to think that my husband DOESN'T want to save our marriage -sorry long, but I'm desperate for opinions

[hesruinedmylife]

hi all, I have namechanged and I am completely devastated by what has happened to me. However I'd like some honest opinions, hence I came on the AIBU. Excuse my english, it's my second language and I have been crying for over 24 hours, so bare with me please. Will try to keep this short, where possible.

Met DH almost 5 years ago, both fell madly in love, engaged only thre months later, all in all, 17 months after we met we were married with a baby. Twenty months later a second one arrived. They are now 3.4 and 20 months

DH is a fantastic dad, very hands on, he never saw the babies as "my job" and they adore him. He's a bit changed though as a person. I can't tell exactly when this happened, but I believe it's around the time DC2 arrived. We moved country 3 years ago and came to live near my family and take over the family bussiness. DH is extremely stressed about work, much more than it's logical, to the point that sometimes I feel he puts it before the family. It wouldn't bother me so much if the bussiness depended on him physically being there 6 days a week, but it doesn't it's not of such nature. I will stay at home from work if he needs me (if he's ill or needs help with something around the house) but he won't do the same for me. It bothers me terribly that he kinda looks down on me if I suggest we both take the day off to do such and such (things that NEED doing), as if I'm lazy. I am very hardworking btw and he knows it.

I'm saying all this to give you a taste of the relationship. We have been having HUGE communication issues. We argue almost every day but the arguments are for pathetic reasons, like "why did you look at me funny?", I swear to god this can turn into a 30'argument. I think the biggest problem is that he doesn't talk. I've beeged a billion tiimes, it has brought us to talk about divorce in the past. He's not the man I used to know, with a song in his heart and a smile on his lips. He's always moody. And when we argue I tie my stmach in knots while he's forgotten about it all 10 seconds later.

Anyway, last night he did something that I consider terrible. Please, I won't tell what, it's irrelevant. The fact is that with all our problems we do love each other more than anything else on the world. But I could have sworn and bet my life that he'd never do this thing. My entire world was crumbled in a matter of seconds. Everything I believed we had, it all dissappeared. I can easily forgive him his mastake, for which he has apologised and assumed full responsibility, but I don't think I can ever ever trust him again. His word doesn't mean shit anymore. I WANT to believe him, but HOW?

After a night of us starign at each other and crying not knowing what has happened to us, this morning he was avoiding even to look at me. So I held his hand and he cuddled me. I told him that I love him but this is going to take time and he said "of course". Somehow it seems that he thought this means it's all good!!

I stayed home today and spent the day crying, when the kids came back from nursery I took them to my mum's because I couldn't do anything but cry. I thought he'd try to connect with me. I don't want him to grovel or anything, but IT IS his fault we're here. Maybe offer to go for a drink or even watch a movie together at home FFS. Just show me you want to spend time with me.

I thought I'd help him out and suggested that we do together something tomorrow morning when the kids are at school. He went nuts and abruptly said "I have to go to work". There's absolutely nothing going on at work on the week before christmas, nobody else is there. I waned to scream "I have to go to work too moron but I'm trying to save our marriage, it's going down the drain and you just stand there and watch it".

I feel devastated beyond words, if we didn't have children I'd be out of here for a few days, just to get some perspective.

AIBU to expect him to show me that he gives a shit about US???

[overmydeadbody]

It sounds like you both "fell in love" with each other (which isn't real love by the way) and now that that has passed (and it always passes) real love hasn't taken it's place.

I don;t think you are being unreasonable. It sounds like your DH feels trapped in a situation he isn't happy in, and you sound that way too.

Perhaps yours is not a marriage worth 'saving'?

[overmydeadbody]

For example, why are you putting all the blame onto him? Even your username is laying all the blame on him. He is not responsible for your life, so he hasn't ruined it.

[DuchestnutsOfAvon]

Phew! You sound so very distressed - it's obviously all got to be too much - culminating in whatever he did yesterday.

I can only give my observations based on what is jumping out at me.

You have met, married, had two kids, reloacted and taken over your family's business - all in an incredibly short space of time. That's a whole load of upheaval for any couple to cope with. It sounds like all that has taken its toll on your communication and that you are not connecting at all.

Its hard to tell where he is coming from - and not knowing what the incident was. But he's fitiing into your family business. Is he also from that part of the wrold or has this been a shift of country or language for him too? I guess I am wondering about what additional strains have been sitting with him.

Anyway - your comment about gettin perspective seems to be the most salient. Can anyone take the kids and give you two some time to go away and try to talk? Sounds like a real heart to heart is needed.

[hesruinedmylife]

I don't put all the blame on him, only for this specific thing which was entirely his fault. The username is a personal old joke.

btw, I'm grateful for all opinions, I'm not being defensive, only explaining things

[CirrhosisByTheSea]

Just because you have children doesn't mean you can't have a few days out - they do have a father....yes he has work but if you're not there they are his responsibility. Or get away with the kids for a few days.

I would say counselling would be a good idea to re-train you both how to communicate with eachother. Or just for you, if he won't go. It can still help. Maybe it would help you communicate to him, what you want from him...

Don't forget you have two young kids under 5. Be kind to your marriage - there IS no harder time. It doesn't get harder than this but it does get easier as the kids get older. Just because it's very bad at the moment doesn't mean it will always be a bad marriage. You have not known eachother that long, you have had children early on and even moved countries. You have asked an awful lot of eachother really. You can't expect it to be easy.

[hesruinedmylife]

the kids would be very happy with my parents but there's no way he'd go away and miss out a work day of ...nothing at this time of the year. Also my mother might give them chocolate

OK, I'm being a arse now, he really is a lovely man, he left his country (he's british) and had to sope with a new culture and language. I'm not saying it has been an easy trip. But I love him so deeply and I wish he could show me the same

[CirrhosisByTheSea]

I think counselling. It really does sound as if communication is the issue here. You both sound committed enough to the life you have chosen and to your kids.

Also I think for men it can be very different. To him, perhaps the fact he has left the country to start a new life in yours, he's had children with you, taken on your family business....how much more committed can he be, from his point of view?!

[Morloth]

That is a LOT of stuff going on in a very short amount of time, really heaps - I know I would be cracking under the strain. From single, to married with two kids and living in another country in what? 4 years or so?

I think counselling would be a great idea and also try to cut each other as much slack as you can (obviously not sacrificing yourself into the bargain). Can you maybe organise a night out on the weekend instead of a workday?

[Maveta]

Are you the same poster I think you are? If so this thing he did is not irrelevant at all..

I think he is very unhappy, and so are you, and he wants out while you try to cling on to what you had. If you are determined to stay I think you should try couples counselling. If he is not willing to do this or explore the reasons why he did what he did, I think you should seriously think about leaving him.

apologies if I have misunderstood and you are not the same (but I think you are)

[hesruinedmylife]

maveta, I'm sorry but I think you have misunderstood. I haven't mentioned my dh even before on mn.

he doesn't want out, I know this much. My greatest fear is that I might wake up one day and decide that I want out...

[Maveta]

ok, sorry.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

you will have to tell us what he did last night

[hesruinedmylife]

anyfucker, that's cheeky. IT IS irrelevant, what matters is that it broke the trust, I thought I was married to a stranger... Well... maybe I am

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

why mention it if it is irrelevant ?

anyway, it is up to you if you want to tell of course

whatever, neither of you seems very happy at the moment

I would be worried too if he so obviously would rather be at work (when not needed) than at home with his family...

[Maveta]

How can it be irrelevant? It sounds like a pivotal moment which has brought everything to a head. You obviously don´t want to talk about it so short answer - neither of you sound happy - no YANBU to expect your dh to show he gives a shit about his family. Shouldn´t the question be: where are you going to go from here?

I hope you find a way forward through all of this as I am sure it is a difficult and distressing time.

[WhoIsAskingSantaForCake]

OK,

I can understand a little bit where you're coming from having been in a similar relationship with my XH. We were married within a year of meeting and our first DS was born 2 months later. We went on to have another child 3 years later.

I think the whirlwind aspect (I saw it as terribly romantic at the time) meant that we didn't have an opportunity as a couple to get to know one another. To learn where our boundaries lay, and what the real deal breakers were. We didn't communicate effectively. I was so tired from the 2 children and working full time, and he was out escaping working literally 7 days a week. I know what you mean about your DH going to work, even when you can't see a reason for it. I know why my DH went to work all the time. It was to get away from our arguments, the constant, wearing bickering.

I too begged and cried, pleaded and cajoled, but when we was there? Well, we got right back to the arguments again. It was exhausting.

I was bloody glad in the end TBH. Glad he was at work and not getting on my case. I warned him and warned him, we're chipping away at our love here- it won't last forever, and I was right (We had other HUGE problems which I'm not about to bore you with)

I think your DH hit you. And you're scared to say it because we'll all tell you to leave, and you love him and you're in a horrible situation and it's all too awful to face.

I know what happened in my situation and I hope I'm wrong. ANYWAY, I can't really advise you unless I know what the terrible thing was, not really, because I may advise you to take a course of action which will be dangerous for you and your children, or I may advise you to over react and make a salvageable relationship unsalvageable.

Don't be scared. Loads of us will have been wherever you're standing now, if not me then another, wiser MNer.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

yes, I think he hit you too

I thought that straight away

[hesruinedmylife]

he didn't hit me. He gets upset when I kill flies. I wouldn't have described him as a lovely man.

OK, I'm too embarashed to say what happened even though this is an anonymous thread. Let's say it was something as "innocent" as flirting with someone else. Yes, this is a good equivalent. It wasn't terrible in it's own right, but it burst the bubble IYKWIM. He now says that he can't believe he did it and he'll never do it again. Why should I believe him? I never thought he would in the first place.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

come on... spit it out

did he kiss someone else ?

[hesruinedmylife]

Aaargh, he came in to announce that the kitchen is all sorted out now and he's off to bed, he's knackered
Maybe IABU. The whole thing sounds ridiculous but it's this apathy on his part that upsets me

[Georgimama]

I'm sorry but the fact that you are prepared to come here and ask us for help and advice, but refuse to explain this pivotal, yet innocent thing he has done which has destroyed everything is pretty indicitive to me of why there are communication problems in your marriage.

Is he just escaping? Are you really sure work is as hunky dory as you say? I have known men pretend to go to the office when they had been made redundant months earlier. It's a cliche but it does actually happen.

[hesruinedmylife]

no, he wouldn't cheat. Let's say he flirted. With someone whose nipples don't touch the floor when she takes her bra off and she can't fit three tampons in her vagina during her period.

[hesruinedmylife]

it's a family business, I'm there too. Actually he does my head in a lot at work too.

[MeltedTreeChocolates]

That could be taken to mean a slag or a very young women depending how you look at it???