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AIBU?

My Husband goes for drinks after work freqently and often does not tell me when he is coming home.

68 replies

PANCHEY · 15/12/2009 07:56

My DH works very hard, or at least this is his propaganda.

He goes out for drinks often. We have two DDs of four and five months.

The issue is, he goes out and does not tell me, then arrives home when he feels like it. Rarely answers his phone, and if he does tell me when he is coming home rarely sticks to it.

He does not seem to get that although he is often networking, that I am stuck at home with a breastfed baby, who feeds most of the evening and needs to be held when not feeding, who does not go to bed until 10.30pm. His actions mean I get no break, and feel incredibly isolated. I am so angry with him. He thinks I am being unreasonable. I think that he acting like a petulant teenager, being totally inconsiderate.

I am not even saying that he should not go out, just want him to tell me when he is going to come home, so that I have an idea when I might get a little respite. I do not think that this is unreasonable. I do ask him not to go out for days in a row, but this week he is out tonight and tomorrow night. He has told me he will be leaving at 7pm tonight, but last week he said he would leave a 'do' at 8pm but then left at 9.30 meaning that I got no respite whatsoever and did not know where he was into the bargain as he arrived home absolutely out of his head at 11.30. Oh and by the way on many of these occasions I cook him dinner that he then does not eat.

No matter what I say, and I am totally explicit about the impact of his behaviour on me, the more I tell him the more he seems to do it, he is like a ruddy teenager testing his boundaries. Then the next day obviously I carry the can again as he gets over his hangover.

OP posts:

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PANCHEY · 15/12/2009 07:59

Sometimes he arrives home much later than this, meaning that he wakes me up when he gets home (if I actually sleep at all), then baby wakes at 5.30 for a feed. DD1 then wakes up at 6.30am ...which I usualy deal with as well.

With two "me time" is limited I accept this, but well AIBU?

OP posts:

wordsonascreen · 15/12/2009 08:07

I wouldn't cook his dinner unless I was absolutely sure he was there to eat it.

Bf babies are a pain and you will be tied for the time being, that will change, not sure if your DH will.

If I'm out dh knows I'll be home gone 1am (last train)

All this leave at 8pm crap never works when in vino veritas.

SqueezinAroundTheXmasTree · 15/12/2009 08:07

Networking = fannying around getting pissed! Well it seems to be the case with him anyway.

You are so not being unreasonable and he is taking the piss. It's not on. OK, you don't mind him having a night out here and there, nothing wrong with that but do you ever get the chance to do that? Or does he take you out as a couple?

I think he ought to spend a bit more time networking with his family and showing some responsibility in his life. Why should you constantly carry the can for him? This is something that will build resentment in you over time because you are giving up things to be a parent.....and he isn't. You need to be able to rely on him, he is 50% responsible. He needs to respect you as an equal.

piscesmoon · 15/12/2009 08:09

YANBU. He is treating you like a nanny/housekeeper rather than equal partner. Sit him down and tell him that you are not having it. If he won't take you seriously suggest Relate. I would get a calendar and he has to put down in advance where he is going and the timing. He must be contactable in case of emergencies. Make sure that you develop a hobby and go out-get your date down on the calendar and if you are first down he has to be in to look after his DCs.Go shopping on Saturday and leave him to look after the DCs. Make him a hands on father. Don't let it carry on-he will get worse. He isn't single and fancy free-much as he might like it.

SnailWhaleTail · 15/12/2009 08:11

go to your mum's house for a rest!

Seriously, I would probably give it til the New Year to decide how much you can take and in the meantime don't cook him meals or organise your evening around him and make it clear that if he turns up drunk or after you have gone to bed he can sleep in the spare room / on the sofa.

AllarmBells · 15/12/2009 08:13

YANBU

This is totally unacceptable.
It's not on that he doesn't help you at all when you have two kids, one of whom is so tiny. He should realise that working is if anything the easy option (or it would be if he didn't spend so long hungover) compared to looking after a school child and a BF baby. You might as well be a single parent.

I would take the "networking" excuse with a bucket of salt. I can't imagine what sort of work he does in this day and age where "networking" involves getting legless in a pub most nights. Turning up to something and showing his face and having one drink which can be a soft one might possibly have some benefit to his career, but not getting drunk in a pub. It sounds to me like he has some sort of drink problem, even if it's only that he craves the "freedom" of being off his face rather than a full-blown chemical dependency on alcohol. Now he is a father, he needs to grow out of this, however old he is.

You need to sit him down and get him to listen to you. Perhaps "I'm concerned that you have a drink problem" might work better than "I really need your help with the kids", although the second is equally valid.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 15/12/2009 08:14

YANBU. What are you getting from this relationship emotionally?

Tortington · 15/12/2009 08:16

am sorry but hell no.

i wouldn't be cooking anymore, and if my dh treated me with the distinct lack of consideration and respect that your dh is treating you with, he would come home to find his shit in the front garden.

wordsonascreen · 15/12/2009 08:16

Is your dd the 4 year old at school?

How often is often?

Tortington · 15/12/2009 08:17

don't you go anywhere - tell him to fuck of to his mums....with his shit from the garden

wordsonascreen · 15/12/2009 08:17

And what was he like pre kids?

Turning off a phone is inexusable BTW

TisTheSeasonToBeHully · 15/12/2009 08:30

Kill him. Sort the insurance first. Seriously he is a complete and utter arse.

sarah293 · 15/12/2009 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Fibilou · 15/12/2009 08:49

If this is happening again and again, you've tried to deal with it and he's just getting more ridiculous then I would simply lock him out next time.

My husband is very similar that he is extremely stubborn and the more he is asked/told to do something the more he won't do it. Sometimes I have to take really extreme action to make him do things but it does generally work.

foxinsocks · 15/12/2009 08:49

has he always been like this?

girlafraid · 15/12/2009 08:51

He is behaving very immaturely, but not sure how you get him to see that this is NOT ON

Do you get on with his mother? Could she help? Maybe involving someone else would get him to see how serious this is.
Is there any way you could express a couple of bottles (or use a bit of formula even) and leave him at home all day while you go out so he cabn have a taste of the high life?

mistletoekisses · 15/12/2009 09:00

YANBU

His behaviour is utterly inexusable.
Out of all of you have listed, him turning his phone off has me in . Who on earth does he think he is?

The networking? Total and utter excuses. I work with some very senior people for whom networking is essential. But they are home at least 5 nights out of 7 with their families!

He sounds like someone who doesnt want the responsibility of a family and doesnt give any thought as to the impact of his actions on you. Until he changes his priorities; I honestly dont know what you can do/ say to make him change his behaviours.

Is there anyone who can watch your DC's while you sit him down and have a serious conversation with him?
As someone else has suggested, can you go to your mothers?

Dare I also ask - do you think he is playing away? The phone being switched off would send alarm bells off in my head. Sorry if that question is out of order.

wannaBe · 15/12/2009 09:12

yanbu.

I would never stand for it.

I have to say him switching his phone off would ring alarm bells for me too.

But how often does he do this?

will tell you an amusing story:

My parents had friends when i was growing up and the dh used to do this. His dw got thoroughly fed up of cooking his dinner and him not being home to eat it so she had it out with him. He said "just leave my dinner in the oven and I can eat it as and when I get home." So the next night he rolled in at 11:00 or so and asked where his dinner was and she said, "In the oven." It was a salad!

On a more serious note though, if he won't listen to you then you need to make your point with actions, lock the door/throw him out/make him sleep in the spare room..

addictedtolatte · 15/12/2009 09:27

yanbu you say your dh works hard well you work hard too except you dont get to clock off but he does. i'd be telling if thats the way he wants he you clock off at 5 so he will have to pay for a childminder. you deserve a medal for putting up with it. hope he comes to his senses and you sort things out.

expatinscotland · 15/12/2009 09:30

This person would no longer be my husband, tbh.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you is what makes relationships work, IMO.

And as I wouldn't behave in such a fashion towards my husband, I wouldn't accept it off him, either.

Also at the rate he is going out, IMO that is drinking too much, and I have zero tolerance for drunks, either.

jelliebelly · 15/12/2009 09:33

YANBU. He is being immature and selfish. the networking excuse is rubbish. has he always been like this or is it a change in behaviour? You need to put a stop to it otherwise he will just carry on and you will get more and more depressed about it. FWIW this is a particularly "sociable" time of year but even so with a young family at home he should grow up a bit and show some consideration.

expatinscotland · 15/12/2009 09:36

and turning off the phone. not coming home when he says he will.

sorry, but that spells 'affair' to me.

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ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 15/12/2009 09:39

PANCHEY, if it wasnt for the fact you have two children, i would think that you were my friend.

I am constantly astounded to hear that he often doesn't come home until 11pm at night, even though he is in the pub that is five minutes walk from their house - he cant even go home and put his daughter to bed even when she is asking for her daddy .

She cooks him dinners and they end up in the oven waiting for him

My friend is slowly realising that there is nothing in it for her in this relationship, she might as well be a single mother - in fact, she would probably be financially better off as he spends all the sodding money in the pub anyway.

Its really so very sad, i like this guy but at this moment in time it is all I can do not to shame him by walking into the pub and telling him to grow the fuck up and act like a father and not a silly little boy. My friend did that once, marched into the pub told him straight - of course no one supported her, waste of sodding space some people.

My DP is often late home and i get really pissed off and moan at him, although i try my hardest not to - because, HE IS AT WORK!! He is a builder and he works his fingers to the bone, travelling to where the work is, working often until stupid o clock just to support his family - but still, when im sat at home on my own with DD asking for her daddy (daddy's lil princess ) I do get resentful - i think i should explode if he were in the bloody pub.

Would make me wonder exactly who he was with if i were honest

smellyjellybelly · 15/12/2009 10:22

My dh used to be the same soon after having dd1. In the end, the lack of stability, emotional "thereness" and that he would pass out etc in front of dd meant that I ended up moving out. This happened whilst we were overseas. He too, was extremely stubborna and used to blame me for his drinking and going out. After I had moved out, after counselling, lots of talk, and a move back to the Uk, we have been able to sort out our problems.
I think a lot is down to finding it hard to deal with parenthood as well as bad company. Who is he out with? Do you know them? Does he have any close sensible friends who you can talk to who might be able to help him see that he is in the wrong? i really feel for you as it is a horrible situation to be in.

KTNoo · 15/12/2009 11:07

I have a good friend whose DH is just like this, except they have 4 small children so she is barely coping. Her DH once came in from a night out at 3pm THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON.

Of course YANBU. But if he is anything like my friend's DH I'm not sure that things like you scheduling nights out for yourself will work. If my friend confronts her DH he just goes out more, to "punish" her.

I've stopped giving her advice and just listen now. I don't know why she puts up with it but for some reason she does. What I do know is that it will take drastic action to change anything.

Could you do something drastic?

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