To be livid with DH?

[ShinyAndNew]

I really don't know if I am BU on this one or not. But atm I am fuming, but not surprised that he could be so bloody inconsiderate of my family.

I got asked to work extra last night and in the run upto to Christmas I need the money. PLus I have already said no to every bit of overtime offered and had to miss 3 shifts due to childcare problems. And I have only been there two months.

My sister, who has 3 children by 7of her own all under 6 agreed to look after my two (both under 6 also). DH arranged to finish work early so he could collect them at 7pm so that my sis could get her three bathed and bed by 7:30 as they all have to at school/nursery by 7:30am this morning. So that my sis can get to work at 8am. DH knows this.

He rang her at 7pm to say that he just got off the bus and was going to his mums to see if she needed anything from the shops. It has been snowing here and is very icy and his mum is elderly, has osteoperisis (sp?) and a broken wrist, so my sis understood that and didn't mind. After all his mum only lives around the corner from both her and his mum.

At 8pm he still hadn't turned up so she rang him and he said he would be two minutes away. at 8:15 she rang him again and he claimed to be on his way to her house and told her where he was (which would have took less than a minute walk). He eventually turned up at 8:40pm. No apology, just told my sister that his mum had been upset and he needed to be with her.

His mum lost her first born GC earlier this year, so obv the run upto to xmas will be upsetting for. My sister understands that. But he could have least rang her and let her know so that she could either bring the dc to him, make other arrangements for them or tell him sorry but he needs to come and collect HIS children.

y sis is lovely and would probably have told him not to rush and then rang my mum to come and help her.

As it her DP had to miss a pre booked and pre paid for gym class, she didn't her dc to bed untill 10pm, neice is knackered for her last day of school and cried all the way there and my sis had to spend £6 getting herself and her boys to the nursery she works in today.

She didn't get to sit down and relax untill nearly midnight because she had packed lunches to make and clothes to get ready for the next day as well as a bath herself.

Understandably she no longer wants to look after my dc, which means after xmas I am screwed as far as childcare and might have to leave my job.

So AIBU to be utterly furious with DH?

[ShinyAndNew]

Blimey that's long, sorry. I didn't want to miss anything out and do AIBU by stealth

[merrycompo]

why did her dp have to miss his gym class and why did she need to pay £6 this morning (what has that got to do with your dp?)

I dont know

it sounds like he spoke to her a few times

i would have thought family would have been understandin gthat he wanted to see his mum

they don't do much on the last day of term anyway

[Openbook]

YANBU but this one that time might heal. It's in your own interest in so many ways to get over this fairly soon.

[GoddessRidingSantasSleigh]

yanbu my dp does this to my mum more times than i can count. its so frustrating and i feel so bad for her. why do men not realise that people have reasons as to why they say a particular time?

[ShinyAndNew]

He missed his Gym class because he had to help her with 5 children all under 6. Everytime he spoke to her he told her he was on his way, so her DP kept hanging on untill it was too late to go.

She slept in and her dc were knackered this morning and took ages getting ready so they had to get a Taxi to school and thent o her workplace.

They're not annoyed that he was with his mum, they understand that, they are just annoyed that he didn't originally say "look my mum is really upset about X (her GC) I need to stay with her" And then my sis could have either took the dds to him or rang me or my mum.

This is not the first time he has done this. My gran will no longer babysit for me because of him turning up very late and my mum is very pee'd off with him for constantly being late top collect the dds from her too.

[merrycompo]

is he just thoughtless or doesnt he like looking aftewr them on his own?
your poor siter no wonder she is upset

[ShinyAndNew]

A bit of both I think Merry. Plus he is very self orientated. So long as he is okay, then the world is fine, sod everyone else.

He seems to think we have this god given right to have our children cared for whenever we feel like it and gets very annoyed when people refuse. He has called my Gran every name under the sun before because she wouldn't babysit. She cannot manage both of our DC as dd2 is very high maintenance. I am 40 yrs younger than my gran, they are my children and I struggle to cope with them most of the time.

What gets me though is he wanted me to work. He went and got me the job. Surely he understood then that HE must care for our children while I am at work, and keep the babysitters appeased rather than messing them about?

[ginnybag]

You seem to have an issue with your DH not understanding his responsibilities. It's very nice of him to go and check on his mum, and I can see why he would want to, given the weather, but he also had a duty to pick up the kids when and where he said he would.

If he's done this before, which you've said he has, then the whole 'I was with my mum thing and she was upset' is just a convenient excuse anyway. He clearly doesn't get that other people are not just there for his convenience.

In terms of your relations with your sister, can you offer to pay for the taxi and the gym class (or can your husband, since it was his fault?) That might go some way to smoothing things over. The only thing you can do there is apologise, apologise, apologise and - more importantly - make your husband apologise immediately.

You need to sit down and talk to him about this. He isn't reliable when it comes to the arrangements for his kids and that's not on. Explain exactly what you have here - that without the childcare you receive from family, you'll have to stop working and that he is the reason these people are saying no more and ask him what he'd like to do.

It would only be worse if you were paying someone for care btw. There's no CM or nursery who would stand for nearly two hours late like that.