in thinking that this is an OTT punishment for my child?

[Vallhala]

My 12 yo DD has been bullied a great deal in school, which is only now starting to be addressed. As a result she has refused to attend on occasion and has lashed out, verbally and/or physically, for which she has been punished. Here I have supported the school whilst expressing deep dissatisfaction regarding their lack of action on the bullying.

Yesterday DD caused an injury to a lad and as a result received a day's inhouse exclusion - put in the school's "inclusion" or "isolation" room under strict supervision and away from her peers.

BUT... the injury was an accident, caused by DD stupidly high-kicking whilst playing about with her friends. The lad concerned is a good friend and said so, other children who saw what happened said so, the staff have accepted that it was an accident. I have no problem with DD being punished for her dangerous behaviour, it was a bloody silly thing to do, but AIBU to think that putting her in the isolation room for the day, with the subsequent requirement of being on report (where if she forgets to get the report card completed and signed every lesson and by me in the evening she will get a detention), is a bit draconian?

[ChunkyKitKat]

How bad was the injury?

Did the staff accept it was an accident after it was decided the injury was uninitentionally done? Maybe they think they have to stick to what they've decided to do.

Sorry to hear your dd has been bullied, hope it gets sorted.

[Vallhala]

The injury apparently caused "a small mark on the boy's nose" Chunky and the staff told me that they had spent an hour interviewing DD2, the lad, and other children who witnessed the incident, all of whom said it was an accident. The school accepted it was an accident but considered DDs actions to be worthy of punishment by putting her in the exclusion room anyway.

[LaurieFairyonthetreeeatscake]

Well surely the difficulty is that then other children would say that they kicked someone in the face accidentally.

You can't spend your whole life in school discerning intent. It's just 'if someone gets kicked in the face there's a consequence, this is what it is'.

I'm fond of quoting Judge Judy on accidents - "that's why they're called accidents and not on-purposes - doesn't mean you don't have to pay"

[Vallhala]

Fair enough Laurie, but in DDs school punishment seems to be very inconsistant. Some of those who have deliberately and admittedly hurt her have had far lesser punishment.

I'm not trying to indicate that DD is an angel, she's far from it but I would like others' opinions before I read the school's deputy the riot act - I fear that I am so pissed off with some aspects of the schools treatment of DD that it may be clouding my judgement.

[LaurieFairyonthetreeeatscake]

I think that may be true seeing as the first stuff you posted was background bullying stuff.

Punishments are supposed to be consistent (which is why background stuff should not be relevant as it should just be based on individual incidents) - the fact its not consistent would really piss me off and I would be asking about their behaviour management policies.

Good luck

[mumblechum]

It does sound like an accident, but a preventable one, however I think the punishment is a bit harsh if even the lad says it was an accident.

FFS they're forever bashing heads against noses in football etc, why should the fact it was a girl make it any different?

[Heqet]

She didn't intend to hurt him, but her - let's be honest - foolish actions directly caused him to be hurt - that's still her fault and I suppose she was punished more for the daftness of high kicking, for not using her noggin?

It does seem like a large punishment for what was thoughtless messing rather than an attack. Especially when you say that those who act in a deliberately malicious way are not punished as harshly?

I would certainly go to them, list examples of that and ask for an explanation.

[kinnies]

Sounds a bit ott

[SE13Mummy]

I'd ask the school for a copy of their behaviour policy whilst perhaps making the point that you want your daughter to see in print that silly behaviour/that which causes harm is dealt with consistently regardless of intent... if the school aren't able to provide that then you have a good starting point for discussion with the Deputy.

[confuddledDOTcom]

I think people have missed your point. Your daughter is bullied and the bullies are getting away with it whereas she accidentally hurt her friend when she was messing around and gets punished. You understand that your daughter needs to be punished because she was doing something that was going to lead to someone getting hurt but you can't understand why the school aren't taking the same hard line with the bullies as they are with her.

I agree, they're being totally inconsistent and they need to deal with the bullying she's going through. Using your daughter's experience of punishment they need to be taking an even harder line!

[Goblinchild]

The difference might be that the boy had a visible mark after physical contact, that usually triggers a more serious sanction.
Agree about the lack of consistency and needing to pin the school down to its behaviour policy.

[confuddledDOTcom]

I am covered in marks, not sure where they all came from seems to be a lot of scratches at the moment. I've been in two abusive relationships, one who never left a mark and one who did. I've been bullied at school. Marks are irrelevent - especially accidental - emotional, verbal, mental abuse is far worse than a red mark that heals.

[CirrhosisByTheSea]

I agree it's over the top for something that was agreed as an accident by all concerned.

Your dd will get angry and resentful of the school if they don't deal with her bullies then come down hard on her.

However for you as a parent I think these are two seperate issues. You won't get a decent reply if you say 'Why don't you deal with so and so instead of punishing my daughter?" They will just think you're trying to deflect attention away from your DD. I think you need to focus ONLY on why she was punished so severely for an accident.

If you want to talk again about bullying she is experiencing, make a seperate appointment

I think doing it this way will give you more power to actually get a reasonable explanation - if there is one!

[yummyyummyyummy]

If it had been deliberate then I think she would have been suspended.The fact is that whatever her intentions she was behaving in a dangerous way and caused an injury to another youngster.

[claw3]

What consequences have the school used to deal with the bullies?

[mattellie]

Vallhala, is the bullying your DD is suffering physical in nature? If so, I have found the threat to involve the police tends to focus the school?s minds fairly effectively?

They don?t take verbals very seriously, but if it?s escalated into pushing/shoving, hitting etc, they are obliged to take the allegations as seriously as any other assault ? that it is happening in school does not preclude police involvement.