaduck · 18/12/2009 21:32

i'd like to add to what the others have said, having kids and how you raise them is down to you and your dp. I have a 10 year old ds and went back to work full time when he was 3 months old. It was hard but necessary and he's turned out great, he's smart, funny, kind and sociable. I ve since divorced, went back to uni when he was 4 and held down two part time jobs too, remarried when he was 8 and am now a third of the way through my phd. I have a 3 week old dd and am enjoying the flexibility that doing a phd gives, i have 6 months paid leave and then can fit work around dd and dh shifts to ensure she has me or dh caring for her until she is about 2!

Going back to work is harder on the parents than the kids and as long as you have a happy and healthy home they will be fine!

brandybutterfly · 18/12/2009 21:45

NOT teaching your child to read?!

Why wouldn't you?

JaneS · 18/12/2009 21:47

Thanks for the replies!

MrsDermotOLeary - I don't know my (putative) children would need private school - it's my mother who thinks that!

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Portofino · 18/12/2009 22:34

Odds are when you get round to it (at a time of your choosing) your kids will be absolutely fine! There are plenty of mums on here with SN dcs. I am not aware of many who have needed to go down the private route (but I can't really comment). Certainly my nephew has Aspergers and has thrived in mainstream education.

JaneS · 18/12/2009 23:46

Portofino, thanks for that post! My mother (bless her) is convinced that I will have severely dyslexic/mildly aspergers children and that they won't cope with state schools. I really am glad to know she's not always right ...

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InMyLittleHead · 19/12/2009 01:30

LRD - how the hell would she know that? She sounds like my mother, who will say 'But xyz will happen' when there is absolutely no indication that it will. She is a natural pessimist. She also does the 'don't leave it too late but don't wreck your career' thing. So now I just don't talk listen to her.

diddl · 19/12/2009 09:16

I didn´t teach my children to read.
Was I supposed to?

GrendelsMum · 19/12/2009 17:11

I used to get these dire and contradictory warnings from my own mum - I think that the situation was often that she wanted to warn me about the things that she'd found very difficult, which by a coincidence happened to be conceiving, and having academic career with small children. I suspect your mum might be in the same situation.

Without wanting to be the voice of gloom, I think that your mum is right about some things, and has other worries that probably aren't justifiable but are based on her own experienced. Realistically, an academic career is tough, and it's very tough to do a PhD with small children. And then things don't get hugely easier when you're in your first job after your PhD. And fertility does start to decline at some point...

I think all you can say is to acknowledge her experience, and that things aren't easy, and that she does want you to learn from her experience, and say that things are no easier since she was a young woman, and that, like her, you're just going to have to balance things as best you can.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 19/12/2009 17:30

Darlin, you're borrowing trouble.
Now, before you have children, you have no idea how you will feel.

You may desperately want to stay at home, and if thats the case, you will find a way.
You may desperately want to go back to work.
There's always compromise, and most mums feel guilty about something - goes with the territory.

Either way it will be YOUR choice.

JaneS · 19/12/2009 21:00

Thanks everyone, really appreciated. I feel much better about going for the 'appreciated; not always right' line now.

purpleduck - I do understand I can't yet know how I'll feel. I don't have any kind of ideological problem with working, or with staying at home (finances may be another matter, of course!), so I'm not in the least trying to go for a particular option here. It's just tricky - my mum is lovely, but not the sort of person who'll quietly ignore the fact you're not drinking with dinner ... no modestly announced pregnancies likely, I think!

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